Monday, July 20, 2009

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It’s all about the recaps. It’s a show made of recaps from previous shows. I purposefully skipped the first 40 minutes. These guys are all a bunch of idiots. They are turning on one another. Wes has not shown up, because he will probably come in at the very end for some kind of surprise. They are all trying to humiliate Jake because he is too perfect and too sweet (however, he just referred to himself in the third person; kind of irritating). I don’t remember any of these guys, to be honest. Who are these women in the audience? Oh, okay time for a short break because the show has been on now for three minutes. You know what, I’m going to go ahead and time the difference between the commercials and the actual airtime of the show.

>Show returns at: 8:47 p.m. Don’t forget the 20 minutes of clapping in between the scenes. I can’t tell you how much hair mousse has been used in the making of this show. Dave is the crazy dude who has decided to grow a beard for the recap Juan is being attacked and he defends himself by saying that he doesn’t consider being belligerent and rude to Gillian breaking man code. The dudes don’t like how Juan pretended to take a shot but really didn’t drink it. Chris says, Why does Juan have to explain why he didn’t want to drink? The guys are saying that Juan didn’t fit in because he wasn’t in a fraternity like the rest of the dudes. “Man code” has been said more than 50 times in the last 3 minutes. Chris asks if there might be a fine line between man code and being a nice guy and helping Jolene know what’s going on when it would be in her best interest to know something? Jake says, Why waste all this energy on all this alpha male banter, where’s Jillian in all this? Unspontaneous applause from the audience.

>Next commercial series: 8:56. So, okay, 8 minutes of programming for every four minutes of commercials. If I could do math, I would tell you how much of the total time then is actually spent on product placement. So wait, 120 minutes divided by four = 30 minutes of commercials or one quarter of the program. I think my mother be right. This show is ridiculous. How expensive can it be to even produce it that would require them to play this many ads?

>Show returns at: 9:00 p.m. Right on schedule! How can they possibly stretch this show out for the next hour? This sucks. David the asshole with the man code is going to be put in the hot seat next to Chris. I wonder how much testosterone he has swirling through his system? Way too much. I don’t think he even has a neck. Recap: G/J thinks that David is a little too raw. I think it’s that he’s a little too drunk. And inappropriate and rude, saying things like, You have a great ass, you know that, right? He asks the gals, “Wait, you girls in the audience don’t like it if some guy comes up to you and says, ‘You have a great ass?’” They ladies respond, NOOOOO. Chris asks him if maybe he’s a misogynistic pig. He says that maybe he shouldn’t have talked to her about her ass. Applause sign goes on for the women to clap for Juan for saying that he would never act like Dave.

Show returns: 9:11. The commercials are now outpacing the show. Jake is now in the hot seat to explain his perfection. Chris says that J. was one of the early favorites. Recap of Jake and J.’s interactions. He is a cheesy guy. He brings her wings from his airplane as a gift. Jake kisses her in mid-sentence, is that for real? J. also says that Jake is too perfect. I don’t get it. Maybe she sees him as being too nice? Maybe he loves Jesus? Oh, yeah, I forgot that he’s the one who comes back to tell her that Wes is a liar. Maybe she should take him back? He cries after telling her that Wes is liar. This is him breaking man code, according to Dave, the Cro-Magnon.

I missed a big chunk of the show and commercials because of a very important phone call.They have just brought Gilly back out to face the guys. She is telling Dave that she thought he was being a dick. He apologizes and then, in the voice of a robot, he says, I-truly-am-sorry-for-what-I-did-to-you, beep. Chris says it seems like you let Jake go and that was hard. Jake is upset that J. didn’t go with him on his hometown date. Wes is brought up and he is being booed. Chris asks her what she thinks of him, if she wishes she had kicked him to the curb. She says she feels like she made the right decision. Fake, tepid applause. Any questions from the guy? Michael, who is tiny, doesn’t have a question, but he just wants to say that he is grateful for the experience. J says the feeling is mutual, though I’m not sure what she’s feeling mutual about. Juan says that he does find her feet to be hot. Bachelorette bloopers. That’s funny. Wish the whole show was like that. Michael just farted and then said that it followed. Ed farted at the rose ceremony. This whole blooper clip is about gas. Jilly says that she is extremely happy, which may mean nothing. I am going to stop watching now, even though there are still 12 minutes left in the show (or five, if you count the commercials).

