Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Wherein JoJo is asked if she wants to have sex with three different men

Oh, right. The fake cliff hanger.

Roses to Robby and Jordan and...big sigh...Chase. She is sending Luke home, even though he confessed his love for her and even though he built her a heart made out of flower petals. Why she kept Robby, we will never know, but he's going home tonight.  Luke says that it really sucks because he, like, dreamed about this so much and he thought he might actually fall in love with her. She sobs into his lapel, and Luke can't, like, believe that he squandered it away and that magic was real. News flash: magic isn't real. He drops the f-bomb. Dan thinks she made a mistake. I think she's wearing a ring that looks like a twig. I miss you already, he says. She says she is following her heart and her gut or whatever. He says he was in love with her but he never got a chance to love her. "Too little, too late," he says, staring off stoically into the limo's pristine leather interior.

They've been flown to Thailand. Cue the elephants and JoJo in white short-shorts. She says that her choice to let Luke go was "easily the toughest decision" she's ever made. Wait, are these the fantasy suite dates?

Robby shows up in a white shirt and blue linen shorts. They walk through the market in a flash flood. Native women wash and wax their feet while they talk about their futures. JoJo pretends that she can't figure out if she should take Robby into the fantasy suite or not. Robby says nothing interesting, ever. He says his dad snuck a note into the pocket of his jeans, filled with cliches. "Signed, You're the Man...Dad." He snucks the note into JoJo's hands to hold until she sends him home at the end of the show.

Dan says, "One trip to IKEA together and this relationship will fall apart."

They decide that they will spend the night together, but only do oral because they believe in God. Who knew they had a Days Inn in Thailand?

Someone has left six plates of fruit at the end of their bed. Robby's hair has survived whatever night of passion they had and not moved at all. Doesn't she get sick of kissing these guys?

Cue monkeys to show that we are getting ready for another date. It's Jordan, arriving in a boat. They smash into each other and he wraps his arms around her neck, almost like he wants to strangle her. Jordan keeps accidentally looking right into the camera. Cue bong sound and lone whistle, because remember, we're in a foreign country. They go on a hike and look at beautiful mountains. Where is the Tibetan monk? JoJo decides that she has to cover her shoulders to respect the culture even though she's also wearing a bra as a top. She worries that Jordan is too good to be true. At dinner, they are surrounded by fire pits and Jordan may be in danger of having his hair gel set aflame. She asks him what his next year will look like, as if they are in the middle of a job interview. Jordan tries to be honest, and she doesn't like his answer, so he back pedals and says he could be anywhere at any time. Chris supposedly writes a handwritten note on the back of a paper lunch bag, inviting them to stay in the fantasy suite. Next morning, we discover that Jordan sleeps in football pants. JoJo goes, "We're having our first breakfast together." And their last?


An ox eating leaves tells us that we are on our last date with Chase. JoJo only has the one pair of white shorts. Will Chase show up on a motorcycle? Yes. He has some serious back muscles. He leaves his motorcycle behind. The light shines through his ears. Stop saying magical! "Practice nonattachment," Dan says, folding his hands together. Chase and JoJo play with fish to show that they're having a great time, also that they don't have any real chemistry. They keep pointing out the most obvious things. "Look at those trees! Look at that water! Look at that monkey that reminds me of Chad!" Chase goes, "It's so amazing to be here with the salt in the air and the water and the sand and JoJo looks so beautiful next to all these rocks." I guarantee all of his frat buddy friends are never going to let him live this down.


Robby shows up unexpectedly in flip flops right before she's supposed to have her final date with Chase. I don't think she likes him. I am pretty sure this was entirely planned. Otherwise, they would all be doing this.

Date night with Chase and he's sweating like crazy. I wonder what would happen if he shaved that pretend beard off his face? She goes, "Tell me all about your career as a medical security analysis banker." They go back to the fantasy suite and he says he's 100 percent in love with her and he doesn't want to be in a world without her. JoJo confesses that she's not sure she likes him at all. She has to go outside and sit on a sofa under a palm tree. She frequently feels sick to her stomach. She's going to send him home in the middle of a fantasy date. Does he know this is coming? JoJo says he has to go home and he basically says, Thanks a lot for telling me this after I told you I loved you. She starts crying. He looks unmoved. He hugs her begrudgingly and then walks away without saying goodbye. Good for him. She says, I didn't mean to bring you here and break your heart. He says, You just did that though. He won't hug her goodbye. She keeps crying. He pops a beer as he gets into the van. He compares what just happened to having your pants pulled down and being kicked in the nuts. He's embarrassed and...heart-broken (he adds).

