Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Slut book

Finished a collection of short stories called Barbara the Slut by Lauren Holmes that was funny and engaging and not that deep. There were about 10 stories and maybe all of them were in first person and a few were told from the point of view of a teenager, but not in a cutified way. One story was told from the point of view of a dog. I skipped that one the first time around, but went back to it after I ran out of other stories. Nothing deep about them--I mean, for the title one, you didn't get all of this detail about why the teenager slept with all of these boys--except maybe because she had an autistic brother and over-educated and slightly clueless parents, but I liked that about it--that she was just a girl who didn't really know how to be around boys and thought she had to sleep with them.

It reminded me that I don't have to try so hard to give back story or meaning to my stories. That there doesn't have to be some big reveal, but I just have to render it in a funny or interesting or truthful way. It makes me want to go back to the Hammersly story and figure it out a bit more, because it's not all that different from what Holmes was writing, and in fact, is a little bit more interesting and dark. Maybe she got her collection published by Penguin because she went to the Iowa Writer's Workshop.

Maybe I should send my work to the same publisher: Riverhead Books. Yes, ten stories and all of them are first person. That's almost like cheating. I'm also still interested in the serial killer of men one. Maybe that should just be a short story told from the point of view of the detective in charge of the case.

He who should be named lest you call up the devil

Donald Tr*** continues to amaze and incite with his "Nuremberg-like rallies" (says Martin Amis in an article about Trump's books) and his latest proposal is that we ban all Muslims from the United States and then invade Iraq and take all of their oil to cut off their money supply.

Anderson Cooper had to interview a guy from Trump's staff and try to not to guffaw out loud as he was saying, "So, wait, you agree with Trump that we should go into Iraq, one of our allies, and take all of their oil? You don't think that will create even more dissent and radicals? And how exactly would we do this?"

The guy goes, "Well, Anderson, the devil is in the details. We'd have to figure out how to get it done, but I'll leave that up to the people who do this kind of thing."

The collective strategy of that group is to propose whatever preposterous, xenophobic, racist idea they can come up with ("Build a wall and make them pay for it! Take the oil! Send back the Muslim babies!") and then to say they will defer to the experts about how to execute said plan.

It's the Emperor's new clothes---you have all of these supposedly learned people espousing the most hateful nonsense who then react with a sense of wounded dignity whenever they're challenged.

Did you see this artwork of the new nude statues placed in cities across the country? No?


Friday, August 26, 2016


Reading Eggers' Heroes of the Frontier and wondering why he didn't call it Heroines of the Frontier since the central character, the one whose head we're inside, is a woman--a former dentist who has a loose-bowled ex-husband and two children--one brave and reckless (the girl) and one introspective and protective (the boy). She's at a crossroads in her life and decides to rent a rickety RV and take her children to Alaska to visit her friend/rival, Samantha. I thought I wouldn't like the book that much because I've been mostly reading mysteries, but it is funny and unexpected and not too big for its own britches. I also was resistant to the male author borrowing the female experience to tell the story, but it would be something else completely if the main character were a single dad--you'd have to focus on the weirdness of that, and he would almost be saintified by society for raising two kids on his own--so, I guess Eggers needed her to be a woman. She's also not preoccupied with finding a man--her focus is on figuring out who she's supposed to be, where she's supposed to be, what she's supposed to be. It's highly relatable and maybe highly American--this idea that in the land of opportunity, there are almost too many choices, too many ways to be dissatisfied. He writes this whole long great paragraph about disappointment that I am too lazy to retype here.

On the flip side, I know someone who knows DE and says he's an asshole. I guess it's not necessary that you like the writer, but I am disappointed that he's not a totally awesome guy (according to my source).

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Botox, babes, and bros

I missed the first fifteen minutes of paradizzz and all that's happened is that there's a new lady on the island who has gotten her claws into the unrecognizable, bearded Nick (former poet turned bro). The other women (particularly Mom x 2/Baby Voice) are upset because the new lady has had some lip work done and, of course, the false eyelashes.

Lace has taken it down a notch by doing only two shots instead of one before lunch. She's desperately trying to establish a relationship with Grant. We watch her take another shot. Vinny conveys this to Grant and so Grant decides to go find her. I hope she doesn't start crying because her fake eyelashes will come right off.  STOP drinking.

