Brain Turning to Mush

My mother has strenuously warned me against watching The Bachelorette ever again, because she thinks it's making me stupid. I can't in good conscious disagree. However, here we are once more. I'm delaying turning on the TV, because I don't know if I can actually write about the show for an entire two hours without permanent brain damage.

Okay, here we go. First, we see Kiptyn, looking as though he's channeling a young Indiana Jones in a leather jacket (in Hawaii?) and a perma five o'clock shadow, though his ears remind me of the movie Dumbo. Julienne Carrot has decided to take the overnight dream date because she is falling in love with the real Indiana Jones.

And now Reid enters in white sneakers; the one she's trying to pressure into asking her to marry her after three dates. She won't stop asking him if he likes her, if he wants to "go" with her. It's irritating. He's clearly going to be the one to "break her heart." What they've done: ridden in a helicopter flown by an ordained minister who can marry them, had a picnic on a ridge where Jolene asks him if he could see himself marrying her, and then walked on some rocks where Joolian wonders aloud how he would feel is she were to threaten to throw herself down into the rushing water if he doesn't agree to marry her.

(One thing that's great about the fact that this show has five minutes of commercials at every break is that it allows me to make dinner, wash the dishes, and dye my hair in the meantime without missing a moment of fake reality).

Now they're at their dinner and Julie is again asking Reid if he would like to propose to her in a few minutes or at the end of the show. He back pedals and front pedals and looks over her shoulder to see if maybe there's a motorcycle that can take him away from her in a jiffy. Word on the street is that Reid is gay in real life. I have good sources, because he is from Philly and I live in Philly and so I know peeps.

She asks him if he would mind going to the fantasy suite and talk about getting married. He is pretending to think that he could be falling in love with her. He says that he has serious feelings for her and he likes her and he could be in love with her and he could try to say he loves her or her brother if she has one who looks exactly like her except has a penis (sorry, mother). Now they are in a gigantic bubble bath with bubbles that look as though they could envelope and kill them. They are kissing and blowing bubbles out of each other's noses in the most beautiful and soapy fantasy suite episode ever.

And now here comes Ed, the guy she should like, but who she will likely reject because he's too nice and wearing a wife beater. At least he's not also wearing a necklace and his chest hair seems to be under control. They are on a sailboat called Trilogy (is this the show being ironic because she must choose from three guys? Quite unlikely). The producers must tell her what questions to ask, because she has the same script for each one individually, based on their respective Achilles heels. For Ed: "Did you miss me? Do you think it's bad that I haven't met your family? Do you wish we had had time with your mom and dad? Do you think I'm pretty? Would you like to get married to me? Do you like my accent? It takes balls for you to admit that."

Underwater shot of them having sex. He may drown. Oh, conveniently, they can swim to some rocks and have a few kisses and then jump into the water again. I'm glad Jolin hasn't had a boob job. Ed pictures himself with Joly forever and ever. This is why she will send him home at the end of the show. Here comes the surprise that's not a surprise because we saw in the previews: he's going to let her meet his parents. He's supposedly flown them in to meet her when really we know that the show came up with it.

Ed's parents are fine, not unusual or particularly interesting. Dad has a moustache and a big round face and small round glasses. He's cute, but if Ed turns out like him, that would be bad. Jolly gets a few minutes with mom, who definitely sounds like she's from the Midwest. Jillian can't stop calling the mom by her first name. You know, Judy, I was so happy to meet your son and he's a nice tall glass of water. Dad is very concerned that Ed has come back on this show. He drinks beer. He said, What the hell is going on here, son? Dad's moustache is white in the middle and black on the other two sides. I've never seen anything like it in my life. Ed likens asking someone to marry him as "having to pull the trigger." Don't pick Ed. I feel like Ed probably wears glasses in real life. He looks as though his eyes are hurting him. Here comes dad to talk to Jaly. Dad is pretending to grill Jol he says that "he's never seen Ed put his feelings on his shirt sleeve like this." He's almost crying. His glasses have turned into sunglasses, but we can still see the glimmer of tears. Ed is wearing short shorts and I think he too may be gay. Will they spend the night in the fantasy suite. Of course they will. He is one of those guys who puts his hand on her face when kissing. Points for Ed. However, I bet the directors told him to do that too.

Coming up: Ed is unable to get an erection. Really? Are they really going to go there? WHY?

