Monday, October 29, 2007

El Bachelor

Here we are again. Tonight in class, we talked about Katherine Anne Porter's short story, "Old Mortality." I wrote my paper on the wrong story in the series, "Pale Horse, Pale Rider," which I highly recommend. Excuse me for mentioning here that Katherine Anne Porter was the name of the prize my book won. I refrained from dropping it into my commentary during class. I confess I wasn't listening most of the time, was instead trying to read the middle story, "Noon Wine." It ended in suicide. Our teacher managed to tell us about KAP's sex life (she was married four times). The guy whose cell phone rings during class had to present and it wasn't clear if he had read the story or not. Next time, we are going to read As I Lay Dying which I kind of hate. I vaguely remember that it starts with them talking the corpse of the mom across country.

In other news, Emma Carol has decided in the colder weather to plaster herself to me during the night, not allowing any of the other animals on the bed.

Okay, tonight, the Bachelor will be going on four hometown dates. I have no idea how we got this far into the season without me liking at least one of the women. First, we must do a twenty-minute recap and preview before we can watch any of the actual show which is only about four minutes long. Jenni with an i is a from Witchita, Kansas, someone else is from Atlanta, another person is from CA and another is from Mars. First, the date with JennI. BChad loves her still. He's running up the stairs to meet her at the place where she had her very first dance competition. Oh, dear, I think she is going to dance for him. Why does she keep scratching his chest? I hope she sucks at dancing. This is what I do like every day. She's tap-dancing. She's pretending to be embarrassed. Maybe it would be better if she had actual music. She's really not that great. They are now going to meet her mom at her mom's hair salon. What is she wearing? Black shorts and a terrible t-shirt. Turns out that JennI is white trash. They have a hair salon in their dining room. Granny is a pistol. Doesn't look like Granny likes him that much. JennI's sister is trying to get BChad to notice her. I think Granny is drunk. I can't tell if she's German or just really poor. JennI's mom is now washing his hair and putting her boobs on his forehead. She's giving him dandruff. Please, please, please, shave his head. Ths less pretty sister is now curling JennI's hair. Excuse me, but do people say "ya'all" in Kansas? I don't think so. Did we go back in time, because BChad is now negogiating the dowry. Oh, JennI made the team. F BChad. Go be a Phoenix cheerleader. They're making out in the hair salon.

Next date: Sheena and her drunk mom. I think they are in CA. Sheena is not for him. Mom and Dad are on a huge boat. Sheena has slowly surprised him into thinking she's just a tiny bit better than average. They are off on a tube boat ride. Sheena's parents have been married for 25 years. Mom wants to know his sign. He's a Scorpio, and so is Sheena's dad!! Mom is into the stars. Sheena makes sure that BChad knows that she isn't into horoscopes. Mom is ruining it for her daughter by going on about the Big Dipper. I think she must be high and she might be hitting on him too. BChad now hates being there. Sheena can't seem to notice that he doesn't care too much for her.

DeAna is next. It looks like this will be the most fun date since it's a Greek family who loves to drink ouzo. Canton, GA. Oh, horses!! I like DeAna, but why is she bringing him a basket of peaches? He admires who she is. I do like DeAna and her huge Greek family. He seems nice. The sister is cute too. Everyone is wearing red. She's adorable. BChad was born and raised in Atlanta. Dad seems nice; he's very friendly and not obnoxious. Another dowry question to dad. "Do you believe that this could be real?" Oh, crap, she brought out her photo album of her dead mother. I think he might like her. I can't tell. Oh, now the sisters are going to make out. The sister asks what she would do if he doesn't pick her. She says that she'd be extremely sad and thanks sis, for mentioning that possibility. No matter what, you know that mom's going to be watching over you, even though she's dead. They are crying and about to kiss. Here comes the adorable grandpa saying, Let's party! How cute. They are Greek dancing in the living room and doing 400 shots of ouzo. How does he stay sober. Stop yelling OPPA!! Are they going to make out or not. Yes. Again with the hands on her face. She won't go home. It will be between her and JennI.

