Monday, February 23, 2015

Three Damsels Left and Only One Fertility Nurse Who Really Matters

I mean, that's my guess. Baby voice can make it work wherever she happens to lives as we discussed in last week's post (see: animal husbandry). Becca, nee Doll Teeth, however, may not be able to transition (though I forget her job) and Kaitlan is too urban to be a farm girl. Here are the questions of the night--will he send the virgin home? Will a monkey in Bali poop on Chris' shirt, with hilarity ensuing? Will they confront the poverty of this country or just bask in its ethnicity because of how colorful it is? Chris contemplates the sunset while sitting on a rock, as in the distance, a poor man pulls rice with a basket on his back.

Kaitlan arrives first and wraps her legs around him because she's tiny. Oh, okay, yes, they will be exploiting the culture fully--they are now carrying their own baskets on their heads and Chris wears a turban. It is possible that Kaitlan has bad skin covered by three layers of foundation? Her face seems to be melting off. A bit.

A monkey appears, as friendly as the crazy squirrels
on Penn's campus. More erupt from the trees, leaping on Chris' back and we all begin to wonder if this is foreshadowing for his inevitable heroin addiction later in life. They go to dinner and Kaitlan's face again looks weird--a little yellow, as though she may have malaria. I mean, she is still totally beautiful though. Chris tells her not to worry and he hands her the fantasy suite card. Kaitlan says, "I can't imagine saying no to that." Chris says that they both deserve it. I think she doesn't really like him all that much and that's the main problem. They move into the FS and find a bathtub full of roses. Unfortunately, the corpse of the native person who had to pluck the roses is at the bottom of it, but they probably won't actually use it anyway. Kaitlan admits that she has fallen in love with Chris and Chris pretends to believe her. They kiss. A monkey screeches in the background.

What is this with the women jumping on Chris and wrapping their legs around him in a koala-like embrace? If I did that to Dan, he would fall over and I would crack a tooth. Whitley and Chris go on a pirate ship called the Plaintain. Please do not let them do the Titanic thing on the prow or bow or whatever it's called. "Journey, the journey..." Whitley has her own addiction--to helium.  I do like her better with her hair flat--not so bouffanty in this particular episode. At dinner, she wears a lime colored dress from Forever 21 and works very hard to maintain eye contact. Someone needs to get a fan for Chris. He wants to know if Whitley would like to live in a town with 400 people. She gives him this run around about how her career is very important to her and how she worked really hard to get where she is, but how she would leave it all in a second to have his babies. That is exactly what she said IN A NUTSHELL (which is a phrase I notice that people overuse these days). They decide of course to go into the fantasy suite and Whitley covertly brings the turkey baster with her in case she gets sent home.

Next is Becca, the virgin. They consult some local fortune tellers who tell them to have sex. This is ironic for Becca. She is saving herself for marriage (read: she will only do anal).  How old is she? She so, so doesn't look real. Is her mom a dentist? Is she part zombie?A Christian? Brainwashed? Made of wax? Chris has this way of looking at someone when she's talking with his chin up, kind of quivering. Beccas says that she would have to really really have to be sure she's in love before she would think of moving to Iowa. She barely moves her mouth when she talks as if she's practicing ventriloquism. Becca gets a handwritten note from Chris the host on lined notebook paper written in the penmanship of a fourth grader. Next time, they should choose a climate
 that's not 110 degrees. They take a tour of the fantasy suite and she goes, "Here's to falling in love in the most unexpected way!" Whatever that means, I guess they're toasting to falling in love on a TV program? She launches into a long preamble as she tries to figure out how to tell Chris about the status of her hymen, She finally says that she's a virgin. He sighs. He doesn't know how to respond. He says, "I respect that. I am surprised." He says that he's really more interested in figuring out how their relationship is going to work. But he won't be able to figure out how it works in bed until he puts a ring on her finger.

