The Bachelor Once Again

Before the show starts, I have to mention the best episode of Clean House that I saw last night. Clean House is the show where a bunch of not well-known comedians go into someone's wreck of a home, force them to get rid of all of their crap, sell it at a yard sale and then use the money to make the house livable. Every single show I've seen ends with the family being so happy that they don't have to live with boxes and boxes of Mickey Mouse paraphernalia, china dolls, jars of old food, piles of clothes and general garbage. Last night, they episode ended in tragedy when the mom flipped out and started crying and saying she was going to throw up because the walls were greenish and the sofa was green and all of her shit was gone. She had a total meltdown. It was the best.

Okay, and now, on to more important things...Who will get the most drunk on The Bachelor and how many times will the word "connection" be used and how many random women will he make out? I hope lots! Once again, most of the show will consist of showing what already happened and what's going to happen. Oh, horrifying, they are going to the circus. Look out, Jess, there will be clowns. More than usual, that is. The emcee announces that there will be two group dates and a couple of one on ones, I guess. I still don't recognize any of them except for DeAnna and the big-chested Christian ho.

Group date: they're petting this elephant (loads of shots of the phallic looking trunk) and are now being ushered into the Ringling Brothers circus ring where they will be forced to walk on the tight-rope and eat fire. Please let someone break her nose. This is the worst date ever, loads of clowns. He loves Jenni because she can do a triple back bend somersault hop and ended up in the shape of a pretzel. Jenni is kind of adorable and she at least told him that she wants to spend a year apart from him to finish her dancing troupe. Tears from this one girl while talking about her dad. Stupid. Her longest relationship was with some guy in high school and she hasn't had a boyfriend for five years. She's gone. Bye, Stephy!!

More previews. You guys won't believe this, but they are bringing in his identical twin who does not look like him at all.

Okay, now they are watching the jugglers ("connection" was used again) and Brad will have to give out one of the final roses on the date in front of everyone. Hillary got the one on one date with Brad and all the girls are pretending to be thrilled for her. God, there are so many clowns that I might vomit and now the Bachelorettes and being forced to wear huge condoms on their heads and dance as part of the show. I guess this is better than Cirque Des Soleilel Sun Tan Lotion which is creepy. I am wrong again. Stephy who hasn't had a boyfriend in four hundred years and looks like an uglier Ally Sheedy got the rose. Three people just died as they were shot out of a cannon.

The one-on-one date with horsey face Hillary from Philadelphia. Just like in Pretty Woman, he's letting her borrow a million dollar emerald and diamond necklace. Now she will have to give him some. He's taking her on a jet to San Francisco. She just can't believe how awesome everything is! I wonder who decided she should wear a black patent leather belt with her sequined gown? Oh, God, she's going to cry and her eyelids are closing and sticking together. She ruined it. I say that and it means she will probably end up marrying him.Oh, god, she won't stop crying. "I do want to give my heart to someone and I do want to get married. I really didn't expect to meet someone like you." She is a wreck. Don't cry on your date! She's crying and then laughing and then crying and snot is running down her face. I don't think he knows what to do. She needs to go to the bathroom and pull her shit together. Oh, he's giving her the other rose and lying about the fact that he thinks it's great that she's a wreck. Now he's making her a hot fudge sundae and she's going to eat it and then go throw it up. God, they're doing that audible mouth kiss that I cannot stand!! You don't need to make smacking noises when you kiss! Get yourself some chap stick or something.

Second group date: A pirate ship! Who will walk the plank and who will go home broken-hearted? (Bettina just said "connection"). Kristy is cute, but we haven't seen much of her, she's pretending to steer the ship. He looks terrible in the open air (Now what's her face just said "connection"). That's four so far. Okay, now they are dancing and Solisa is grinding on Brad ("connection") in her really bad denim skirt. Omigod, they just said, "Fire in the hole!" and shot off a cannon. Hmm...). Now Sheena is riding on a wave runner and is being pulled over by the
Coast Guard because she sprayed Brad in the face with sea foam. Bettina has admitted to the camera that she's in love with Brad, that she fell in love with him on a wave runner. Oops, she just confessed that she was married before. He's shocked. He's never heard of divorce before. They don't do that in Texas. Please give her the rose anyway, otherwise, you are a jerk! He gave it to Kristy because she piloted the boat for him. Does he know that she wasn't really steering?

You're kidding me, right? Brad's not at all-look-alike brother is named Chad. Brad and Chad? Are you joking? Chad is a dick. "What's shaking, man? What's going on?" Seriously, he does not look like him. Now Brad is he pretending to spring this brilliant, Scooby-Doo idea on his bro, asking Chad to do him a huge favor, a favor that Chad did not expect at all, even though he just happens to be wearing the same exact clothes--same suit, same tie, same cheesy Party of Five facial hair. Maybe they always wear the same clothes. I guess if you were drunk enough, you might think it's him. Chad/Brad/Chad/Brad, just like Chuck and Buck (great movie). Stop calling them, "these ladies!" I might like Chad better. He actually knows the women's names, unlike BChad. But Brad wants to know if the women are really there for him and if they have memorized his hair pattern. Meanwhile, Brad will be watching the interaction on the video screen. Strike one for McCarten b/c she doesn't notice anything different. Now this other girl is not noticing him being different either. The blond girl (Sheena. There's no way she's going to stay because she gets pretty much no air time, but she's cute) is noticing that it's not him. She recognizes that he doesn't have the same tuft of hair by his ear...Here's Kristy. She's suspicious. She gets it right away. "You are not Brad. You are a twin." Bettina gets it, she notices that he's a twin. I guess those other girls get it (DeAnna and Stephy)...Now he's going to see Sarah, and I don't think she's going to notice. She didn't. Sarah is gone. Too bad because she is a dead ringer for Winnie from the Wonder Years (with boobs). We didn't get to see what Solisa (the slutty Christian) and Jenni (the Phoenix dancer) thought.

The Rose Ceremony: "This is the toughest decision, blah, blah, blah." He will have to say goodbye to three of the women and it's so hard because he cares about each one of these ladies. Ladies, ladies, ladies. Blather, something now about he loves and wishes to have sex with each and every one of them and maybe even a bunch of them at once. He's just going to go with his heart.

First rose: Sheena!!! She's my new favorite. She's adorable. She's so understated.

Second rose: McCarten. You're kidding me. She has the smallest face ever and she didn't recognize him at all.

3rd Jenni: Of course. He loves her.

4th: Jade. What? She looks fat in this dress, I'm sorry to say.

5th: DeAnna. Of course again. I like her too. She seems calm.

6th: Oh, wait, this is the final rose! Give it to Bettina, bastard. She's great. Oh, good, he did! Bye bye Sarah and Solisa the Christian and some other girl.

Sarah is leaving and she's trying to rationalize why he sent her home. She's at least not crying. Solisa wears her special parts on the outside, like her boobs and her ass. Lindsey whose belly button is showing through her dress refuses to cry but she's crying. She has a hard face. At least she has her yellow bag with her.

Next week: Love is in the air. He loves Jenni and the other girls don't like it. They have to go on the improv on the next show and Bettina says she's in love with him. What would be even better is if he had a third non-identical brother!


Julie said…
What time did the show start last night? I turned it on at 10 and totally missed the entire 1st date (which, from your description, doesn't sound like I missed much). I think Stephy is so fugly - I hate that she is still around.