Saturday, January 31, 2009

New Camera

Not sure I like it as much as my first one--it's not quite as intuitive. But anyway, here are my first photos. Of course, they are of cats.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Mother and Daughter

I've seen a couple of bad parenting examples while waiting for the subway lately. Both involving mothers and daughters. Last night, I heard a mom admonishing her daughter (who was around 8 or so) in this low, hateful voice. I couldn't hear everything she was saying, just a few sentences here and there like "you just wait until we get home...You can make that decision when you have a job of your own, but I am the boss now..Sick of your whining...Don't you dare speak to me..." It wasn't so much what she was saying, but the voice she used, this furious quiet voice. I had to walk to the other side of the platform to get away from it. Then there's this mother daughter team I see some mornings at my stop--the little girl is also about 8 and she's really thin and pale and has long blond hair with bangs. She looks kind of sickly, but she's lively. Today, she was wearing a man's tie, Annie Hall style. The mom isn't mean or nasty at all. She listens and she's pretty loving, but they were walking behind me to the station and then got on my same subway car, so I heard a lot of what she was saying to the kid and all of it was admonishment of some kind, telling her what not to do. Like: "Don't walk on the ice like that. You'll slip. It' s not funny! If you drop that bag of Froot Loops one more time, I'm going to take them from you. When you get on the subway, don't suddenly stop, because people are behind you..." The little girl then softly sang a Beatles song with the "oblahdee, oblahdah, life goes on" chorus and the mom didn't tell her not to. I guess there must be days as a parent when everything is exasperating.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Ernesto Has the Blues and Reds

You can make your very own Obamarama poster here. Below, please find the noble Ernesto, who was not actually very noble when he fell out of my bedroom closet last night at 2 a.m. (he occasionally goes in there to inspect the sheets and towels and almost always knocks something over). I am having a kind of weird week. Seems to be going extremely slowly and I don't feel like I'm getting anything done at all. I really wish I were a tidier person. My house is a mess--not in a way that's obvious. There's not piles of garbage on the floor or pillars of old newspapers or even clothes strewn about. My dishes are washed and my clothes are put away and my bed is usually made, but I don't clean. I don't dust, I don't mop the floors, I don't scrub down my fridge. I sometimes clean the tub is I know guests are coming for the weekend and I sometimes sweep the floors, but I still feel like a sloth. I was thinking the other day, What if I could have a maid. I honestly think I would be too embarrassed to hire a cleaning person. I could see myself cleaning up before he/she arrived to save face.

Also, here's an argument I was having with an invisible person this morning: is it wrong to give a black person's name to an animal? Like, is it wrong to name a black cat "Aretha" or a black dog "Oprah" (these were names of two animals referenced on a blog I read regularly). I kind of think it's racist, but maybe I'm wrong. I don't think so though. And yet, all of my animals have human names, and Ernesto is a Spanish name, though I chose it because he's elegant and dashing (except when falling off of things). I couldn't think of the white comparison to this idea of naming your animals after people based on color. I guess you could call a white dog "Cracker" or "Trash," (the only two derogatory terms I can think of for whites, aside from "honky" which hasn't been used since the last episode of The Jeffersons aired). Or like you could call a fat, drooling bull dog Rush Limbaugh or a cockeyed springer spaniel "W." I know when I was little, my uncles had a black dog named Buckwheat (after the black kid in The Little Rascals whose tag line was "O-tay!"). That's not too PC. The problem with naming a black animal after a black person is that pets are sort of like possessions. Like, you own a dog or a cat. So when you name this pet you own "Sambo" there's a not so indirect correlation to slavery. Or maybe I've been out of grad school too long and my brain is jelly.

Due to some very good news I received recently, I will be purchasing a new digital camera this weekend. Liz M. suggests the Canon Powershot. I was with her last weekend when she bought hers for her upcoming trip to London. I'm willing to spend around $150 or a little more, so if you have a better recommendation, I'll take it. I need to get a camera back. All the windows in South Philly are being decorated with hearts and cupids and weirdly hanging red and white stuffed animals.

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Most Seriously Difficult Rose Ceremony TO DATE

Missed last week and so must work even harder to prove I am not a slacker and can, in fact, commit to watching one bad TV show a week. I'm not too worried about missing an episode--they'll surely give us a five minute run down of all of the pertinent happenings before beginning the show. In truth, each two hour episode could easily be shrunken to five minutes if you take out of the stupid commentary and long pauses for dramatic effect. My main question is whether Deeyawna will show up this time or if they're saving that for mid season?

Recap: "Previously, on the Daddy Bachelor...Handsome single dad without a shirt has come to LA for true love..." Cut to: Stephanie and little girl running together everywhere. That poor little girl. Jason without his shirt taking their clothes off for some kind of bodice fitting thing. Melissa admits that she had a breast reduction. Nikki says that she's a perfectionist. Jillian jumps on the bed with him. Megan wears an aqua necklace. Natalie gets to go into a helicopter, but she has to go home. At the rose ceremony, Megan talks about how the girls are talking with trash on her. Carrie and Erika go home. Erika is quite the little lady, saying, "This is bullshit, mo-fo!"

And now the show begins in earnest with nine ladies left and Chris Harrison wearing a shirt from Urban Outfitters that's too young for him. He has lost a total of 30 pounds for this season or else he has cancer and I feel bad then. The women are told that they have 30 minutes to prepare a love song to sing for Jason in order to get a private date with him. Stephanie's breasts are composing an opera. Shannon can't think of anything that rhymes with "hygientist." Lauren amidst that she will write the best song in the world and it will be on the radio. Nikki starts crying because she doesn't know how to read or write and so can't perform the song. She's not created like that, she says. Maybe she should do an interpretive dance of her feelings. Is she talking to herself or the camera. She says she would rather jump out of plane or have partial lobotomy than have to sing for Jason.

Here comes Jason. Huh. He's wearing a matching Urban Outfitters shirt. Maybe he and Chris will end up together? Let's see some man love. Molly volunteers to go first with the song. This is horrible....Oh, dear God. He's fake laughing. They are all fake laughing. Shannon is doing a rap song using the rapper name "Shay-nay-na" (I like her for that). Some girl in boots, some other girl singing. Oh, Christ, Stephanie is breaking glass with her opera song. Lauren says that everybody's song sucks, because she seriously wrote a full out song. "Lying here, all alone, wondering if I should go home..." She clearly brought her Ashley Simpson CD with her. Nikki is about to pass out. Lauren pretends that it was awful. Just awful!! Nikki is trying not to vomit on herself. She sings a song that she would like to sing to her baby someday. She actually has a lovely voice. Now Lauren is pissed because she did not win him over. It's Molly. Molly and her scarf will go on a one on one date with Jason to sleep in a cheap tent. PBS must be running out of money.

