Monday, February 16, 2015

Where is Glitter Girl?

I confess that I could not fathom writing through three hours of The Bachelor last night and so did not find out what happened on the Chris Tell All show or the episode that followed, though I can surmise that it went something like this: recap, recap, bland banter with the host, softball questions, recap, montage of Kayla acting crazy, no real discussion of PTSD or mental illness or whatever else was going on with her, Chris sweating, recap, and previews of the upcoming show.

Here is a photo of some folks who live in Arlington, Iowa, where Chris is from. They are not actors.


Okay, I just read some bloggers and I guess Sparkly Britt is still on the show, though Chris may be catching on to the fact that she might not to want to wait tables at the non-existent local diner, hoping to get discovered when maybe Steven Speildberg drives by scouting a location for his next sci fi extravaganza.

Are they still in Iowa or are they in Hollywood? Wait, he has a loft in--what? Soho? He takes Britkaylee to his loft that there is no way he decorated. It has an Aztec/throw pillow theme.  She tells him that her last relationship failed because she couldn't see the guy as her husband and the father of her children who must all have perfectly straight teeth. She doesn't open her mouth all that wide when she talks. She is also a virgin and I don't think she has confessed that to him yet. Why is there a no-smoking sign in his loft?

Back to the women.The former Playboy model/cosmetic developer wears athletic socks up to her knees.

Britt lets the girls know that she might leave before the rose ceremony because she didn't get the rose last time, but she will definitely maybe leave if she feels like it. I wish Whitley would stop talking in a baby voice. Why must the girls always be shown as turning on each other? Isn't there anyone who ever goes, "I don't care that she seems desperate and weird. She's fine. I would do the same." Chris spanks Britt verbally, but not in a 50 Shades way. I can't tell if he's asking her to leave or what. Is she wearing a bubble skirt circa the 1990s? It seems as if Britt might be fake crying a little bit, forcing it out and making her eyeliner run so she looks even more glamorous!

If she left, why is he still short one rose? He gives one to baby talk and the girl with the doll teeth and so Carly is going home so that Jade can confess her Playboy days. Carly will have to go back to singing on the cruise ship. She's like one of those gals who is always best friends with the hot guy but never ends up dating him.

First hometown date is with Becca in Louisiana. Becca wears what might be a shirt and might be a scarf and might be a tank top. A "scartanki."Everyone in Becca's family is blond and likes to say "ya'all."The picture below has nothing to do with the story, but it's what came up when I Googled "bare shoulders" and I kind of love it.
Becca's mom says that if Chris messes with their daughter, she will take him out bad and shoot him with a shotgun, ya'all. Everyone in her family is also obsessed with Becca's virginity. The sister just assumes that Becca wouldn't give it up for Chris.


Next, Chris comes to visit Whitley in Chicago and she greets him in the same way you would greet a dog like, "Here, boy!" and slapping her knees. She says, "What do you say we go make a baby??" (A pun on her job). Chris goes, "I really can't wait to go look inside her...job." That is kind of cool how they inject the sperm into the egg with a sewing needle. Chris says," Whitley makes babies and I make corn." I guarantee that Whitley has frozen 25 of her eggs in case it doesn't work out with Chris.Oh, wait, maybe she will be having his baby because she is capturing his sperm in a cup. Unfortunately, Jade is on the cover of one of the available Playboys.  Oh, ha ha, she is telling him doesn't really have to jerk off in a plastic vial. Hilarious!

Here is how many kids a single sperm can father: 


Whitley's dad was also a sperm donor, unfortunately, and so she was raised by a single mom. She has her Uncle Baldwin hang out instead. He's a big drinker, I think. Whitley's sister is skeptical, but they hate each other. She is pointing out that the only sperm Whitley will be able to harvest is for the farm animals. She can have a career in animal husbandry. Where is the mom? Oh, of course she has a little white dog who also talks with a baby voice. Whitley tells him that she has fallen in love with him 100% and she is happy to deal with sheep penises for the rest of her life if it means they can be together.


Date with adorable Kaitlyn and her tattooed elbows. I like her the best, but I do not think they make a good couple. She is way to cool for him. Look at that little diamond nose ring! Guess what? Chris cannot rap. They high five anyway. He says that he thinks Kaitlyn would make life fun. She didn't really dress up for the date as she is wearing a patterned blouse and black shorts. She has step parents and they all seem to get along fine. There is a fire in the middle of the dinner table. Kaitlyn's mom is pretty though may be wearing fake eyelashes and she does have bangs at age 62. Don't they have any pets? They don't have great chemistry. She takes him out to a misspelled billboard that reads "Kaitlyn Heart Chris."

Hometown date in Nebraska where Jade used to live, though she has relocated to California. Again, like Britt, will she be happy waiting to be discovered at the Walgreens perfume counter? Because there is no Walgreens in Arlington. How weird that her two teenage brothers have seen her in a girlie magazine. The brother describes his sister as a wild Mustang and a free spirit. This worries Chris. I do not think he will be thrilled to see
her as a centerfold. I think that will be the kiss off of death. She's been acting all shy and sweet when really, she's a firecracker! She may have bad skin. I mean, she's still beautiful. She's mumbling, and what a long preamble. Jesus. She tells him and he can't control his facial expressions. He's not sure if he should smile or grimace. He is breaking into a cold sweat. She also shows him the video. What in the world can he say?  See, the only thing I would worry about if I were him is that she's on the show to further her career. Is she wearing socks or boots or sock boots? Dan wants to know if she's bottom heavy. Rude.

But then we find out in the final rose ceremony that he wasn't really okay with seeing her nude in Playboy, because he sends Jade home, after first asking her to autograph her centerfold. Yay! That means we get to see Kaitlyn on the hometown dates. He tells her that she is an amazing person and an amazing piece of ass. Maybe she should never have told him until after he proposed.

We just made a quick video of re-enacting her telling Chris about her posing, only in this version, it's for the tiny house issue of American Lifestyle. It would be hilarious if you could actually hear it.

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