Monday, June 29, 2009

The Bachlorette, Or Jillian is a Total Fool

How is it that everyone in the world except for Jillian knows that Wes the Cowboy Junction has a girlfriend? And why is everyone crying on this show? He is a liar and a cheat and will never have a number one CD. Could someone please bust him somehow in a real way? Like, can’t Jillian make a phone call? Can’t the producers do some sleuthing? It’s their job, isn’t it, to pick single guys as opposed to men who are otherwise engaged? Also, why are there more commercials in this show than the actual show? Fifteen so far in this ten minute break. I’ve been offered insurance, Nativa (?), previews for Who Wants to Be a Tax Break? Among many others.

Just as an aside, watched Agatha Christie’s Poirot on PBS last night and now crave a waxed moustache. I was glad to learn that it wasn’t easy to determine the murderer. There were many twists and turns (and not just of the French detective’s stache).

I have missed the first hour or so because of my writing class, so I’m not sure what transpired, and of course, missed last week because of Boston. Here’s what I gather so far: Wes is a slimeball and Jillian does not seem to have the wherewithal to accept it or anything, for that matter, without having tears spill out of her wide, limpid eyes. I guess Jake (who came back to tell J the truth) was kicked off previously, perhaps because of his penchant for oxford shirts buttoned up to the very top of his neck and tucked into his jeans.

J: “Honestly, I don’t know what to believe right now. Do I trust the straight-laced Jake or the Texan bad boy?” Did she even hear the question she just asked? Omigod, if she lets him kiss her, I will scream. She is cute, why are these guys being so weird? Jillian, crying, says that she really wants to still meet his family, even though he’s a liar and can’t stop saying how much he doesn’t have a girlfriend except for this one girl Laurel from two weeks ago. She’s buying it. She’s totally buying it. She is a sucker. He is not that hot.

J: “I don’t know if I’m in la-la land right now or if I just can’t see what’s really going on.” Answer: La La Land. Wouldn’t the family wonder what was going on and wouldn’t the family tell him if he had a girlfriend? They are all lying to her too. “Guys are always going to be jealous of you because of all that you have going for him and stuff,” says lying sister. Is Jillian holding the hands of the mom? Mom is now lying, or maybe it’s stepmom. She is so relieved that the whole family is lying to her and she doesn’t even notice that he’s handing them fifty dollar bills under the table with the spurs on his fake Texan cowboy boots. Jillian makes a toast and we all stare mesmerized by his silver necklace.

Wes: “Jillian likes me and that’s what really matters. I will get my singin’ contract after all, bitches.”

Fifty more commercials.

Fake surprise as Ed shows up and asks for another shot. Jillian crying again. It looks like he has at least gotten some rest, no more circles under his eyes. Nice argyle sweater dude. Jillian doesn’t know what to do. She has all these concerns that are going through her head and she does want him to go to the rose ceremony. He touches her hair in that way that all men should do if they want a woman to give them a rose. They kiss on the mouth. Can’t she just let him back onto the show? Oh, no, she can only bring four guys home and now she has to let go of 2 instead of 1 (since 6 are left now). I didn’t realize that math would be involved in this show.

50 more ads. I mean, how much can it cost to produce this show if they have to offer 25 minutes of commercials? I just ate an entire bowl of Corn Pops and the show still isn’t on. Offered: iced team, trip to the aquarium, trip to a restaurant, ad for a stupid reality show, ad for detergent, ad for skin crème sponsored by an ageless Brooke Shields, ad for Vagasil. Makes me feel itchy even thinking about it.

Jillian arrives wearing a floor length strapless ball gown, looking exactly like Belle in the movie, Beauty and the Beast. Chris Harrison asks Jillian (or J as Wes calls her) how she felt about seeing Ed and she says she almost puked all over herself. Chris emphasizes that she won’t get to meet Ed’s family, to see if they get any more sleep than he does. Chris knows how tough this decision is going to be. She feels like she fit into every single family. Chris brings up the date with Wes and then we have to relive the entire thing for four excruciating minutes. We saw this already. Why do we have to get the recap? There must have been like zero going on during the actual dates. Jillian must look at all of the pictures and decide which two to send home. She’s totally struggling with what her decision is going to be and if she should take vocal lessons to get rid of her accent.