Damn, you guys, we're only 12 minutes into the show.

Molly's date box has arrived. Scream! All the girls are hoping she's going to a rodeo or like an alligator wrestling competition or a Great White shark encounter or like anywhere that doesn't allow them to be alone, preferably something that might end in her death. Sorry, dudes, they're going to sleep in a Walmart tent for 12 hours. Will she have sex with him? Probably, but they never tell. They leave the house holding hands. Stephanie's eyebrows don't like it one bit. Megan deals with it by chugging a fishbowl of wine.

They always do this. They always lounge on pillows. Does anyone ever do this in real life? Is she sweating? Yes. He's grilling her about her intentions. He finds her eyes to be "star-gazing amazing." A direct quote. Back at the house, the date box arrives. I love how Shannon doesn't mind that she looks like shit on camera. She's always just in her pajamas with no make up on. Jillian, Lauren, a bunch of others get to go on the group date. Nikki is a flipping basket case. She's crying because she gets to go on a two on one date.

Jason and Molly sit by the fire, making smores and drinking cheap wine. She manages to keep her lipstick on throughout. She's a phony. She's admitting how she's having the time of her life and how she sees herself with someone just like him, almost exactly like him, but perhaps not quite him...Uh...Jason gives her a rose, with the caveat that she at least touch him "down there" in the tent. She will most definitely. He says, I've had a great night and I don't want it to end, so will you camp with me and you know, hang out, and like, have you ever heard of a pee-pee? (That's daddy speak). He's telling her that she has super soft skin. Shannon is the only one in the house waiting up. She should not bother. If she had only watched the ten previews, she would know that Molly stays the night.

Morning dawns and Molly is on cloud nine. He thanks her for sleeping with him. They kiss loudly. She has no regrets, she says. Lauren hugs her, but she's only trying to get close to her to see if she smells of Jason. Molly admits that she didn't get much sleep and neither did Jason. Don't these girls have any class? Like why would you say that knowing it's going to piss everyone else off?

Group date. Melissa admits that she is stumped by what the date will be because the date card just said that they're going to play doctor. By the way, Melissa is the one who ends up with Jason--some geek uncovered this fact by freeze framing the previews of the season finale. OMIGOD!! They're on the set of General Hospital. Is GH still on? I thought they stopped airing that when I graduated high school. Nice product placement for GH, PBS. We get to meet two of the dorky actors from the show. The girls go to make up and prepare to perform a part with Jason. Shannon is playing herself, a dental hygienist. Shannon and Jason kiss on set as part of rehearsal and she's so excited. That's the only time she will ever kiss him. She says that she now feels a connection. The other girls admit that they want to suck face with him on the set of a pretend hospital on a fake reality show. This thing has layers, people. Megan gets to act like Joan Collins for real. The pressure mounts!

It's only 8:36. Do you know where your brain is? Oh, hey, look! A commercial for General Hospital. Smooth programming, PBS.

Back on the set, Jason admits he's a horrible actor. We know, because you can't even fake a smile. And he's also very scruffy faced. Naomi is also admitting that she hopes this show leads to a real acting job in a soft corn porno if nothing else. She gets to kiss Jason 500 times while wearing a maid's outfit. Now Jillian is on set, wearing a terrible blond wig. He presents her with an engagement ring. She's adorable. He says, You know I love you. They kiss. She loves it! This is the dumbest premise I have ever seen. Back at the house, Eyebrows and Crybaby are laying out by the pool. Crybaby has huge boobs. Oh, right, I forgot that she has only been with one guy her entire life. Only ever kissed one guy in her life. She's crying again because she just wants to be married and have a kid already, she says through her slightly virginal tears.

Megan/Joan Collins gets to play the seductress. How uncanny. He says, I love you. She jumps on him and starts seriously making out with him. She is smooshing his face and jamming her tongue down his throat. Melissa is getting a lot of screen time to talk about how she's surprised that she's falling for him (this is good footage for the end of the show or the recap episode after they become engaged for two months before breaking up).

After the stupid faux television scenes, the girls get to go to this lame rooftop cocktail party ("wrap party") at Holiday Inn, Los Angeles. Melissa is dressed as if she were going to the beach. The girls are all pouting. Naomi has gone off to sit by herself. He goes over to make sure she's okay. He takes her downstairs (?) to talk. She admits to him that she doesn't like it when he's making out with many other girls right in front of her. She says that she knows that he gets her (what's there to get about her?). He says that he will always want the best for her, even if it's not with him at all. That's basically what he just told her. Melissa is seriously clad in work out shorts. Shannon may or may not be wearing make up on the date. She's really cute, but she's over the top. Mega is talking about how everyone is crying and how it's stupid and she doesn't understand these things called emotions. Jason gives her a friendly hug. She pouts. She wants him to kiss her. He won't do it. He tells her that she's such a great person and he just hugs her again and again. Now he's going to go off with Lauren and she's going to tell him he better pick her or she's going to be pissed (this was in the previews). Lauren is explaining how she likes to boss people around and saying that maybe he likes that. Maybe he wants to be dominated. She'll definitely get an offer for soft core porn. She's telling him how she needs to get a rose, and how she only wants him to give it to her if he wants to give it to her, but what's she's implying is that he's a total dick if he doesn't pick her because she's so awesome.

(Aside, I don't like it when they use puppies to sell things like wet wipes for adults behinds. This was the commercial that was just on).

He pulls Melissa aside and she's crying because she thought they were supposed to go jogging (hence the outfit). She's telling him that today proved to her that she really does care about him, and that she thinks she likes him more than she thought she did. He says that he likes it and he kisses her even though she has snot coming out of her nose. Thumb to chin!! I like her lots. He says, All I can say right now is don't be scared. Shannon has decided to step her game up, for the 100th time. She admits that it's been so difficult. She's crying and she says that he won't let him go, she's putting her heart on her shoulder. Not on her sleeve? She says she wants to meet Ty. She's even practicing lactating. She promises Ty a lifetime of free dental care. He thinks of her like a little sister. She's whining and saying over and over again how he has to, has to keep her. She blows her nose on a napkin. That's lovely. She picks her nose in front of him. She leans forward and kisses him. He doesn't really reciprocate. At all. At least she's smart enough to realize that this is not a good sign.

Back at the house, the date card arrives. The dreaded two on one card! One of them will have to go home at the end of the date. It should be Eyebrows. Well, it should be both of them.