The next morning, Chris stands gazing off into horizon wearing a tight light blue T-shirt and Becca strolls bra-less down the beach in a maxi dress. Chris says that he sees all three of these girls as potential mates. He does use the term "girls" which applies mostly to Becca. Becca draws a picture of penis entering a heart in the sand. Did he take her virginity last night, is that why he's almost, not really crying? Dan says, "Turns out he's a virgin too."  Since it's so hard for Chris to choose one woman, Dan suggests that maybe they should just morph this show into that one about the guy with five wives.

Half an hour left, and how will they stretch this out? And why are the Chris' dressed identically ibn white warriors with tablecloths tied as sashes around their waists? The women are arranged by size, tallest to shortest, including Whitley's top knot. The women are dressed in traditional Bali clothes in bright colors like so much ornamentation in varying shades of lipstick. He pulls Becca aside and sits on the dirty steps despite his white pants. He looks like he's in scrubs. They both claim to be falling in love with one another, and yet they seems robotic. I wonder how many times they have to cut the scene to towel off Chris? Are they not allowed to call each other on the phone? Okay, she is coming back, so he will keep her and that means that one of the other two will have to go home and it's probably Kaitlan. She's too cool for him.

First rose goes to Whitley...That means Kaitlin is going home. Chris should follow his heart in
realizing that Becca won't want to be with him.

Music swells. He picks Becca. Kaitlin shakes her head in dismay. He made a mistake. He does go for blonds. He tells Kaitlin that he's so sorry. She lets him hug her while she stands there woodenly and asks, "What happened?" Kaitlin is confused and upset but still beautiful. A rooster crows. She walks away with him. This is a horrid show. I mean, if any of this is real. She gets into the van and puts her sear belt on right away, because safety first. I have to keep in perspective that they really don't know each other all that well.

Chris seems torn or maybe just overheated.

Next week is The Bachelor: The Women Tell All. I don't like that episode because of the recaps of the recaps, but I will tune in anyway.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Where is Glitter Girl?

I confess that I could not fathom writing through three hours of The Bachelor last night and so did not find out what happened on the Chris Tell All show or the episode that followed, though I can surmise that it went something like this: recap, recap, bland banter with the host, softball questions, recap, montage of Kayla acting crazy, no real discussion of PTSD or mental illness or whatever else was going on with her, Chris sweating, recap, and previews of the upcoming show.

Here is a photo of some folks who live in Arlington, Iowa, where Chris is from. They are not actors.

Okay, I just read some bloggers and I guess Sparkly Britt is still on the show, though Chris may be catching on to the fact that she might not to want to wait tables at the non-existent local diner, hoping to get discovered when maybe Steven Speildberg drives by scouting a location for his next sci fi extravaganza.

Are they still in Iowa or are they in Hollywood? Wait, he has a loft in--what? Soho? He takes Britkaylee to his loft that there is no way he decorated. It has an Aztec/throw pillow theme.  She tells him that her last relationship failed because she couldn't see the guy as her husband and the father of her children who must all have perfectly straight teeth. She doesn't open her mouth all that wide when she talks. She is also a virgin and I don't think she has confessed that to him yet. Why is there a no-smoking sign in his loft?

Back to the women.The former Playboy model/cosmetic developer wears athletic socks up to her knees.

Britt lets the girls know that she might leave before the rose ceremony because she didn't get the rose last time, but she will definitely maybe leave if she feels like it. I wish Whitley would stop talking in a baby voice. Why must the girls always be shown as turning on each other? Isn't there anyone who ever goes, "I don't care that she seems desperate and weird. She's fine. I would do the same." Chris spanks Britt verbally, but not in a 50 Shades way. I can't tell if he's asking her to leave or what. Is she wearing a bubble skirt circa the 1990s? It seems as if Britt might be fake crying a little bit, forcing it out and making her eyeliner run so she looks even more glamorous!