Next up: Bettina and her snotty family who will tell him that he's a grave disappointment. The disaster date. Bettina weighs about 10 pounds. They are in DC. I wonder if she could have possibly dressed up a little more. She's wearing sweat pants and a tank top. The parents have a lot of money. What is that animal? I can't tell if it's a cat or a dog. Dad is a professor and is disappointed that ChBrad didn't go to college, that he owns four bars and that he has to stay out late every night. Stepmom is kind of a bitch. Dad loves the ex-husband. Stepmom is saying that he can't screw around with other people's hearts. Dad is telling Bettina that there are disadvantages--he doesn't have an education, owns a bar and lives far away. I think ChBrad is going to cry. Bettina just said, by way of making him feel better, Hey, I don't look that good on paper either. He said, Wow, I feel blind-sided. I may not have a college education, but I am smart enough to know better than to judge other people. Why doesn't anybody ever ask their political affiliation? He's probably a Republican.

I am pretty sure that Sheena will be going home and she can thank her mom for that. This is boring.

Okay, the rose ceremony. Three girls will stay and one will go home crying. Maybe Bettina will disqualify herself. I bet that if she doesn't win, she will be on the next Bachelorette.

DeAna is first. She's my favorite.

Second rose goes to JennI. Of course. JennI, will you do a little dance for me and why are you wearing your hair like that?

Third rose will go to Bettina. I bet. Sheena thinks it will be her because the stars said it would be so. Bettina wins. He only picked her because she's the beautifulest.

Sheena will be fine. She's only fourteen. He's walking her out to tell her why he didn't pick her. She's not crying. I can't believe it. She just told him that he looks nice. She's sweet. "I wish I was that guy for you, but I just don't think I am." Now she's crying on his shoulder. She needed a date the senior prom and now she'll have to find someone in her fifth period English class. He had to send her home because he didn't have the chemistry with her that he felt with the others. She is digging her claws into him.

Next week: 1 Bachelor and three women in Cabos San Lucas. The overnight dates!!!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Halloween Approaches

This is the first year in my entire life that I have not worried what costume I would wear. Halloween is on a Wednesday this week and Shawn is not having his traditional Funk N Groove party (not that I would go) and so I have not even contemplated what I would chose as a costume because I don't seem to have any plans. Let's review past costumes:

2004: First Funk N Groove at Shawn's house on Spruce Street. I think I stole Jodie's idea and went as "Miss Fortune;" a beauty contestant with a black eye and a dress with car tire tracks on the skirt. Luke was there as a ladybug.

2005: Second Funk N Groove at our apartment on 6th Street. I was a mermaid in a pink wig. My work friend, Karen, helped me put together the scales. I wore a fish net on my head. It sounded good theoretically, but didn't turn out to be that hot. Elizabeth showed up dressed as a kid in pajamas. How fucking lame. She had designs on him even then. Shawn was a hip hop Jesus.

2006: Third Funk N Groove. I know that Shawn was a Ken doll, but I don't recall what my costume was. Probably something ghastly. I seem to remember that I wore a black wig.

2005: State College at Jess and Erica's house. It was an 80's theme. I went as a blood-stained nurse in the hematology department from Saint Elsewhere. Liz was Tootsie and looked scarily like the character. Jodie showed up as a Smerf.

2004: State College again at Jess and Erica's house. I dressed as a raven, an idea I stole from Martha Stewart's Living. Really cute costume with a black knit hat and feathers.

2003: State College, Jess again. I went as Laura Ingalls Wilder. Pete Groff was there too, dressed as some guy from the 1950s.

2002: Jess. Probably my favorite costume in recent history. I went as a liberated 50s housewife; meaning that I wore a dress and an apron and pearls and had my entire costume coated in blood (to imply that the woman had murdered her husband).
This year, I think I will go as a cat. Or a bunny. Or a bunny cat.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Public Displays of Emotion

I saw a girl on the subway on Sunday who was crying. She was in her early twenties, blond, vaguely pretty and miserable. She had tears on her neck even. She was staring out the window, watching the different stops streak by, thinking whatever she was thinking and trying to hold it together. I imagined her finally getting home and throwing herself on the bed and sobbing, sobbing. I realized that I do not carry Kleenexes and maybe I should. You never know when you're going to have to hand someone a tissue to wipe away tears or blood or other assorted bodily fluids. I scanned my brain to see if there were something I could or should do to make her feel better, but then I put myself in her place and realized it would be worse to have a stranger slip her a note reading, "It will all be okay." Because maybe it won't all be okay. She didn't seem in shock--so, it didn't seem like she'd gotten news of some one's death, she just seemed sad, in a my-partner-broke-up-with-me or a I-just-dropped-my-best-friend-off-at-the-airport way. How do you comfort someone you don't know?

