Monday, March 14, 2016

the most zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ever

Oh, HUGE plug to get us to watch After the Final Rose TV show as both sets of divorced parents are in the studio audience as is Ben's evangelical, snake-handling pastor, Saint Amos. Not going to work on this lady, because I can barely stand two hours and refuse to subject myself to an hour of recaps followed by not a marriage.

 JoJo appears in yet another in a seemingly endless assortment of drooping shoulder shirts. Both women have been given matching denim short-shorts and Ben is going to have to choose his wife based on their asses, lined up side by side.

Ben can't believe that he's put himself in this situation where he's in love with two women and his parents have been flown to Jamaica to give him benign advice and platitudes. Hey, did you know that this whole show has been filmed in six weeks? And so by the time it gets narrowed down to these two ladies, that means maybe they've known each other about five weeks. I don't even shave every five weeks (that's not true).

Dad tells Lauren that Ben has twinkle in his one eye that he hasn't seen since he was hit in the other eye by an arrow in Eagle Scout camp.

Mom asks Lauren is she's seen the side of Ben where he "flies into a rage and has to have a restraining order put on him?" Lauren says, "Yes, we talked about that on our first date when he slapped me." They laugh and clink chardonnay glasses.

Ben asks Mom what he should do. Mom shakes her head and goes, "How in the heck are you going to choose?" That's not what my mom would say.

Switch to Lauren  and Ben. Lauren is saying, with Valley Girl inflection, "I, like, literally don't want to get married more than, like, around one time or so. And after having met your parents, like, today, I want to literally get married to all of you."

Here comes JoJo. She's wearing a short-short floral pantsuit. There must have been a bargain sale at the local florist shop, because both women have brought flowers, though JoJo's arrangement wins because it's in a conch shell. Dan likes JoJo better. Actually, what he said was that he likes her straight on, but he doesn't like her nose from the side. In this episode, JoJo comes across as more authentic than Lauren, which seems crazy. It appears that Ben's dad may like JoJo better because she cried. Mom remains skeptical. I think the mom and JoJo might be holding hands.Will she be able to cry in front of mom too? Yes!!! If she doesn't get picked by Ben, she can always go on a telenovela. Have I mentioned how much I hate the sound effects of kissing?

Mom and Dad weigh in by giving zero guidance. Dad says Lauren was very polished and a great gal. But then he says that JoJo considers him to be a best friend and JoJo was able to respond to dad's questions before he even thought of them. Mom says she loves them both too. Dan thinks he should flip a coin. JoJo heads, Lauren B. tails.

A black man brings Lauren across the water wearing even shorter shorts than before to where Ben is getting sick over the side of an unmanned catamaran. They just keep saying they love each other. Unfortunately, Ben notices that Lauren has hammertoes and that kills it for him (that's a Dan quote). They snuggle and Ben starts crying on Lauren's shoulder because everything is in two different places, his brain, his heart, his testicles. Lauren says, Uh-huh.

They meet up again later. Ben has totally given up and wears a hoodie sweatshirt with his chest hair showing. For some reason, the producers have decided to cue up the volume on the crickets in the background. They face each other really close until both of them are cross-eyed. Ben is saying something boring about how she has stood behind him and that allowed him to get to know her better and also fall in love with her. We start to feel bad for Lauren, but then we remember that if she were given a quiz about Ben, starting with his birthday, his middle name, what he's like at a sporting event or his political leanings, she wouldn't be able to readily answer.

JoJo calmly walks toward Ben in white short shorts and a dayglo green shirt with bright yellow bikini straps.  A homeless Jamaican asks for help and they roar by in a Jeep. I can't stop staring at JoJos cleavage which (I think) is real. Ben takes her to a jungle waterfall. She's way less of
a downer than Lauren. They make out under a rock. Ben again brings up that he's not sure who he wants to propose to. She hugs him, instead of punching him in the face, which is what she should do.