If she left, why is he still short one rose? He gives one to baby talk and the girl with the doll teeth and so Carly is going home so that Jade can confess her Playboy days. Carly will have to go back to singing on the cruise ship. She's like one of those gals who is always best friends with the hot guy but never ends up dating him.

First hometown date is with Becca in Louisiana. Becca wears what might be a shirt and might be a scarf and might be a tank top. A "scartanki."Everyone in Becca's family is blond and likes to say "ya'all."The picture below has nothing to do with the story, but it's what came up when I Googled "bare shoulders" and I kind of love it.
Becca's mom says that if Chris messes with their daughter, she will take him out bad and shoot him with a shotgun, ya'all. Everyone in her family is also obsessed with Becca's virginity. The sister just assumes that Becca wouldn't give it up for Chris.

Next, Chris comes to visit Whitley in Chicago and she greets him in the same way you would greet a dog like, "Here, boy!" and slapping her knees. She says, "What do you say we go make a baby??" (A pun on her job). Chris goes, "I really can't wait to go look inside her...job." That is kind of cool how they inject the sperm into the egg with a sewing needle. Chris says," Whitley makes babies and I make corn." I guarantee that Whitley has frozen 25 of her eggs in case it doesn't work out with Chris.Oh, wait, maybe she will be having his baby because she is capturing his sperm in a cup. Unfortunately, Jade is on the cover of one of the available Playboys.  Oh, ha ha, she is telling him doesn't really have to jerk off in a plastic vial. Hilarious!

Here is how many kids a single sperm can father: 

Whitley's dad was also a sperm donor, unfortunately, and so she was raised by a single mom. She has her Uncle Baldwin hang out instead. He's a big drinker, I think. Whitley's sister is skeptical, but they hate each other. She is pointing out that the only sperm Whitley will be able to harvest is for the farm animals. She can have a career in animal husbandry. Where is the mom? Oh, of course she has a little white dog who also talks with a baby voice. Whitley tells him that she has fallen in love with him 100% and she is happy to deal with sheep penises for the rest of her life if it means they can be together.

Date with adorable Kaitlyn and her tattooed elbows. I like her the best, but I do not think they make a good couple. She is way to cool for him. Look at that little diamond nose ring! Guess what? Chris cannot rap. They high five anyway. He says that he thinks Kaitlyn would make life fun. She didn't really dress up for the date as she is wearing a patterned blouse and black shorts. She has step parents and they all seem to get along fine. There is a fire in the middle of the dinner table. Kaitlyn's mom is pretty though may be wearing fake eyelashes and she does have bangs at age 62. Don't they have any pets? They don't have great chemistry. She takes him out to a misspelled billboard that reads "Kaitlyn Heart Chris."

Hometown date in Nebraska where Jade used to live, though she has relocated to California. Again, like Britt, will she be happy waiting to be discovered at the Walgreens perfume counter? Because there is no Walgreens in Arlington. How weird that her two teenage brothers have seen her in a girlie magazine. The brother describes his sister as a wild Mustang and a free spirit. This worries Chris. I do not think he will be thrilled to see
her as a centerfold. I think that will be the kiss off of death. She's been acting all shy and sweet when really, she's a firecracker! She may have bad skin. I mean, she's still beautiful. She's mumbling, and what a long preamble. Jesus. She tells him and he can't control his facial expressions. He's not sure if he should smile or grimace. He is breaking into a cold sweat. She also shows him the video. What in the world can he say?  See, the only thing I would worry about if I were him is that she's on the show to further her career. Is she wearing socks or boots or sock boots? Dan wants to know if she's bottom heavy. Rude.

But then we find out in the final rose ceremony that he wasn't really okay with seeing her nude in Playboy, because he sends Jade home, after first asking her to autograph her centerfold. Yay! That means we get to see Kaitlyn on the hometown dates. He tells her that she is an amazing person and an amazing piece of ass. Maybe she should never have told him until after he proposed.