Got two copies of Cimmaron Review in the mail today. They published my story "Wanted." I haven't read it in awhile and found in the re-reading that it's not all that good. I feel like I have two writers in me. One can be glib and clever and make tons of pop culture references and the other is less surfacey, more real, but also more sentimental, which scares me. We read D.H. Lawrence's short novel, "The Fox" this week in my grad class. Lawrence has no problem writing purple prose, but he does it so well. Would I ever dare to do that or will I always constantly be standing outside myself, sneering at any attempt to move beyond what's easy for me to write? I've been sort of working on this story...Can't decide what age the narrator should be. Here's a little bit of it:

Evie remembered sitting in church as a child surrounded by adults; a mother who had explained carefully that the Easter Bunny didn't exist. Nor did the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus. No Rudolph, no fat white jolly man vaporizing magically under their door (they lived in a one-story, flat-roofed ranch house in Florida where chimneys were unheard of), no sled to be seen in silhouette against the full yellow moon on Christmas Eve. She regretted the loss of the flying reindeer the most. And yet, this same mother, the crusher of fairy tales, managed every Sunday to put on a dress and sit in the same pew in church, listening to the priest recite the Hail Mary, standing to sing the hymns with the same enthusiasm she brought to household chores; a sort of upbeat martyrdom. This same mother would not back off from what Evie saw as the magic in the Bible or the Friday night horror movie elements of Jesus rising zombie-like from the dead. Jesus was creepy. As a child, she had nightmares about him. Her grandmother kept crucified Jesus's all around her house. He would pop-up in unexpected places, on the back of the bathroom door, above the oven, atop the TV in the living room. Jesus appeared everywhere with his gaunt, bleeding body and embarrassing near-nakedness with his uplifted, sorrowful eyes. But even when Jesus was not in varying postures of torture, he never quite seemed happy. You never saw a drawing of Jesus smiling. No picture ever showed his teeth. Where were Jesus' teeth? Even in his baby pictures, he appeared solemn, unhappy, or at the very least, tragically serious. Evie would look around the church, at all of these adults who believed in the magic of the parting of the Red Sea, the turning of water into wine, the raising of the dead, the multiplying of loaves of bread. She waited for one of them to point out what was obvious to her. That none of this was real. That Santa Claus was far better. But no one ever did.

Now that I type it, I don't like it so much. Must work on my donation story. It could be good, if I could get rid of all the dead baby stories and if I could make the boyfriend more sympathetic. I like the title, "Your Entire Heart." I seem to be obsessed with hearts; they're in all of my stories.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I Will Let It Go to My Head

My book has arrived at the publisher’s and I have decided that I want to be famous and I also want to be a terrifically bad famous person. I want to forget all my friends, talk incessantly about my brilliance, interrupt people to quote my stories, and refer to myself in the third person. All of you bitches better buy my book because for every book sold, I get one cent (or something like that) and as those of you closest to me know, I am trying to save as many pennies as I can so that I can have one dollar. That’s 100 hundred books, people! If you want to help me out even more, you can write a gushing review of the book on You don’t even have to read it, just say nice, innocuous things like “the best book I have ever read in my entire life and I have read a shitload of books.” Is it too much to ask to want to be discovered? To want to have the book made into a movie starring me? Why oh why didn’t I include more love scenes in my stories so that when it’s made into a film version (starring me, don’t forget), the character must make out with the likes of…I don’t know who I would want.

Speaking of wanting to be famous, it’s time for The Bachelor, Part 876. ChBrad and six women! I didn’t write last week because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. McCarten went home and so did Jade and guess what, the girl from Philadelphia is going to have a melt-down this week (the entire show is in the previews). Here is Chris, the host, wearing Greg Brady’s favorite shirt.

I don’t know why we’re even going through this whole thing because he’s in love with Jenni with an “i.” I think Bettina is cute, but he won’t pick her because she’s had a divorce and he’s a Republican and because she has the name of a tiny, tiny mouse. “I want to kiss this woman, so if the time is right, we’ll see how she reacts.” Bettina tells the camera that she likes to play games and be mysterious. He’s not really listening; he just wants her to take off her jacket so he can check out her boobs.

Meanwhile, back at the Bitch House, a bunch of the girls are jumping up and down because they get to go to a pool party!!!! Actually, they hate each other and hate the one girl who gets the one-on-one date.

