120 Minutes of Recaps and Faux Insights

From the previews, it seems clear that there will be lots of pained facial expressions and mascara running during this marathon episode. Kelsey wears bright green, Britley puts on serious Mac dark lipstick and crazy girl looks hot as all get out in her silver sparkly shirt. All will be superficially revealed. Chris is going to a party with a bunch of women who may or may not all be his ex-girlfriends. They are all wearing straw cowboy hats. Is this him showing up at random Bachelor parties? How odd.
We jump right in with a flashback of Carly saying mean things about Britley. All the girls attack her because she is so fricking beautiful. She is not an ugly crier even. This is why the episode isn't at all interesting--because it's just a bunch of shouting and women trying to get air time. Carly points out that Britley would say one thing to them and then another to Chris. Brit delicately suggests that Carly is demonizing her because she's jealous. I am proud of her for using the word "demonizing." Wait, she is an ugly crier. I do not get why she is so upset.  She will have a new boyfriend in like two days.

Next up is Kelsey aka Daisy Buchanan. Dan says that they are not a good looking couple--her and Chris. Kelsey watches as the girls are scream for joy as she is kicked off the show. The women hate her more than Britley and Eye-ashley can't keep from smirking at everything she says. She is very poised but yes there is something inauthentic about her, as is she believes she is auditioning for a Spanish soap opera.

Now we'll hear from Crazyfunny Ashley who may be addicted to Oxycotin. She seems pretty altered all the time. Or maybe she's an actress paid to go on the program and act like a maniac. She hands him an onion that she said she grew. I honestly do think that she is a comedian who is on here as a hoax. He asks her what she's really like and she says that she likes to ride bikes. She says that she went behind the scenes because was so bored. While all these other girls were crying and carrying on, she wanted to pick a pomegranate. She may be brilliant or she may be a total phony.

Jade goes to talk to Chris and everything was fine until she told him she posed for Playboy and then showed him her vagina online. Perhaps if she hadn't asked him to watch her video and see her naked, he might have been less likely to send her home. Or maybe not. I don't think it matters that she posed for Playboy, but that she might be using this show as a way for more publicity since we are all Googling her photos right now. And her videos. I could find very little people.

Now we have Kaitlin, who was my favorite all along though I was surprised that she made it to the final three. Word on the street is that she will be the next bachelorette. I hope that is true. She says that was blind-sided and her heart was broken. There has never been a show where the dude changed his mind at the last second and went back to their third to last choice?

Chris comes out and must first talk to Brit and explain why he couldn't pick her and I got distracted. I continue to be distracted--sorry--so I will say good night for now. Next week is the final final final final final final final show before the next one.