And Now One For Julie
I've been remiss the last two weeks with a report on The Bachelor, and I do solemnly apologize, to Julie and possibly Jess and maybe Hasana, the only people (besides me) who might enjoy these posts.
That said, we are down to the final three gals...Shoshanna, Amanda, and that other girl. We know that he's going to end up with Amanda, so why must we go through with this charade? According to Julie, last week was an awesome freak show with the home visit, including Shoshanna's mom who has so much plastic surgery that she's unrecognizable as a human being. Lorenzo Llama told Matt that his daughter is really on the show for the TV coverage. On her date, Amanda fooled Matt by hiring actors to play her parents, something I'm sure that she didn't think of on her own; I'm sure that NBC or CBS or whatever stations sponsors this show came up with to be clever. Noelle was let go, but we don't really care, though we will miss her crater-like dimples.
Tonight, he gets the chance to get laid by all three of them women (on different nights, luckily for him) because he has hotel cards to offer each one of them. They will all say yes. They always say yes and then I wonder what does happen, because if he supposedly likes any one of them and sees himself ending up with just one girl, doesn't he realize how much shit he's going to have to face from her when she views the footage of him sticking his tongue down the two other's girls throats, plus whatever else they do in their luxury suites?
Shoshanna is first, wearing a hat larger than her brain (not hard to do). She's 100 percent sure that she's falling in love with this camera, whoops, she means, this man. They're on jet-skis. They always go on jet skis. Shoshanna has never been outside of the United States. I wouldn't exactly call Barbados a foreign get away, but okay. Wow, Shoshanna can do air splits. They're making out in the ocean, but she's still wearing gigantic Hollywood sunglasses. "Do they have palm trees in London?" she asks. He pretends that she's joking because he still wants to nail her. How much of Shoshanna is the real person, and how much of her is just a person in baby doll dresses of varying colors? Oh, whoops, her name is Shayne. It should be Shoshanna. Where did I come up with that? She is explaining to him how to do a stage kiss and how romantic it isn't because you don't use tongue. He says, "That's rubbish. You don't use tongue?" He's funny. He's trying to invent her into something she's really so obviously not. He's saying, "I know you are pretending to be a stupid sex kitten." She says, "I know. I love being blond. I've been blond since I was like, twelve." (She's not kidding). "As far as politics goes, you know, I'm smart in that, and you know, I'm intellectual. Is that how you say that word?" She explains to the camera that she thinks acting stupid is part of what keeps it spicy. He says, "When I look into your eyes, I look into the eyes of someone I could easily be with. You could just be my little monkey." I just stopped liking him. She confesses that she's falling in love with him. Yes! He knows he's going to get some tonight. He says that he's falling for her as well. He says that he loves being with her. Notice that he has not said that he loves her. Oh, look, she can sort of read. She's reading about how they can stay together in the villa's fantasy suite. She's keeping him waiting for three long seconds, but then she says yes. No shit. She's exclaiming about the little rose petals on the ground and now they're kissing in the pool with her gymnast legs wrapped around him. He is a swine. But I would probably do the exact same thing if I were him.
Amanda is up for the next date. He's dressed like a slob in a gray t-shirt and shorts. She talks like a baby. Today, they are going zip lining, which I guess means wearing ugly helmets and zipping across a canyon on slender ropes. She gets her nervous hiccups. How sweet. This doesn't look that scary. He kisses her a lot, but as though they've been dating for twenty years, those peck kisses. We just got a crotch shot of Matt. Awesome. How many times do they have to do this? They are almost a little too comfortable with one another. She says "like" too much. She's said "like" like 50 times in three like sentences. She's trying to say how it's the first time she's felt this way for anyone. It just happens that the one time she falls in love is on this TV show where there are cameras everywhere and where she only sees him for fifteen minutes at a time. She's being very cerebral about it in a Valley girl way. "I like feel like I could like like you like you, not just as a friend, but like as a friend's friends boyfriend's who I have a huge crush on. And I don't like like know how to like do that." Plus, their kissing is too loud, again. She said that she's really excited that he like, pulled it out and like, offered it (I'm assuming she means the fantasy suite key, but maybe not). Again with the candles everywhere. "I want you to know that I really enjoy being with you and I think we make a good couple," he says. She says, "Every time, I like see you, I am like glad I met you and it's like a fairy tale like Little Red Riding Hood and maybe like Hansel and Gretel if there was like no witch, you know?" Shut up! Her legs are very waxed. I admire that in a woman.