Shot of product placement of Sandals resort surrounded by men with machine guns. They are together in candlelight. This may be when we discover that Ben has multiple personality disorder. No one gets this agonized about two people he's known for a month and a half. This is all FAKE. Also, every time he says, JoJo, I think he's talking to a small dog. Can she not start going by Josephine? Or Sarah? They're sitting on the bathroom floor so that they can get privacy and time away from the cameras, even though that's silly because both of them are still fully miked. Ben says, "JoJo, look at me, I am sitting on the bathroom floor at Sandals, if that doesn't prove my love to you, I don't know what would."

I am not insuinuating that the person named JoJo is a dog, just that she goes by a name that reminds me of a Bichon poodle mix.

Thirty five minutes left. Ben wakes up feeling like this is the biggest day of his life and this makes him unable to put on a shirt. He runs into Neil, who I guess is the wedding ring guy from Steven Singer. Flashbacks of JoJo in a rain storm, on a baseball field, kissing on a couch, kissing in front of huge building with fireworks in the background. Then Lauren in a hot tub, Lauren at a hoe down, Lauren in a top knot. The ring is the deciding factor. He now knows who he is more fully in love with after looking at spiral, diamond cut ring in the shape of a French fry. JoJo it is! Not really. I think it's going to be Lauren, simply because they are making it seem obvious that it's JoJo and it's always the opposite.

Here's how the show is going for the remaining 25 minutes. 5 minutes of show, 5 minutes of commercials. It must cost next to nothing to produce this.

Ben is hyperventilating and feeling sick on both a physical and emotional level. First one out of the helicopter is...JoJo wearing her senior prom dress. Unless they start switching between the women, which they might do, she will be sent home. A really nice guy wouldn't let her ramble on like this without telling her to stop if he's breaking up with her. He waits until she finishes and then says, "I found love with you, but...I found it with somebody else more." She instantly pukes on him. This makes him look like a dick. Part of the reason he's rejecting her is that he can't imagine having to call someone JoJo for the rest of his life. She hugs him good bye, which I would never do. Now we will have to watch her sob in the limo.

But here's what else I think might happen and why this show sustains. He could call her to ask her to come back, right? Or call Caila? Or call his mom?

This abstract illustration represents indecision. Bunny ears or bear ears = Lauren or JoJo?

Oh, okay, he LOVES Lauren with all of his fickle heart and it's a love he can't lose (he tells the camera). He calls Lauren's dad in an old-fashioned transaction based on women as chattel to be sold to the highest bidder by her father. His dad gives his consent and throws in two donkeys and an extra pair of denim shorts for the honeymoon to boot.

Here is a real life representation of Lady Mary and Edith from Downton Abbey. 
Lauren is terrified of the feeling that she's feeling right now. She blathers on about how she is happy because "you are my person." I bet they're hoping that becomes a catch phrase. Pause. He says, "I came into this honestly feeling unlovable. I want to go to bed at night and know that I would wake up with the most beautiful women I ever laid eyes on..." and a bunch of other scripted stuff because no guy ever says those things in real life.

Dan says he's going to go running down Nassau Street because they are both so happy!!!! He also goes, "Oh, my God, poor JoJo."

Monday, March 7, 2016

Wherein we re-meet-eth the women we barely remember (even though they were on the show, like, 2 weeks ago)

This is the women tell all show before the big hot dog finale. It's also the cheapest way for CBS or whatever station to get prime time viewers without actually filming new content (it's 70% recaps that we've already seen. And at times, it's recaps of recaps, which are called doublecaps aka DULL).

It's called The Women Tell All, but it should be called The Women Offer No Insights & Fight for Air Time.  Please stop calling viewers Bachelor Nation. I hate it. I hate it too because there is now something called Tr*** Nation (I don't use his name because why give him any more attention? It feeds the fascist fire).