He gives the rose out tonight to Naomi for being herself and not someone else (?). It's funny how half the girls are really tough and half the girls are full of tears.

Up next, it is the most unromantic awkward date yet! The two girls get to go dancing with Jason while wearing borrowed dresses from the sale bridesmaid rack.

Time: 9:08 p.m.

Two ugly dresses are delivered to the front door and they are going to a fairy tale castle or somewhere (hopefully not back to the Mickey Mouse studio). Stephanie may have fake breasts. They all do, except for Melissa who had a breast reduction, to Jason's total disbelief. He says that he likes both of these girls and one of these girls could be the girl of his dream and his wife.

There's Megan with a glass of wine stuck to her upper lip.

They drive off in a Rolls Royce driven by someone invisible. Jason's concerned that Nikki just stays in the box, and he doesn't know if she can ever get out of the box (she can't). As for Stephanie, he's just not sure there's a romantic connection and he's not sure if she's as totally flaky as she seems. They pull up to a generic scene with white lights everywhere. He wants to make sure the girls have a good time. They will be learning ballroom dancing. Good idea. Good idea to have an activity where there will always be one person feeling completely left out. Nikki says she needs weeks or months to prepare! But then she lies through her teeth to him and says that she's not worried about screwing up. She won't stop giggling and acting like an idiot and looking at her feet. Stephanie's eyes are riveted to the pair of them. Stephanie will rock this because she was a ballet dancer. She cuts in and she does not look at her feet. Nikki will probably start crying. The problem is that Stephanie's nearly a foot taller than Jason. You know what might be helpful? If they actually had music to waltz to.

What other awkward things will they do? Oh, okay, they are going to sit down together and have a terrible dinner. He asks them if they would be able to move to Seattle if it works out. Nikki says that she's totally single and doesn't have a baby and she's not tied down to some kid and so she's free to go wherever, whenever, however. She confesses that she hasn't been on any dates since she dated her high school sweetheart for 11 years in a row and then he dumped her one day. He's figuring out that she has only slept with one person in her entire life. That might freak him out. Stephanie is kicking herself for recommending to Nikki that she tell him that. Of course, Stephanie has conversations with him that are filled with cliches, I love that this door opened, and that I followed my heart and that the world is an oyster, and I feel like this magical desire to get to know you better and to take this little light of mine, and just let it shine because we've got the whole world in our hands. I have no idea who he's going to pick. I think probably Nikki because Stephanie is a hippie phony. Oh, he's sending Nikki home. Crazy. Stephanie's being nice about it--doesn't squeal or jump up and down like some of the other girls might. Jason says that it's really hard to send her home because she's one of the sweetest people here. He tells her she should never ever change. They are all talking like they're verbally signing each other's yearbooks for eternity. Meanwhile, she's going to lose her shit in the back of the limo. She doesn't know how much smarter or prettier she could get, she says. She knows she could've been really really good for Jason and Ty, but maybe someone will be better for him. They need to cut this part of the show short. Jason must return to Stephanie. He still doesn't want to even kiss Stephanie. She says that she wants to kiss him and he does not do anything about it. Oh, okay, they do finally kiss and it's the most boring kiss ever. What makes a good kiss? We will discuss this later. (By the way, do you know who is the smooshiest? Emma Carol.She just jumped up on the couch next to me and I swear she is filled with feathers and cotton balls).

The girls discuss how hard it is for all of them because it did become real. Shannon is wearing a moo-moo. Lauren is the prettiest but she is also a total itch-bay. He reminds them that tonight is a party!! I like Jillian, but again, she's like a buddy to him. One of one time with Jillian. He says, You are the backbone of this group. She tells him that she likes to call him dude in front of the girls and Jason to his face. The other girls say that they can't see them together. Actually, it's Megan who says this, even though she's very similar to Jillian. Melissa goes out to sit with Jason and says that she's sorry that she cried the other night. She tells them that she notices the little things about him, like the freckle near his eye and the hole he has his in his ear from his gay sadomasochistic period with Chris. Again with the whole hand covering the side of her face when they're kissing.

Megan realizes that she needs to take some time with him. She does have that sexy smokey voice, but she is really a Joan Collins look-a-like. Though she says, "OMG, am I going to be there at the final rose ceremony." She actually said, "O-M-G." I can't believe this woman is 25. She's more like 35. She is sort of adorable, but she will never make it. I wish he would stop with that stupid fake smile.

Lauren is happy that she gets to be the blunt one. He doesn't appreciate her attitude at all, but she doesn't notice. Jason pulls her aside and she says, Kiss me now, but not in a sexy way, more like in a way that you might say to a kid, GET in the house right now! It's a very formulaic kiss.

The Rose Ceremony

Well, we already know from the previews that this will be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever because Jason cannot make a decision. Whatever. There's at least five girls he doesn't even like. Shannon, for one. He's not sending her home because he's scared she will jump out of the limo as it's driving away and drag herself back, bleeding, but still wearing a mouth guard, to the party. Still, we are thankfully nearing the end with only two more hours to go!

Chris says, It's been an emotional week. I know. I understand, but Jason understands and appreciates what you are going through. Naomi, Stephanie, Molly, you already have the roses so you can tell the other girls to suck it. Only three roses to give out and then two of you will go home. Now Jason comes out and says some more platitudes.

First rose goes to: Melissa, I'm sure. I'm right.
Second rose: Jillian. Wow, really? Okay, I like her.
Third and final rose will not be given out. Right? Lauren, Shannon, and Megan are left. He doesn't really like any of them. Forty thousand seconds pass. He says that he can't do this. Oh, he's going to send all three of them home. I get it! Awesome!! Why wouldn't he just keep them along for awhile more. They're all going home. Interesting twist. The other girls who have roses are totally preening.

Going home: All three. Shannon is surprisingly holding it together. Unbelievable. She is smiling and she says she's going to go home and use her electric toothbrush and give her puppy French kisses. She said that. I like her even more. Megan is shocked and surprised and really really confused and sad. She said, It's pathetic how much I don't want to go home right now.

Next week: They get to meet Ty finally. They will be judged on their ability to bond with his son. There will be airplanes, a canceled date, a call in radio show, and a bunch more tears. Can't wait!!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Pres B. Obama is Copying Me

The White House now has a blog that you can find here. I am certain it won't be as entertaining as blogs with cat photos, cat references, updates about babies, blogs pinpointing the pitfalls of celebrities, with photos of dogs and other cute fuzzy creatures, but still, it might have some substance.

Here are some other things the new President has done in the last, oh, day and a half:

1. Started the process for closing Guantánamo Bay; the place where GW and all his evildoers have been torturing people in "classified" ways without having to answer to anyone.

