Monday, February 29, 2016

And then there were three

Three dental hygienists/entrepreneurs/software tuners in search of true love. Let's start with twenty minutes of recaps so that we can be reminded of who is who and be made to feel like they've gone on fifty first dates instead of two twenty minute interactions on the beach. As an aside, don't you just bet that there's a S & M movie out there called Fifty Fist Dates? I am afraid to Google it. Hey, I forgot that JoJo showed up in a unicorn mask. You're right, producers, that changes everything.

This is the fantasy suite episode, where they get to choose whether or not they will spend all night together in the Holiday Inn Deluxe in Jamaica. The suspense factor is zero, because no one in the history of The Bachelor/ette has ever turned down an overnight date card. I did not fact check that statement, but I'm fairly certain I'm right.

First over night date with Caila who he describes as bubbly and exuberant (difference being?). First, they take a quiet and awkward trip down the river on a raft. Ben goes, "This is relaxing." Translation: "We have nothing in common." Caila explains to the camera that she is stressed out because there are two other women he might be in love with. No matter what he says to her, she responds with "Yeah!" They stop at a beach and are served jerky chicken in a giant green fond and drinks in real coconuts with plastic straws from McDonald's. The only black people who manage to stay on the show are the natives of the countries they are exploiting.

Later that night, another conversation in front of the beach with flaming torches that illuminate their shiny faces. Ben, wipe the sweat from under your nostrils, please. A long river of perspiration slides down the divot of his nose. Caila makes a confusing speech like, "Whenever I'm with you, things feel so wrong together and then when we're apart, that feeling grows and I want to tell you that...I love you." They wade into the ocean and make out while fireworks prematurely explode, foreshadowing the three minutes of passion they'll experience momentarily in the fantasy suite. The next morning, Caila looks beautiful and her eyelashes are super curly, perhaps from the humidity.

Second fantasy suite with Lauren H., flight attendant in a pair of denim underwear. They are shown a pail full of baby turtles that will undoubtedly be devoured in seconds by seagulls. Should you pile 25 baby turtles on top of each other in a bucket? They make a mad dash to the ocean, and we are not subjected to the reality of them being eaten one by one by other creatures. Later, Ben and Lauren H. will ironically be served turtle soup prior to relaxing in a hot tub.

I can't capture all that's happened on this boring date, because I had to eat two bowls of Honey Chex. Ben did break all of the rules by saying that he's in love with Lauren. To her perky little face, I mean. They are completely in love with each other (they say as the music swells). He draws the blinds and the lights go out amid smooching noises. Why not just end the show now?

Do any of the women get really pissed off after watching him essentially have the opportunity to have sex with two others? He pays the exact amount of attention to each one with the same level of tepid intensity.

JoJo shows up, braless, runs toward him and wraps her legs around him in the way I hate. She has borrowed Lauren H.'s short shorts. The two brothers show up in a helicopter to whisk her away. Oh, wait, no, they are taking a journey to Negril, Jamaica where waterfalls abound. They appear to have chemistry. Is his tattoo from Psalms? "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Bachelorettes." This would be a deal killer for me. We get a romantic shot of Ben's butt crack as they loll on the rocks. He tells JoJo that he loves her too. What the flip?? He didn't say it to Caila. I looked up his tattoo. It is a Bible verse. It reads “Happy is he who repays you for what you have done to us – he who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks” (Psalm 137:9). No wonder he sent the mommy character home. A bit troublesome that a person who says he's committed to the Lord has no problem making out with twenty different women and spending the night with three of them.

Is he telling them that he loves them so that they will go farther in the fantasy suite? Ben questions JoJo about her family and she says, "My brothers just love me. They want to protect me. They would kill for me, capisce?" She accepts the fantasy card to the Romeo and Juliet Villa at Sandals. Did Ben forget about the fact that she is still communicating with her ex-boyfriend? They wake up and eat watermelon. He leaves with a back pack on, like a Boy Scout.


Ben admits that there is something missing from Caila. Little does he know (as we do from the previews) that she will show up at his resort to make things more complicated. I have a feeling that he's going to wipe that smile off her face, but then again, there's half an hour left. 