Just so we won't turn off the TV, they show Chase returning to make JoJo cry again. Robby is boring and Jordan cares too much about his hair. I mean, they both care a lot about their hair. Dan thinks they look identical. They are wearing matching outfits, both in denim shirts and jeggings. Coincidentally, Chase shows up also wearing a denim shirt. This show is sponsored by the GAP. Both men wipe their faces with matching handkerchiefs. It's synchronized. Chase apologizes to JoJo and says that he hopes he can redeem himself enough to be the next bachelor  JoJo has long ago forgotten about him, and remember Luke? Remember her sobbing in agony as she said goodbye to him? Luke who?

Both boys get roses. Clinking of glasses. Tomorrow night: the former contestants last grab at fame in the Tell All show.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Home fry dates

I missed the first home town date because I was eating a piece of chicken. I did see JoJo and the first guy kissing each other for three minutes as they said goodbye, and he said something like, "If feels so real."

Next date is with Jordan, the former football star, who takes her back to his high school to show her the pictures of himself playing football prior to receiving 25 concussions. JoJo painfully points out photos of his more famous football brother and Jordan high tails it out of there to take her to the bleachers. We meet Jordan's dad and his old mom, Darla, and his one brother and his brother's girlfriend, Lyndsey, who had her hair done special. Dan goes, Ohhh, she's prettier than the Bachelorette. The mom is extraordinarily beautiful, looks kind of like Blythe Danner (Gwyenth Paltrow's mom). Dad looks like a high school football coach who has been retired for 25 years. Brother is an older, more bearded version of Jordan, with very special hair.I think they might love Jesus. Wait, no the dad has a giant face, not unlike Herman Munster, but in a nice
way. I mean, he seems like a nice guy. But then again, so did Herman Munster. JoJo, that's what you would have to look forward to. Mom is so excited for her son that she gives him a close girlfriend hug as if the two of them are dating. Lyndsey is going to be so mad because she go zero camera time and she spent so much time on her hair. It's not right! Jordan gains vocabulary points for correctly using the word "exponentially" in a sentence. 

We are whipping through these dates. Next up, Robby, who teaches JoJo to whistle, so that she can call a horse and carriage. I missed where they are. Somewhere in the South? I see palm trees.

Robby looks very 1980s in an open pink oxford over a white T-shirt and light blue jeans. Very villain in a John Hughes movie-esque way and he uses the phrase awesome quite a lot. Like, it's like, totally awesome.

He reassures JoJo that he's totally over the girl he broke up with just four months ago. Actually, the time line would have to be that he broke up with this person and then the next day, applied to be on The Bachelorette. So, yeah, he gave it a day. All of Robby's family screams when they walk in. Everyone showed up to be on TV. How many siblings does he have? Two brothers and two sisters? He tells his brothers that JoJo is incredible and I think the two brothers are adopted and that Mom bought new blue lamps from West Elm just before the producers showed up. Robby hopes for a fairy tale ending. I wish that he would stop referring to her as a girl. Mom tells JoJo that Robby would never be involved with her if he really wasn't ready. JoJo then says that she's in love with Robby. Mom tells Robby that there's a rumor going around from the ex that Robby broke up with her so he could go on the show when he so totally didn't, like, do that, Mom! Robby says he needs to "nip it in the butt." ("Bud?"). He interrupts the sister's time in the bedroom and so they get no camera time either. Unfair. He reassures her and they end up kissing under an umbrella. He says, "I can comfortably tell you that I am beyond excited for our future." Engrave that on the trousseau.


I can't tell whether the show is back on or if this is a car commercial. Oh, okay, Matthew McConaughey means car commercial.

I could never date a guy who says, "Let's roll around the square for a bit." Not because I think I'm better than him, but because I would say, "What are we going to be rolling around exactly?" And he wouldn't think it was funny and that would be the end. They're "getting close to the crib." Luke has brought her to a family reunion, complete with cowboy hats and boots. They are in Texas. Grandpa is confused. We are introduced to a couple who met in 8th grade and are still together.  That makes me sad. Luke goes, "She is so comfortable and that makes my heart stomp." I understand why hasn't talked all that much before now. y'all. I used to say "y'all" sometimes because I grew up in Florida but I always felt kind of phony saying it because it wasn't natural. Dad advises Luke not to make the decision lightly and from the heart. Dad and son say they love each other, for the first time ever, on television. I guess they are both here for the right reasons.