2. Issued a salary freeze for top staff (those making $100,000 or more a year) in the White House as a measure to illustrate that he won't ask the American people to do anything that he wouldn't expect from himself or his WH employees.

3. Has begun identifying ways to withdraw from Iraq and Afghanistan.

4. Put an end to gifts made by lobbyist and did some other stuff regarding lobbyists that I don't really feel like trying to explain here as I barely understand it myself, but basically, it's an attempt to dissolve the "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" backroom politics.

Am I turning political? I must quickly find some pop culture junk to fill my head like those white packing peanuts you use to ship rare china. But first, yet a another link, this one to an Onion article: "Obama Inauguration Speech Ruined by Incessant Jack-Hammering."

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Audacity of Cats

The title from one of Obama's book keeps circling around in my head: The Audacity of Hope. And then also I keep thinking about his inaugural speech yesterday and how he said that every person needs to be strong and stand up and be accountable. And the cynic in me responds, "What does that even mean? Give me some direct examples, please." But then the moo-moo side of me argues back (moo-moo = hippie/optimist/do gooder), "Maybe that means doing your part to conserve energy and to make more intelligent choices about spending. Like, maybe that means you should spend $50 at H&M every other week to buy shirts I don't need that fall apart by the end of the month. Maybe instead you should save your money to purchase a house or to pay off your bills." And maybe if everyone did the same thing, squashed their impulses for immediate gratification through consumerism, then it actually would make a difference (here's where the swelling sound of "Khumbya" begins to be heard in the background). But you know, I think lots of us are still in culture shock from having a leader who is intelligent and thoughtful. It's so foreign. And someone who is respected by the global community. Someone with a brain who has a better than average command of the English language and practices diplomacy.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Yeah, President Obama!

Someecards has these great electronic cards about the presidency. Here are a couple, and you can find many more online.

And there's a really interesting and detailed article in the latest issue of Vanity Fair called "Farewell to All That: An Oral History of Bush White House" that you can read online here.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Songs to Listen to While You're Waiting for Something Big to Happen

I just like the title for a blog post. I don't actually have any songs in mind. Though there is a line from (possibly?) a Tom Petty song: "the waiting is the hardest part." What song/singer is that? Or, "Stop, oh, yes, wait a minute, Mister Postman." Or "I'll be waiting around/watching you drown..." or some such nonsense.

Had dinner last night at Farmacia and highly recommend it. It's owned or organized by the same peeps who run White Dog in West Philly. They bring around these little baskets filled with bread and offer them up to you. There was also a green apple as the centerpiece. At the end of the meal, I asked the waitress what the etiquette was for the apple. Were we meant to eat it? Had fifteen thousand people touched it before us and rubbed it all over their bodies. Well, yes, she said. Fifteen thousand people had already put their hands on it, but we were welcome to take it home, wash it thoroughly, and then eat it. I was a little disappointed, as it would have made a very nice dessert.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

What You Get From a Camera Phone

So, since my camera is broken, I decided to take a picture with my phone after my writing class last night. Here's how great those photos turn out:
But really, it is an accurate representation of what the subway feels like around 8 p.m. after work.

I thought of a good title for a short story/essay: "Dating Your Husband." It could start out like: "Your husband is always a gentleman. He insists on paying for dinner (in cash). He opens doors for me. In bed, he tries his best to make sure we both enjoy it. He never looks directly at the clock." Etc.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

My Life as a Reality Show

Speaking of reality shows, the one that comes on after The Bachelor is this reality show where the contestants all believe they are being judged by their outer beauty, but it turns out that they win or lose based on their behavior or inner beauty. From what little I've glimpsed so far, none will take the prize, as they all seem superficial and stupid.
But the premise reminded me of how I feel most of the time; as if I were being filmed by some unseen camera and subsequently judged and evaluated by my actions. For instance, I have this thing where I'll go into a clothing store, and if I see a shirt that's half off the hanger, I fix it. Part of me just doesn't like it hanging there, but the other part wonders if maybe one of the sales clerks will notice and think I'm super nice and offer me a job. I really think this. I mean, it's not that I believe this will happen. I know it won't, but I often stand outside of myself and wonder how others view my actions. I think this comes in part from a phenomenon known as "church." After years and years of being told that you're being watched by Jesus, God, St. Francis of Assisi (I hope so! I love animals!) and various and sundry guardian angels and heaven gatekeepers, it's hard to shake the sense that your every action has some kind of cosmic measure. But that doesn't mean I make the "right" or ethical choice because I'm inherently good; I sometimes make it because of this desire for approval or to be seen as nice or good.

They had one scene from the show last night where the contestants were left alone in a room with a book that contained all of their private scores. So, the person left in the room had the opportunity to peek inside the book (I guess maybe they were told not to do this), not knowing that there was a hidden camera. I would probably have looked.

Monday, January 12, 2009

15 Hot Ladies: One Daddy...Who Will Get His Tongue Down Her Throat?

I cannot believe this next episode is also two hours long. How are we to endure it? If you were to edit out all the recaps and the previews, I swear the show would go no longer than 15 minutes, including commercial breaks. This must be a huge money maker for whatever station it's on (I refuse to be their monkey and endorse the BBC).

Opening shots: Jason in the shower, Jason jogging with his shirt off, Jason shucking corn in a thong, Jason doing a topless samba. Recaps of all the women he met and all the crazy weird stuff they did like making hot dogs! Jason keeps talking about how awesome it is to be surrounded by all these beautiful, amazing, single (and widowed) women with or without children, but all wanting a piece of his Ty. His son's name is "Ty" in case you have forgotten. TY! Or possibly it's "Tie." He's not yet spelled it out, so I'm not sure.

15 women left...I guess that means that he will have two giganto dates and maybe one or two one-on-one dates. Psychic prediction about how many women he will kiss on this particular show: Two. Number of scenes with the women in bikinis trying to rub lotion on him: Two. Number of times Jason says amazing: 14.

Scene of Jason zipping up his son Ty's suitcase. Ty's his buddy. Ty is his best friend in the world (really?). But he has to let Ty go home because Ty needs to spend time with his mother, also named Ty. And maybe one of these women will be special enough for Jason to bring his son, Ty, into their and Ty's life.

BBC does love to keep these women liquored up. It's 8 a.m. and they're all drinking straight Scotch. That makes for better television. And the host, Chris Harrison says, "I hope to see all of you women at the rose ceremony." (Why wouldn't he? Is someone going to die?). I also love how they pretend that Jason gets to come up with the dates himself. Yeah, he'll plan the three hour ride to the coast in a jet and a helicopter so they can surf.