ChBrad tells Bettina that she is drop dead gorgeous and perfect. Now they are in a gondola. He asks her if she’s nervous or if she’s comfortable in this tiny boat with a gigantic cameraman rocking the equilibrium. She kisses him on the cheek and he kisses her back but only on the cheek. He is pretending that he’s not going to kiss her on the mouth because he respects her and wants to listen to her (even though she has nothing to say) when really, he just wishes Jenni with an “i” where with him performing back handstands into the water.

Now, he’s at the pool party trying to tell the Crying Girl, Hillary, that he doesn’t think she’s that great and she hears instead, “I think ChBrad feels a great chemistry with me.” Now he’s talking to DeAna and picking his toenails. She’s trying to figure out how to get him to kiss her. God, I kind of hate Jenni with an “i” because she laughs too much and he’s going to make out with her and all the other girls have not been kissed. “Some very real emotions have developed between me and these girls.” Wow.

Okay, here is the one-on-one date with Sheena, warrior Internet marketing princess. Why does she talk like that? Like she’s just inhaled helium. She gets to chose from one of six identical gowns. God, he can’t stop sweating. She’s going to trip. We saw this already. Oh, damn, she fell. Can she recover? Can she stop hugging him and squealing. They are being forced to walk through a field of balloons. He just gave her diamond earrings and she said, Holy cow and then he petted her head. She is pretty. Does she get to keep them or what? I wish they would start popping the balloons. If he doesn’t kiss her, then she can say good-bye to the home-town dates. ChBrad wants to know why Sheena doesn’t have a boyfriend and she tells him it’s because she’s incredibly picky and incredibly shy. He’s telling her that he is as real as he can be with everyone on TV and that he sometimes stutters over the cue cards. Oh, god, she’s hugging him again. Now they are dancing by the pool with the orchestra playing and now he’s kissing her. They always kiss the girls by putting their entire hands on their face; he’s doing it because he’s imagining she’s Jenni with an “i.”

I missed a few scenes because I got distracted with something else (cats). Not much happened anyway, except for ChBrad tried to tell Hillary that he thinks they can be bff’s but that’s it and she responded with, “I know! I know exactly what you mean, I feel like we can be friends and lovers and friends and bride and groom and friends!” He has to say goodbye to Sheena and Hillary, and I wish he would keep Christa, but he won’t. Hillary has no idea what’s coming. I hate Jenni with an “i” and I wish she were not wearing that stupid black headband.

First rose goes to: DeAna. He gets to go to her hometown and make out with her in the living room.

Second rose goes to: Jenni. Like, no duh.

Third rose goes to: Sheena, for real??? That means that the fourth rose will be Bettina and the other two will go home.

Hillary will likely step forward to grab the rose after her name is not called. Hillary is losing it. She is rolling her eyes to the ceiling to keep from imploding. Hillary and Christi must say their goodbyes. Christi knew she wasn’t going to be chosen. Hillary is slobbering all over everyone. She is hugging Brad and will not let go. That sucked. Okay, now she’s going hysterical. They made this seem like she was going to go nutso. She’s not really going nutso. She’s just crying like a normal person. I wish she would stop saying how much everything sucks. Aw, he’s sweet. He said that he thinks she’s one-in-a-million. Most of the Bachelor’s never come out and say they’re sorry. They’re toasting to families. I think he feels somewhat terrible. Me too.

Friday, October 19, 2007

So Sorry

I have been a bad blogger lately for personal reasons. And yet, the funny thing is that my life goes on whether you can read about it or not. I have developed a new superstition. The quality of the rest of my day is now determined solely by the number of cats I see resting in windows on my way to work. On Thursday, I saw about five lazy cats of varying colors, just hanging out in South Philly windows, waiting to bless my day. Today, I saw exactly no cats. It's funny how random these things are; how desperate I am at this point in my life to find some sense or meaning that I will let these things determine my mood. It's ridiculous how I consider myself an athesit and yet adhere to all this magical thinking.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

IKEA or Life in Hell

Visited IKEA today in order to find a wardrobe and/or hanging rack upon which to hang my many thrift store clothes. Walked out with about 5 things I don't need, including a kitty bed in the shape of a kitty (only $6.99!!). I resisted many other things, including candles which I've decided are a total waste of money. It's not like a hold a ton of seances or anything or have bubble baths with candles--I'm too nervous about the shower curtain catching on fire.

