The Most Seriously Difficult Rose Ceremony TO DATE

Missed last week and so must work even harder to prove I am not a slacker and can, in fact, commit to watching one bad TV show a week. I'm not too worried about missing an episode--they'll surely give us a five minute run down of all of the pertinent happenings before beginning the show. In truth, each two hour episode could easily be shrunken to five minutes if you take out of the stupid commentary and long pauses for dramatic effect. My main question is whether Deeyawna will show up this time or if they're saving that for mid season?

Recap: "Previously, on the Daddy Bachelor...Handsome single dad without a shirt has come to LA for true love..." Cut to: Stephanie and little girl running together everywhere. That poor little girl. Jason without his shirt taking their clothes off for some kind of bodice fitting thing. Melissa admits that she had a breast reduction. Nikki says that she's a perfectionist. Jillian jumps on the bed with him. Megan wears an aqua necklace. Natalie gets to go into a helicopter, but she has to go home. At the rose ceremony, Megan talks about how the girls are talking with trash on her. Carrie and Erika go home. Erika is quite the little lady, saying, "This is bullshit, mo-fo!"

And now the show begins in earnest with nine ladies left and Chris Harrison wearing a shirt from Urban Outfitters that's too young for him. He has lost a total of 30 pounds for this season or else he has cancer and I feel bad then. The women are told that they have 30 minutes to prepare a love song to sing for Jason in order to get a private date with him. Stephanie's breasts are composing an opera. Shannon can't think of anything that rhymes with "hygientist." Lauren amidst that she will write the best song in the world and it will be on the radio. Nikki starts crying because she doesn't know how to read or write and so can't perform the song. She's not created like that, she says. Maybe she should do an interpretive dance of her feelings. Is she talking to herself or the camera. She says she would rather jump out of plane or have partial lobotomy than have to sing for Jason.

Here comes Jason. Huh. He's wearing a matching Urban Outfitters shirt. Maybe he and Chris will end up together? Let's see some man love. Molly volunteers to go first with the song. This is horrible....Oh, dear God. He's fake laughing. They are all fake laughing. Shannon is doing a rap song using the rapper name "Shay-nay-na" (I like her for that). Some girl in boots, some other girl singing. Oh, Christ, Stephanie is breaking glass with her opera song. Lauren says that everybody's song sucks, because she seriously wrote a full out song. "Lying here, all alone, wondering if I should go home..." She clearly brought her Ashley Simpson CD with her. Nikki is about to pass out. Lauren pretends that it was awful. Just awful!! Nikki is trying not to vomit on herself. She sings a song that she would like to sing to her baby someday. She actually has a lovely voice. Now Lauren is pissed because she did not win him over. It's Molly. Molly and her scarf will go on a one on one date with Jason to sleep in a cheap tent. PBS must be running out of money.

Damn, you guys, we're only 12 minutes into the show.

Molly's date box has arrived. Scream! All the girls are hoping she's going to a rodeo or like an alligator wrestling competition or a Great White shark encounter or like anywhere that doesn't allow them to be alone, preferably something that might end in her death. Sorry, dudes, they're going to sleep in a Walmart tent for 12 hours. Will she have sex with him? Probably, but they never tell. They leave the house holding hands. Stephanie's eyebrows don't like it one bit. Megan deals with it by chugging a fishbowl of wine.

They always do this. They always lounge on pillows. Does anyone ever do this in real life? Is she sweating? Yes. He's grilling her about her intentions. He finds her eyes to be "star-gazing amazing." A direct quote. Back at the house, the date box arrives. I love how Shannon doesn't mind that she looks like shit on camera. She's always just in her pajamas with no make up on. Jillian, Lauren, a bunch of others get to go on the group date. Nikki is a flipping basket case. She's crying because she gets to go on a two on one date.