Jason just said "anyways." A pet peeve of mine. He's now topless. The women are drooling. He does have a hot body, but it makes me wonder how he spends his time--he has to spend at least 3 hours a day working out. What is Ty doing while daddy's working out, huh? Huh, Jason?

Chicken fight! They're all in the pool in their bikinis. Now Shannon is having the time of her life putting lotion on Jason's broad and handsome and manly, husband-y back. She's telling him that she's truly ready to be a mother and how all of her friends are pregnant and she wants to be a mommy! Please!! She almost starts crying. He says, It'll be fine. Just continue to be your goofy self...Oh, whoops, that didn't go over too well.

Jason must give out a single rose to the girl he most wants to spend one-on-one time with. What are they supposed to do now? It's not like they have any games planned. He's talking to the elementary school teacher and they're holding hands. She asks him if he remembers the conversation they had. He said she quizzed him about poly sci. That's sort of true--the three branches of the government. Another girl is now talking about how she worked with orphans and how it was life-changing. For the orphans, she adds. Shannon is throwing ice cubes at them. Stupid. Now he's talking to some blond. Stephanie, the widow, is making blender drinks to give to Jason and herself. She's standing there and he's not noticing or stopping the boring conversation about this girl's nieces and nephews. Awkward. These girls are boring. Okay, so he's picking up the rose and he's going to give it to...I bet it's Megan. Wrong...He's giving it to Julianne who made him the hot dogs. Oh, I just started not liking Lauren because she said how she is competitive and likes to win and that's why she's always in pageants.

The date with Julianne...They get into a black limo and are headed somewhere out in L.A. Oh, crap, they're going to Disney Hall. SO GROSS! Are they going to dance with Mickey Mouse? Total product placement. What the hell is Disney Hall? Oh, no, double whammy, he just said how magical it is. She has to keep exclaiming that it's beautiful and awesome. He's stuffing a strawberry into her mouth and pouring champagne down her throat. (Aside: she is really working this hot dog story). The biggest surprise of the night is a private performance by Robin Dick. Who? Was he a contestant on American Idol, season 3? Who in the world is Robin Dick and how stupid does he feel performing for two people? I would hate this if I were her. I would be so self-conscious. They're dancing and he sucks as a dancer. He's practically standing on her feet. He just kissed her, right in front of Robin Dick. What would be awesome is if she were just totally into the singer and started ignoring Jason and batting her eyes at RD. I wonder when he'll put his thumb on her chin like he did with Deeyawna every time they made out? Oh, my God, he dipped her and then hugged her. It just seems so fake and forced.

Julianne returns from her date and starts telling them how great the date went and admitting that they kissed. (These girls cannot stop putting their hair into ponytails). Melissa is the next person going on a date and she's really nervous that she won't be herself or get to make out with him. He tells the viewing audience that he likes Melissa because she's fun and beautiful, but he wants to know if she will ever settle down and take total care of his son, Ty. He's making up an oyster for her and she first pretends to like it, but then admits that she hates it. Points for her. Now she admits that she wants to be a first grade teacher and in the summers, she wants to play with her own kids. She can't stop saying "Absolutely" to everything. They're on a beach and I bet anything she wishes that her hair wasn't blowing all over the place. Oh, first thumb on the chin kiss from Jason. Second girl to make out with Jason. Now they're going into a gigantic blimp for a ride. "Going straight to the moon!" he says. He has his arms around her, just like he did the other girl. He's giving her a rose. Will she accept this rose? What does she say? "Absolutely." More slow kissing with his thumb right on her entire cheek. I wonder if he's any good in bed? Or if he's like, too nice? (Clearly, this comment reveals more about me than anyone else).

Today is the first group date. Jason says today will be an "amazing" day fulll of surprises. The girls get to go shopping and pick out anything they want. Hey, okay, I like that. But what if they don't have the right undergarments, like if their bra straps are showing. More drinking. Second or third time that they're all in their bikinis? Oh, dear, he's doing a talent show. He's doing this fake break dancing horrible thing. Three girls do a synchronized swimming routine and then Molly steals him away to sit on this odd dais thing. He asks her what her talent is and she says, I'm a good kisser. Smooth! They kiss. He seriously just jammed his thumb into her chin.

Okay, weird. Nikki is admitting to the camera that she has only kissed one other person in her life. But she has had sex with five guys. Her seventeen year old ex boyfriend. Is she Christian? What is going on? She's strange. She's too intense.

Naomi has decided that she needs alone time with him. So she snuggles up with him under a faux bear skin rug in front of a faux fireplace. He kisses her too. Like a friend. She says, Can friends kiss? Another good move! I might do okay on this show for a little while. Surrounding the flirtateouness, at least. Omigod, I totally underestimated the number of girls he was going to kiss. He has now made out with four different women.

Raquel gets into the limo because she knows that she won't have other one on one time with him. Way to go. She makes it weird though by saying, Have you had enough of me? She's definitely going home. She I guess just didn't plan it well enough. She basically said that she would stay as long as he would have her and never go home until he told her to and then even at that point, she probably won't go home right away but will just fly to Seattle to hang out with Ty until he finishes up the show and realizes that she's the love of his life!!! Okay?

The rose ceremony is officially 45 long minutes away. He's having one on one time with Erika. In case you've forgotten, Erica is the obnoxious brassy girl who almost got voted off by the other girls. He says that he noticed that Erica pulled away from him toward the end of the huge group date. Erica says, Yes, you're right. What she really means is that she had too much boxed wine to drink and so was close to passing out. Now the elementary school teacher is saying how she feels like it's not a two way street and he's not sending the right vibe (this is also the beauty pageant girl). And next, Shannon is being goofy again. She's telling him that he's so so so cute. He's not sure how he feels about the fact that she knows so much about him, for instance, the date of his son's birthday. Now Stephanie is making everyone bummed out by telling the story of how her husband died for the third time. The other girls are pretending to cry. She talks alone with Jason and manages not to bring up her dead husband. Or rather, her arched eyebrows talk to him.

Who is this girl? Oh, Lisa. She's going home. Good for her!!!! This has never happened before. No girls ever leave. But her grandma is sick. This would not have phased most of the, such as the widow, whose has just explained that her daughter's birthday is tomorrow. The other girls are trying to control themselves from screaming with joy. One less person competing for a rose!!

Megan takes her turn to be one on one with him. She's wearing a side ponytail. She's trying to tell him about what her life was like but she gets interrupted by one of the girls who already has a rose. Everyone is now talking about how lame it is that Molly did that, especially Erica and then, omigod, get this, Erica tells Molly the opposite. And now she and Megan are fighting and Erica looks like a crazy drunk person.