Will be going to dinner at a byob tonight. I need it. I have to do something fun and I have to be around people who think I'm the greatest. Have been doing better this weekend, especially since reading The Metamorphosis, surprisingly. I've learned from the introduction that it's somewhat a response to the suckiness of work and modernity (at least according to Jason Baker, the intros author). Here's a quote from the story:

Why was Gregor condemned to serve at a firm where the smallest infraction was seized upon with the gravest suspicion; was each and every employee a scoundrel; was there no loyal and dedicated man serving them who, having spent several hours of the morning not devoted to the firm, might become so overcome by pangs of remorse as to be actually unable to get out of bed? (11-12).

Tomorrow, I will likely wake up in the form of a cockroach ala the story and Emma will not hesitate to eat me up.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

A Quick Way to Lose Weight! Act Now!

Hey, ladies and gentlemen! Are you tired of diets that don't work? Exercise plans involving huge inflatable balls that you never end up using and which just deflate and clutter up your living space? Have you tried everything from hypnosis to shock therapy to cutting off one of your legs, just to shake that extra ten pounds? Well, there's a new weight loss program that is guaranteed to leave you without an appetite for days on end. You'll find that the thought of eating has no allure and you will have absolutely no appetite. How does this work? Simply throw yourself into a highly stressful situation where you can imagine yourself homeless, jobless and friendless at any moment. I promise you that you will drop the pounds without even noticing. The drawbacks: headaches, stomach-aches, loss of sleep, de ja vu, inability to have any other facial expression except fear. Try it today and be skinny tomorrow!

Monday, October 8, 2007

The Bachelor Once Again

Before the show starts, I have to mention the best episode of Clean House that I saw last night. Clean House is the show where a bunch of not well-known comedians go into someone's wreck of a home, force them to get rid of all of their crap, sell it at a yard sale and then use the money to make the house livable. Every single show I've seen ends with the family being so happy that they don't have to live with boxes and boxes of Mickey Mouse paraphernalia, china dolls, jars of old food, piles of clothes and general garbage. Last night, they episode ended in tragedy when the mom flipped out and started crying and saying she was going to throw up because the walls were greenish and the sofa was green and all of her shit was gone. She had a total meltdown. It was the best.

Okay, and now, on to more important things...Who will get the most drunk on The Bachelor and how many times will the word "connection" be used and how many random women will he make out? I hope lots! Once again, most of the show will consist of showing what already happened and what's going to happen. Oh, horrifying, they are going to the circus. Look out, Jess, there will be clowns. More than usual, that is. The emcee announces that there will be two group dates and a couple of one on ones, I guess. I still don't recognize any of them except for DeAnna and the big-chested Christian ho.

Group date: they're petting this elephant (loads of shots of the phallic looking trunk) and are now being ushered into the Ringling Brothers circus ring where they will be forced to walk on the tight-rope and eat fire. Please let someone break her nose. This is the worst date ever, loads of clowns. He loves Jenni because she can do a triple back bend somersault hop and ended up in the shape of a pretzel. Jenni is kind of adorable and she at least told him that she wants to spend a year apart from him to finish her dancing troupe. Tears from this one girl while talking about her dad. Stupid. Her longest relationship was with some guy in high school and she hasn't had a boyfriend for five years. She's gone. Bye, Stephy!!

More previews. You guys won't believe this, but they are bringing in his identical twin who does not look like him at all.

Okay, now they are watching the jugglers ("connection" was used again) and Brad will have to give out one of the final roses on the date in front of everyone. Hillary got the one on one date with Brad and all the girls are pretending to be thrilled for her. God, there are so many clowns that I might vomit and now the Bachelorettes and being forced to wear huge condoms on their heads and dance as part of the show. I guess this is better than Cirque Des Soleilel Sun Tan Lotion which is creepy. I am wrong again. Stephy who hasn't had a boyfriend in four hundred years and looks like an uglier Ally Sheedy got the rose. Three people just died as they were shot out of a cannon.