Jason and Molly sit by the fire, making smores and drinking cheap wine. She manages to keep her lipstick on throughout. She's a phony. She's admitting how she's having the time of her life and how she sees herself with someone just like him, almost exactly like him, but perhaps not quite him...Uh...Jason gives her a rose, with the caveat that she at least touch him "down there" in the tent. She will most definitely. He says, I've had a great night and I don't want it to end, so will you camp with me and you know, hang out, and like, have you ever heard of a pee-pee? (That's daddy speak). He's telling her that she has super soft skin. Shannon is the only one in the house waiting up. She should not bother. If she had only watched the ten previews, she would know that Molly stays the night.

Morning dawns and Molly is on cloud nine. He thanks her for sleeping with him. They kiss loudly. She has no regrets, she says. Lauren hugs her, but she's only trying to get close to her to see if she smells of Jason. Molly admits that she didn't get much sleep and neither did Jason. Don't these girls have any class? Like why would you say that knowing it's going to piss everyone else off?

Group date. Melissa admits that she is stumped by what the date will be because the date card just said that they're going to play doctor. By the way, Melissa is the one who ends up with Jason--some geek uncovered this fact by freeze framing the previews of the season finale. OMIGOD!! They're on the set of General Hospital. Is GH still on? I thought they stopped airing that when I graduated high school. Nice product placement for GH, PBS. We get to meet two of the dorky actors from the show. The girls go to make up and prepare to perform a part with Jason. Shannon is playing herself, a dental hygienist. Shannon and Jason kiss on set as part of rehearsal and she's so excited. That's the only time she will ever kiss him. She says that she now feels a connection. The other girls admit that they want to suck face with him on the set of a pretend hospital on a fake reality show. This thing has layers, people. Megan gets to act like Joan Collins for real. The pressure mounts!

It's only 8:36. Do you know where your brain is? Oh, hey, look! A commercial for General Hospital. Smooth programming, PBS.

Back on the set, Jason admits he's a horrible actor. We know, because you can't even fake a smile. And he's also very scruffy faced. Naomi is also admitting that she hopes this show leads to a real acting job in a soft corn porno if nothing else. She gets to kiss Jason 500 times while wearing a maid's outfit. Now Jillian is on set, wearing a terrible blond wig. He presents her with an engagement ring. She's adorable. He says, You know I love you. They kiss. She loves it! This is the dumbest premise I have ever seen. Back at the house, Eyebrows and Crybaby are laying out by the pool. Crybaby has huge boobs. Oh, right, I forgot that she has only been with one guy her entire life. Only ever kissed one guy in her life. She's crying again because she just wants to be married and have a kid already, she says through her slightly virginal tears.

Megan/Joan Collins gets to play the seductress. How uncanny. He says, I love you. She jumps on him and starts seriously making out with him. She is smooshing his face and jamming her tongue down his throat. Melissa is getting a lot of screen time to talk about how she's surprised that she's falling for him (this is good footage for the end of the show or the recap episode after they become engaged for two months before breaking up).

After the stupid faux television scenes, the girls get to go to this lame rooftop cocktail party ("wrap party") at Holiday Inn, Los Angeles. Melissa is dressed as if she were going to the beach. The girls are all pouting. Naomi has gone off to sit by herself. He goes over to make sure she's okay. He takes her downstairs (?) to talk. She admits to him that she doesn't like it when he's making out with many other girls right in front of her. She says that she knows that he gets her (what's there to get about her?). He says that he will always want the best for her, even if it's not with him at all. That's basically what he just told her. Melissa is seriously clad in work out shorts. Shannon may or may not be wearing make up on the date. She's really cute, but she's over the top. Mega is talking about how everyone is crying and how it's stupid and she doesn't understand these things called emotions. Jason gives her a friendly hug. She pouts. She wants him to kiss her. He won't do it. He tells her that she's such a great person and he just hugs her again and again. Now he's going to go off with Lauren and she's going to tell him he better pick her or she's going to be pissed (this was in the previews). Lauren is explaining how she likes to boss people around and saying that maybe he likes that. Maybe he wants to be dominated. She'll definitely get an offer for soft core porn. She's telling him how she needs to get a rose, and how she only wants him to give it to her if he wants to give it to her, but what's she's implying is that he's a total dick if he doesn't pick her because she's so awesome.

