El Bachelor

Here we are again. Tonight in class, we talked about Katherine Anne Porter's short story, "Old Mortality." I wrote my paper on the wrong story in the series, "Pale Horse, Pale Rider," which I highly recommend. Excuse me for mentioning here that Katherine Anne Porter was the name of the prize my book won. I refrained from dropping it into my commentary during class. I confess I wasn't listening most of the time, was instead trying to read the middle story, "Noon Wine." It ended in suicide. Our teacher managed to tell us about KAP's sex life (she was married four times). The guy whose cell phone rings during class had to present and it wasn't clear if he had read the story or not. Next time, we are going to read As I Lay Dying which I kind of hate. I vaguely remember that it starts with them talking the corpse of the mom across country.

In other news, Emma Carol has decided in the colder weather to plaster herself to me during the night, not allowing any of the other animals on the bed.

Okay, tonight, the Bachelor will be going on four hometown dates. I have no idea how we got this far into the season without me liking at least one of the women. First, we must do a twenty-minute recap and preview before we can watch any of the actual show which is only about four minutes long. Jenni with an i is a from Witchita, Kansas, someone else is from Atlanta, another person is from CA and another is from Mars. First, the date with JennI. BChad loves her still. He's running up the stairs to meet her at the place where she had her very first dance competition. Oh, dear, I think she is going to dance for him. Why does she keep scratching his chest? I hope she sucks at dancing. This is what I do like every day. She's tap-dancing. She's pretending to be embarrassed. Maybe it would be better if she had actual music. She's really not that great. They are now going to meet her mom at her mom's hair salon. What is she wearing? Black shorts and a terrible t-shirt. Turns out that JennI is white trash. They have a hair salon in their dining room. Granny is a pistol. Doesn't look like Granny likes him that much. JennI's sister is trying to get BChad to notice her. I think Granny is drunk. I can't tell if she's German or just really poor. JennI's mom is now washing his hair and putting her boobs on his forehead. She's giving him dandruff. Please, please, please, shave his head. Ths less pretty sister is now curling JennI's hair. Excuse me, but do people say "ya'all" in Kansas? I don't think so. Did we go back in time, because BChad is now negogiating the dowry. Oh, JennI made the team. F BChad. Go be a Phoenix cheerleader. They're making out in the hair salon.

Next date: Sheena and her drunk mom. I think they are in CA. Sheena is not for him. Mom and Dad are on a huge boat. Sheena has slowly surprised him into thinking she's just a tiny bit better than average. They are off on a tube boat ride. Sheena's parents have been married for 25 years. Mom wants to know his sign. He's a Scorpio, and so is Sheena's dad!! Mom is into the stars. Sheena makes sure that BChad knows that she isn't into horoscopes. Mom is ruining it for her daughter by going on about the Big Dipper. I think she must be high and she might be hitting on him too. BChad now hates being there. Sheena can't seem to notice that he doesn't care too much for her.

DeAna is next. It looks like this will be the most fun date since it's a Greek family who loves to drink ouzo. Canton, GA. Oh, horses!! I like DeAna, but why is she bringing him a basket of peaches? He admires who she is. I do like DeAna and her huge Greek family. He seems nice. The sister is cute too. Everyone is wearing red. She's adorable. BChad was born and raised in Atlanta. Dad seems nice; he's very friendly and not obnoxious. Another dowry question to dad. "Do you believe that this could be real?" Oh, crap, she brought out her photo album of her dead mother. I think he might like her. I can't tell. Oh, now the sisters are going to make out. The sister asks what she would do if he doesn't pick her. She says that she'd be extremely sad and thanks sis, for mentioning that possibility. No matter what, you know that mom's going to be watching over you, even though she's dead. They are crying and about to kiss. Here comes the adorable grandpa saying, Let's party! How cute. They are Greek dancing in the living room and doing 400 shots of ouzo. How does he stay sober. Stop yelling OPPA!! Are they going to make out or not. Yes. Again with the hands on her face. She won't go home. It will be between her and JennI.

Next up: Bettina and her snotty family who will tell him that he's a grave disappointment. The disaster date. Bettina weighs about 10 pounds. They are in DC. I wonder if she could have possibly dressed up a little more. She's wearing sweat pants and a tank top. The parents have a lot of money. What is that animal? I can't tell if it's a cat or a dog. Dad is a professor and is disappointed that ChBrad didn't go to college, that he owns four bars and that he has to stay out late every night. Stepmom is kind of a bitch. Dad loves the ex-husband. Stepmom is saying that he can't screw around with other people's hearts. Dad is telling Bettina that there are disadvantages--he doesn't have an education, owns a bar and lives far away. I think ChBrad is going to cry. Bettina just said, by way of making him feel better, Hey, I don't look that good on paper either. He said, Wow, I feel blind-sided. I may not have a college education, but I am smart enough to know better than to judge other people. Why doesn't anybody ever ask their political affiliation? He's probably a Republican.

I am pretty sure that Sheena will be going home and she can thank her mom for that. This is boring.

Okay, the rose ceremony. Three girls will stay and one will go home crying. Maybe Bettina will disqualify herself. I bet that if she doesn't win, she will be on the next Bachelorette.

DeAna is first. She's my favorite.

Second rose goes to JennI. Of course. JennI, will you do a little dance for me and why are you wearing your hair like that?

Third rose will go to Bettina. I bet. Sheena thinks it will be her because the stars said it would be so. Bettina wins. He only picked her because she's the beautifulest.

Sheena will be fine. She's only fourteen. He's walking her out to tell her why he didn't pick her. She's not crying. I can't believe it. She just told him that he looks nice. She's sweet. "I wish I was that guy for you, but I just don't think I am." Now she's crying on his shoulder. She needed a date the senior prom and now she'll have to find someone in her fifth period English class. He had to send her home because he didn't have the chemistry with her that he felt with the others. She is digging her claws into him.

Next week: 1 Bachelor and three women in Cabos San Lucas. The overnight dates!!!