Friday, July 17, 2009

Finally, more windows

Have you missed my South Philly window pics? Me too. So many cats in windows, so little time. Here's one who needs a nail file to break out of her jail.

Patriotic cat.
Look closely. This is not a cat; it's a cranky doggie.

I love how this kitty has such a bright pink collar. Very luxurious against the lace curtain.

A real modern nun sighting. I had to pretend to be taking a photo of the church. What does she look like? Wait for it.
Like this!I love how her hands are clasped, as though she's continually counting the beads on her rosary even when it's not there.

Drinkers.
Shy kitty.
Friendly out door cat who I wanted to take home.

Bleeding Jesus + art deco.
A photo challenge: find the two cats.

My new BFF.
Spines of books in Lambertsville.

Me petting a horse. Shortly after this, a white horse came over and kicked this one in the chest, clearly jealous. Dan and I were splattered with mud, but otherwise uninjured.

Reminds me of Gretel, dead now for about 3 years, but always memorialized in the painting Jodie made for me which hangs in my living room.

Screen window Siamese.

I think her name must be Ghost.

And here are my kitties, doing what they do every single morning without fail. They're looking at the sparrows and pigeons who dare to roost on the cement wall. Obliviously, I don't have the cleanest kitchen.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Brain Turning to Mush

My mother has strenuously warned me against watching The Bachelorette ever again, because she thinks it's making me stupid. I can't in good conscious disagree. However, here we are once more. I'm delaying turning on the TV, because I don't know if I can actually write about the show for an entire two hours without permanent brain damage.

Okay, here we go. First, we see Kiptyn, looking as though he's channeling a young Indiana Jones in a leather jacket (in Hawaii?) and a perma five o'clock shadow, though his ears remind me of the movie Dumbo. Julienne Carrot has decided to take the overnight dream date because she is falling in love with the real Indiana Jones.

And now Reid enters in white sneakers; the one she's trying to pressure into asking her to marry her after three dates. She won't stop asking him if he likes her, if he wants to "go" with her. It's irritating. He's clearly going to be the one to "break her heart." What they've done: ridden in a helicopter flown by an ordained minister who can marry them, had a picnic on a ridge where Jolene asks him if he could see himself marrying her, and then walked on some rocks where Joolian wonders aloud how he would feel is she were to threaten to throw herself down into the rushing water if he doesn't agree to marry her.

(One thing that's great about the fact that this show has five minutes of commercials at every break is that it allows me to make dinner, wash the dishes, and dye my hair in the meantime without missing a moment of fake reality).

Now they're at their dinner and Julie is again asking Reid if he would like to propose to her in a few minutes or at the end of the show. He back pedals and front pedals and looks over her shoulder to see if maybe there's a motorcycle that can take him away from her in a jiffy. Word on the street is that Reid is gay in real life. I have good sources, because he is from Philly and I live in Philly and so I know peeps.

She asks him if he would mind going to the fantasy suite and talk about getting married. He is pretending to think that he could be falling in love with her. He says that he has serious feelings for her and he likes her and he could be in love with her and he could try to say he loves her or her brother if she has one who looks exactly like her except has a penis (sorry, mother). Now they are in a gigantic bubble bath with bubbles that look as though they could envelope and kill them. They are kissing and blowing bubbles out of each other's noses in the most beautiful and soapy fantasy suite episode ever.