Meanwhile, Leah, the new girl, is on a one-on-one date with Nick. She says she's really attracted to his lumberjack look, even though he doesn't look at all like a lumberjack. They kiss as the sun sets behind their heads, but we know from the previews that she will go home soon.  Baby voice talks to her child but we can't tell who is speaking--her or the two year old. Nick gets the next date card because there are no rules in paradice-y. He chooses....Amanda. Leah's face falls as do her three necklaces. She's wearing two chokers and one longer necklace. Amanda tells one of the twins that she's super nervous. Leah comes over and says, "Stop trying to be me, Amanda. Just kidding!" Leah says she's on an emotional roller coaster.

Nick's hair cut is like a really short mullet. He wears jeans with a rip in the knee ala Pacey from season 2 of Dawson's Creek.  He takes Amanda out for giant glasses of wine at the local cabana. Amanda thinks she has a big heart and she's not a doormat, and she's so proud of herself for that. She can't stop touching her hair. We should all be wearing off the shoulder shirts, y'all. Next stop, the fire pit. They both proclaim to be having a great time and so make out  Leah is flabbergasted that this hasn't worked out for her.

Evan is hanging out with Carly on this huge mat. Carly is waiting for Evan to make a move on her and he won't. She wants him to stop being so sweet and throw her on the beach until her imprint is deeper than the Grand Canyon. She just wants a rose. Must we see him sitting in bed fondling his chest. She hated the kiss. It was unbearable. She can't believe he has actually reproduced. But...she's still into him.

Cut to drunk Lace walking on the beach and Lace asking Grant if he likes her or what. She also asks him if he wants to see her bruises and they kiss. Lace thinks he has a banging body and she loves that he's a firefighter. They go to bed together and she drinks the first sip of non-alcoholic beverage that she's had all day. Cue sound of moaning.

Amanda is flat-ironing her hair while Leah blows up a giant swan.

Tonight is the rose ceremony and Sarah is nervous because she's the only one with a missing arm. The guys all wear button down shirts, including Chris Harrison in his Barney's blazer. At least two of the ladies are going home, but if one of the twins gets a rose, the other one is allowed to stay as well, which seems unfair.

Sarah pleads her case with Vinny and he makes out with her. She has no trouble wearing a sleeveless dress. Then Izzy shows up and he downs a shot and then makes out with her. She purposefully puts both her arms around him.

Leah shows up in the brightest red lipstick I've ever seen but just the one necklace this time. Her titties are almost popping out. Nick listens with his super huge seashell ears. The guys are super confident because the women have to beg them for roses, like it's a job interview. "Look at me!" she says. Nick takes out his retainer to tell her that he's probably giving the rose to Amanda. Leah feels blind-sided, but she still has time to put on more lipstick and throw herself at someone else, including Daniel, the slimy Canadian who refers to himself as the big dog and an eagle who won't drop down to a pigeon level, but if he was going to bang someone tonight, it would be one of the twins. Just typing what he says.

Rose ceremony in paradizzy. Grant goes first. He has to pick Lace because she has on ten pounds of foundation and they had sex last night. Nick picks Amanda. Evan will pick Carly even though she hated the kiss. She giggles and hugs him like he's her brother. Ashton K./Jared will probably pick one of the twins...He picks Emily. Aw, Jubilee will go home. Vinny better not pick Izzy. He chooses to wear a short sleeved white shirt and gives the rose to...Izzy. Now Sarah has to depend on slimy Canadian to pick her. Daniel will pick Leah because he is super shallow. He loves the power. Oh...He picks Sarah. Ha-ha, Leah and Jubilee are going home. I mean, I'm sad for Jubilee, but not Leah.

A new day dawns and the power has shifted to the women. Josh shows up with s giant row of white teeth. Was he in another relationship? I can't remember if he got picked before or not--oh, right, Andi picked Josh over Nick and then it didn't work out. Josh tells Amanda that his eight year old dog has cancer. Amanda is about as interesting as a brown paper bag. A brown paper bag with a baby voice. Josh digs her, but would she really like him?  Andi wrote a tell-all and it's mostly about Josh and how horrible he was. They can be together. I do not care. Nick contemplatively walks on the beach, kicking crabs and not snorkeling with anyone.