Ad for mascara including collagen for breathtaking volume (like, how fat do you want your eyelashes to be?), fast food restaurant with disgusting close ups of the food, cell phone service sold by another movie star, car, Johnny Depp movie making a killing machine character look like a sex symbol, something to do with dogs and square dancing, laundry, cheap chain store, another TV preview, and another reality TV preview including a preview. Omigod, it’s 5 minutes of ads, I’m not even kidding. I looked at the clock. 5 minutes. JHC. Oh, wait, one more. Ad for weather.

Rose ceremony. Who will go home with a softened penis? Which of the 500 products advertised during this show can remedy this problem? Hint: It’s not Vagasil.

They reveal that Ed is back in the running. Ed suddenly looks like he has a fat head. Maybe he’s been using the lash fattening mascara? Wes would like ta kick the g-damn sheet outta Ed. They have Jillian enter to harp music. Shot of the men looking at her as if she is a goddess, except for Wes who gives her a shit-eating side grin. KICK HIM OFF! She won’t. The show won’t let her. He Wes, try shaving.

First rose goes to: Reed and his fake glasses. He’s my man.

Second rose: Kiptyn. His forehead could not be shinier at this moment.

Third rose: Pick Ed, but she won’t until it is the last rose. One guy is psyching himself out. Oh, wow, she picked Ed. Please, please, please, please send Wes home.

Fourth rose: blond guy would like to cry. He looks like a swimmer. FUCK. She picked Wes. She is sending home the other two guys. Don’t know who they are. I HATE Wes.

Going home: Blond swimmer guy and some other guy who has stubble. Too bad about short swimmer dude. And about tall guy in a vest who gives her a long hug but says he feels like shit right now, this sucks. He was very surprised to see Ed and he believes Wes is there for the wrong reasons. Aw, crap, they make him take a taxi home instead of a limo. Blond guy Michael says that for a girl who just dumped him and just broke his heart, he could not say a bad thing about her. There are just a 100,000 small things that he just loved about this girl. He says, Oh, man, I straight up loved that girl, didn’t I? He is so so so so so so so cute. If he could tell her three things, first, e would tell her she’s beautiful and will always be beautiful. Second thing, I am going to miss you. And the third thing is, Be happy. God, I hope he is the next Bachelor.

Previews: One woman, four handsome men. She has to pick the blond guy with the glasses, Reed. He is the cutest. And Ed needs to make up for lost time. Jillian says that she’s not sure she would have the balls enough to do what he did. Classy, Jillian.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Icelandic windows

Padhraig and Carrie have been away on an Icelandic adventure and P. sent me the following photos to illustrate that the people in Reykjavik put weird things in their windows just like S. Philly peeps. The really strange thing about the following pictures containing animals is that I'm not sure if any of them are real or if they are stuffed. Like, one appears to be a two-headed goat. Real or fake? You be the judge.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Day Off

Has something happened to Michael Jackson?

Got back from the Ivy + conference last night, sponsored by MIT and held in either Cambridge or Boston; am still not clear where we were. We stayed in the Hyatt; v. expensive and the only real perk was being able to watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey on Bravo after the days events. I presented on a panel of three on Thursday and had the distinct sensation that I was stuck in the middle of that nightmare where you realize you're late for a calculus exam after not attending class for the entire term. Lesson: study your PowerPoint slides before presenting to a room of Ivy league colleagues.

Realized from this trip that I haven't been on an airplane in a few years. I was appalled that passengers are still required to take off their shoes, standing vulnerable and (in my case) barefoot. Is this necessary? I rebelled by not taking my make up bag out of my carry on. On Monday, we were delayed for six hours due to some unknown reason. Surprisingly, everyone seemed to accept this inconvenience without too much fuss. On the return trip, we only suffered an hour long delay. I found myself irrationally enraged by the woman in the seat behind me who got on her cell phone the second we were allowed to turn on our electronic devices. I wasn't irritated so much by her jumping on the phone, but more because she was so loud and I was forced to listen to her uninteresting, one-sided dialogue for ten minutes. I did not retaliate.

