Here We Go, Peeps

I luckily had an email exchange with Jess today and she reminded me that The Bachelor, Season IIVX is premiering tonight, in mere seconds, actually. We will join our old favorite Seattle dad, Jason, as he searches for true love and a TV fiance from among 25 beautiful bimbos who are all after some air time and his three year old son, Ty.

If you'll remember, of the two bachelors at the end of the show, I was totally convinced that Jason would win and not that other surfer who never stopped saying "dude" and asking for people to give him "knucks."

Predictions for this episode: (1). We will hear the name "Ty" approximately 23 times; (2). ditto the word "connection;" (3). Every other shot of Jason will show either his engorged nipples or his pecs or both. I am starting to recall that I thought this guy was too corny and sort of a wimp. (Minute 5: number of times he's said his son's name = 14). Now he's shirtless, has hard nipples, and is flexing his muscled arms. Did they tell him that he has do push-ups? New psychic prediction: the woman he ends up will have brown hair and a Southern accent, just like Dee-yawna.

It will take 60 minutes to get the women out of the limo.

Here is something new and boring--they're introducing all of the girls one by one in their hometowns. The Dallas cheerleader, the psycho dental hygienist, Miss Illinois, the mom (oh, they're all talking about how they want to be moms), the L.A. dog owner who makes life collages to get what she wants out of life, using Cosmopolitan magazine and cutting out words like "orgasmic," "vacation," and "nose job." the divorcee with a mysterious blemish /growth on her forehead, the widow with crazy as hell penciled in eyebrows and fake tits and a Southern accent, and she's also religious and perhaps nearly ready to qualify for the senior citizen discount at the movie theater (aside: all of these girls have huge white teeth and big boobs), another woman who appears to be just stopping by as whoever Joan Collins played in Dynasty, and there you have it.

Any black girls? Does not look like it. Not a one. Not even a slightly brown girl, unless you count all of the Hollywood Tans.

I kind of hate Jason and I sort of also don't like his kid which is really mean of me. Everyone loves a three year old, right? A three year old who's trained to give his daddy thumbs up when dad says, "I'm going out to meet the girl of my dreams, your newest mommy, and I will likely get laid a couple of times in the process." Close up of little boy as his thumb pops: "You go, daddy!" Chris Harrison is now having a faux earnest talk with Jason in front of a faux fireplace and a bunch of gigantic faux candles. (Current number of times Ty's name has been mentioned: 32. More than I first predicted). "Tonight, it's all about: is there a connection? Can these women have fun in this amazing fakery? I am so passionate and have been led by heartache and happiness and I just can't help but hope that one of these women will want to breast-feed Ty."

Okay, here we go.

Limo 1

Girl 1: Leopard print dress, hot body, Southern accent, Lauren, a teacher and she's lying and saying how it's her birthday. Didn't do anything two weird.

Girl 2: Kari, introduces herself as Kari from Kansas and Dorothy. Two hugs both awkward.

Girl 3: Black dress, too perky, Melissa, a sales representative, she's from Dallas, a cowgirl,

Girl 4: Awkward posture. She's forcing him to do a little salsa dancing and it's terrible. It is terrible. She has told him 15 things at once. Sharon? Is that her name?

Girl 5: Looks exactly like Barbie. Her name is Natalie. Total fake tan, she will not make it.

Limo 2

Girl 6: Is already touching her breasts and pulling up her dress. Natalie. Looks like she has a pencil in her hair.

Girl 7: Megan. She says, This is so weird. She is the older woman with the kid. Does he have to hug all of them twice.

Girl 8: Stacia, she's taller than him. She's stage struck and looks like a Flapper

Girl 9: Jackie, wearing another leopard dress. Jackie from Dallas. Another Dallas girl. They keep telling him that he's gorgeous. He's not THAT cute.

Girl 10: Lisa, possibly a little black or no, no, she's not. She's just really brown. She's from Idaho and brilliantly mentions the potatoes.

Limo 3. Why do they keep saying he's gorgeous? It doesn't make sense to meet someone for the first time and say, You look beautiful, as if you've seen them before and they didn't look quite as nice. You just met!

Girl 11: Stephanie. She may be a female impersonator.

Girl 12: Short red dress, really cute, long black hair. Her name is Treasure. She can't help her name, I guess. She's confident.

Girl 13: She's foreign, from Brazil. Named Raquel, very pretty, more poised than the others, forehead blindingly shiny.

Girl 14: Another blond. Shelby. "So excited to meet you!" She can barely keep her eyes open. Possibly drunk.

Girl 15: Black slinky dress, long hair, meet Nikki from Chicago. She asks about his son and says she's glad that he's the Bachelor and not some other guy.


Limo 4

Girl 16: Bright blue dress. This is Molly. She has a huge forehead. She brings up golfing and asks if she can see his swing. They all have this stupid shtick.

Girl 17: Erica, A bit small of a dress, she seems a little too boyish.

Girl 18: Nicole. Possibly slightly Asian, probably not. She brings up Ty and why she chose this orange dress b/c his son once casually mentioned that he likes the color orange or the taste of orange or something.

Girl 19: Renee. She's adorable. Tiny and has a tiny little dimple to match her total littleness.

Girl 20: Jillian. She was definitely a cheerleader. She wants to know what his favorite hot dog topping is and he has to tell her later. Not creative. That is not creative. Can't these women come up with something better? Like what's he going to say? Relish, ketchup, and/or mustard. Those are the choices.

Limo 5

Girl 21: She's totally giggly and her name is Dominque. She says she has butterflies. She can't stop laughing. She will last for awhile.