We just made a quick video of re-enacting her telling Chris about her posing, only in this version, it's for the tiny house issue of American Lifestyle. It would be hilarious if you could actually hear it.

Friday, February 13, 2015

50 Shades of Graham Cracker

I haven't yet decided if I will go see 50 Shades this weekend. The New Yorker and The New York Times both panned it--but not in a terrible, terrible way--they panned it as they would any guilty pleasure, and then the Huffington Post says it's not very good because there's no actual pleasure for the heroine--like we never see her soaring to heights of ecstasy. But maybe it's so bad that it's good?

In any case, here's an info graph from  for your viewing pleasure. 

  Grammarly: Fifty Shades of Grammar

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Gather the Smelling Salts

Now, where were we? I believe we left at a cliff hanger (or Clift Hanger, as I am inclined to write), where Daisy Buchanan has feigned a faint and Chris, sweat streaming down his broad American face in salty rivers, has had to step away from the room to gather himself. The paramedics are on hand every second I guess in case anyone has a ruptured breast implant or chokes on wine/whine or whatever. What is wrong with Kelsey? She ate a brownie with a nut? She asks to speak to Chris and wants to make sure that he's not going to not give her a rose. Eyelashes is on to her and thinks that she may be lying about the husband. Brilliant, Eyelashes!

Rose Ceremony: Carly and Britta are safe. None of the women want Kelsey to get the rose because she's a phony. First rose: Jade,  long brown hair. Second rose: Kayla, also brown hair, she's funny and has birds on her arms. Fourth rose: Megan. Blond. Eyelashes is crying because she doesn't have a sad story. Fifth: Somebody blond. The woman with the doll teeth all the same size. Sixth: Ashley aka Eyelashes aka the Virgin. Seventh rose: Kelsey will faint if she doesn't get a rose. Huge pauses. Tears. Pause. More tears. Pause, music builds...Finally...Kelsey. Duh, no duh. This is one of the subplots. Going home: Samantha and MacKenzie who is too young for him anyway (age 21). The girls point out that Sam has a sad story too, but that she didn't use it for leverage.

Coming up: Deadwood, South Dakota. Campfires, kisses. We see Chris change his shirt and put on a leather jacket. Photos of him dressed as a Confederate soldier and a guy in Old West duds. Britt asks Kelsey how she feels and Kelsey says it will be nice not to be just the widow. Or window. I don't know what she's saying.

First one on one with his identical twin sister, Becca. They will get on horses. Cameras have been mounted on the grippy-thingy on the saddle.

Back at the ranch, the women gang up on Kelsey, who automatically brings a tear to her eyes and apologizes to their faces while off-screen, we hear her sarcastically say that she's sorry she uses such big words around these bimbos.

Becca and Chris are laughing a lot, but I missed a lot of what they're laughing about--I can't tell if he's laughing at her or laughing with her. He asks her what her five year plan is and she makes fun of him and says, What's your 15 year plan? He says he wants four to six children, and she says she's one of five. Hey, guess what, Becca is also a virgin. They kiss and Becca then apologizes to her dad. Wait til she goes down on him on national television (sorry, mom!).

Group date and he hugs all of the women, most of who are wearing sparkles and/or leather and denim. Megan sometimes seems drunk. What happened to the woman who came back last week and just wanted to hang out? Was that Sam? Some country Western guys show up.  Or is that Tom Petty? I have no idea.Whoever he is, he can't stop hitting on the women. They're supposed to write country Western songs. The other gals are jealous because he's so in love with Britt. But don't be fooled. The Bachelor producers have done this before--led us down a certain path, only to veer off into a different direction. So, don't be fooled. Carly nails it because she is a lounge singer. She needs to get her roots done, but I still like her. My favorite is still that bird on the elbow girl. Jade is shy. She also can't sing or rhyme, but she's sweet. They're all sweet and wearing denim. He makes out with Jade because of her shyness. Kaitlyn feels like they still have a connection, but then he runs off with Britt, but it's Chris who pulls her away. She's a waitress/actress/super model. He whisks her away to the Tom Petty concert. The backdrop is a giant American flag. Not one black person in the entire 10,000 seat auditorium. He asks her if she will accept this rose in front of all of these hicks. Oh, I forgot, these people on TV are extroverts. Like, I could never in a million years get up in front of an auditorium full of people and dance, unless of course, I looked like a human mermaid in high tops, as she does.