So, I took the day off to catch up on my household chores (laundry, grocery shopping, etc.). As you can imagine, the cats are thrilled.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Falling Down on the Job, Brought to You by Comcast

Who knows what's going on. I missed the last two episodes and the first hour and fifteen minutes of The Bachelorette. Jillian is grilling some blond guy on his ex-girlfriend, if she is his ex. He's sweating because he's lying on national television and the non-ex girlfriend will likely be calling the program very soon (meanwhile, i just watched Emma Carol kill and eat a fly. Good girl). Jillian is confessing that she grew up alone and always wanted fifteen kids and now she only wants 14 kids or so. What state are they in? Alaska? Why are they dressed in parkas in front of a fake outdoor fire? Oh, okay, it's British Columbia. Is that near Alaska?

Jillian is telling the guy that she would totally run away and live wherever the guy she likes lives and open up whatever bar he might want to open and give him babies and also be on a radio program, if that's what the man wants. Meanwhile, she's being described as independent. Unfortunately, I don't know who any of these guys are. Ed looks like a younger, more frazzled version of Robert Downey, Jr. circa that one film where he o.d.s in the back of a car. Poor Ed. He needs to get about 48 hours of sleep. Jillian strips and gets into the hot tub with more steam than you'll see in any place. The camera is fogging over from the steam. She appears to be giving him a hand job under water. Too cloudy to tell. Maybe he should try sitting up since his head is nearly half-submerged in the water. He can barely talk because water keeps getting into his mouth. I wish she would quit wiping boogers out of her nose. She's giving him the rose even though they haven't kissed. She would love for him to accept this rose. Just kiss already. A short peck on the mouth, into a larger kiss. Jessie or whatever his name is says that he's "gleaming" right now. Don't know what that means.

Ed now must tell Jillian that he has to leave, maybe because he has a girlfriend too. We know from the previews that it ends in tears. Who cares if Ed goes home? He doesn't have any clue how to wear a button up shirt under a sweater. She acts the same with every guy, like she totally loves him. Ed tells her that he has to leave because he has to go back to work. Huh? Did he not tell his work that he was going to be on a television show? Has he been calling in sick? Why would he take the rose then? She's crying and saying that it sucks but she's glad he's leaving and letting her down as opposed to the 6 or 7 people at work who have to take up the slack for him. She gives him an awkward hug and then blows her nose on his shirt. Ed says that he wants to keep the rose just because he...uh...he has to give it to his wife. Jillian asks him to promise her that when he does find someone he's crazy about that he shouldn't let work get in the way. By the by, they are sitting on the most gigantest sectional sofa I have ever seen. It has about twenty five sections on it. A caravan of people could relax on it.

She feels rejected because she's not sure if he's leaving for real because of work or because he's not into her. Get it together, Jillian. You've known this guy for three weeks and only in group settings. She worries that his leaving will cause a chain reaction where all the other guys will leave too. Ed claims that he absolutely could see himself falling in love with her and marrying her, but he has to check himself into rehab for his crack addiction which could inevitably lead him to od in the back of a convertible driven by Andrew McCarthy.

Hey, guess what reality show I can comfortably die without seeing? I Survived a Japanese Game Show.

They have made Jillian up into someone who looks like a drag queen--way too much make-up. Jillian really just can't stop crying about Ed. Still don't know why. She was just really attracted to him and his hang-dog, I-haven't-slept-since-I-called-in-sick-to-work-3-weeks-ago look about him. Chris is asked Jillian how she feels and why she's so upset and if she still thinks that some of the guys have girlfriends. She says she wishes Tanner would've focused on the relationship and not on gossip. She says that she thinks Jake is perfect, but she's not perfect. Mark doesn't like her enough. Robbie, she says, she feels like she knows him really well. And Wes, the hick country singer, is somebody who has been really open and she feels like she knows him so well and he makes her happy, except when he's crooning. She's not sure about Kiptyn (?) and Tyler too. Only one person will be going home. Wow, that sucks for the one guy. Jillian knows what she wants to do and doesn't want to worry about the stupid cocktail party.

God, this is long and I've only been watching it for a little more than half an hour. Okay, here are two other shows i never need to watch, Here Come the Newlyweds and Marry Me. True confession: I just ate a quarter of my body weight in Acme sharp cheddar cheese.