Girl 22: Most conservative dress. Almost reaches her ass. She's from Seattle and her name is Emily and I don't think he cares that she once caught a fish.

Girl 23: Julie, she shakes his hands like a man. She's an elementary school teacher and has 17 little kids who are probably missing her right now, she brags. Awwwwwwwww!

Girl 24: Broad shoulders, like a quarterback. Ann, too big for him again. I think he probably wants someone smaller who won't tackle him.

Girl 25: The weirdo. She's wearing fake crazy yellow teeth. Shannon. She's a dental hygienist, and he likes her sense of humor doesn't yet know she's insane.

Okay, so Jason must now give away the first impression rose. He will give it to the weirdo with the teeth. The girls shriek when he walks in. All are smiling at him with their teeth clenched. "I'm here to get to know all of you guys." Or you girls, if you want to be more specific. The flight attendant is getting totally drunk and doing shots and adjusting her dress and toasting Deeyawna.

Now he's talking to the dental hygienist who tells him she's spent a lot of time on his myspace page and then she lists his birthday, the name of his brother's girlfriend, and what he was wearing to bed the night before. Another girl tells him that she quit her job as a Spanish teacher to be on TV. Oh, god, another girl is reading a poem she wrote and it rhymes. TERRIBLE. I like this girl Nicole. Okay, Jillian is making hot dogs so that she can tell him what kind of man he is. He puts on mustard first, so he passes her test. She wanted the mustard man--a little naughty, and a little nice. I guess...Okay, now he has to give out the first impression rose to someone.

Okay, it's chaos, I can't even keep up with all of these interactions--the vision boards, the dancing on the patio, the Brazil girl who didn't get a chance to talk to him at all, the blond cheerleader in the shocking blue dress and she's talking too loud. The Brazilian lady is interrupting again, good for her. She tells him she believes in fate and that it might be fate for her to be there or might be that she auditioned. Here's the girl with the painted eyebrows. Oh, boy, I do not understand her eyebrows. Julie says that her cheekbones are all the way up in her head. She's confessing that her husband died in a plane crash and he tells her that she's an amazing person because here husband died. That is amazing. He gives his jacket away to this really pretty girl who teaches seventh grade. He's going to give her the first impression rose because it's her birthday. I guess I like her, she's adorable and I think her boobs are real, which is good. OH, NO, fake out! Instead, he gave her a cake with a tiny candle. Bummer.

Stupid twist: The girls in the room get to vote to kick out the person they don't like the most via voting. How can they even know each others names. Okay, this girl Jackie is really really drunk and talking about her five previous marriages. Lots of people are voting the one girl Melissa who is cute and Dallas cheerleader. He thinks there's a definite connection with this really drunk lady Megan because she has 16 month old baby that she has abandoned at her house so that she can be on show. Okay, he's giving the rose to Nikki, but I don't know why, maybe because she's sort of calm and wearing the sparkliest dress.

Uh-oh, time for the first rose ceremony, but first, they have to tell us who got who got voted off by the other women. Third most votes: Jackie. Second most votes: Erika. And receiving by far the most votes is...Megan with the 16 month old. But another twist! She is protected by their voting, she got a rose! Then she turned and said to all the ladies, "Ya'll are trashy c--ck whores and can suck it!" Not sure if that's exactly what she said, because they bleeped it. She's now crying. She is a 26 year old lacrosse coach who looks like a forty year old former flamenco dancer.

Chris Harrison is having another fake conversation with Jason in the decision room about how hard it is that he's going to have to send home ten of the women and how it's going to be so so difficult but necessary for the show. I have been noticing but not mentioning that Jason has this problem where he one of his eyes keeps shutting more than the other, as if he's a machine slightly on the fritz.

And now, the rose ceremony. Ten women will be sent home broken-hearted, i.e. sad that they didn't get more than 15 seconds of fame. First, he will tell them how he's so glad that they all got to come and that he had a blast but now he has to make a difficult and excruciating decision that isn't any easier on his side, except really, it is. And he says that he's the luckiest guy alive.

First rose goes to...Lauren. The girl whose birthday it is. I like her.

Second rose: Carrie. Not sure why, except maybe because she wrote him that stupid poem.
Third: Naomi who is still touching her boobs and did shots and has a stupid tattoo on her back.
Fourth: Natalie. Who? Barbie?
Fifth: Molly. High forehead.
Sixth: Raquel. Okay, good, but I don't think she'll stick around that long.
Seventh: Stephanie with the eyebrows. Too tall for him. Her eyebrows, I mean.
Eighth: Melissa. They wanted to vote her off because she's a cheerleader. They all say "absolutely" when they accept the rose.
Ninth: Jillian wit the hot dog trick.
Tenth: Shannon, the dental hygienist who needs a retainer.
11th: Lisa. Again, who?
12th: Sharon who quit her job to be on TV. She's very formal.
Final rose: Hmm...Will it be the deer in headlights girl or the teacher Julie likes? Erika, who is like a guy. He is sending home a lot of the really pretty and nice girls. Weird.

Going home: Stacia, the nice teacher. Vision board girl, Renee. Jackie, the drunk. Is that it? Did I miss someone? I guess they didn't interview the others who were sent home? Okay, that's it bitches. More next week.


Anonymous said…
aimee! how are you? i miss you.
i love the bachelor recaps. excellent... i also kind of hate this bachelor- he's lame.
plus, what kind of "loving father" would parade his kid out on national TV and have him live in the bachelor house? creepy.
Aimee said…
I totally agree! I think it's that they're running out of ways to cast the Bachelor--so, like, single dad is the newest way to do it. I keep wondering what his ex-wife must be thinking as she's watching this.

Miss you too! Best to Jim.