Will JoJo trust her gut or what the producers want?

Watching show with my favorite gal, Liz Webster.

Immediate plug for The Marriott in Thailand. JoJo is definitely falling in love with both of them. When she's with Jordan, she thinks of Robbie and when she's with Robbie, she thinks about the monkeys of Thailand. Her whole sweaty family has been flown to Thailand. Mom has had sixteen facial surgeries, including cheek and lip injections and possibly permanent eyeliner.

JoJo greets Jordan wearing an off the shoulder mini dress--Liz describes it as a pirate shirt that has been partially been ripped off and a purple bra. Her mom is wearing the same. Liz says she appreciates the Jordan is kind of a dandy. I missed the rest of the date because I was taking this photo and emailing it to myself. Jordan brought hats and promised not to break JoJo's precious princess heart.

Next is Robbie with his dipsy-do right hair style. He brings flowers. JoJo wears high-heeled wedges. Mom finds Robbie to have a gentleman demeanor. He shaves his chest. The brothers are skeptical at first, but then realize how cherished their sister feels and how he would be a good father. Mom also wears wedges and has possibly had her boobs done. No one mentions his hair. Robbie asks if dad will let JoJo be married to him and mom says yes, for $10,000 euros and a nose job. They shake on it. Why are we spending so much time with Robbie? This is a red herring.

Both Mom and Dad think Robbie is more husband material because he looks like a banker. JoJo is confused that Jordan didn't follow the arcane ritual of asking for JoJo's hand from the dad as if she were chattel. JoJo is confused about how hard this all is. Oh, wait, there is a sister in law or a sister sitting at the end of the sofa who hasn't said a word. Could she still be torn because she wants someone else or because she doesn't really want either one?

Cut to the live studio audience sitting there in silence as if they've just learned of the death of Princess Diana for the first time. All have been forced to curl their hair and wear solid colors.

I guess she gets one more fantasy date with the two men and several monkeys. Robbie is first. I hate his hair so much and want him to shave. What's his job? I mean, aside from "former competitive swimmer?" They go into the water and she drowns while they are playing chicken. They kiss underwater and we all know how romantic that is with water rushing up your nose. She asks him what he sees as their future. He says they will be sitting on a comfortable sofa from Bo Concept with a dog and meatloaf burning and tons of kids running around who don't want the meatloaf. Awwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He says he will impregnate her in three years or this evening. She then climbs on top of him and it's like they are almost having sex. Now they're talking about how much Robbie loves her. I do not know how to spell his name, okay?  She says he has a heart of gold and he says that he has a "heartburn of gold" which probably just cost him the entire relationship. I hope they get married in swim suits. Or die in a motorboat accident. They are looking nostalgically at photos of themselves together from two weeks ago. Remember when...Yeah, I remember, it just happened.

Okay, here's Jordan. I would say, Finally! But he's a super phony. He cares too much about his hair, but for some reason, I want her to pick him. They're on a pirate ship and Jordan goes, "Look at those ones over there!"

They then take a paddle boat out to a scenic cavern with plastic cups for wine waiting for them. He is coming across as a total phony. He admits he didn't ask her dad for her hand because...It wouldn't be right if he wasn't sure she would want that. Get it? She says that she doubts him, but he says he doesn't feel comfortable because her parents hadn't met Robby and...and...He wants JoJo to know that he doesn't know what she wants or what she would do or what he should say. I think what he's trying to say is that he doesn't know if she would say yes to a proposal and so he doesn't want to ask. This goes on for hours.

 

There is some kind of logical fallacy at play here--is it begging the question? Liz says that they are simultaneously second guessing each other while also saying that they have no doubts. I say it's a false equivocation--i.e., She is making the claim that Jordan's not asking her father for her hand means that he doesn't really want to marry her. 

The day has arrived. The day when the men are forced to pick out diamond rings from K Jewelers. Robbie/y can'd decide whether or not she will look best in a square cut or a princess cut or one where part of the ring falls off to one side so that her bra shows. Jordan does a hail mary pass by calling mom and dad to ask for JoJo's hand in marriage. He picks a ring in the shape of a football, of course.

Two fake letters are sent to JoJo supposedly written by the guys, but she doesn't feel right about either one.  She should make a choice based on penmanship. We are forced to admire their pecs and to wonder about the sizes of their respective penises. Both circumcised? Liz says, yes, especially the competitive swimmer because it will improve his time.

First out of the limo, some ankles in bad argyle socks and loafers. JoJo is dressed in a princess wedding dress and two pounds of foundation. Robby says, "My heart yearns for you, and it makes me weak in the knees, and you only hear about it in fairy tales and I promise I'll love you til the day I die---" Wait, she can't take it. She stops him so that she can snot on his J. Crew outlet jacket because she ill be sending him home. I hope now that Jordan doesn't actually propose.

Dan says that the set looks like Pier 1 Imports had a shipwreck. So many mass-produced Buddhas and tiki lamps.

And now, the one true football player. She is so ready for him. It took everything in him not to run down those stairs, he claims. He loves how she continues to challenge him to be his best self.

No guy talks like this, Emily, just so you know. It never happens outside of TV.

JoJo stops him to tell him how much she loves him, so much! He gets down on one knee despite the splinters. Both of them are shaking, because of how big a leap of faith/huge mistake this is.

Thanks to my texting buddies this season, Miz Kristine and Miz Emily. Stay tuned for BiP (Bachelor in Paradise, starting tomorrow night).  We'll be together again!!

Chappie and Liz say that no, we are not going to live blog After the Final Rose.  

Chap, will you accept this bowl of ice cream?