But Call Me Betsy

Did you drink enough Gatorade? Do you have a power bar? Crack? Did they have to time this last show with daylight's savings when we all got up at 5:30 this morning instead of 6:30? The previews promise tons of tears mostly by Chris and a promise that the entire country will be talking about the shocking turn of events that will be taking place. What could that be? One of women is transgender? One of them is already married? One of them made up the whole story about being a fertility nurse? I mean, really, there are a finite number of options. He picks one or the other or he picks neither. My favorite ending would be if he picks one and she says, Naw! That has never happened. The women never pick; they always get picked. Whitley is first. Everything about her seems phony--but only like sort of phony--like generic phony. And she won't stop talking and she is wearing a giant gold necklace. Oh, dear, she won them all over with her heartfelt toast where she said something about fa...

From the previews, it seems clear that there will be lots of pained facial expressions and mascara running during this marathon episode. Kelsey wears bright green, Britley puts on serious Mac dark lipstick and crazy girl looks hot as all get out in her silver sparkly shirt. All will be superficially revealed. Chris is going to a party with a bunch of women who may or may not all be his ex-girlfriends. They are all wearing straw cowboy hats. Is this him showing up at random Bachelor parties? How odd. We jump right in with a flashback of Carly saying mean things about Britley. All the girls attack her because she is so fricking beautiful. She is not an ugly crier even. This is why the episode isn't at all interesting--because it's just a bunch of shouting and women trying to get air time. Carly points out that Britley would say one thing to them and then another to Chris. Brit delicately suggests that Carly is demonizing her because she's jealous. I am proud of her for usi...

I mean, that's my guess. Baby voice can make it work wherever she happens to lives as we discussed in last week's post (see: animal husbandry). Becca, nee Doll Teeth, however, may not be able to transition (though I forget her job) and Kaitlan is too urban to be a farm girl. Here are the questions of the night--will he send the virgin home? Will a monkey in Bali poop on Chris' shirt, with hilarity ensuing? Will they confront the poverty of this country or just bask in its ethnicity because of how colorful it is? Chris contemplates the sunset while sitting on a rock, as in the distance, a poor man pulls rice with a basket on his back. Kaitlan arrives first and wraps her legs around him because she's tiny. Oh, okay, yes, they will be exploiting the culture fully--they are now carrying their own baskets on their heads and Chris wears a turban. It is possible that Kaitlan has bad skin covered by three layers of foundation? Her face seems to be melting off. A bit. A mo...

I confess that I could not fathom writing through three hours of The Bachelor last night and so did not find out what happened on the Chris Tell All show or the episode that followed, though I can surmise that it went something like this: recap, recap, bland banter with the host, softball questions, recap, montage of Kayla acting crazy, no real discussion of PTSD or mental illness or whatever else was going on with her, Chris sweating, recap, and previews of the upcoming show. Here is a photo of some folks who live in Arlington, Iowa, where Chris is from. They are not actors. Okay, I just read some bloggers and I guess Sparkly Britt is still on the show, though Chris may be catching on to the fact that she might not to want to wait tables at the non-existent local diner, hoping to get discovered when maybe Steven Speildberg drives by scouting a location for his next sci fi extravaganza. Are they still in Iowa or are they in Hollywood? Wait, he has a loft in--what? Soho? He tak...

Now, where were we? I believe we left at a cliff hanger (or Clift Hanger, as I am inclined to write), where Daisy Buchanan has feigned a faint and Chris, sweat streaming down his broad American face in salty rivers, has had to step away from the room to gather himself. The paramedics are on hand every second I guess in case anyone has a ruptured breast implant or chokes on wine/whine or whatever. What is wrong with Kelsey? She ate a brownie with a nut? She asks to speak to Chris and wants to make sure that he's not going to not give her a rose. Eyelashes is on to her and thinks that she may be lying about the husband. Brilliant, Eyelashes! Rose Ceremony: Carly and Britta are safe. None of the women want Kelsey to get the rose because she's a phony. First rose: Jade,  long brown hair. Second rose: Kayla, also brown hair, she's funny and has birds on her arms. Fourth rose: Megan. Blond. Eyelashes is crying because she doesn't have a sad story. Fifth: Somebody blond. The...

That's what the preview guy just said. I think that just means there will be more baby talk and one girl will effectively fake an orgasm (Carly). Why are they painting Daisy Buchanan aka Kelsey as the bad person? I like her. Oh, yeah, except I forgot that the previews reveal that she slips on a banana peel that she threw down herself and has to be rushed to the set of  General Hospital  for pretend ER care. The ladies jump up and down because they are going to Sante Fe, which is either in Old or New Mexico. Each girl appears to require a minimum of 15 bikinis per person. Chris is excited to spend time with these beautiful girls/women in an adobe-style Holiday Inn. Eyelashes wants to prove to Chris that she's a virgin by allowing him to take her virginity on the circular resort bed and then showing the bloodstained sheets to the girls over orange juice the next morning. Carly, the cruise ship operator, gets the first real date and is so stoked by it. She wears her Liz Cl...

And so there were. God, in this case, is ABC and Jesus is Chris. Or Chris is Jesus. At least to all of these women, he appears to be. I hope this week, I am able to save this post so that you can get the minute by minute nonsense, even though I am again only half paying attention due to also taking an online writing class for the first hour. Jimmy Kimmel will be in this episode and the only reason I only kind of like him is because he dated Sarah Silverman. Show starts with ominous music for no reason that I can discern except that JK is there to wake up a gaped mouth Chris, who sleeps on his side with his hand under his head like a little baby. I am again struck by the fact that he has a large body, possibly one which will run to fat if he eats too much corn. Maybe JK is on the show to provide some actual humor which is largely non-existent most of the time, except for the 30 seconds of bloopers they sometimes show at the very end. I wonder how many of these women have no ...

After an hour and twenty minutes of pithy yet intelligent, funny yet revealing, crass yet delicate writing about The Bachelor , my entire blog post vanished into the autumn mist. You get this instead, because I can't bear to go through it from the beginning.

OMG, everyone, I'm so excited to be about to begin this journey of clichés and roses. And guess what? This particular episode is three hours long. And I do not still know how to add images easily, so it will be all text. AND I am also multi-tasking because I signed up for an online writing class and it runs from 8 to 9, so I may not be able to comment on every single awkward yet not actually funny moment. I do like Chris though because he's from Iowa. Lots of male models originate in the Midwest, a little known fact that I just made up. ABC is really raising the stakes this time. Having finally realized after 42 seasons of a show that draws millions of viewers but costs very little to make, they've decided to subject us to three hours of previews and flashbacks. They're accomplishing this by making Chris sift through 30 crazy women instead of 20 and eliminating however many. QQ: If this is a live show, how is it that Chris the host already knows that this will th...