The one-on-one date with horsey face Hillary from Philadelphia. Just like in Pretty Woman, he's letting her borrow a million dollar emerald and diamond necklace. Now she will have to give him some. He's taking her on a jet to San Francisco. She just can't believe how awesome everything is! I wonder who decided she should wear a black patent leather belt with her sequined gown? Oh, God, she's going to cry and her eyelids are closing and sticking together. She ruined it. I say that and it means she will probably end up marrying him.Oh, god, she won't stop crying. "I do want to give my heart to someone and I do want to get married. I really didn't expect to meet someone like you." She is a wreck. Don't cry on your date! She's crying and then laughing and then crying and snot is running down her face. I don't think he knows what to do. She needs to go to the bathroom and pull her shit together. Oh, he's giving her the other rose and lying about the fact that he thinks it's great that she's a wreck. Now he's making her a hot fudge sundae and she's going to eat it and then go throw it up. God, they're doing that audible mouth kiss that I cannot stand!! You don't need to make smacking noises when you kiss! Get yourself some chap stick or something.

Second group date: A pirate ship! Who will walk the plank and who will go home broken-hearted? (Bettina just said "connection"). Kristy is cute, but we haven't seen much of her, she's pretending to steer the ship. He looks terrible in the open air (Now what's her face just said "connection"). That's four so far. Okay, now they are dancing and Solisa is grinding on Brad ("connection") in her really bad denim skirt. Omigod, they just said, "Fire in the hole!" and shot off a cannon. Hmm...). Now Sheena is riding on a wave runner and is being pulled over by the
Coast Guard because she sprayed Brad in the face with sea foam. Bettina has admitted to the camera that she's in love with Brad, that she fell in love with him on a wave runner. Oops, she just confessed that she was married before. He's shocked. He's never heard of divorce before. They don't do that in Texas. Please give her the rose anyway, otherwise, you are a jerk! He gave it to Kristy because she piloted the boat for him. Does he know that she wasn't really steering?

You're kidding me, right? Brad's not at all-look-alike brother is named Chad. Brad and Chad? Are you joking? Chad is a dick. "What's shaking, man? What's going on?" Seriously, he does not look like him. Now Brad is he pretending to spring this brilliant, Scooby-Doo idea on his bro, asking Chad to do him a huge favor, a favor that Chad did not expect at all, even though he just happens to be wearing the same exact clothes--same suit, same tie, same cheesy Party of Five facial hair. Maybe they always wear the same clothes. I guess if you were drunk enough, you might think it's him. Chad/Brad/Chad/Brad, just like Chuck and Buck (great movie). Stop calling them, "these ladies!" I might like Chad better. He actually knows the women's names, unlike BChad. But Brad wants to know if the women are really there for him and if they have memorized his hair pattern. Meanwhile, Brad will be watching the interaction on the video screen. Strike one for McCarten b/c she doesn't notice anything different. Now this other girl is not noticing him being different either. The blond girl (Sheena. There's no way she's going to stay because she gets pretty much no air time, but she's cute) is noticing that it's not him. She recognizes that he doesn't have the same tuft of hair by his ear...Here's Kristy. She's suspicious. She gets it right away. "You are not Brad. You are a twin." Bettina gets it, she notices that he's a twin. I guess those other girls get it (DeAnna and Stephy)...Now he's going to see Sarah, and I don't think she's going to notice. She didn't. Sarah is gone. Too bad because she is a dead ringer for Winnie from the Wonder Years (with boobs). We didn't get to see what Solisa (the slutty Christian) and Jenni (the Phoenix dancer) thought.

The Rose Ceremony: "This is the toughest decision, blah, blah, blah." He will have to say goodbye to three of the women and it's so hard because he cares about each one of these ladies. Ladies, ladies, ladies. Blather, something now about he loves and wishes to have sex with each and every one of them and maybe even a bunch of them at once. He's just going to go with his heart.

First rose: Sheena!!! She's my new favorite. She's adorable. She's so understated.

Second rose: McCarten. You're kidding me. She has the smallest face ever and she didn't recognize him at all.

3rd Jenni: Of course. He loves her.

4th: Jade. What? She looks fat in this dress, I'm sorry to say.

5th: DeAnna. Of course again. I like her too. She seems calm.

6th: Oh, wait, this is the final rose! Give it to Bettina, bastard. She's great. Oh, good, he did! Bye bye Sarah and Solisa the Christian and some other girl.

Sarah is leaving and she's trying to rationalize why he sent her home. She's at least not crying. Solisa wears her special parts on the outside, like her boobs and her ass. Lindsey whose belly button is showing through her dress refuses to cry but she's crying. She has a hard face. At least she has her yellow bag with her.