Britt comes back and all the girls give her the cold shoulder and even brave Kayley cries and her nose turns bright red because she says it's so obvious that Britt and Chris have this amazing chemistry and then the fertility nurse cries because Britt is so damn pretty and it makes her feel not so pretty.

Awkward two on one date with Kelsey and Eyelashes. They fly past the heads of the presidents and Kelsey rattles them off while Eyelashes rolls her eyes and they get stuck together. He goes off first to make out with Ashley who wears a lot, a lot of make up. Ashley has really long gypsy hair in braids and is dressed like a yoga instructor except for the knee high black Gestapo boots. Meanwhile, Kelsey waits on the bed in the middle of the desert. Maybe he will send them both home. Kelsey goes back and stares at Ashley who will not look in her direction. Kelsey says that she knows that Ashley threw her under the bus. I read somewhere recently that people who use the phrase "threw so and so under a bus" are the main arbitrators of under-the-bus-throwing. Ashley finds Chris and cries at him. He holds her on the side of a mountain. Maybe he likes to rescue girls. Nope, he tells her that he thinks she's in a different place then he is. She is ridiculous. She won't stop crying. And then laughing and then crying and then throwing up. He also tells Kelsey that he wants to send her home too. Yay!! She manages to keep crying and looking noble. He says, Take care, and whisks off in a helicopter. The women are so happy that Kelsey is leaving. Wait, did her husband die or didn't he. Is someone about the jump off a cliff?

That's why they call it the Badlands, people.

Oh, no, a two day event next time. Sunday AND Monday. It's crazy, because I pretty much like all of these remaining women, except possibly maybe the fertility nurse who has that dumb baby voice.

Monday, February 2, 2015

The season is about to EXPLODE

That's what the preview guy just said. I think that just means there will be more baby talk and one girl will effectively fake an orgasm (Carly). Why are they painting Daisy Buchanan aka Kelsey as the
bad person? I like her. Oh, yeah, except I forgot that the previews reveal that she slips on a banana peel that she threw down herself and has to be rushed to the set of General Hospital for pretend ER care.

The ladies jump up and down because they are going to Sante Fe, which is either in Old or New Mexico. Each girl appears to require a minimum of 15 bikinis per person. Chris is excited to spend time with these beautiful girls/women in an adobe-style Holiday Inn. Eyelashes wants to prove to Chris that she's a virgin by allowing him to take her virginity on the circular resort bed and then showing the bloodstained sheets to the girls over orange juice the next morning.

Carly, the cruise ship operator, gets the first real date and is so stoked by it. She wears her Liz Claiborne Sante Fe sweater from Macy's. They are met by a woman with dark bobbed hair whose earrings are so long that they touch her navel. She is a meditating love guru whose head shot didn't make the first cut of the Bachelor auditions. Chris and Carly must sit back to back and breath in and out until their lips are numb and they must keep their eyes closed even as they know the cameras are zooming in for a close up. Carly blind folds Chris and she is going to use her touch and her breath to smear strawberries on his bare chest. It's like Nine and a Half Weeks except he ends up with a chocolate smeared mouth that makes it appear as though he has lost a few teeth. They have to take off each others clothes while staring at one another. Both of them are experiencing it as the worst date of their lives. Next, they have to breath on each other and explore each other with their hands, this is the fake orgasm that they previewed. All she's really doing is breathing heavy. They are not allowed to kiss. What if he gets a hard on? I mean, can he get one with the cameras rolling? Do they have a professional fluffer off screen? Meanwhile, the piano keys flutter in the background as they finally kiss. There's no way that you could compare this gal Carly to the facade presented by Eyelashes, for example.