And now here comes Ed, the guy she should like, but who she will likely reject because he's too nice and wearing a wife beater. At least he's not also wearing a necklace and his chest hair seems to be under control. They are on a sailboat called Trilogy (is this the show being ironic because she must choose from three guys? Quite unlikely). The producers must tell her what questions to ask, because she has the same script for each one individually, based on their respective Achilles heels. For Ed: "Did you miss me? Do you think it's bad that I haven't met your family? Do you wish we had had time with your mom and dad? Do you think I'm pretty? Would you like to get married to me? Do you like my accent? It takes balls for you to admit that."

Underwater shot of them having sex. He may drown. Oh, conveniently, they can swim to some rocks and have a few kisses and then jump into the water again. I'm glad Jolin hasn't had a boob job. Ed pictures himself with Joly forever and ever. This is why she will send him home at the end of the show. Here comes the surprise that's not a surprise because we saw in the previews: he's going to let her meet his parents. He's supposedly flown them in to meet her when really we know that the show came up with it.

Ed's parents are fine, not unusual or particularly interesting. Dad has a moustache and a big round face and small round glasses. He's cute, but if Ed turns out like him, that would be bad. Jolly gets a few minutes with mom, who definitely sounds like she's from the Midwest. Jillian can't stop calling the mom by her first name. You know, Judy, I was so happy to meet your son and he's a nice tall glass of water. Dad is very concerned that Ed has come back on this show. He drinks beer. He said, What the hell is going on here, son? Dad's moustache is white in the middle and black on the other two sides. I've never seen anything like it in my life. Ed likens asking someone to marry him as "having to pull the trigger." Don't pick Ed. I feel like Ed probably wears glasses in real life. He looks as though his eyes are hurting him. Here comes dad to talk to Jaly. Dad is pretending to grill Jol he says that "he's never seen Ed put his feelings on his shirt sleeve like this." He's almost crying. His glasses have turned into sunglasses, but we can still see the glimmer of tears. Ed is wearing short shorts and I think he too may be gay. Will they spend the night in the fantasy suite. Of course they will. He is one of those guys who puts his hand on her face when kissing. Points for Ed. However, I bet the directors told him to do that too.

Coming up: Ed is unable to get an erection. Really? Are they really going to go there? WHY?

Here's what Ed says about Joilien, "She is smoking hot. She is great. She is so hot! What does she see in me?" Why are we getting a sneak peek of Ed rubbing hot oil lotion on Jouly? We never get an inside look like that on the show. Is it because he won't be able to get it up? More importantly, aren't they ruining the bed sheets? Lights out. Lights back on. She says that she feels like that love was there, but that the passion wasn't, because he couldn't get it up. Stupid. He says that he was really nervous and he feels like that effected him down there. He goes to sit on the porch and attempt to think about girls in Catholic school uniforms to give see if he can bring anything to life. Nope. Guess what Ed? You're going home to years of endless ridicule for friends, family, and strangers. Hope your 14 minutes (12 minutes of which were commercials) of fame was worth it.

I won't even bother with the recap of the dates that Jellyin had. We saw-l it already. She'll definitely keep Reid, who can't stop saying "definitely." He definitely might like her or not. She "lerves" him (see: Annie Hall). Ed is a goner. First of all, because he calls her "Jill." Secondly, because he can't stop using cliches (you have made me a better man, I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level, a rolling stone gathers no moss, I would love an opportunity to try to get it up one more time, please, I love you). Thirdly, because the shirt he's wearing still has the Gap sale tag on it. He's going home.

This is the hardest decision she's ever had to make since the last five times that it was the hardest decision that she's ever had to make since the previous five times before that. At the rose ceremony, Jillian asks Ed if they can talk for a second. What is she going to do? Show him pictures of naked girls, guys, animals, to see what effect it might have on him. She says that she knows that there's been a lot of pressure on this whole situation but she does have concerns, He has most of the qualities with a person except for the sexual attraction. Is that a problem? She wonders if it was the sunburn that got in the way. She wants to ask him about that. He unfortunately says that he's having a hard time adjusting. He asks her to trust him and that he does not have erection problems. He tells her that she can feel his crotch if she likes. She may still kick him off. Kiptyn still has the five o'clock shadow. He's cute and worried; looks a lot like a springer spaniel.

