Botox, babes, and bros

I missed the first fifteen minutes of paradizzz and all that's happened is that there's a new lady on the island who has gotten her claws into the unrecognizable, bearded Nick (former poet turned bro). The other women (particularly Mom x 2/Baby Voice) are upset because the new lady has had some lip work done and, of course, the false eyelashes.

Lace has taken it down a notch by doing only two shots instead of one before lunch. She's desperately trying to establish a relationship with Grant. We watch her take another shot. Vinny conveys this to Grant and so Grant decides to go find her. I hope she doesn't start crying because her fake eyelashes will come right off.  STOP drinking.

Meanwhile, Leah, the new girl, is on a one-on-one date with Nick. She says she's really attracted to his lumberjack look, even though he doesn't look at all like a lumberjack. They kiss as the sun sets behind their heads, but we know from the previews that she will go home soon.  Baby voice talks to her child but we can't tell who is speaking--her or the two year old. Nick gets the next date card because there are no rules in paradice-y. He chooses....Amanda. Leah's face falls as do her three necklaces. She's wearing two chokers and one longer necklace. Amanda tells one of the twins that she's super nervous. Leah comes over and says, "Stop trying to be me, Amanda. Just kidding!" Leah says she's on an emotional roller coaster.

Nick's hair cut is like a really short mullet. He wears jeans with a rip in the knee ala Pacey from season 2 of Dawson's Creek.  He takes Amanda out for giant glasses of wine at the local cabana. Amanda thinks she has a big heart and she's not a doormat, and she's so proud of herself for that. She can't stop touching her hair. We should all be wearing off the shoulder shirts, y'all. Next stop, the fire pit. They both proclaim to be having a great time and so make out  Leah is flabbergasted that this hasn't worked out for her.

Evan is hanging out with Carly on this huge mat. Carly is waiting for Evan to make a move on her and he won't. She wants him to stop being so sweet and throw her on the beach until her imprint is deeper than the Grand Canyon. She just wants a rose. Must we see him sitting in bed fondling his chest. She hated the kiss. It was unbearable. She can't believe he has actually reproduced. But...she's still into him.

Cut to drunk Lace walking on the beach and Lace asking Grant if he likes her or what. She also asks him if he wants to see her bruises and they kiss. Lace thinks he has a banging body and she loves that he's a firefighter. They go to bed together and she drinks the first sip of non-alcoholic beverage that she's had all day. Cue sound of moaning.

Amanda is flat-ironing her hair while Leah blows up a giant swan.

Tonight is the rose ceremony and Sarah is nervous because she's the only one with a missing arm. The guys all wear button down shirts, including Chris Harrison in his Barney's blazer. At least two of the ladies are going home, but if one of the twins gets a rose, the other one is allowed to stay as well, which seems unfair.

Sarah pleads her case with Vinny and he makes out with her. She has no trouble wearing a sleeveless dress. Then Izzy shows up and he downs a shot and then makes out with her. She purposefully puts both her arms around him.

Leah shows up in the brightest red lipstick I've ever seen but just the one necklace this time. Her titties are almost popping out. Nick listens with his super huge seashell ears. The guys are super confident because the women have to beg them for roses, like it's a job interview. "Look at me!" she says. Nick takes out his retainer to tell her that he's probably giving the rose to Amanda. Leah feels blind-sided, but she still has time to put on more lipstick and throw herself at someone else, including Daniel, the slimy Canadian who refers to himself as the big dog and an eagle who won't drop down to a pigeon level, but if he was going to bang someone tonight, it would be one of the twins. Just typing what he says.

Rose ceremony in paradizzy. Grant goes first. He has to pick Lace because she has on ten pounds of foundation and they had sex last night. Nick picks Amanda. Evan will pick Carly even though she hated the kiss. She giggles and hugs him like he's her brother. Ashton K./Jared will probably pick one of the twins...He picks Emily. Aw, Jubilee will go home. Vinny better not pick Izzy. He chooses to wear a short sleeved white shirt and gives the rose to...Izzy. Now Sarah has to depend on slimy Canadian to pick her. Daniel will pick Leah because he is super shallow. He loves the power. Oh...He picks Sarah. Ha-ha, Leah and Jubilee are going home. I mean, I'm sad for Jubilee, but not Leah.

A new day dawns and the power has shifted to the women. Josh shows up with s giant row of white teeth. Was he in another relationship? I can't remember if he got picked before or not--oh, right, Andi picked Josh over Nick and then it didn't work out. Josh tells Amanda that his eight year old dog has cancer. Amanda is about as interesting as a brown paper bag. A brown paper bag with a baby voice. Josh digs her, but would she really like him?  Andi wrote a tell-all and it's mostly about Josh and how horrible he was. They can be together. I do not care. Nick contemplatively walks on the beach, kicking crabs and not snorkeling with anyone.

Evan has decided to wear a patriotic wife beater with a flag on it. Carly says she needs to stop dating feminine guys. Who will she pick instead? Evan gets the date card and asks Carly. She pauses and says, Sure with hardly any enthusiasm. She has never not wanted to go on a date so much in her life. She decides not to change her clothes at all. They end up walking on to a stage filled with screaming fans. They have a chance to make history tonight by eating peppers in front of people.

Okay, guys, this is where I say good night.