You guys, we are being tricked. They don't let them see each other like this. Either this will be the thing that's supposed to change his mind, or it will be heart break for Caila. She really never does stop smiling and acting like a Disney princess. He sits, staring contemplatively into the distance when she bounds over, putting her hands over his face, almost blinding him. Surprise! He won't hold her hand, so I guess he is going to break up with her. She is wearing a crazy amount of foundation, which she probably doesn't need. 
How will they fill up the remaining twenty minutes? 
She smiles even as she's being broken up with. She asks for more answers, like, was it something she did or didn't do in the fantasy suite (see first paragraph re: fisting)?  Is it because she's too non-white for him? I thought she was the one. Let's not forget that he's not that much of catch. She leaves, sobbing in the car but with the perfect amount of curl to her hair. 

He sets us up for the climactic ending by telling the camera that he hopes he didn't make a mistake. 

The best, best, best ending would be if he sent both girls home at the last episode and said he wanted her. I bet that's what they're going to do. He'll be tortured by his choice and not be able to get Caila off his mind and then realize that he has to go to her.Or at least call her on his cell phone.
 

He says, "Right now, I have two true loves." Uh...Oxymoron.
Also:


At the rose ceremony, he forces the remaining women to have a group hug. Lauren H. has to be annoyed that Ben would feel the same way about her as he does about JoJo. Maybe he could propose to both of them? Or neither. Or call Caila. Either way we have to wait two weeks. How will we survive?

Monday, February 22, 2016

There's no place like...

Hometown dates.

First hometown is with the baby voice woman who has a shoulder disability that disallows her from wearing shirts that touch her shoulders. Doctors orders: all shirts must fall off her arms. I've diagnosed eczema.

Her two little girls arrive, also wearing shirts that fall off their shoulders. They wear matching pink cardigans, ponytails and lace up sandals favored by the Kardashians. One daughter goes, "Is that Daddy? Where Daddy go?"  Ben awkwardly plays with the little girls, picking one of them up by her ponytail. This is a serious reality check for him. "Are you the new daddy?"

"I don't know, honey. I haven't given her a rose yet. Let's see what she's made me for dinner."

They drive back from the beach and the littlest baby cries and cries. Amanda's milk comes in.

She lives with her parents? Ben brings a house-warming gift of a paper mache balloon. Ben follows her upstairs to put the baby to bed. The baby screams. Amanda considers giving her up for adoption. Her mom tells Ben that Amanda is very hands-on as a mother. Ben must decide. Does he want to travel the world completely unbound with a hot 24 year old or does he want to move to a small beach town and take care of two toddlers? Hmmm...

Dad seals the deal by telling Ben that if he has kids, he won't be able to go bowling. The toddlers will have to come first. Ben and Amanda kiss goodnight and she goes, "Hey, one last thing, can you help me with the car seat? You have a degree in physics, right? Could you just quickly set up this pack and play?"

Second hometown in Portland, Oregon with Lauren B. He is so relieved that she doesn't have kids. They kiss by the waterfront, their groins immodestly pressed together.

Portland is a much cooler town.

At first, I thought she lived in a castle, but it's actually a whiskey library. Or, as Lauren says, "The whiskey li-berry" (right, Emily?). They sit there, not drinking any whiskey. Dan thinks her lips are too thin. I like it that she's wear a shirt with sleeves, even though it's made of flannel.

I believe that Lauren will be one of the finalists but then will not be chosen as Ben will decide he is in love with Caila. That is my prediction.
She brings him home to meet her dad, mom, sister, brother and brother and the 15 year old chihuahua. I guess at home she goes by Lolo, not to be confused with Lilo. Molly, the sister, will eff it up just like Mary did to Edith last night on Downton Abbey. I believe she might also be hitting on him with her Bambi eyes and pink bra showing. Her shirt is so low cut that her tiny titty might pop out. If we're lucky. Ben can't even focus. His eyes start to water. Turns out he's allergic to the dog. Molly gets a rose. Molly then talks to Lauren who says that she was meant to meet Ben on a reality TV show. Maybe Molly is a therapist. She's really good at making people cry.

This dog is available for adoption.
Third hometown date with Caila, who is the chronic smiler. It's really hard to kiss someone who is smiling all the time. You end up kissing front teeth. I bet she got voted most friendly in her high school yearbook. She first has him color and then she takes him to a factory to make a house out of Playdough and ball bearings. It's not clear to me if she works there or if one of her parents does. She does have a real job--something like software-tician. He sweeps her up in the middle of a factory like in that one movie. What was it....An Officer and a Gentleman, a title that sounds like it's about two men in love but is not. Debra Winger is in it with Richard Gere.


