Triple XXX Rated Blog

I suppose I could take this blog in an entirely new direction and start writing just about my adventures, though it would quickly get boring except for those who participated. Or I could make The Adventures of City Girl to a more scintillating level, but I'm not sure how long I could keep that up before it got ridiculous. I should clarify that I don't currently work with the aforementioned person--he's a man from my past who has recently resurfaced as a single dude with an open mind. And that's probably all I should say about any of this as I don't want to start getting side-long glances from my co-workers or have someone give me some unsolicited advice in the rest room. (P.S. He consented that the blog post was okay, not great. That it could possibly earn me a platonic back rub, but that's it. Unless I prostitute myself further and write more. But I am not that kind of girl. I will not prostitute myself in public, only in private and for a very high fee plus dinner. Hi, Mom!)


And, anyway, The Bachelor, Part IVII is on. This show would be over in about fifteen minutes if they just cut out all of the recaps and the "coming-up!!" clips. Today, we find out who gets to go out on a one-on-one date with Brad, the Yellow Hunk of Texas. Our host, Chris, is wearing the dumbest blue and white striped shirt, he looks like he's about to burst into a barber shop solo. Erin, McCarten, Christi, Mallary, Hilary, Jade and DeAnna get to go on the first group date. One of the blond girl's just mentioned "sloppy seconds." A class act. They are going to the races!!! How boring can you get and they are all being forced to wear gigantic floppy hats ala Pretty Woman. How long until Brad breaks into a total sweat? Oh, five seconds. He has a fine sheen on his forehead. He's handing out cash; I'm not sure for what. Oh, it's to find out how much they will gamble. Because everyone knows that it's important to know right away if your mate has a gambling problem.


These girls cannot stop screaming and showing their boobs. The next date is Fun in the Sun in Malibu. Solisa with the fake boobs is so excited! Uh, oh, Michelle is lying on the stairs, badly injured. She slipped on a banana peel and now is paralyzed from the waist down. Awesome!! Now we'll really see what the Bachelor is made of. Will he date a girl in a wheelchair and a neck brace?? The others are trying not to show their excitement at having one girl less to compete against.

Okay, commercial break. Went to Oktoberfest in September this Saturday with Celia and her roommate and a bunch of their friends. We decided that the day would be more fun if we made a scavenger type list of the people you tend to see in crowds. For every thing on the list you spotted, you got a point. Here is a sampling of what we were on the look-out for:

A couple making out (any combination of genders)

Blood

Someone falling

A pregnant woman drinking a beer

A girl crying

Drag queen

Man in a kilt

The green guys from the Philly Car share

Grandma with tattoos

A dog drinking beer

Fight

Awkward teenager with drunk parents

Chicken bone

Person carrying a rat, snake, monkey or parrot on the shoulder

Parachute pants

Police officer drinking a beer

Large woman with bare midriff, etc. We have not yet determined who won.

Oh, we're back. Brad just said, I'm so glad--and this girl kissed him--and then he said, Omigod, we're talking while we're kissing. Then he confessed to the camera that it was a bad kiss and he hopes the others are better. Now he's talking to DeAnna with the fake Southern accent. He likes her because she said she was just going to be herself and that she loves to play with her dog. She did not try to shove her tongue down his throat which is also good. He wants to kiss her but the other bitches just busted in on them. "Lookit DeDe with her rose! We hate yew, DD!"

Why do I like this ad for Old Navy sweaters so much? It's the sell-out music.

Now the girls are doing a stupid bikini show, except for the girls from the horse race who are hating their skinny nakedness. Brad is telling the camera that he just doesn't know how these girls are going to match up with the hot fun stupid horse race date. The Christian girl just asked him to do a body shot now she's telling him how morals and values are very important to her. Hilarious! She's wearing this green dress that I own from H & M. "God made me the way I am and I'm super comfortable with my body." She really said this. Now Stephy just sucked on his belly button to show that she's outgoing. I don't know how they can still be standing up after doing so many shots. Oh, he's making out loudly with Jenni--dear, God, their noses keep bumping. "Okay, big hug!" Why do people say these things? He just gave the rose to the girl with the funny voice, Sara. She talks like a muppet. "Cheers to life, love and happiness!" They are now in the hot tub. Omigod, Solisa the Christian is going skinny dipping, I guess because Jesus told her to. He didn't follow her and so she put her top back on and came running back. Sad. She will not get a rose, nor will she get into heaven.

Everyone hates Jenni because she brought her modeling book. They will be ganging up on her after the commercial break. It is almost time for the final rose ceremony. Who will go home? Solisa, not Michelle even though she's not very pretty and has a horse face. He can't send her home but she can't stop talking about how she's thirty and wants to have kids but not right away and she's nervous and she wants to travel and she wants to pay off her college loans (which might be hard to do if you're traveling). Uh, oh, Bettina is going to confess that she's been married before. Don't tell him, it's just that simple. Oh, good, she didn't tell him. Mallory has stolen him away. She's telling him her perfect day: She can sleep in, he would make her eggs and then they would do water colors. Wow. Jenni is fake crying now because she overheard Jade saying that she's fake. Jade is going to tell him that some people brought their modeling portfolios and she told him that she doesn't like to let her ta-tas hang out. Oh, Jesus has now told Solisa to shake her boobs on the dance floor in front of everyone. The girls scream no matter what he says: Here's to ending world hunger! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Up next: Who will lose their chance to be Mrs. Brad Wombat?

Nothing exciting to report about my class and Ethan Frome except that the teacher corrected my pronunciation of the word "phlegmy." She informed me that one does not use the "g." I said that I was using the French pronunciation. Next week, we are going to decide how we should be graded. Why are we doing that?

Okay, here's who gets the roses (Sara and DeAnna are safe because they got a rose):

Brad: We've gotten to know each other and to say this is a tough decision is one of the biggest understatements I've ever made today in the last four minutes.

Christi. (?)

Bettina who he doesn't know has been married before.

Hillary: the girl from PHiladelphia who wears her hair differently each time and so I can't recognize her.

Steffi: She's an idiot.

Sheena. (?)

McCarten with the fake name.

Gini: if you could see the look that Jade just gave her!

Lyndsey: he loves the blondes.

Jade: oh, good, I get to talk shit on girls for another week.

One rose is left...Jesus is going home. He should also send Michelle home, but he won't. It's a pity rose. OH, I am wrong!!!! He picked Jesus. I can't believe it. She said, You're a stinker. I am wrong on both counts.

He's sending home one of the blonds--Erin, Mallory from Hawaii and the unattractive Michelle who is crying and looks really bad.

Next week: They are going to be shot out of canons. Yeah!!! Hillary is crying her eyes out, oh, and his identical twin brother who doesn't really look much like him. Can't wait!

Comments

Anonymous said…
i forgot to watch the bachelor for the first time ever last night--what happened to Jenni?
jess
Aimee said…
Jenni got picked but she didn't get one of the special roses during the date and everyone hated her (well, mostly just Jade) b/c she brought her modeling portfolio on the show.
julie said…
Jess - I'm ashamed of you! And Aimee - I can't believe the bathing suit fashion show only warranted 1 sentence! I was just cringing with embarrassment during that scene.
Aimee said…
Sorry, I think I was making microwave macaroni during that time.

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