Here's what Ed says about Joilien, "She is smoking hot. She is great. She is so hot! What does she see in me?" Why are we getting a sneak peek of Ed rubbing hot oil lotion on Jouly? We never get an inside look like that on the show. Is it because he won't be able to get it up? More importantly, aren't they ruining the bed sheets? Lights out. Lights back on. She says that she feels like that love was there, but that the passion wasn't, because he couldn't get it up. Stupid. He says that he was really nervous and he feels like that effected him down there. He goes to sit on the porch and attempt to think about girls in Catholic school uniforms to give see if he can bring anything to life. Nope. Guess what Ed? You're going home to years of endless ridicule for friends, family, and strangers. Hope your 14 minutes (12 minutes of which were commercials) of fame was worth it.

I won't even bother with the recap of the dates that Jellyin had. We saw-l it already. She'll definitely keep Reid, who can't stop saying "definitely." He definitely might like her or not. She "lerves" him (see: Annie Hall). Ed is a goner. First of all, because he calls her "Jill." Secondly, because he can't stop using cliches (you have made me a better man, I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level, a rolling stone gathers no moss, I would love an opportunity to try to get it up one more time, please, I love you). Thirdly, because the shirt he's wearing still has the Gap sale tag on it. He's going home.

This is the hardest decision she's ever had to make since the last five times that it was the hardest decision that she's ever had to make since the previous five times before that. At the rose ceremony, Jillian asks Ed if they can talk for a second. What is she going to do? Show him pictures of naked girls, guys, animals, to see what effect it might have on him. She says that she knows that there's been a lot of pressure on this whole situation but she does have concerns, He has most of the qualities with a person except for the sexual attraction. Is that a problem? She wonders if it was the sunburn that got in the way. She wants to ask him about that. He unfortunately says that he's having a hard time adjusting. He asks her to trust him and that he does not have erection problems. He tells her that she can feel his crotch if she likes. She may still kick him off. Kiptyn still has the five o'clock shadow. He's cute and worried; looks a lot like a springer spaniel.

First rose: Will go to Reid. I know. Hurry UP. This takes forever. Why is Ed wearing a lavender jacket two sizes too big for him? Is his job in the Mafia? Is that why he's under so much pressure. No kidding! She picked Kiptyn first. Hard to believe. I will be shocked if she kicks Reid off. But she would be such a jerk for getting rid of Ed after he promised to take Viagra. He swears that he will.

Second rose: ?????? Will be Reid. Pausseeee. Pause. Pause. Pause. OMG, she's getting rid of Reid. I am so proud of her. She knows that he's not ready for her.

Tragically going home: Reid who couldn't agree to marry her after 3 dates. What will he say. She's crying, of course. He says, I hope you made the right move. I don't know if you're completely sure, but...She says, She doesn't know how sure she's supposed to be. She says that she likes how goofy and fun and funny he is and the connection, but she guess she worries that we're at different places in our life, and he doesn't seem like he's willing to take that chance with her. Can he face up to it. He says he should've open up sooner. He said he didn't give her all the signs she needed to have, but it's shame because he should have. He didn't because he didn't feel it. Just fess up to that, dude. That is the noble thing to do. If he could find the words right now, she would probably change her mind. He can't. He doesn't have the courage. What will he say on the limo ride. They hug for the 50th time. She's going to regret it, but he probably won't, since he didn't really seem to care all that much.

In the limo: he says nothing. He's in shock and Will not play the producers game anymore. She's crying more. Her mascara is hardly running. It's a really good mascara and likely advertised on this show. He says, I wish I could've opened up to her the way he should've. It's definitely a tough and surprising moment. Maybe I screwed myself, he says. I definitely could've seen myself with her and I can definitely say that I was possibly definitely almost falling in love with her. He says he really thinks the whole thing was his fault, even though he was actually being perfectly reasonable about the whole thing. He doesn't see her with the other two guys. God, this limo ride won't end. He says it would've been a lot easier if he had told her that he loved her. He thinks that he fucked up and if he could reverse things, he would.

Next week: Possibly the season finale, or possibly not. Oh, right, no, it's the reunion show we won't want to miss, The Men Tell All. Joluwn shares her thoughts. Jason and Molly are back to show how much they are still dating. Wild weekend in Vegas with the bachelors and bachelorettes from season past.

Why does she have to decide on one of them? If I were her, I'd be like, Hey, let's just keep dating, all of us.

Comments

Jenn Bing said…
Great Blog Aimee! You are hilarious.

UMMM, I agree with your mom. Every Tuesday Morning wake up and feel slightly dumber... ;-(

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