He meets mom and dad. Mom is from the Philippines and dad is a white guy whose eyes are very close together. Ben never actually gets to eat a meal. Caila's mom is beautiful and has braces on both the top and bottom teeth. Maybe she could have taken her retainer out to be on TV? Mom says her daughter has very high standards and hasn't yet met anyone who is at her level. Ben expresses fear that Caila will not accept him even though she doesn't really get to do any of the choosing. None of the women do. Caila tells her dad that she is falling for Ben. Dad says, Darling, there is no rule book to love. Or to the color of your pants (orange).


Final hometown date. JoJo gets a handwritten letter from Ben, who apparently doesn't have an email account. Wait, she didn't get to see the envelope prior to opening the letter because it turns out that the letter is from her ex, Chad! Most "Chads" end up being exes. She cries and paces the living room while the producers focus in on a dozen red roses. She calls Chad and all he can tell her is that he literally has gone through, like, so much since she's been gone. He says he now knows what loves is because she literally showed it to him. Does he know that he's on speakerphone and also on TV?  Phony scene alert. Maybe he and Ben can fight for her love with a good old-fashioned wrestling match.


Uh-oh, Ben has just pulled up wearing a J. Crew oatmeal zipper sweater. Every guy loves to be greeted at the door by a woman crying over her ex boyfriend. She has a huge mirror in her living room ala the reign of Marie Antoinette. She says that she's not nervous about him meeting her family, she's just anxious (aka "nervous").


Has Jojo been away from home for two years? Her brothers yell and scream as she walks in. Mom has had some work done. The brothers are skeptical in their oxford shirts. They look Italian but keep saying y'all. Oh, we're in Texas. It all makes more sense now. Dad is a short bald man with a little mustache. JoJo's brother is also named Ben. Will that cause some problems? No wonder JoJo has a giant mirror. Her parent's house is rife with Victorian furniture and people-sized oil paintings of warriors on horseback and mom's bed is a chariot.

So many tears this last hometown. Mom has perhaps had her lips done five too many times so that her face sort of looks like that living cat woman lady. Dad appear as if his job might be in imports and exports or a former serial killer or he may be a distant relation of Charlie Chaplin.

The brothers want to know if JoJo's sure she can be almost falling in love with him after only two one on one dates. We all wonder that. JoJo's brothers feel that Ben is not that emotionally invested in her. Oh, okay the brothers aren't that bad; they are just warning Ben that they care about their sister and don't want to see her get hurt. The brother says that Ben sounds like he's been coached to say certain things. Yes, well, that's probably true. Is it true that he can't reveal anything to any of them. Mom swigs wine straight out of a bottle.

So, who will be ousted? Would he rather take on two toddlers or two grown men who want to beat the shit out of him?


Final rose ceremony. Come on, get to it. I am usually in bed by now. JoJo seems genuinely glad to see Amanda. Three roses. Four ladies. Please, no more commercial breaks. He should send Amanda home unless he is serious about wanting to be a stepdad. But I don't think JoJo is a mature enough. She's still crying about her ex.

First rose: Lauren. She will accept this rose and also a jacket as she appears to be freezing.
Second rose: Caila. Caila, will you accept this rose and this giant hair curler?
Final rose: JoJo. Which means he really would rather be with one of the remaining two.

Amanda/Mom goes home. She can have her own reality TV show now about being the most beautiful single mom in the world who is not also a teenager. She says she wishes he would've told her sooner and not brought her back out to LA. He says, Did you read the contract? We're on a TV show and I had no choice.


Next week: we go to poverty-stricken Jamaica to experience what Dan is calling the Fellatio Suite. And then Ben will send JoJo home in the least surprising rose ceremony ever.

All of Them Foxes

We are dismayed to learn that Ben drives a huge, gas-guzzling red truck. We are in his hometown of Warsaw, Poland. Seven women left, though Emily (the twin) is a pity keep. He says that this town is where he had most of his firsts. First communion, first high school date, first kiss, first...

Ben's dad is a silver fox.


Lauren gets the first one-on-one date. I can't tell if they are in his house or in a Holiday Inn Suite.

He confesses to Lauren that he was the quarterback of his high school football team and got his first kiss from a girl in the seventh grade. He was in the 12th grade at the time.


Ben takes Lauren to this place where he was a youth counselor. None of the kids remember him since it was so long ago that he volunteered to add the experience to his college application. Ben favors v-neck T-shirts. Two dudes from the Indiana Pacers show up to play basketball with the kids. Is this a fun date? No matter what Lauren does, she looks like a porn star, even while shooting baskets.