First rose: Will go to Reid. I know. Hurry UP. This takes forever. Why is Ed wearing a lavender jacket two sizes too big for him? Is his job in the Mafia? Is that why he's under so much pressure. No kidding! She picked Kiptyn first. Hard to believe. I will be shocked if she kicks Reid off. But she would be such a jerk for getting rid of Ed after he promised to take Viagra. He swears that he will.

Second rose: ?????? Will be Reid. Pausseeee. Pause. Pause. Pause. OMG, she's getting rid of Reid. I am so proud of her. She knows that he's not ready for her.

Tragically going home: Reid who couldn't agree to marry her after 3 dates. What will he say. She's crying, of course. He says, I hope you made the right move. I don't know if you're completely sure, but...She says, She doesn't know how sure she's supposed to be. She says that she likes how goofy and fun and funny he is and the connection, but she guess she worries that we're at different places in our life, and he doesn't seem like he's willing to take that chance with her. Can he face up to it. He says he should've open up sooner. He said he didn't give her all the signs she needed to have, but it's shame because he should have. He didn't because he didn't feel it. Just fess up to that, dude. That is the noble thing to do. If he could find the words right now, she would probably change her mind. He can't. He doesn't have the courage. What will he say on the limo ride. They hug for the 50th time. She's going to regret it, but he probably won't, since he didn't really seem to care all that much.

In the limo: he says nothing. He's in shock and Will not play the producers game anymore. She's crying more. Her mascara is hardly running. It's a really good mascara and likely advertised on this show. He says, I wish I could've opened up to her the way he should've. It's definitely a tough and surprising moment. Maybe I screwed myself, he says. I definitely could've seen myself with her and I can definitely say that I was possibly definitely almost falling in love with her. He says he really thinks the whole thing was his fault, even though he was actually being perfectly reasonable about the whole thing. He doesn't see her with the other two guys. God, this limo ride won't end. He says it would've been a lot easier if he had told her that he loved her. He thinks that he fucked up and if he could reverse things, he would.

Next week: Possibly the season finale, or possibly not. Oh, right, no, it's the reunion show we won't want to miss, The Men Tell All. Joluwn shares her thoughts. Jason and Molly are back to show how much they are still dating. Wild weekend in Vegas with the bachelors and bachelorettes from season past.

Why does she have to decide on one of them? If I were her, I'd be like, Hey, let's just keep dating, all of us.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Please Get Rid of Westin Hotel

Last writing class tonight for awhile and the people in the class gave me a copy of John Cheever’s writings wrapped in an adorable piece of sheet music and a card. I know it was Halimah who did it. Isn’t that sweet? I said, Thank you, but I can’t go out for drinks with you like I promised because I have to get home at take off this bra and blog about The Bachelorette. I hope you all appreciate it. They were great, honestly.

Missed the first 25 minutes and had to do things like feed the kitties and feed the stray cats and put on my pjs and drink some water and put things away, etc. So, I’ll just recap quickly: Jillian has a date with Reid who sometimes needs glasses and sometimes doesn’t. They laugh and laugh because they don’t know how to speak any Spanish! Like, really? Neither one of you bothered to look up just a little Spanish so you can say “I’m fine” (Read instead said, “Yo soy grande” which translates to “I am big.” Maybe he was trying to hint that he’s well-endowed? Tricky!).

Jillian tells the camera that she wants Reid to say more than that he likes her a lot. Reid says to the camera, I like her a lot. I might like her a lot later, if we have a lot of laters or not, I don’t know. I guess we like each other and have a great time. Jillian says, I laugh so hard with Reid that I almost pee myself! She’s quite the little lady.