Final rose ceremony...Okay, I guess I'm going to predict that Raquel and Erica are going home. Raquel because she just showed up in the limo and Erica because she's so mannish and plus, I just don't like her. Probably the BBC will force Jason to keep her for the drama factor. I hope Joan Collins/Megan stays for one more week at least. Chris Harrison is talking about how catty the girls are getting. Jason admits that tonight is getting tougher. It was really hard for him to say good-bye to Lisa since he never really got a chance to talk to her at all and had no serious interest in her, but still. We have to now watch a play by play of the night. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. At least Jason manages to call them "women" rather than "girls" occasionally. Maybe I should drink while watching this show. Or maybe I should try to write about this and another show at the same time, such as Bromance, the newest dumb show from MTV; the guy version of Paris Hilton's, My Best Human Prop Ever. What are these guys being judged on? How dude-ish they can be? Who is this prick anyway? Or "anyways," as Jason would say.

First rose goes to: Eyebrows? No, Megan! Joan Collins gets to stay another week.

2nd: Nikki. When he was talking about her excellent assets, the camera paused on her boobs. I swear to God.

3rd: Lauren. The beauty queen who needs lots of attention.

4th: HURRY UP! They pause for like ten seconds between each. Naomi. Because she kissed him? He's kind of cute. They all say absolutely. Did I mention that before.

5th: How much can I type before he chooses--okay, Stephanie and her eyebrows.

6th: Kerri. She's cute, but I don't remember her even a little bit. She almost just fell down.

7th: Natalie. She's all right. Won't last.

8th: Raquel looks as if she's made of wax. She might throw up. Shannon, the psycho. Why is he keeping her?

FINAL ROSE goes to...: It's going to be....Uh, probably Erica because of the BBC's need for continued theater. I am right. She puts his hand on her boob so that he can feel how much her heart is beating.

Tragically going home: Raquel and that high strung looking girl, Sharon. She's going to be pretty poised about it. She quit her job to come on the show. She's now wandering around the garden. Raquel will be back at his house. She is saying that she had faith it would work out, but she was wrong because she went into his limo. She says, I don't know why it didn't work out. I weally don't know. She weally said "weally."

Next week: Someone does a cartwheel. Slow motion with Stephanie doing a serious collide with her daughter, knocking out her front baby teeth. I'm not kidding.

The Last Dregs of Christmas

My digital camera is officially broken. So sad! I suppose I could run out and buy another one, but I'm trying to save $ and not spend it (never mind that I dropped $50at H&M this weekend b/c they had a buy one/get one free sale). But I do have just a few photos left-over that I never posted. Most were taken the week of Christmas or thereabouts.

I like the balance and democracy of this photo. Who is most important: Santa, the Christmas tree, or the Snow Person? NO ONE. They are all equally meaningful or meaningless, depending on your point of view.

Oh, okay, this is my tiny yet obnoxious Christmas tree. The lights were added willy-nilly by Luke when they were visiting. The tree is still up because I like how it looks, especially with the woman in the Lempicka picture peering at you from behind it.

Sort of innocuous photo of Snow Person and star.

I like how ornate and Victorian this window is.

This photo shows a gigantic Santa about to leap to his death from a housing project. Mary and Joseph remain oblivious below.

I always had some trouble as a kid trying to reconcile how Santa and the Baby Jesus fit in together. Did they exist at the same time? Was one way earlier? Why was the weather so different in their respective worlds? Was Santa one of the Wise Men who then got fatter and moved North?

Yes, okay, you have the biggest wreath in town.

Henri, on the night before Christmas. Waiting most patiently for Santa to arrive and bring him what he's hoped for all year--the sudden disappearance of Emma Carol and Ernesto. He was disappointed.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

More Sluttiness

The new piece in Maven is up, but I'm a little concerned because it now looks like it might be an online resource open only to members. Update again: No, I was wrong. It's open to everyone. Whoops. Thanks, Mr.D., for letting me know and hope you are enjoying your chai latte this very moment.

Here's the link to "How to Become a Slut, Part II."

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Where to Pick Up Men

I love how Philadelphia magazine's fall issue included a section about the best places to snatch up a date, including the bookstore, the coffee shop, and the laundryomat. Shmitten Kitten's recent post offered similar advice (though somewhat tongue in cheek), but I have to say, none of these locations have ever worked for me. I went to the same coffee shop for six years when I lived in State College. Never once did a conversation spring up between me and a guy, unless it was, "Can you plug my computer in for me?" And never once did I witness the spontaneous conversation spark between any two other strangers. It doesn't happen often, because it's creepy. It's creepy to just start talking to a stranger for no reason. Okay, fine, you could say one or two innocuous things like, "I love hazelnuts." Or, "Drinking this much coffee really makes me have to pee." But then if you try to extend the conversation, it would seem odd and fake. "So, I see you're reading Deluze. You must be a grad student, am I right? What's with him and that Guitar dude anyway?" And if anyone tried to talk to me at the laundromat, I would be offended. Usually when I'm out doing laundry, I'm wearing the very last possible garment available, meaning a pit-stained tee shirt and ex-boyfriend jogging pants with cat hair and am not thinking at all about dating. And I don't want some random person coming over as I'm shoving dirty underwear into the washer. "Hey, I noticed you have a couple of thongs and I thought I'd say hi."

Or maybe it's that I just don't know how to pick up men.

Once, when I was at Penny's Noodle Shop in Chicago with my friend Becky, I thought I was having eye contact with this guy across the room. I cleverly wrote my phone number inside a gum wrapper and then put the gum wrapper back in it's sleeve, sans the gum. We left the restaurant around the same time, and as the guy and his friend were talking on the sidewalk, Becky and I walked by them. I held up the wrapper to the guy and said, "Stick of gum?" He said, "Yeah, no thanks." Denied.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Oh, okay, so there's a link to my newest article in Philadelphia Stories. It's called ""What I Learned in Workshop Hell," and might only be interesting to other writers. There should be one posted in Maven soon, but I guess the editor is having a little trouble keeping up with the content as the last issue went out Dec. 15.

Here is a cute picture of me and my ho's when Jodie came to visit. Liz has pointed out that Jodie doesn't really look like that. She doesn't. I mean, this is a nice photo, but there's something in the way she's got her eye arranged that doesn't quite look right. I would be posting more photos (and do have some from that night that I can put up later), but my camera is busted. Some guy took a look at it for me and he said it needed a Flash card which doesn't make sense to me. It worked before, so why would it suddenly stop working? Nothing feel out of the camera, as far as I know. He said that the Flash cards are expensive so I should just go ahead and buy a new one. Bummer!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Things That Irritate Me When I'm Crabby between the times of 6:30-6:45 a.m.