Next week: Love is in the air. He loves Jenni and the other girls don't like it. They have to go on the improv on the next show and Bettina says she's in love with him. What would be even better is if he had a third non-identical brother!

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

My High School Grad Class

Our next story is Joyce's "The Dead," which I stayed up reading until midnight. I will have to ask Padhraig what it all means, seeing as he's a Mick and all.

Our teacher leads the class as though we are in AP 11th grade English. For one thing, you can find all of our books on any high school syllabus (Heart of Darkness, Daisy Miller, The Awakening) and our conversations in class (I would use the word "discourse" if this were a graduate class) are stilted, in part because the teacher doesn't really want us to talk, she wants us to listen to her dramatic pronouncement about vibrators and the sex life of Edith Wharton. I don't dislike her, but I am not learning anything (except how to pronouce the word "phlegm" correctly) and in our last class, she wrote words on the board to help our little talk. I can't remember what they were because I was refusing to take notes and instead doodling pictures of angry faces in the margins of my notebook and writing notes to my bff to pass after study hall. One thing our teacher did that I wish I had done when I was teaching--whenever someone said something like, I just thought Ehtan Frome was such a wimp! Why didn't he just leave his wife? She would say, "I see. But that means that you wanted Edith Wharton to write a different book. Is that what you would have preferred? That she had written a book where the main character defied every reality the writer set up and ran off into the sunset?" She's a New Critic and would prefer to deal just with the text and also to tell us stories about Edith Wharton had a bisexual lover and wrote incestual pornography on the side.

We are in countdown mode until Friday night's gala extravaganza. I tried on my dress again last night with the high black heels I bought and took mincing steps around the bedroom. I will just have to lean and take little baby steps like someone who has had her feet bound. I can't decide if the dress makes me look like I just threw on a slip and ran out into the night or not. It's black silk, ankle length with straps. It cost $16 at the consignment shop. The strapless bra and shoes were each $50. My haircut was $17. The tiny pads for my shoes came to $5.99. The doctor bill for when I twist my ankle will likely be reasonable because my health insurance is pretty good.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Triple XXX Rated Blog

I suppose I could take this blog in an entirely new direction and start writing just about my adventures, though it would quickly get boring except for those who participated. Or I could make The Adventures of City Girl to a more scintillating level, but I'm not sure how long I could keep that up before it got ridiculous. I should clarify that I don't currently work with the aforementioned person--he's a man from my past who has recently resurfaced as a single dude with an open mind. And that's probably all I should say about any of this as I don't want to start getting side-long glances from my co-workers or have someone give me some unsolicited advice in the rest room. (P.S. He consented that the blog post was okay, not great. That it could possibly earn me a platonic back rub, but that's it. Unless I prostitute myself further and write more. But I am not that kind of girl. I will not prostitute myself in public, only in private and for a very high fee plus dinner. Hi, Mom!)

And, anyway, The Bachelor, Part IVII is on. This show would be over in about fifteen minutes if they just cut out all of the recaps and the "coming-up!!" clips. Today, we find out who gets to go out on a one-on-one date with Brad, the Yellow Hunk of Texas. Our host, Chris, is wearing the dumbest blue and white striped shirt, he looks like he's about to burst into a barber shop solo. Erin, McCarten, Christi, Mallary, Hilary, Jade and DeAnna get to go on the first group date. One of the blond girl's just mentioned "sloppy seconds." A class act. They are going to the races!!! How boring can you get and they are all being forced to wear gigantic floppy hats ala Pretty Woman. How long until Brad breaks into a total sweat? Oh, five seconds. He has a fine sheen on his forehead. He's handing out cash; I'm not sure for what. Oh, it's to find out how much they will gamble. Because everyone knows that it's important to know right away if your mate has a gambling problem.

These girls cannot stop screaming and showing their boobs. The next date is Fun in the Sun in Malibu. Solisa with the fake boobs is so excited! Uh, oh, Michelle is lying on the stairs, badly injured. She slipped on a banana peel and now is paralyzed from the waist down. Awesome!! Now we'll really see what the Bachelor is made of. Will he date a girl in a wheelchair and a neck brace?? The others are trying not to show their excitement at having one girl less to compete against.