They have the clich├ęd dinner at a tiny table and are offered the overnight card in the fantasy (Disney?) suite. Jillian says it’s up to Reid and Reid is being an idiot. What she really wants is for him to say that he wants to stay overnight with her, but he’s not doing it. He didn’t take the bait. She keeps asking for more from him, and keeps going, Gee, that sucks that you’re making out with other guys. But hey, yeah, I like you, but I don’t know if you know how I’m feeling which is completely ambivalent because I’ve never had a serious relationship before in my entire life and I’m from Philly, you know, and a real estate agent, which I like, but I mean, which I like a lot, as a job, but I don’t know if I love it, you know? But I like it bunches.

Jillian gets to meet Ed who has to make up for lost time, and he’s not doing a very good job by showing up wearing motorcycle sunglasses. These dudes are all idiots. The sunglasses have mysteriously disappeared. Maybe the producers forced him to take them off. Ed also needs to learn how to be more articulate. Jillian says, I don’t know I would have had the balls to do what you did by leaving. (Again, quite the little lady). They’re in a horse drawn carriage and Ed’s hair is sticking up in the back. She makes out with everyone. That’s fine, I guess. She feels like she’s in a dream right now, a happy place, she says. He’s so huge next to her. I wonder if he’ll cry on this date as she has on the other dates she’s had. She asks Ed about her family and Ed says that everyone in his family is really cool. They are intertwining their fingers intensely. Ed says that if they had gone to meet him family, he would’ve taken her to kerioke. Fantastic! She has to stand on a box to kiss him. They have good chemistry, she says. She just loves being close to him and talking to him. The producers have forced them to go into a fountain and get really wet. I wonder if it’s strange for a guy to know that he may be being filmed getting a hard on?

Another advertisement for Vagisil. The Bachelorette, sponsored by something for your woo-woo. I guess they know their target audience well.

Now they are at another romantic dinner. Ed looks tired again and can’t stop drinking wine. He asks Jillian if she would relocate. She says that maybe they wouldnt have been so close to one another if they hadn’t been apart. Everything Ed says goes up at the end? Like it’s a question? I could see us together for a long, long time? Ed says that he would have also taken her to a Cubs game and purchased a hot dog for her. He says his mom wants a grandkid? Can Jillian reproduce? Ed adores kids, he definitely, absolutely could have kids within the next twenty years. I wish she would call one of the guys by the wrong name. I hope Ed’s not the guy would can’t get it up. Ed says he would love to spend the night with her. Jillian again refuses. What the hell. She is also super something about herself (couldn’t hear because I was chewing cereal). Jillian says she’s not ready for it. Ed is genuinely disappointed. He thought that maybe they should reproduce. She keeps bringing up that she’s upset that he left. Ed makes the case that he needs to spend more time with her. Go, Ed!!!! Change your mind, Jillian! She won’t. Ed is a little intense. I see him at work in khaki Dockers hunched over a computer. They are at least checking you the fantasy suite. It’s filled with strawberries and gigantic pillows—the bed could not be gigantic-er. Ed says that he really likes her. She asks him what he’s really worried about. He says, Getting a hard on in front of the cameras. Jillian is totally a tease. Oh, wow, okay, fine, she says that they can stay together if they sleep in their clothes. Whatever! Wish we could see what happens when the cameras leave. Why doesn’t someone say, I really have to go to the bathroom.

Date with douchebag, Wes. They go on a bike ride and Wes asks Jillian to observe how cute he is on a bike. He needs to shave that perpetual, Northern Exposure five o’clock shadow. And not pick his teeth when he’s talking about baring his soul to someone. He literally just stuck his finger in his mouth and pulled out a salsa chip. Jillian observes that when Wes is talking to her, his body language is saying that he has no real interest in her, like doesn’t want to touch her. Also, it’s nearly impossible to understand what he’s saying, “I just don’t know what I want with this big game and you know, you’re a filly and I’m a stallion and you know, I want to brand you.” Jillian asks Wes if he could ever see himself moving to Vancouver and he says that would be crazy. He changes the subject to say that there’s a bird missing a foot. Then he spills his beer. This is awkward. I like his Country Western shirt though. He thinks he’s cuter than he is. He will be kicked off the show.