Luke finds a horse and leads her to a sofa made out of hay bales in the middle of a field. He says the whole time with her is like a good day dream. He says, "Every time I'm with you, my heart gets, like more and more involved and it blows my mind and I see that future and I want that future, and the thing is, when I have that feeling that's a little scary and that's how I know it's real. It comes full circle for me, and that much more excited about the future." Cue sunset in the background and birds chirping as they kiss and she runs her fingers across his size-medium, red-checkered shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch in Dallas.

Next, he takes her down a candlelit path to flowers in the shape of a heart. He says everything except that he loves her. Then he drops her off at a SUV. Guess who's driving? Yep, Matthew McConaughey.  

And how will they wrap the rose ceremony up in 11 minutes? My guess is that Robby will go home, but I didn't see the date with Chase, so I can't be sure. Why are they in an airport hangar? Robby wears a vest. Luke wears another in a series of checkered shirts, this one in blue and white. He might also be super bow-legged. JoJo has on a blue mermaid dress that lovingly caresses her boobs. She just says that she must say goodbye to Luke. Why would she tell us that and will we have to go through another commercial.

Uh-oh, fake alert. Luke interrupts her as she's about to send him home. He tells her that he loves her, so that she won't send  him home and so he can touch her face with his giant thumb. Maybe he could've shaved though. She says, "Thank you, but you're still going home..." She can't control her emotions and she's afraid to make a mistake. Now we are definitely going to have to wait until next week. Yep.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Don't tell me. Does M. Bovary take cyanide at the end?

Another book that I've come to late in life--Madame Bovary. Half the time as I'm reading it, I'm thinking about what my high school self would've thought about the experience, like how I would've had to read it in certain chunks for class, chapters one through three, and then answer three discussion questions or be on the look-out for obvious symbolism. The only book I remember somewhat well from high school is Silas Marner and the gold of Eppie's hair being a symbol that ties back to Silas' love of money. So as an adult, I can enjoy Madame Bovary and her sighing and longing without trying to figure out if the references to cherries means more than they first seem.


Here's what I think about Madame Bovary, the character: she's sad and lonely and bored and has no purpose in life. She wants parties and she instead gets a new sash to wear for only her buffoonish but well-intentioned husband, who can't believe how lucky he is to have gotten such a hot piece of ass. Having read no scholarship around this book, I can't help but wonder if Flaubert isn't sympathetic to Emma's life. I mean, she's like the pretty objects she buys--she's meant to be admired and looked at, but has very little use (hey, look, I found a deeper meaning in the objects). Whereas her husband is out in the world, riding horses and bleeding the local farmers (he's a doctor of sorts), Emma stays home and reads books about places she'll never visit. She wants excitement and romance and she gets a greyhound who runs away and a snoring groom whose head droops over the soup in the evenings.

Isn't that the plight of every human--believing that there must be something more to life than house and home; craving adventure but also stuck in routine? For Emma, you have to add into the fact that she has this social pressure to behave as she did in the convent. She spends most of her time avoiding the object of her desire (a desire conjured out of loneliness more than out of real attraction) and the rest of the time day-dreaming about said object. Here's the problem though--she's just met her match in a scoundrel who is delighting in seducing her. He's totally one-dimensional but maybe he too is bored by life--his sport is to take down vulnerable women, much like the guy in Dangerous Liaisons. What I thought would be tedious isn't really--though I confess I may be skimming a bit over the descriptions of the geography. I don't hate Emma--she's got this little daughter that she doesn't want, and then you wonder what will become of that female child or what may Emma's mom have been like?

Monday, July 11, 2016

And then there were...like, five? Six?

Next stop.. Argentina! Red flags, hoodies, unshaved faces, tattoos, ten pounds of hair gel, horses and carriages, roses flung down in anger, emotional roller coaster, mind games, spinning minds, disappointment, long eyelashes on a very short, muscular man, Chris Harrison and the date card, "JoJo" times 500.  Chris announces that there are no roses on one-on-one dates and this week is huge because it will determine the hometown dates. JoJo is driving out to the countryside and the date card goes to...Alex.

They get into a black SUV while the rest of the dudes have to take a bus. Product placement of chips. JoJo feels taht she is spending the day with someone she feels really comfortable with, like her baby brother. The guys are rapping. As if they just made this up. James Taylor still has a busted up eye.

JoJo is feeling the friend vibe from Alex.


We're learning about the stereotypical gaucho farmer, both strong and not afraid to wear a felt hat. Alex should've worn the boots with the heels. Two real life gauchos are leading them through the day. Alex puts on a white shirt, blue beret, and a belt with a knife. Boots that still too low. JoJo says, "You are cute little gaucho."  Cue mooing of the cow. They mount on two horses. How did Alex learn to mount a horse? Or is that a pony?