(Aside, I don't like it when they use puppies to sell things like wet wipes for adults behinds. This was the commercial that was just on).

He pulls Melissa aside and she's crying because she thought they were supposed to go jogging (hence the outfit). She's telling him that today proved to her that she really does care about him, and that she thinks she likes him more than she thought she did. He says that he likes it and he kisses her even though she has snot coming out of her nose. Thumb to chin!! I like her lots. He says, All I can say right now is don't be scared. Shannon has decided to step her game up, for the 100th time. She admits that it's been so difficult. She's crying and she says that he won't let him go, she's putting her heart on her shoulder. Not on her sleeve? She says she wants to meet Ty. She's even practicing lactating. She promises Ty a lifetime of free dental care. He thinks of her like a little sister. She's whining and saying over and over again how he has to, has to keep her. She blows her nose on a napkin. That's lovely. She picks her nose in front of him. She leans forward and kisses him. He doesn't really reciprocate. At all. At least she's smart enough to realize that this is not a good sign.

Back at the house, the date card arrives. The dreaded two on one card! One of them will have to go home at the end of the date. It should be Eyebrows. Well, it should be both of them.

He gives the rose out tonight to Naomi for being herself and not someone else (?). It's funny how half the girls are really tough and half the girls are full of tears.

Up next, it is the most unromantic awkward date yet! The two girls get to go dancing with Jason while wearing borrowed dresses from the sale bridesmaid rack.

Time: 9:08 p.m.

Two ugly dresses are delivered to the front door and they are going to a fairy tale castle or somewhere (hopefully not back to the Mickey Mouse studio). Stephanie may have fake breasts. They all do, except for Melissa who had a breast reduction, to Jason's total disbelief. He says that he likes both of these girls and one of these girls could be the girl of his dream and his wife.

There's Megan with a glass of wine stuck to her upper lip.

They drive off in a Rolls Royce driven by someone invisible. Jason's concerned that Nikki just stays in the box, and he doesn't know if she can ever get out of the box (she can't). As for Stephanie, he's just not sure there's a romantic connection and he's not sure if she's as totally flaky as she seems. They pull up to a generic scene with white lights everywhere. He wants to make sure the girls have a good time. They will be learning ballroom dancing. Good idea. Good idea to have an activity where there will always be one person feeling completely left out. Nikki says she needs weeks or months to prepare! But then she lies through her teeth to him and says that she's not worried about screwing up. She won't stop giggling and acting like an idiot and looking at her feet. Stephanie's eyes are riveted to the pair of them. Stephanie will rock this because she was a ballet dancer. She cuts in and she does not look at her feet. Nikki will probably start crying. The problem is that Stephanie's nearly a foot taller than Jason. You know what might be helpful? If they actually had music to waltz to.

