I Will Let It Go to My Head

My book has arrived at the publisher’s and I have decided that I want to be famous and I also want to be a terrifically bad famous person. I want to forget all my friends, talk incessantly about my brilliance, interrupt people to quote my stories, and refer to myself in the third person. All of you bitches better buy my book because for every book sold, I get one cent (or something like that) and as those of you closest to me know, I am trying to save as many pennies as I can so that I can have one dollar. That’s 100 hundred books, people! If you want to help me out even more, you can write a gushing review of the book on barnes.noble.com. You don’t even have to read it, just say nice, innocuous things like “the best book I have ever read in my entire life and I have read a shitload of books.” Is it too much to ask to want to be discovered? To want to have the book made into a movie starring me? Why oh why didn’t I include more love scenes in my stories so that when it’s made into a film version (starring me, don’t forget), the character must make out with the likes of…I don’t know who I would want.

Speaking of wanting to be famous, it’s time for The Bachelor, Part 876. ChBrad and six women! I didn’t write last week because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. McCarten went home and so did Jade and guess what, the girl from Philadelphia is going to have a melt-down this week (the entire show is in the previews). Here is Chris, the host, wearing Greg Brady’s favorite shirt.

I don’t know why we’re even going through this whole thing because he’s in love with Jenni with an “i.” I think Bettina is cute, but he won’t pick her because she’s had a divorce and he’s a Republican and because she has the name of a tiny, tiny mouse. “I want to kiss this woman, so if the time is right, we’ll see how she reacts.” Bettina tells the camera that she likes to play games and be mysterious. He’s not really listening; he just wants her to take off her jacket so he can check out her boobs.

Meanwhile, back at the Bitch House, a bunch of the girls are jumping up and down because they get to go to a pool party!!!! Actually, they hate each other and hate the one girl who gets the one-on-one date.

ChBrad tells Bettina that she is drop dead gorgeous and perfect. Now they are in a gondola. He asks her if she’s nervous or if she’s comfortable in this tiny boat with a gigantic cameraman rocking the equilibrium. She kisses him on the cheek and he kisses her back but only on the cheek. He is pretending that he’s not going to kiss her on the mouth because he respects her and wants to listen to her (even though she has nothing to say) when really, he just wishes Jenni with an “i” where with him performing back handstands into the water.

Now, he’s at the pool party trying to tell the Crying Girl, Hillary, that he doesn’t think she’s that great and she hears instead, “I think ChBrad feels a great chemistry with me.” Now he’s talking to DeAna and picking his toenails. She’s trying to figure out how to get him to kiss her. God, I kind of hate Jenni with an “i” because she laughs too much and he’s going to make out with her and all the other girls have not been kissed. “Some very real emotions have developed between me and these girls.” Wow.

Okay, here is the one-on-one date with Sheena, warrior Internet marketing princess. Why does she talk like that? Like she’s just inhaled helium. She gets to chose from one of six identical gowns. God, he can’t stop sweating. She’s going to trip. We saw this already. Oh, damn, she fell. Can she recover? Can she stop hugging him and squealing. They are being forced to walk through a field of balloons. He just gave her diamond earrings and she said, Holy cow and then he petted her head. She is pretty. Does she get to keep them or what? I wish they would start popping the balloons. If he doesn’t kiss her, then she can say good-bye to the home-town dates. ChBrad wants to know why Sheena doesn’t have a boyfriend and she tells him it’s because she’s incredibly picky and incredibly shy. He’s telling her that he is as real as he can be with everyone on TV and that he sometimes stutters over the cue cards. Oh, god, she’s hugging him again. Now they are dancing by the pool with the orchestra playing and now he’s kissing her. They always kiss the girls by putting their entire hands on their face; he’s doing it because he’s imagining she’s Jenni with an “i.”

I missed a few scenes because I got distracted with something else (cats). Not much happened anyway, except for ChBrad tried to tell Hillary that he thinks they can be bff’s but that’s it and she responded with, “I know! I know exactly what you mean, I feel like we can be friends and lovers and friends and bride and groom and friends!” He has to say goodbye to Sheena and Hillary, and I wish he would keep Christa, but he won’t. Hillary has no idea what’s coming. I hate Jenni with an “i” and I wish she were not wearing that stupid black headband.

First rose goes to: DeAna. He gets to go to her hometown and make out with her in the living room.

Second rose goes to: Jenni. Like, no duh.

Third rose goes to: Sheena, for real??? That means that the fourth rose will be Bettina and the other two will go home.

Hillary will likely step forward to grab the rose after her name is not called. Hillary is losing it. She is rolling her eyes to the ceiling to keep from imploding. Hillary and Christi must say their goodbyes. Christi knew she wasn’t going to be chosen. Hillary is slobbering all over everyone. She is hugging Brad and will not let go. That sucked. Okay, now she’s going hysterical. They made this seem like she was going to go nutso. She’s not really going nutso. She’s just crying like a normal person. I wish she would stop saying how much everything sucks. Aw, he’s sweet. He said that he thinks she’s one-in-a-million. Most of the Bachelor’s never come out and say they’re sorry. They’re toasting to families. I think he feels somewhat terrible. Me too.

Comments

Ben said…
what's the title of your book again?
Aimee said…
It's called Wonderful Girl.

Buy 405 copies.

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