Date night. We already know what’s going to happen because we’ve seen the previews a million times. Here he comes in another Western shirt. Okay, that’s overkill. He looks like he’s about to be taken off to a square dance. All Jillian can think to say is that she thinks Barcelona was a blast. Wes agrees and he says that he would also like to clear the table. Wes sniffs while she talks. He says, “I haven’t told any of those guys that I have a girlfriend.” She brings up that he will have a career to benefit from being on this show. He says that his manager was the one who suggested that he be on The Bachelorette. Hmm…I thought that last week, his entire fake family said that they nominated him. Liars, all of them, even the mom and stepmom. He explains that he isn’t there just to sell his great records, and that if he wanted to sell his wonderful records and his song, he would’ve left already, because he’s already done that by now. He says that he didn’t kiss her during the day because he was afraid that she would turn her head. Stupid. She’s crying again. She’s asking him how he feels. He says that he’s not here to hurt her, but numero uno is the most important. WHY would he say that? He admits that he spent six years with this person, Laurel. She broke up with him because of their differences (translation: because he told her that he was going to be on The Bachelorette). He says, Well, my girlfriend…Whoops! He doesn’t even try to defend himself. He picks up the date night card. Please tell me that he won’t get any publicity from this. Wes says that he thinks they should spend the night in the fantasy suite. Jillian says, No thanks. Jillian is embarrassed that she didn’t see that he has something to hide. She says that more than anything she feels sorry for him. I hope that when she sends him home, he breaks into song one last time.

Hey, guess what? I don’t care to see Wipe-out, Couples Edition. Or Dating in the Dark. Or Here Come the Newlyweds. Ever. Ernesto has just discovered catnip and passed out on the floor in bliss. As an aside, I found a copy of this vampire series but that one Stephanie woman. I started reading it last night and wondered if there was ever an editor involved, because it doesn’t seem like it.

Why are we even having this Final Rose Ceremony? I wish I would’ve seen what her date was like with Kiptyn. I like Reid the best, but he’s not ready. Ed would be the solid choice even with his evident insomnia.

First rose: Ed. Ed is wearing a green tie. He’s quite tall. She may like Ed best or she may think that he’s too nice. Get on with it! For God’s sake.

Second rose: Reid. He is adorable. Wes says, Congratulations, bro, to Kiptyn. Because he knows it’s not him.

Third rose: Kiptyn. Yes, finally. Wes is wearing another in an endless series of cowboy shirts.

Going home: Wes. I am typing this even before the rose ceremony has begun. When she tells him to go, he will say, Best of luck, darling Wes says that if he gets kicked off, he will be back at home having lots of sex. All of the other guys stare at the ground. What a fucker. He thinks that his show will not only get him a record deal but also tons of poon-tang. He might be right.

Now I’m back to real time to see if Wes calls her darling. She asks him if she can walk him out. He rejects her kind of by saying goodbye to the guys as well as “Enjoy, enjoy!” Bastard. They are still holding hands. She now knows that she made the right decision. He can’t even look her in the eye. He says, You take care sweetie. (Darn, not darlin’). The bad boy is definitely gone. He blows her a kiss. She shot me down. First guy ever on The Bachleorette to make it to the gop four with a girlfriend. He admits it. He says, My acting days are over. This is just another bump. Going back home because he wants to see his dog and his band. And tonight, he is in Spain and he’s going to go out tonight and get laid in Spain and everybody’s going to know my name (he sings, finally). Maybe he’ll get run over by a bull.

Next week previews: (can you believe I typed this much from only watching one hour? Imagine what it would be like if I saw the whole two hours). They are going to Hawaii. She jumps in the water with someone. She goes on some rocks with someone. She stands on a mountain with someone. A bridge. A leap of faith. A meadow. A sailboat. Many strawberries are being eaten. Stop talking about missing the hometown date with Ed. She will get her heart broken somehow. I wonder if the producers hated Wes as much as we all do?