Here is the part where Ben shows up at your Bachelor parties like a creeper and the women wet themselves. Maybe he'll fall in love with a mom at one of the parties.  He is handing out roses and eating a piece of cake with the hosts face on it. How do they find these mobs of people and why are they all wearing footie p.j.s?

All of the ladies have had their hair professionally done and slutted up and cleavage is a requirement. As is a chicken and tons of facial foundation. Please stop waving with both hands. I don't remember a third of the women because they only lasted two shows. Caila is wearing a black pantsuit and Olivia-z is wearing a white jumpsuit. I don't care if Anthropologie offers a two for one deal on jumpsuits, you will never voluntarily find me in one (here is where I imagine what scenario exactly would find me in a pantsuit, and I think it would have to be as an extra in a prison movie being filmed in Princeton and starring Mark Ruffalo. Then, maybe).

The women pile on Olivia and Jubilee and Leah and anyone who acted like the show is a competition for one man's attention, even though that's exactly what it is. Race is addressed only is so far as the women of color are being made to apologize to one another. I wish she would be the next Bachelorette but she is too black for it, according to CBSNBCABC. Recaps of Jubilee trying to confront Ben with the fact that she's too black for him. She says, "I feel like the most unlovable person in the world right now." No one addresses that this might be because she is the only black girl on the show who made it past the first three episodes.

Liz is here now and it's a joyous reunion.

Me, Liz and Cousin ITT.
They are going over Lace's interactions. I think she is very beautiful. The cameraman shows that he has a tattoo of Lace on his side. That can't be real. It's a poorly done tattoo, much like the tear drop that prisoners draw on their faces with sharpened quills dipped in blood.

Olivia recap now. Remember" she got the first impression rose and then the most sexual vibe rose and and then the date rose and then the huge mouth rose and then the crying twin rose. They remind us that he went off to the rock cliff, holding a rose and then leaving her there like an abandoned child.  Olivia compares herself to Jubilee in that she's different than the other girls. Chris asks her if she feels like she was in the wrong but also that she was done wrong. She apologizes to Amanda for the teen mom comment. Teen mom goes "being a mom is my jam."  The twins attack and then some other blonds jump in to get air time. I'm only half paying attention because my friend is here. Anyway, there is nothing to say. What's the suspense? If they will get asked to be on The Bachelor in Paradise summer show? Olivia recalls her time being bullied in elementary school. Severally bullied. The women called b.s. Olivia explains that she is an introvert even though she's a public figure. She says how we all really judge and she apologizes for her insensitivity. She says how there';s not a guide book for how to behave on this show and if there was one, she would have read it.

Caila is in the hot seat next. Dan wants to know what size rollers she wears to get ringlets the size of sausages. Ben called her a sex panda. She says that she feels like she loves him and that she's going to hurt him. Fireworks, bikinis, and smiles. Liz says that she cries in the most pretty way. I like that she doesn't wipe away one single tear at a time, but lets them flow. Liz says that she can totally tell what Ciala looked like as a baby. Exactly like she does right now. Chris Harrison says, "I can see from the expression on your face that you're upset." As opposed to being able to tell from her armpit?

Ben is now in the hot seat. What does that even mean "the hot seat?" Liz says that JoJo is trifling. We don't like any of the two remaining contestants. Chris asks Ben to tell Caila what happened. He says that he appreciates her and that they had great conversations. Caila says he always made her feel comfortable but she wants to know if her confusion made him confused. He says, "It was clear that we knew what each other was saying but we didn't understand one another."  Becca thanks Ben for letting her know that there are guys out there just like him who are nice and boring and into the Boy Scouts. Chris asks Ben if he can tell the twins apart and he correctly picks them, based on the fact that the extrovert is showing her tits the most.

Scenes where we see who Ben will choose because he loves them both and he is confused about what to do. Gasps from the audience. Open mouth stares. The twins are excited! I have never been in love with two men, so I can't relate. I mean, I'm sure it happens, especially when you're on TV. One more week...