Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Multiple cries for help

Observations: Nick has decided to knock it off with the poet demeanor to take on the beefcake persona. I think he may also be wearing a retainer as he sounds as if he has developed a lisp.

ED and Chad are back. Chad's face has become even more over-grown. Omigod, Chad has a Morkie. Chaplin is a Morkie. But Chap is way cuter. Chad's Mork is white and runny-eyed.

Remember Amanda and her two toddlers and her off the shoulder shirts (perhaps that's where JoJo got the idea)? She's back.

First to arrive is mommy x 2, followed by Nick. This is his third time on a Bachelor type show. Is no one going to comment on the crazy sound of the birds overtaking the stilted dialogue? I forgot that Amanda talks in a baby voice. Jubilee is arrival number three and she has earlier told us that she is practicing not looking like a bitch when her face is resting. Fourth = Evan aka The Penis Guy (according to Jubilee). Amanda likes that he's a dad. Vinny yells and he's in. Then that woman, Carly, who looks like an actress whose name I can't remember, but I will find a photo. When did greasy-looking, close to the head, tri colored hair come into vogue. Next is Grant, =the  black guy, then Cicada, I mean the Canadian.

I just remembered. Carly is the spitting image of Jenna from 30 Rock.


Canadian feels like all the women there are dogs. Or street mutts, rather. What kind of dog is he? I'm going to go with a dookie-eating Newfoundland.


The one-armed lady is back. She could wear a prosthetic. I think I've been over this territory before. Like, why should she conform to the standards, but also, is she just not wearing a prosthetic because the show won't let her because it's more interesting?  Chris goes to her, "Maybe it will work this time. Fingers crossed."  On the one hand.

Twins are next.  Then Izzy, who I don't remember at all, and then Lace, who is wearing--guess what--lace. She feels that she has made so much progress on herself and is now only drinking white wine. Unlike other shows, this one never seems to have commercials. And now, Ashton Kutchner/Jared. My favorite so far is Evan. He seems like the most normal of all and the most against type.

Chad shows up and apologizes to Evan. Lace feels like they've totally hit it off. She's wearing three layers of fake eyelashes. So is Carly. I guess they all are. And the ones who aren't look like they should be. Time to start doing shots and head stands. Here's how this works--if they're not in a serious relationship within 7 hours, they have to go home.

Lace has broken her promise to her yoga-self by getting slurringly-drunk within one hour. She fights with Grant for not asking her enough complex questions about herself. She asks Chad to show her the softer side of himself and then attempts to drown him in a man-made lagoon. Chad says he likes her because she's as psychotic as he is. Both are alphas and so are about to pee on each other. Lace wins.

Jubilee compliments Ashton/Jared by telling him that he's a big nerd and she admires that. Aside: they are sitting under a canopy of pinatas for no discernible reason, except to remind us that this is FUN! Until a clown shows up. The clown says that they are a beauitful couple except that Jared is losing is hair.

Izzy and Vinny couple up in the water. Vinny says he wears his heart on his bicep. Izzy wraps her legs around him as they float in the sea. Lace and Chad are making out and calling each other "bitches." He might beat her. He says he will throw her under a bus and she punches him in the stomach to show him how mean he's being. The crowd watches it happen while eating chicken wings. They are both very drunk and breaking up already as Carly points out, in the shortest amount of time in the show's history. Time for Lace to start crying her fake eyelashes off. Oh, nope, she didn't. She's telling him go drink some water. This show is really about alcohol addiction.

The Canadian guy is asking Chad if he still thinks he's like Hitler or Hannibal Lector. Sarah says she didn't come to paradise to be around drunk jerks who don't respect women. I wonder if he will say anything---oh, he did--he just said, "F*** that one-armed bitch." They all walk away. Sarah is crying. They have to let him stay on the show though because he's good TV. That's the same reason He Who Shall Not be Named (presidential candidate) got where he did. People love to watch bad behavior. I am no different.
Chad passes out and they don't worry that he might die.  A crab crawls in his hair and they turn up the sound effects of snoring as he chokes on his own vomit.

Day dawns and Lace seems to have recovered from her hang over. Chad wakes up without any underwear on. He won't remember any of his antics, such as pooping in his own pants, which, instead of being a red flag, becomes a joke.

How many earrings do the twins have in each ear? Forty.

Chris Harrison does a fake intervention while Chad asks for a glass of wine. Chris asks him if this is the time to be glib and Chad says, "I don't know what that word means, but you're right, it's probably not the time to be glib." Chris reminds Chad that he told everyone on the staff to go suck a dick. Chad doesn't remember. He has been asked to leave. He goes, but leaves behind a single flip flop and tells Chris to go drink his mimosas in his robe.

Until the next ceremony, Chaplin will accept this biscuit.


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