Okay, last date with what's her name, Chelsea. He wears a pair of obnoxious white and black shorts. They're going out on a catamaran. He's telling her that her parents were brilliant. I am not sure how I feel about Chelsea. Oh, he thinks they're interactions are awkward. They can't think of anything to talk about except for the size of the island. Of course it's weird, because they're being filmed. She's letting her boobs show in her bikini. Good move. He says, I think about you a lot. She says, Well, good. She won't give him anything back. Ha-ha. I don't know why she's so standoffish, but why shouldn't she be? She barely knows this guy. He's hoping they can turn a corner and find romance as a giant turtle swims by. Meanwhile, all she does is snorkel and not come that close to him. The turtle is also a paid actor. He's having more fun with the turtle than Chelsea and it now appears that he will give the suite key to the turtle. He says, "I had better eye contact with the turtle than I did with Chelsea." I like him again. She does have a cute body. Why doesn't he just say something to her about it? Ask her why she's acting like a weirdo. Ask! Okay, he's asking at dinner. She confesses that she's very disturbed that there's other girls involved. She's saying that she doesn't want to act that way, but she can't help it because she's afraid that she will get hurt. That pleases him. Why can't these girls read these cards in a little less stilted way? It's still awkward. He's telling her that he thinks that they would be a great couple. You know what I think? I think that she only knows how to connect with him in a sexual way. In fact, she's changing into a negligee and she took off her panties. This is how she wants to show him another side of her. They still don't know how to talk to each other about anything, except in clichés. "I just want to be here with you because I care for you and a rolling stone gathers no moss, you know?" Oh, product placement of The Hilton.
And now, the moment that only a few of us have been waiting for. The final rose ceremony. Who will he send home?? I think it will be Chelsea. I will like him better if he sends home Shoshanna/Shayne Llama. He won't though. Amanda first, I am betting...NO. He picked stupid Shayne. What a fucking idiot. She pretends to be surprised and to care. There is no way he's not picking Amanda. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He picked Chelsea. What the hell. She tells him she thinks he's a fucking jackass. She's not crying. Good for her. Why would he pick these other two? One is such a total actress and the other one is boring as hell. Not interesting at all. He must be nuts. I hate him. I never want to see this show again. Maybe we are not seeing what Chelsea is really like...
Next week is the Tell All. I don't want to see that. I am so disappointed. I feel like he just broke up with me, because she's the one I liked the most.
That said, we are down to the final three gals...Shoshanna, Amanda, and that other girl. We know that he's going to end up with Amanda, so why must we go through with this charade? According to Julie, last week was an awesome freak show with the home visit, including Shoshanna's mom who has so much plastic surgery that she's unrecognizable as a human being. Lorenzo Llama told Matt that his daughter is really on the show for the TV coverage. On her date, Amanda fooled Matt by hiring actors to play her parents, something I'm sure that she didn't think of on her own; I'm sure that NBC or CBS or whatever stations sponsors this show came up with to be clever. Noelle was let go, but we don't really care, though we will miss her crater-like dimples.
Tonight, he gets the chance to get laid by all three of them women (on different nights, luckily for him) because he has hotel cards to offer each one of them. They will all say yes. They always say yes and then I wonder what does happen, because if he supposedly likes any one of them and sees himself ending up with just one girl, doesn't he realize how much shit he's going to have to face from her when she views the footage of him sticking his tongue down the two other's girls throats, plus whatever else they do in their luxury suites?
Shoshanna is first, wearing a hat larger than her brain (not hard to do). She's 100 percent sure that she's falling in love with this camera, whoops, she means, this man. They're on jet-skis. They always go on jet skis. Shoshanna has never been outside of the United States. I wouldn't exactly call Barbados a foreign get away, but okay. Wow, Shoshanna can do air splits. They're making out in the ocean, but she's still wearing gigantic Hollywood sunglasses. "Do they have palm trees in London?" she asks. He pretends that she's joking because he still wants to nail her. How much of Shoshanna is the real person, and how much of her is just a person in baby doll dresses of varying colors? Oh, whoops, her name is Shayne. It should be Shoshanna. Where did I come up with that? She is explaining to him how to do a stage kiss and how romantic it isn't because you don't use tongue. He says, "That's rubbish. You don't use tongue?" He's funny. He's trying to invent her into something she's really so obviously not. He's saying, "I know you are pretending to be a stupid sex kitten." She says, "I know. I love being blond. I've been blond since I was like, twelve." (She's not kidding). "As far as politics goes, you know, I'm smart in that, and you know, I'm intellectual. Is that how you say that word?" She explains to the camera that she thinks acting stupid is part of what keeps it spicy. He says, "When I look into your eyes, I look into the eyes of someone I could easily be with. You could just be my little monkey." I just stopped liking him. She confesses that she's falling in love with him. Yes! He knows he's going to get some tonight. He says that he's falling for her as well. He says that he loves being with her. Notice that he has not said that he loves her. Oh, look, she can sort of read. She's reading about how they can stay together in the villa's fantasy suite. She's keeping him waiting for three long seconds, but then she says yes. No shit. She's exclaiming about the little rose petals on the ground and now they're kissing in the pool with her gymnast legs wrapped around him. He is a swine. But I would probably do the exact same thing if I were him.
