Monday, March 9, 2015

3 hours of your life that you will never get back

Did you drink enough Gatorade? Do you have a power bar? Crack? Did they have to time this last show with daylight's savings when we all got up at 5:30 this morning instead of 6:30? The previews promise tons of tears mostly by Chris and a promise that the entire country will be talking about the shocking turn of events that will be taking place. What could that be? One of women is transgender? One of them is already married? One of them made up the whole story about being a fertility nurse? I mean, really, there are a finite number of options. He picks one or the other or he picks neither. My favorite ending would be if he picks one and she says, Naw! That has never happened. The women never pick; they always get picked.

Whitley is first. Everything about her seems phony--but only like sort of phony--like generic phony. And she won't stop talking and she is wearing a giant gold necklace. Oh, dear, she won them all over with her heartfelt toast where she said something about family and then asked if she could plug in her curling iron.

I think Chris' brother--in-law is going to be the next bachelor. He reminds me of the last semi-finalist from The Bachelorette--Nick What's His Name. Remember him?



Becca is next and her physical defect (and please keep in mind that both of these women are very beautiful, so this is just me being a jerk) is that her teeth are all the same size and kind of large.The women are physically similar--blond with blue eyes, just like Chris. He is in love with two versions of himself. The part of himself that talks in a baby voice and the other part that can crack a walnut without cracking his teeth.  I like that Becca says that she's not ready to be with him or move her entire life to be with him, even though I suspect the whole thing is scripted for drama. They're making a big deal about how Whitley is totally into him and Becca is less so and how that means he will probably pick her. And then maybe she will say no, or let's wait? Which isn't that weird. What is weird that when she talks, she barely moves her mouth. 

They are either spending a lot of time on this scene between Becca and Chris basically saying the same things over and over again or I have been blacking out and time traveling to other decades and having adventures before returning again to find that only five seconds have passed. 

I just realized that the show isn't really three hours long; it's actually two hours and then an "after the final rose" show. Thank God! 
Whitley loves to wear giant necklaces. She comes to see Chris one last time and he tells her that they're going to go pick corn.They get on a John Deere tractor and her whole life flashes before her in one dismal dead yellowish blur. Should they be picking this in the middle of winter? I'm a farm girl from Nebraska, but I don't really know when harvest season is. I do not think it's in December though. What do the women do? They raise the chirren? 

How will they get him back on the farm after he does Dancing with the Stars?  

Whitley cries too much and makes too many speeches in her Anne Taylor necklaces. Chris asks her what it is about the two of them that makes her so sure that the situation is right. She answers and he is clearly daydreaming about Becca. She says that she can read his mind, and he nods. She cries too much. Her hair is going flat, like Cinderella around midnight. She almost gives him an Eskimo nose kiss. See what I mean by fake-y? Like, an unoriginal fake, a Disney fake. Or like she would never talk shit on anyone, which I also don't respect. 
The women primp, getting ready to be chosen or rejected. Whitley wears a floor length purple dress and Becca wears a red velvet one. Chris and Chris share an awkward embrace as he prepares to not propose to either one of them. They have decorated the interior of his barn with lanterns. Please tell me he is not going to make one of them climb up into the haystack in their heels? Does his dad know they did that to the barn? Fire hazard for sure. 

They really have to go into the barn to be sent home? It's so cold in there that you can see his breath. Becca is first. This is part American Gothic, part horror story. Will pig blood be poured down on her as she leaves? Chris says that he doesn't feel like she's ready, which is what she told him. It would be great if she doesn't shed a tear. They tell each other how incredibly happy they are going to make other people, just not each other. See, this makes me think that he will also send Whitley home. He walks her out through the chicken coop. She sits in the limo and doesn't cry, which is great, though she may also have Asberger's syndrome, which would be sad. She has very little emotional affect. 

Cue noise of horse neighing. Cue trumpets. Cue sound of limo driving down a dusty road and being shot at by the neighbors. Cue the first time Whitley has put her hair up, but yes, she still has two curl tendrils. Cue Whitley going, "Holy cow." I am certain that she used to be in beauty pageants. This entire journey has meant so much to her, to him, to them. She loves him so much, she really does, and she is shaking and he has a slant of sunlight on his face, bringing out the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes.  He says that he loves her and his goatee gets stuck in her hair as he hugs her. She says she doesn't want to ever forget this moment, and here's the weird thing, it is being taped, so she doesn't have to ever forget it, she can watch it for the rest of her life every Saturday while he's out on the combine and she's nursing three babies she made in a test tube. He says he loves her and he proposes, by getting on one knee. As he starts to go down on his knees, she yells, "No!" But I really think she means yes. She says yes, yes, a thousand times yes! 

I will not be re-capping the re-cap from After the Final Rose show. But I will try to get to my blog more, promise.



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