What other awkward things will they do? Oh, okay, they are going to sit down together and have a terrible dinner. He asks them if they would be able to move to Seattle if it works out. Nikki says that she's totally single and doesn't have a baby and she's not tied down to some kid and so she's free to go wherever, whenever, however. She confesses that she hasn't been on any dates since she dated her high school sweetheart for 11 years in a row and then he dumped her one day. He's figuring out that she has only slept with one person in her entire life. That might freak him out. Stephanie is kicking herself for recommending to Nikki that she tell him that. Of course, Stephanie has conversations with him that are filled with cliches, I love that this door opened, and that I followed my heart and that the world is an oyster, and I feel like this magical desire to get to know you better and to take this little light of mine, and just let it shine because we've got the whole world in our hands. I have no idea who he's going to pick. I think probably Nikki because Stephanie is a hippie phony. Oh, he's sending Nikki home. Crazy. Stephanie's being nice about it--doesn't squeal or jump up and down like some of the other girls might. Jason says that it's really hard to send her home because she's one of the sweetest people here. He tells her she should never ever change. They are all talking like they're verbally signing each other's yearbooks for eternity. Meanwhile, she's going to lose her shit in the back of the limo. She doesn't know how much smarter or prettier she could get, she says. She knows she could've been really really good for Jason and Ty, but maybe someone will be better for him. They need to cut this part of the show short. Jason must return to Stephanie. He still doesn't want to even kiss Stephanie. She says that she wants to kiss him and he does not do anything about it. Oh, okay, they do finally kiss and it's the most boring kiss ever. What makes a good kiss? We will discuss this later. (By the way, do you know who is the smooshiest? Emma Carol.She just jumped up on the couch next to me and I swear she is filled with feathers and cotton balls).

The girls discuss how hard it is for all of them because it did become real. Shannon is wearing a moo-moo. Lauren is the prettiest but she is also a total itch-bay. He reminds them that tonight is a party!! I like Jillian, but again, she's like a buddy to him. One of one time with Jillian. He says, You are the backbone of this group. She tells him that she likes to call him dude in front of the girls and Jason to his face. The other girls say that they can't see them together. Actually, it's Megan who says this, even though she's very similar to Jillian. Melissa goes out to sit with Jason and says that she's sorry that she cried the other night. She tells them that she notices the little things about him, like the freckle near his eye and the hole he has his in his ear from his gay sadomasochistic period with Chris. Again with the whole hand covering the side of her face when they're kissing.

Megan realizes that she needs to take some time with him. She does have that sexy smokey voice, but she is really a Joan Collins look-a-like. Though she says, "OMG, am I going to be there at the final rose ceremony." She actually said, "O-M-G." I can't believe this woman is 25. She's more like 35. She is sort of adorable, but she will never make it. I wish he would stop with that stupid fake smile.

Lauren is happy that she gets to be the blunt one. He doesn't appreciate her attitude at all, but she doesn't notice. Jason pulls her aside and she says, Kiss me now, but not in a sexy way, more like in a way that you might say to a kid, GET in the house right now! It's a very formulaic kiss.

The Rose Ceremony

Well, we already know from the previews that this will be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever because Jason cannot make a decision. Whatever. There's at least five girls he doesn't even like. Shannon, for one. He's not sending her home because he's scared she will jump out of the limo as it's driving away and drag herself back, bleeding, but still wearing a mouth guard, to the party. Still, we are thankfully nearing the end with only two more hours to go!

Chris says, It's been an emotional week. I know. I understand, but Jason understands and appreciates what you are going through. Naomi, Stephanie, Molly, you already have the roses so you can tell the other girls to suck it. Only three roses to give out and then two of you will go home. Now Jason comes out and says some more platitudes.

First rose goes to: Melissa, I'm sure. I'm right.
Second rose: Jillian. Wow, really? Okay, I like her.
Third and final rose will not be given out. Right? Lauren, Shannon, and Megan are left. He doesn't really like any of them. Forty thousand seconds pass. He says that he can't do this. Oh, he's going to send all three of them home. I get it! Awesome!! Why wouldn't he just keep them along for awhile more. They're all going home. Interesting twist. The other girls who have roses are totally preening.

Going home: All three. Shannon is surprisingly holding it together. Unbelievable. She is smiling and she says she's going to go home and use her electric toothbrush and give her puppy French kisses. She said that. I like her even more. Megan is shocked and surprised and really really confused and sad. She said, It's pathetic how much I don't want to go home right now.

Next week: They get to meet Ty finally. They will be judged on their ability to bond with his son. There will be airplanes, a canceled date, a call in radio show, and a bunch more tears. Can't wait!!