Amanda is up for the next date. He's dressed like a slob in a gray t-shirt and shorts. She talks like a baby. Today, they are going zip lining, which I guess means wearing ugly helmets and zipping across a canyon on slender ropes. She gets her nervous hiccups. How sweet. This doesn't look that scary. He kisses her a lot, but as though they've been dating for twenty years, those peck kisses. We just got a crotch shot of Matt. Awesome. How many times do they have to do this? They are almost a little too comfortable with one another. She says "like" too much. She's said "like" like 50 times in three like sentences. She's trying to say how it's the first time she's felt this way for anyone. It just happens that the one time she falls in love is on this TV show where there are cameras everywhere and where she only sees him for fifteen minutes at a time. She's being very cerebral about it in a Valley girl way. "I like feel like I could like like you like you, not just as a friend, but like as a friend's friends boyfriend's who I have a huge crush on. And I don't like like know how to like do that." Plus, their kissing is too loud, again. She said that she's really excited that he like, pulled it out and like, offered it (I'm assuming she means the fantasy suite key, but maybe not). Again with the candles everywhere. "I want you to know that I really enjoy being with you and I think we make a good couple," he says. She says, "Every time, I like see you, I am like glad I met you and it's like a fairy tale like Little Red Riding Hood and maybe like Hansel and Gretel if there was like no witch, you know?" Shut up! Her legs are very waxed. I admire that in a woman.
Okay, last date with what's her name, Chelsea. He wears a pair of obnoxious white and black shorts. They're going out on a catamaran. He's telling her that her parents were brilliant. I am not sure how I feel about Chelsea. Oh, he thinks they're interactions are awkward. They can't think of anything to talk about except for the size of the island. Of course it's weird, because they're being filmed. She's letting her boobs show in her bikini. Good move. He says, I think about you a lot. She says, Well, good. She won't give him anything back. Ha-ha. I don't know why she's so standoffish, but why shouldn't she be? She barely knows this guy. He's hoping they can turn a corner and find romance as a giant turtle swims by. Meanwhile, all she does is snorkel and not come that close to him. The turtle is also a paid actor. He's having more fun with the turtle than Chelsea and it now appears that he will give the suite key to the turtle. He says, "I had better eye contact with the turtle than I did with Chelsea." I like him again. She does have a cute body. Why doesn't he just say something to her about it? Ask her why she's acting like a weirdo. Ask! Okay, he's asking at dinner. She confesses that she's very disturbed that there's other girls involved. She's saying that she doesn't want to act that way, but she can't help it because she's afraid that she will get hurt. That pleases him. Why can't these girls read these cards in a little less stilted way? It's still awkward. He's telling her that he thinks that they would be a great couple. You know what I think? I think that she only knows how to connect with him in a sexual way. In fact, she's changing into a negligee and she took off her panties. This is how she wants to show him another side of her. They still don't know how to talk to each other about anything, except in clichés. "I just want to be here with you because I care for you and a rolling stone gathers no moss, you know?" Oh, product placement of The Hilton.
And now, the moment that only a few of us have been waiting for. The final rose ceremony. Who will he send home?? I think it will be Chelsea. I will like him better if he sends home Shoshanna/Shayne Llama. He won't though. Amanda first, I am betting...NO. He picked stupid Shayne. What a fucking idiot. She pretends to be surprised and to care. There is no way he's not picking Amanda. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He picked Chelsea. What the hell. She tells him she thinks he's a fucking jackass. She's not crying. Good for her. Why would he pick these other two? One is such a total actress and the other one is boring as hell. Not interesting at all. He must be nuts. I hate him. I never want to see this show again. Maybe we are not seeing what Chelsea is really like...
Next week is the Tell All. I don't want to see that. I am so disappointed. I feel like he just broke up with me, because she's the one I liked the most.
Comments
and... i still can't believe you almost ruined it for me by leaving the final results on my voicemail.