1. Not getting to pet the dog that I see approaching me on the sidewalk because the dog owner veers a different street.

2. The coffee lady filling my cup too full so there's not enough room for the proper amount of milk (even though on any other day, this would be a good thing. Not when I'm crabby though).

3. How windy and cold the wider, less populated streets of Philadelphia can be. For instance, 11th Street is fairly wide, and so this means there's less resistance to the wind. Today, I found myself internally debating with the building commissioners and asking them why they didn't build MORE buildings so that it wouldn't be so damn windy.

4. My itchy scarf.

5. Somewhat misleading publicity. There's a You Tube video I saw recently that is just a montage of 97 reasons to come to Philadelphia. It has this guy in front of all the cool things like these murals and the clothespin and the love statute and Ben Franklin and the Italian Market. I started thinking about how I could make the opposite video almost as easily: 97 reasons not to come to Philadelphia, starting with filming the trash strewn streets, the rats I sometimes see outside of the dumpster of the nearby Chinese restaurant, the diaper tree someone told me about (this is a tree filled with dirty diapers that the renters around have just thrown up into the air instead of keeping them in their house), the cockroaches, a little bit of footage of cops beating up some minority kid, a strung out Fishtown teen shooting up behind Rocket Cat, etc.

5. I got irritated with how irritated I was getting.

6. That someone was walking exactly next to me on the sidewalk instead of passing by or slowing down.

7. The nonrush of the people to get to the blue line, even though it was still waiting.

8. How SEPTA doesn't appear to make any effort whatsoever to coordinate the orange and the blue line. I would guess that about a third of the time, I just miss, by mere seconds, like three seconds on average, the connecting train I need. Could there not be a signal that one line gives to the other letting them know that they have pulled into the station and passengers will be arriving with seconds? I think other cities manage to pull this off.

9. Walking up three flights of stairs. I choose to do this today. I can always take the elevator but I'm trying to be more active. Still, I didn't like doing it.

10. Running into the coffee shop guy who gets under my skin for no particular reason. I had another imaginary conversation where I was trying to explain this to someone. In my version, we had just discovered that the guy was found to be a deviant and a killer. All I had to say to my friend was, See? I just had a feeling about him.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Here We Go, Peeps

I luckily had an email exchange with Jess today and she reminded me that The Bachelor, Season IIVX is premiering tonight, in mere seconds, actually. We will join our old favorite Seattle dad, Jason, as he searches for true love and a TV fiance from among 25 beautiful bimbos who are all after some air time and his three year old son, Ty.

If you'll remember, of the two bachelors at the end of the show, I was totally convinced that Jason would win and not that other surfer who never stopped saying "dude" and asking for people to give him "knucks."

Predictions for this episode: (1). We will hear the name "Ty" approximately 23 times; (2). ditto the word "connection;" (3). Every other shot of Jason will show either his engorged nipples or his pecs or both. I am starting to recall that I thought this guy was too corny and sort of a wimp. (Minute 5: number of times he's said his son's name = 14). Now he's shirtless, has hard nipples, and is flexing his muscled arms. Did they tell him that he has do push-ups? New psychic prediction: the woman he ends up will have brown hair and a Southern accent, just like Dee-yawna.

It will take 60 minutes to get the women out of the limo.

Here is something new and boring--they're introducing all of the girls one by one in their hometowns. The Dallas cheerleader, the psycho dental hygienist, Miss Illinois, the mom (oh, they're all talking about how they want to be moms), the L.A. dog owner who makes life collages to get what she wants out of life, using Cosmopolitan magazine and cutting out words like "orgasmic," "vacation," and "nose job." the divorcee with a mysterious blemish /growth on her forehead, the widow with crazy as hell penciled in eyebrows and fake tits and a Southern accent, and she's also religious and perhaps nearly ready to qualify for the senior citizen discount at the movie theater (aside: all of these girls have huge white teeth and big boobs), another woman who appears to be just stopping by as whoever Joan Collins played in Dynasty, and there you have it.

Any black girls? Does not look like it. Not a one. Not even a slightly brown girl, unless you count all of the Hollywood Tans.

I kind of hate Jason and I sort of also don't like his kid which is really mean of me. Everyone loves a three year old, right? A three year old who's trained to give his daddy thumbs up when dad says, "I'm going out to meet the girl of my dreams, your newest mommy, and I will likely get laid a couple of times in the process." Close up of little boy as his thumb pops: "You go, daddy!" Chris Harrison is now having a faux earnest talk with Jason in front of a faux fireplace and a bunch of gigantic faux candles. (Current number of times Ty's name has been mentioned: 32. More than I first predicted). "Tonight, it's all about: is there a connection? Can these women have fun in this amazing fakery? I am so passionate and have been led by heartache and happiness and I just can't help but hope that one of these women will want to breast-feed Ty."

Okay, here we go.

Limo 1

Girl 1: Leopard print dress, hot body, Southern accent, Lauren, a teacher and she's lying and saying how it's her birthday. Didn't do anything two weird.

Girl 2: Kari, introduces herself as Kari from Kansas and Dorothy. Two hugs both awkward.

Girl 3: Black dress, too perky, Melissa, a sales representative, she's from Dallas, a cowgirl,

Girl 4: Awkward posture. She's forcing him to do a little salsa dancing and it's terrible. It is terrible. She has told him 15 things at once. Sharon? Is that her name?

Girl 5: Looks exactly like Barbie. Her name is Natalie. Total fake tan, she will not make it.

Limo 2

Girl 6: Is already touching her breasts and pulling up her dress. Natalie. Looks like she has a pencil in her hair.

Girl 7: Megan. She says, This is so weird. She is the older woman with the kid. Does he have to hug all of them twice.

Girl 8: Stacia, she's taller than him. She's stage struck and looks like a Flapper

Girl 9: Jackie, wearing another leopard dress. Jackie from Dallas. Another Dallas girl. They keep telling him that he's gorgeous. He's not THAT cute.

Girl 10: Lisa, possibly a little black or no, no, she's not. She's just really brown. She's from Idaho and brilliantly mentions the potatoes.

Limo 3. Why do they keep saying he's gorgeous? It doesn't make sense to meet someone for the first time and say, You look beautiful, as if you've seen them before and they didn't look quite as nice. You just met!

Girl 11: Stephanie. She may be a female impersonator.