Their tasks is to force the horse to its knees and make it roll over. I am not sure why. They have become like one. a centaur. JoJo feels so relaxed. Alex feels so horny. They make out with the horse together. The horse may have died, but it doesn't matter because they are in love. They are the very exact same size. Alex admits that he is falling in love with her and Dan says, "You just want to have sex with her on top of a horse."

A dog has shown up in their final date. They drink to themselves. JoJo says, "I just feel like you've had so much fun today." Why does that matter? His doubts and fears are gone, he says. They kiss. She runs her fingers through his hair gel. Alex says that he thinks he knows that he's falling in love with her. Or wait, no, he fell in love with her the second he saw her and that's what made it hard and easy, and then hard and easy. JoJo wipes away a single tear, but she doesn't quite believe him.

The next date card arrives. Jordan the football star will get it. He goes to get a blow dryer.

Uh-oh, JoJo has sent Alex home. When he realized what was happening, he goes, "Well, that sucks," thereby confirming her decision.

Back at the ranch (for real), Jordan is trying on the tightest maroon T-shirt he can find. He arrives in a white stretch limo to board a white stretch jet waiting for him, and JoJo in denim shorts. As they fly into the air, she believes she does see a future with him. They arrive at Mendoza, a winery with the Andes mountains in the background. They take off their shoes and step into a bucket of grapes which they will later drink. This is boring. They then step into an outdoor tub in their bathing suits and we are exposed to the top-knot again. It's now evening and they are recapping what just happened and imagine what it would be like if she went with him on his home town date. Jordan confesses that he doesn't have a great relationship with one of his brothers because he never played football. Jordan says that he's so in love with her, and for some reason, she believes him. She wraps her black fingernails around his back and sticks her tongue down his throat while he fixes his hair. JoJo feels really loved as they make out on a staircase and he jams her against the wall.

Group date that involves James Taylor stuffing his face with French fries, Robby running down the hall in his underwear, and the three guys cuddling with JoJo on a bed while they watch TV. James appears to be resting his head on Robby's thigh.  I don't really think she likes any of these guys. She takes Robby out to go to the park in her holey jeans. Robby talks about his ex and all of the negatives. Then he refuses to go down that road, so he can go down this path with her. JoJo learns that they just broke up like four months ago. You guys, don't forget that this date has a rose with it. Chase, who does something with banking, says that it all still feels good. Dan says Chase looks like he should just be out at a club picking up women. Chase doesn't claim that he's in love with her, but he really likes her and wants to spend forever with her. Next up, James T., the goofball. He will blow it again by bringing up the other guys. She says that he has every quality she would want, except for that he's not as hot as the other guys. She asks him if he would possibly consider having his ears surgically pinned back or not. They kiss very loudly and he keeps his hand firmly on the back of her head so she can't pull away. Who will the rose go to??? The men debate who the front runners are and this makes them sound like they are talking about horses. Robby is certain that he's a front runner. "The person I want to give this rose to is the guy I'm ready to give the rose to," and it is Robby!! He can't wait to sit in the family room with her and his family. James T. is going home, I bet.

Last one-on-one date with Luke the war veteran and a white pony. Luke knows stuff about horses. He's like a guy on a romance novel cover, except for the lines in his forehead. He's like the dark horse, the winner. He will win. He has to. Question: should you really make a war veteran shoot a gun? He's very good at it. His conversations are way more deep than any of the other guys. I could imagine him deciding that he's not really into her. Luke doesn't seem to be having the same amount of time with her as she had with the other one-on-ones. He comes back to announce that there's only 12 minutes left in this week's episode so they have to move it along.

Time for the non-suspenseful final rose ceremony that will send James home. The men arrive in a horse and buggy drawn by two white steeds, followed by that damn dog. Eight minutes left. Chase felt that he needed more time to touch base with her. James T. has decided to slick back his hair. JoJo recognizes that this is hard, but she must follow her heart.

First rose goes to.............Luke
Second rose goes to Jordan.
Final rose goes to................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Chase.

James T. will finally be going home. He will also not be the next bachelor. He hugs the dudes goodbye. JoJo says that she will walk him out. The men pretend to be somber, but are barely containing their high-fives. They are both crying. She says that he has made her a better person.  He says that he always gets rejected. "Thank you for being so sweet to me, I mean that," he says. Lots of snot noises. James offers to babysit for them at some point. Maybe he'll get a record deal out of this.


Next week, the hometown dates, ya'all.