And now, the rose ceremony, where one single loser will be asked to go home. Jillian is telling them that she had such an incredible week with youse guys. This whole week has been such a great incredible and remarkable experience and so let's just get started.

First rose: Jesus, hurry up. Reeve. Frat boy. I guess he's cute and at least he's not wearing five tons of hair mousse.
Second rose: Kiptyn. Dumbest name ever. I guess I like him anyway. He kisses her loudly on the cheek.
Third rose: One guy smiles weakly. Robbie will absolutely accept this rose.
Fourth rose: Jake. The guy who smiled weakly. He'll go home next week.
Fifth rose: Don't high five, please. Don't give each other "knucks." Have some dignity. Tanner of the scary psycho eyes will accept this rose. Wes is really sweating it. He feels a song coming on.
Final rose: It'll be Wes. Not this other dude who we've never seen before. Yes, it's Wes and Tanner wants to beat the shit out of him. He is kind of sexy. He tells her that he's sorry about Ed. He's a playah.
Going home: Mark. Sorry about that, Mark. We didn't even really know you were on the show, to be honest. Absolutely. He tells her to visit any time she's in Denver. This whole situation has made him feel very stronger about his barrier situation. He's been cheated on 4 times. She absolutely has the kind of personality he truly loves, but he can't get past his own barriers. Yes, he did say barriers and situation twice in fourteen seconds. She is just happy that they're around.

Next week: A romantic journey across the rockies on a train. Tanner gets drunk and shows his underwear. Wes says he hopes this whole thing will give him publicity. Wow, that is horrible. One guy can't get it up on national television. Humiliating!! Are they really going to go there? It appears so.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Where Have You Gone, Joe DiMaggio?

My apologies for being a horrible blogger. I have been taking pictures all week long and can prove it here. I'm sorry that I haven't written about The Bachelorette, but I can't because I no longer have cable and that means for some reason that I only get one of the prime time channels.

Okay, so I may have posted this photo before, but it blows me away every time. A row of stuffed dogs and bears and a kid; all in baseball uniforms.

Here is some art for you. It's part of long billboard in South Philly. I think it was done by local kids, but that's just a guess.

This Holstein kitty usually is hanging out in the yard here, next to the ceramic Labrador. I can see another cat in the window as well, but this outside cat is hissy, so she's probably a feral cat with a sort of home.

Persian cats always look crabby.

A calico after my own heart. I like how the buildings reflect in the window.

Cat looks a little like Henri, only not nearly as fat and scaredy.
My darling. My darling with the green eyes.

Scary hairless cat who is probably really nice once you get to know him.

Curious and friendly.

Just a lion's head. I probably already have a couple of these up in previous posts.

And here is what I see every morning. Two pear-shaped cats staring out of the back window. At what? you might inquire.

At the mama cat who we got fixed. This is the mom of Paul Skoles and Piper. V. exciting.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Cats and Other Decorations

How did it get to be Wednesday already? For that matter, how did it get to be 2009?

Below, please notice a quite sparkly window full on tinsel and a little tiny baby pope in royal gowns. I find it amazing that someone would take the time to put this whole display up. And it's not seasonal. It's like that all the time. It must make their house darker, right? Maybe they're developing photographs?

Green door.
Blue door. On the same tiny side street. I wonder which one of the homeowners decided to paint her door first? And then the other neighbor was like, Well, if she's going to do bright green, then I'll just do bright blue!

I have always liked this mailbox. I am not sure what the design is. Maybe the Pony Express or Paul Revere.
I don't particularly like the window underneath, but I think it offers an interesting mix of things. To your far left, Jesus on the day of his crucifixion with the cross strapped to his bare back and blood dripping down his forehead. In the middle, a Renaissance scene of young love. Far right, the Coca Cola polar bears. It's a riddle I cannot figure out.

Ceramic beauty.

I saw the cat who goes in under this tiny door. She's black with a white face. I took a picture of her through the slates of the door here, but you couldn't see much of her so I didn't post it.

He's curious to see if I have any food. This is a cat who looks like he's smiling.

You can see some of the South Philly rowhouses in the reflection, as well as a cat with a very pink nose who kept titling her head whenever I made the cat smooching noise.

Black cat.
Fuzzy wuzzy.