Girl 12: Short red dress, really cute, long black hair. Her name is Treasure. She can't help her name, I guess. She's confident.

Girl 13: She's foreign, from Brazil. Named Raquel, very pretty, more poised than the others, forehead blindingly shiny.

Girl 14: Another blond. Shelby. "So excited to meet you!" She can barely keep her eyes open. Possibly drunk.

Girl 15: Black slinky dress, long hair, meet Nikki from Chicago. She asks about his son and says she's glad that he's the Bachelor and not some other guy.


Limo 4

Girl 16: Bright blue dress. This is Molly. She has a huge forehead. She brings up golfing and asks if she can see his swing. They all have this stupid shtick.

Girl 17: Erica, A bit small of a dress, she seems a little too boyish.

Girl 18: Nicole. Possibly slightly Asian, probably not. She brings up Ty and why she chose this orange dress b/c his son once casually mentioned that he likes the color orange or the taste of orange or something.

Girl 19: Renee. She's adorable. Tiny and has a tiny little dimple to match her total littleness.

Girl 20: Jillian. She was definitely a cheerleader. She wants to know what his favorite hot dog topping is and he has to tell her later. Not creative. That is not creative. Can't these women come up with something better? Like what's he going to say? Relish, ketchup, and/or mustard. Those are the choices.

Limo 5

Girl 21: She's totally giggly and her name is Dominque. She says she has butterflies. She can't stop laughing. She will last for awhile.

Girl 22: Most conservative dress. Almost reaches her ass. She's from Seattle and her name is Emily and I don't think he cares that she once caught a fish.

Girl 23: Julie, she shakes his hands like a man. She's an elementary school teacher and has 17 little kids who are probably missing her right now, she brags. Awwwwwwwww!

Girl 24: Broad shoulders, like a quarterback. Ann, too big for him again. I think he probably wants someone smaller who won't tackle him.

Girl 25: The weirdo. She's wearing fake crazy yellow teeth. Shannon. She's a dental hygienist, and he likes her sense of humor doesn't yet know she's insane.

Okay, so Jason must now give away the first impression rose. He will give it to the weirdo with the teeth. The girls shriek when he walks in. All are smiling at him with their teeth clenched. "I'm here to get to know all of you guys." Or you girls, if you want to be more specific. The flight attendant is getting totally drunk and doing shots and adjusting her dress and toasting Deeyawna.

Now he's talking to the dental hygienist who tells him she's spent a lot of time on his myspace page and then she lists his birthday, the name of his brother's girlfriend, and what he was wearing to bed the night before. Another girl tells him that she quit her job as a Spanish teacher to be on TV. Oh, god, another girl is reading a poem she wrote and it rhymes. TERRIBLE. I like this girl Nicole. Okay, Jillian is making hot dogs so that she can tell him what kind of man he is. He puts on mustard first, so he passes her test. She wanted the mustard man--a little naughty, and a little nice. I guess...Okay, now he has to give out the first impression rose to someone.

Okay, it's chaos, I can't even keep up with all of these interactions--the vision boards, the dancing on the patio, the Brazil girl who didn't get a chance to talk to him at all, the blond cheerleader in the shocking blue dress and she's talking too loud. The Brazilian lady is interrupting again, good for her. She tells him she believes in fate and that it might be fate for her to be there or might be that she auditioned. Here's the girl with the painted eyebrows. Oh, boy, I do not understand her eyebrows. Julie says that her cheekbones are all the way up in her head. She's confessing that her husband died in a plane crash and he tells her that she's an amazing person because here husband died. That is amazing. He gives his jacket away to this really pretty girl who teaches seventh grade. He's going to give her the first impression rose because it's her birthday. I guess I like her, she's adorable and I think her boobs are real, which is good. OH, NO, fake out! Instead, he gave her a cake with a tiny candle. Bummer.

Stupid twist: The girls in the room get to vote to kick out the person they don't like the most via voting. How can they even know each others names. Okay, this girl Jackie is really really drunk and talking about her five previous marriages. Lots of people are voting the one girl Melissa who is cute and Dallas cheerleader. He thinks there's a definite connection with this really drunk lady Megan because she has 16 month old baby that she has abandoned at her house so that she can be on show. Okay, he's giving the rose to Nikki, but I don't know why, maybe because she's sort of calm and wearing the sparkliest dress.

Uh-oh, time for the first rose ceremony, but first, they have to tell us who got who got voted off by the other women. Third most votes: Jackie. Second most votes: Erika. And receiving by far the most votes is...Megan with the 16 month old. But another twist! She is protected by their voting, she got a rose! Then she turned and said to all the ladies, "Ya'll are trashy c--ck whores and can suck it!" Not sure if that's exactly what she said, because they bleeped it. She's now crying. She is a 26 year old lacrosse coach who looks like a forty year old former flamenco dancer.

Chris Harrison is having another fake conversation with Jason in the decision room about how hard it is that he's going to have to send home ten of the women and how it's going to be so so difficult but necessary for the show. I have been noticing but not mentioning that Jason has this problem where he one of his eyes keeps shutting more than the other, as if he's a machine slightly on the fritz.

And now, the rose ceremony. Ten women will be sent home broken-hearted, i.e. sad that they didn't get more than 15 seconds of fame. First, he will tell them how he's so glad that they all got to come and that he had a blast but now he has to make a difficult and excruciating decision that isn't any easier on his side, except really, it is. And he says that he's the luckiest guy alive.

First rose goes to...Lauren. The girl whose birthday it is. I like her.

Second rose: Carrie. Not sure why, except maybe because she wrote him that stupid poem.
Third: Naomi who is still touching her boobs and did shots and has a stupid tattoo on her back.
Fourth: Natalie. Who? Barbie?
Fifth: Molly. High forehead.
Sixth: Raquel. Okay, good, but I don't think she'll stick around that long.
Seventh: Stephanie with the eyebrows. Too tall for him. Her eyebrows, I mean.
Eighth: Melissa. They wanted to vote her off because she's a cheerleader. They all say "absolutely" when they accept the rose.
Ninth: Jillian wit the hot dog trick.
Tenth: Shannon, the dental hygienist who needs a retainer.
11th: Lisa. Again, who?
12th: Sharon who quit her job to be on TV. She's very formal.
Final rose: Hmm...Will it be the deer in headlights girl or the teacher Julie likes? Erika, who is like a guy. He is sending home a lot of the really pretty and nice girls. Weird.

Going home: Stacia, the nice teacher. Vision board girl, Renee. Jackie, the drunk. Is that it? Did I miss someone? I guess they didn't interview the others who were sent home? Okay, that's it bitches. More next week.