Okay, commercial break. Went to Oktoberfest in September this Saturday with Celia and her roommate and a bunch of their friends. We decided that the day would be more fun if we made a scavenger type list of the people you tend to see in crowds. For every thing on the list you spotted, you got a point. Here is a sampling of what we were on the look-out for:

A couple making out (any combination of genders)


Someone falling

A pregnant woman drinking a beer

A girl crying

Drag queen

Man in a kilt

The green guys from the Philly Car share

Grandma with tattoos

A dog drinking beer


Awkward teenager with drunk parents

Chicken bone

Person carrying a rat, snake, monkey or parrot on the shoulder

Parachute pants

Police officer drinking a beer

Large woman with bare midriff, etc. We have not yet determined who won.

Oh, we're back. Brad just said, I'm so glad--and this girl kissed him--and then he said, Omigod, we're talking while we're kissing. Then he confessed to the camera that it was a bad kiss and he hopes the others are better. Now he's talking to DeAnna with the fake Southern accent. He likes her because she said she was just going to be herself and that she loves to play with her dog. She did not try to shove her tongue down his throat which is also good. He wants to kiss her but the other bitches just busted in on them. "Lookit DeDe with her rose! We hate yew, DD!"

Why do I like this ad for Old Navy sweaters so much? It's the sell-out music.

Now the girls are doing a stupid bikini show, except for the girls from the horse race who are hating their skinny nakedness. Brad is telling the camera that he just doesn't know how these girls are going to match up with the hot fun stupid horse race date. The Christian girl just asked him to do a body shot now she's telling him how morals and values are very important to her. Hilarious! She's wearing this green dress that I own from H & M. "God made me the way I am and I'm super comfortable with my body." She really said this. Now Stephy just sucked on his belly button to show that she's outgoing. I don't know how they can still be standing up after doing so many shots. Oh, he's making out loudly with Jenni--dear, God, their noses keep bumping. "Okay, big hug!" Why do people say these things? He just gave the rose to the girl with the funny voice, Sara. She talks like a muppet. "Cheers to life, love and happiness!" They are now in the hot tub. Omigod, Solisa the Christian is going skinny dipping, I guess because Jesus told her to. He didn't follow her and so she put her top back on and came running back. Sad. She will not get a rose, nor will she get into heaven.

Everyone hates Jenni because she brought her modeling book. They will be ganging up on her after the commercial break. It is almost time for the final rose ceremony. Who will go home? Solisa, not Michelle even though she's not very pretty and has a horse face. He can't send her home but she can't stop talking about how she's thirty and wants to have kids but not right away and she's nervous and she wants to travel and she wants to pay off her college loans (which might be hard to do if you're traveling). Uh, oh, Bettina is going to confess that she's been married before. Don't tell him, it's just that simple. Oh, good, she didn't tell him. Mallory has stolen him away. She's telling him her perfect day: She can sleep in, he would make her eggs and then they would do water colors. Wow. Jenni is fake crying now because she overheard Jade saying that she's fake. Jade is going to tell him that some people brought their modeling portfolios and she told him that she doesn't like to let her ta-tas hang out. Oh, Jesus has now told Solisa to shake her boobs on the dance floor in front of everyone. The girls scream no matter what he says: Here's to ending world hunger! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Up next: Who will lose their chance to be Mrs. Brad Wombat?

Nothing exciting to report about my class and Ethan Frome except that the teacher corrected my pronunciation of the word "phlegmy." She informed me that one does not use the "g." I said that I was using the French pronunciation. Next week, we are going to decide how we should be graded. Why are we doing that?

Okay, here's who gets the roses (Sara and DeAnna are safe because they got a rose):

Brad: We've gotten to know each other and to say this is a tough decision is one of the biggest understatements I've ever made today in the last four minutes.

Christi. (?)

Bettina who he doesn't know has been married before.

Hillary: the girl from PHiladelphia who wears her hair differently each time and so I can't recognize her.

Steffi: She's an idiot.

Sheena. (?)

McCarten with the fake name.

Gini: if you could see the look that Jade just gave her!

Lyndsey: he loves the blondes.

Jade: oh, good, I get to talk shit on girls for another week.

One rose is left...Jesus is going home. He should also send Michelle home, but he won't. It's a pity rose. OH, I am wrong!!!! He picked Jesus. I can't believe it. She said, You're a stinker. I am wrong on both counts.

He's sending home one of the blonds--Erin, Mallory from Hawaii and the unattractive Michelle who is crying and looks really bad.

Next week: They are going to be shot out of canons. Yeah!!! Hillary is crying her eyes out, oh, and his identical twin brother who doesn't really look much like him. Can't wait!