Group date and they have to go on the river and the girls get jealous because one of the ladies has super cold feet (foreshadowing?? ) and so Chris massages them in her cute little men's athletic socks. Group dates are so stupid. How will the fertility nurse get the time she needs with Chris? Stop calling each other girls!

Some girl from week two shows up and he says he sent her home because she got too drunk and didn't seem that serious. She said that it was God that brought her back, but I think it was her dad's Chevy. She wants a second chance. This is dumb. Just tell her no. Everyone will totally hate her and she just more or less admitted that she has a drinking problem. He lets her stay. I hope she gets drunk and he kicks her off again. Can anyone come back at any time?

Here's that girl whose teeth are all the same size. Whitley the sperm gatherer gets the rose and Eyelashes is like so upset by it because she thinks Whitley is way too perky. I bet this girl thinks that if she were in The Breakfast Club, she would be the Ally Sheedy character, when actually, she's way more like Claire as played by Molly Ringwald. I mean if Molly's character wore three layers of fake eyelashes. Not that she's ever heard of The Breakfast Club, as she probably hadn't been born yet.

He goes to wake up Britt and she looks beautiful because she puts all of her make up on before she goes to bed, just in case, which explains why she has lipstick on at 4 a.m.. She's worried that she will have to jump off of something, but instead she's going to go up in a hot air balloon! Little does she know that she will have to jump out of the hot air balloon once they get over the field where the llamas frolic. Why aren't there more llamas in this show? He wears a manly flannel shirt and she wears sparkles and rings on her index finger. Chris says that he's on cloud 9. Who is driving this thing? Back at the house, the girls gossip about how  Britt has said that she likes to be single so much and then they cut to the date where she tells Chris that she wants to have, like, 100 kids. You will not be fitting into those cute little red hot pants after one kid, lady. Dan wants to know why none of these women are not full time Victoria's Secret models. It's true, they are all very cute. He also suggests that they could model for Sears if they wanted to and "make a shit load of cash."

Britt comes back and tells the girls that she was in Chris' room for two hours and Kelsey, who hasn't eaten in about six days straight, does not take this lying down (she will be lying down later, we know this from the previews). She goes to his room and uses the pity method to ensure a rose, telling him about her husband who died of a heart attack out of the blue. Meanwhile, I can't stop wondering how much hair mousse is required to get Chris' hair to stand on end like that. Wait, she made this up? That's what my friend Kristine is texting me right now. This was something I didn't know. Like she's not going to be found out? So fake. No one would do this. I can't even complain about the set up of this, yes, it's scripted and they have to always make someone the bad girl, but I mean...How stupid is the audience supposed to be? Very, I guess. This is insulting. And like she would then act all smug about it.

Chris makes a speech about how Kelsey's story is triggering his lost memories of sexual abuse by his camp counselor in seventh grade. Kelsey allows her eyes to well with tears. No one can cross her because she has a dead husband. Or not. She strings together a bunch of cliches about time and Britt is continually rubbing her shoulder until it starts bleeding.

Chris has decided to send all of the women home. Every single one of them. There will be no cocktail party. How are they going to wrap this up in four minutes? It must be too cold in the room because they all have blankets on their laps. Three minutes. Kelsey is a guidance counselor? She leaves the room and has faked a fall on the balcony. She manages to keep her legs together. Maybe Chris will make out with her while she's on the ground. TO BE CONTINUED...Dan says, We won't know if Kelsye's dead or alive for a whole week! And then they end with the funny "real" scene of one of the blond girls being totally racist and stupid. Can't wait until next week.