JoJo appears in yet another in a seemingly endless assortment of drooping shoulder shirts. Both women have been given matching denim short-shorts and Ben is going to have to choose his wife based on their asses, lined up side by side.
Ben can't believe that he's put himself in this situation where he's in love with two women and his parents have been flown to Jamaica to give him benign advice and platitudes. Hey, did you know that this whole show has been filmed in six weeks? And so by the time it gets narrowed down to these two ladies, that means maybe they've known each other about five weeks. I don't even shave every five weeks (that's not true).
Ben asks Mom what he should do. Mom shakes her head and goes, "How in the heck are you going to choose?" That's not what my mom would say.
Switch to Lauren and Ben. Lauren is saying, with Valley Girl inflection, "I, like, literally don't want to get married more than, like, around one time or so. And after having met your parents, like, today, I want to literally get married to all of you."
Here comes JoJo. She's wearing a short-short floral pantsuit. There must have been a bargain sale at the local florist shop, because both women have brought flowers, though JoJo's arrangement wins because it's in a conch shell. Dan likes JoJo better. Actually, what he said was that he likes her straight on, but he doesn't like her nose from the side. In this episode, JoJo comes across as more authentic than Lauren, which seems crazy. It appears that Ben's dad may like JoJo better because she cried. Mom remains skeptical. I think the mom and JoJo might be holding hands.Will she be able to cry in front of mom too? Yes!!! If she doesn't get picked by Ben, she can always go on a telenovela. Have I mentioned how much I hate the sound effects of kissing?
Mom and Dad weigh in by giving zero guidance. Dad says Lauren was very polished and a great gal. But then he says that JoJo considers him to be a best friend and JoJo was able to respond to dad's questions before he even thought of them. Mom says she loves them both too. Dan thinks he should flip a coin. JoJo heads, Lauren B. tails.
JoJo calmly walks toward Ben in white short shorts and a dayglo green shirt with bright yellow bikini straps. A homeless Jamaican asks for help and they roar by in a Jeep. I can't stop staring at JoJos cleavage which (I think) is real. Ben takes her to a jungle waterfall. She's way less of
a downer than Lauren. They make out under a rock. Ben again brings up that he's not sure who he wants to propose to. She hugs him, instead of punching him in the face, which is what she should do.
Shot of product placement of Sandals resort surrounded by men with machine guns. They are together in candlelight. This may be when we discover that Ben has multiple personality disorder. No one gets this agonized about two people he's known for a month and a half. This is all FAKE. Also, every time he says, JoJo, I think he's talking to a small dog. Can she not start going by Josephine? Or Sarah? They're sitting on the bathroom floor so that they can get privacy and time away from the cameras, even though that's silly because both of them are still fully miked. Ben says, "JoJo, look at me, I am sitting on the bathroom floor at Sandals, if that doesn't prove my love to you, I don't know what would."
|I am not insuinuating that the person named JoJo is a dog, just that she goes by a name that reminds me of a Bichon poodle mix.|
Here's how the show is going for the remaining 25 minutes. 5 minutes of show, 5 minutes of commercials. It must cost next to nothing to produce this.
Ben is hyperventilating and feeling sick on both a physical and emotional level. First one out of the helicopter is...JoJo wearing her senior prom dress. Unless they start switching between the women, which they might do, she will be sent home. A really nice guy wouldn't let her ramble on like this without telling her to stop if he's breaking up with her. He waits until she finishes and then says, "I found love with you, but...I found it with somebody else more." She instantly pukes on him. This makes him look like a dick. Part of the reason he's rejecting her is that he can't imagine having to call someone JoJo for the rest of his life. She hugs him good bye, which I would never do. Now we will have to watch her sob in the limo.
But here's what else I think might happen and why this show sustains. He could call her to ask her to come back, right? Or call Caila? Or call his mom?
|This abstract illustration represents indecision. Bunny ears or bear ears = Lauren or JoJo?|
Oh, okay, he LOVES Lauren with all of his fickle heart and it's a love he can't lose (he tells the camera). He calls Lauren's dad in an old-fashioned transaction based on women as chattel to be sold to the highest bidder by her father. His dad gives his consent and throws in two donkeys and an extra pair of denim shorts for the honeymoon to boot.
|Here is a real life representation of Lady Mary and Edith from Downton Abbey.|
Dan says he's going to go running down Nassau Street because they are both so happy!!!! He also goes, "Oh, my God, poor JoJo."