Evan has decided to wear a patriotic wife beater with a flag on it. Carly says she needs to stop dating feminine guys. Who will she pick instead? Evan gets the date card and asks Carly. She pauses and says, Sure with hardly any enthusiasm. She has never not wanted to go on a date so much in her life. She decides not to change her clothes at all. They end up walking on to a stage filled with screaming fans. They have a chance to make history tonight by eating peppers in front of people.

Okay, guys, this is where I say good night. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Multiple cries for help

Observations: Nick has decided to knock it off with the poet demeanor to take on the beefcake persona. I think he may also be wearing a retainer as he sounds as if he has developed a lisp.

ED and Chad are back. Chad's face has become even more over-grown. Omigod, Chad has a Morkie. Chaplin is a Morkie. But Chap is way cuter. Chad's Mork is white and runny-eyed.

Remember Amanda and her two toddlers and her off the shoulder shirts (perhaps that's where JoJo got the idea)? She's back.

First to arrive is mommy x 2, followed by Nick. This is his third time on a Bachelor type show. Is no one going to comment on the crazy sound of the birds overtaking the stilted dialogue? I forgot that Amanda talks in a baby voice. Jubilee is arrival number three and she has earlier told us that she is practicing not looking like a bitch when her face is resting. Fourth = Evan aka The Penis Guy (according to Jubilee). Amanda likes that he's a dad. Vinny yells and he's in. Then that woman, Carly, who looks like an actress whose name I can't remember, but I will find a photo. When did greasy-looking, close to the head, tri colored hair come into vogue. Next is Grant, =the  black guy, then Cicada, I mean the Canadian.

I just remembered. Carly is the spitting image of Jenna from 30 Rock.

Canadian feels like all the women there are dogs. Or street mutts, rather. What kind of dog is he? I'm going to go with a dookie-eating Newfoundland.

The one-armed lady is back. She could wear a prosthetic. I think I've been over this territory before. Like, why should she conform to the standards, but also, is she just not wearing a prosthetic because the show won't let her because it's more interesting?  Chris goes to her, "Maybe it will work this time. Fingers crossed."  On the one hand.

Twins are next.  Then Izzy, who I don't remember at all, and then Lace, who is wearing--guess what--lace. She feels that she has made so much progress on herself and is now only drinking white wine. Unlike other shows, this one never seems to have commercials. And now, Ashton Kutchner/Jared. My favorite so far is Evan. He seems like the most normal of all and the most against type.

Chad shows up and apologizes to Evan. Lace feels like they've totally hit it off. She's wearing three layers of fake eyelashes. So is Carly. I guess they all are. And the ones who aren't look like they should be. Time to start doing shots and head stands. Here's how this works--if they're not in a serious relationship within 7 hours, they have to go home.

Lace has broken her promise to her yoga-self by getting slurringly-drunk within one hour. She fights with Grant for not asking her enough complex questions about herself. She asks Chad to show her the softer side of himself and then attempts to drown him in a man-made lagoon. Chad says he likes her because she's as psychotic as he is. Both are alphas and so are about to pee on each other. Lace wins.

Jubilee compliments Ashton/Jared by telling him that he's a big nerd and she admires that. Aside: they are sitting under a canopy of pinatas for no discernible reason, except to remind us that this is FUN! Until a clown shows up. The clown says that they are a beauitful couple except that Jared is losing is hair.

Izzy and Vinny couple up in the water. Vinny says he wears his heart on his bicep. Izzy wraps her legs around him as they float in the sea. Lace and Chad are making out and calling each other "bitches." He might beat her. He says he will throw her under a bus and she punches him in the stomach to show him how mean he's being. The crowd watches it happen while eating chicken wings. They are both very drunk and breaking up already as Carly points out, in the shortest amount of time in the show's history. Time for Lace to start crying her fake eyelashes off. Oh, nope, she didn't. She's telling him go drink some water. This show is really about alcohol addiction.

The Canadian guy is asking Chad if he still thinks he's like Hitler or Hannibal Lector. Sarah says she didn't come to paradise to be around drunk jerks who don't respect women. I wonder if he will say anything---oh, he did--he just said, "F*** that one-armed bitch." They all walk away. Sarah is crying. They have to let him stay on the show though because he's good TV. That's the same reason He Who Shall Not be Named (presidential candidate) got where he did. People love to watch bad behavior. I am no different.
Chad passes out and they don't worry that he might die.  A crab crawls in his hair and they turn up the sound effects of snoring as he chokes on his own vomit.

Day dawns and Lace seems to have recovered from her hang over. Chad wakes up without any underwear on. He won't remember any of his antics, such as pooping in his own pants, which, instead of being a red flag, becomes a joke.

How many earrings do the twins have in each ear? Forty.

Chris Harrison does a fake intervention while Chad asks for a glass of wine. Chris asks him if this is the time to be glib and Chad says, "I don't know what that word means, but you're right, it's probably not the time to be glib." Chris reminds Chad that he told everyone on the staff to go suck a dick. Chad doesn't remember. He has been asked to leave. He goes, but leaves behind a single flip flop and tells Chris to go drink his mimosas in his robe.

Until the next ceremony, Chaplin will accept this biscuit.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Will JoJo trust her gut or what the producers want?

Watching show with my favorite gal, Liz Webster.

Immediate plug for The Marriott in Thailand. JoJo is definitely falling in love with both of them. When she's with Jordan, she thinks of Robbie and when she's with Robbie, she thinks about the monkeys of Thailand. Her whole sweaty family has been flown to Thailand. Mom has had sixteen facial surgeries, including cheek and lip injections and possibly permanent eyeliner.

JoJo greets Jordan wearing an off the shoulder mini dress--Liz describes it as a pirate shirt that has been partially been ripped off and a purple bra. Her mom is wearing the same. Liz says she appreciates the Jordan is kind of a dandy. I missed the rest of the date because I was taking this photo and emailing it to myself. Jordan brought hats and promised not to break JoJo's precious princess heart.

Next is Robbie with his dipsy-do right hair style. He brings flowers. JoJo wears high-heeled wedges. Mom finds Robbie to have a gentleman demeanor. He shaves his chest. The brothers are skeptical at first, but then realize how cherished their sister feels and how he would be a good father. Mom also wears wedges and has possibly had her boobs done. No one mentions his hair. Robbie asks if dad will let JoJo be married to him and mom says yes, for $10,000 euros and a nose job. They shake on it. Why are we spending so much time with Robbie? This is a red herring.

Both Mom and Dad think Robbie is more husband material because he looks like a banker. JoJo is confused that Jordan didn't follow the arcane ritual of asking for JoJo's hand from the dad as if she were chattel. JoJo is confused about how hard this all is. Oh, wait, there is a sister in law or a sister sitting at the end of the sofa who hasn't said a word. Could she still be torn because she wants someone else or because she doesn't really want either one?

Cut to the live studio audience sitting there in silence as if they've just learned of the death of Princess Diana for the first time. All have been forced to curl their hair and wear solid colors.

I guess she gets one more fantasy date with the two men and several monkeys. Robbie is first. I hate his hair so much and want him to shave. What's his job? I mean, aside from "former competitive swimmer?" They go into the water and she drowns while they are playing chicken. They kiss underwater and we all know how romantic that is with water rushing up your nose. She asks him what he sees as their future. He says they will be sitting on a comfortable sofa from Bo Concept with a dog and meatloaf burning and tons of kids running around who don't want the meatloaf. Awwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He says he will impregnate her in three years or this evening. She then climbs on top of him and it's like they are almost having sex. Now they're talking about how much Robbie loves her. I do not know how to spell his name, okay?  She says he has a heart of gold and he says that he has a "heartburn of gold" which probably just cost him the entire relationship. I hope they get married in swim suits. Or die in a motorboat accident. They are looking nostalgically at photos of themselves together from two weeks ago. Remember when...Yeah, I remember, it just happened.

Okay, here's Jordan. I would say, Finally! But he's a super phony. He cares too much about his hair, but for some reason, I want her to pick him. They're on a pirate ship and Jordan goes, "Look at those ones over there!"

They then take a paddle boat out to a scenic cavern with plastic cups for wine waiting for them. He is coming across as a total phony. He admits he didn't ask her dad for her hand because...It wouldn't be right if he wasn't sure she would want that. Get it? She says that she doubts him, but he says he doesn't feel comfortable because her parents hadn't met Robby and...and...He wants JoJo to know that he doesn't know what she wants or what she would do or what he should say. I think what he's trying to say is that he doesn't know if she would say yes to a proposal and so he doesn't want to ask. This goes on for hours.
There is some kind of logical fallacy at play here--is it begging the question? Liz says that they are simultaneously second guessing each other while also saying that they have no doubts. I say it's a false equivocation--i.e., She is making the claim that Jordan's not asking her father for her hand means that he doesn't really want to marry her. 

The day has arrived. The day when the men are forced to pick out diamond rings from K Jewelers. Robbie/y can'd decide whether or not she will look best in a square cut or a princess cut or one where part of the ring falls off to one side so that her bra shows. Jordan does a hail mary pass by calling mom and dad to ask for JoJo's hand in marriage. He picks a ring in the shape of a football, of course.

Two fake letters are sent to JoJo supposedly written by the guys, but she doesn't feel right about either one.  She should make a choice based on penmanship. We are forced to admire their pecs and to wonder about the sizes of their respective penises. Both circumcised? Liz says, yes, especially the competitive swimmer because it will improve his time.

First out of the limo, some ankles in bad argyle socks and loafers. JoJo is dressed in a princess wedding dress and two pounds of foundation. Robby says, "My heart yearns for you, and it makes me weak in the knees, and you only hear about it in fairy tales and I promise I'll love you til the day I die---" Wait, she can't take it. She stops him so that she can snot on his J. Crew outlet jacket because she ill be sending him home. I hope now that Jordan doesn't actually propose.

Dan says that the set looks like Pier 1 Imports had a shipwreck. So many mass-produced Buddhas and tiki lamps.

And now, the one true football player. She is so ready for him. It took everything in him not to run down those stairs, he claims. He loves how she continues to challenge him to be his best self.

No guy talks like this, Emily, just so you know. It never happens outside of TV.

JoJo stops him to tell him how much she loves him, so much! He gets down on one knee despite the splinters. Both of them are shaking, because of how big a leap of faith/huge mistake this is.

Thanks to my texting buddies this season, Miz Kristine and Miz Emily. Stay tuned for BiP (Bachelor in Paradise, starting tomorrow night).  We'll be together again!!

Chappie and Liz say that no, we are not going to live blog After the Final Rose.  

Chap, will you accept this bowl of ice cream? 

Monday, August 1, 2016

The Men Tell Nothing

We start the show with ten minutes of commercials for the next show, Bachelor in Paradise, starring Chad. After that, I'm certain we will find out what went on behind the scenes, except that we already know. Chad has a great agent and has found a niche that he can ride through at least ten more tabloid magazines.

As an aside, doesn't the model on the cover to your left look like Katie Holmes.

We are reintroduced to a bunch of contestants we don't remember at all. Limp yells for ED and everybody seems to love James Taylor and Chase. The crowd goes wild. The crowd of 14 year old girls, I should clarify.

Evan gets to say the first thing about how he couldn't speak when getting out of the limo to meet JoJo. "Alls I could say is 'God Bless America.'" Here's us looking back at what happened. The whole show is like that. The men like to use the phrase "bitch" to insult one another. Nick has been coached to speak up as much as possible. Wells explains that Alex has spent his life in conflict and so that's why he doesn't know how to behave. Luke reminds everyone that he was also in the military but didn't decide to act like a clown and try to fight everyone in the room. Again the phrase "insecure bitch." Someone else says they are all clowns. I say they are all trying really hard to get air time.

They show a shot of Chad eating meat in the green room. I'm telling you, this man has a great agent and publicist. We must watch several flashbacks of him misbehaving and shoving ED guy around. ED uses this as an opportunity to do another PSA about steroid abuse.

I wonder when we'll find out that he's really a stand up comedian going undercover.  He has too much facial hair, but I sort of agree with him that most of the guys are phonies who are trying to make it on TV. Chad explains that they all left their girlfriends to be on the show. He says that he's not going to marry them in three weeks. Nick stands up and takes off his jacket to beat him up. Chad goes, "You trying to get air time, dude?" Exactly!

The men attack him and Chad tells him not to be scared by words and to grow up. He almost sounds reasonable. He is saying that the men are fame seekers, but really, I guess you would have to ask him why he applied for the show. Was he not also just as guilty of wanting to be in the public eye, and isn't he doing everything he can to keep it?

 Here are some puppies:

Dan doesn't like the guys on the stage who are sitting with their legs crossed.  I have no preference. The thing I mostly don't like about Chad is that he reminds me of an ex-boyfriend of mine--not attitude-wise, but the way he looks.

I don't think I can blog through this any more. I'm sitting with a laptop on me and it's too damn hot.