Afterwards, he and Lauren sit on a sofa in another nondescript location. His parent's living room? There are three stars on the wall ala Americana art decor. She tells him that he makes her so happy and they kiss. He takes her to his favorite dive bar, the Rex Rendezvous. Lauren tells the camera that she's not in love with Ben the Bachelor from TV but Ben the Bachelor from TV who lives in Indiana. Did you know that Warsaw is the known as the "Orthopedic Capital of the World?" Wikipedia told me that.

JoJo gets the second one-on-one date and it will take place in the Windy City. The women debate for
a while about what it means, because it's pretty windy where they are (says Emily?) but one of the other ones explains that Chicago is considered the Windy City.

I hate when women leap all the way into a guy's arms and wrap her legs around him. I can't take her seriously because she goes by JoJo, which makes me think of a name you would give a poodle or a pizzeria. They go to Wrigley Field. I used to live down the street from there in two bedroom garden apartment with a woman I met in The Chicago Reader. We were roommates for one year and then she moved to Guatemala.

Ben and JoJo have matching shirts with Mr. and Mrs. Higgens written on the back. Dan says, "JoJo Higgens? Sounds a little like Bilbo Baggins." He can't stop saying her name. JoJo, JoJo, JoJo.

Emily gets the next one-on-one and she cries because she is so happy.

How much did it cost them to be able to drink champagne in the middle of Wrigley Field? Guess it's off season. They are served hot dogs on a silver platter. I hate to tell the producers this, but not that many women would consider a dream date one that involves playing baseball and then eating dinner under stadium lights. Even at Wrigley Field. 



Group date with three depressed women who are all so nervous. Only one of the women will get a rose on this date, but the other two can still stick around. It's Becca, Baby Voice, and the only non-blonde. They are at a farm and two of the women have to go row the boat by themselves while Ben rows with Caila.

Next, they fly kites. How much more boring could this get?
Maybe next they could also go pick strawberries or go to baptism or listen to Prairie Home Companion while canning peaches.

Becca tells him that she's scared and he wants to know why. He doesn't understand why she should be insecure when she is one of only seven women that he's dating concurrently.

Caila has time with him and she tells him she is adaptable, like moss of a tree. She truly never stops smiling.

Baby voice gets the rose. She will now be allowed to spend alone time with Ben, churning butter. 

Becca feels "fus-trated." We all know what happens. She will be one of the final two and then be sent home and then he will regret it and ask her for her to come back. A good way to start a relationship is to have it

She wouldn't be crying if she saw the date that Ben was taking Becca on to McDonald's where they are waiting on by an older, worn out blonde woman with a black bow in her hair. He overuses the word awesome. How fun to get to work the drive through window!!

The town is so small that they're throwing a carnival just for Ben and Amanda, hosted by the mayor. Thousands of people have turned out to watch them ride the Tilt a Whirl. Ben wets himself. They do the cliched carousel with the lean-over kiss and then they beat up on some local kids with plastic, inflatable hammers. Oh and a kiss on the Ferris Wheel. I guess the argument of this show is thatyou can fall in love with anyone if the dates are televised and planned out.

One-on-one date with Emily, age 18. He says he thinks that Emily just became her own individual self. All the women are talking about how if Emily meets his family, then they might fall in love more even though she still lives at home and sleeps in a win bed. Oh, she's 23, but she seems really, really young. She meets the parents and can't stop talking. Emily says that she loves ducks and that she didn't know she would blossom into this person that she is. In seven weeks. She has gone from being a girl into a woman.She says that she hopes to be a professional cheerleader one day and that she loves to watch movies and she hates vegetables. Her giddiness makes mom cry. She will be going home. Perhaps she shouldn't have worn her most threadbare pair of jeans.

Ben tells her how great she is and how she's not for him at all. Ben wipes away one tear. I guess he was just attracted to her or attracted to her twin. In the house, the women are thrilled to see that Emily is being sent home, but they must pretend like they are upset. Ben drives off on a pontoon boat.  Emily and all the girls cry about this. I am pretty sure that Emily will rebound just fine.

The bell tolls, signaling the end of one fake relationship and the beginning of yet another fake rose ceremony. The women are pretending that they know that something is off with Ben. Three women left, and two roses. Or is it three roses and two women? Or four women, four roses? He's sending Caila home.

They are standing out in the middle of the street in a place that looks like that town in Back to the Future. Perhaps Marty McFly will mow them back to 1984.

First rose: Lauren.
Second rose: JoJo. I thought she already had a rose?
Final rose: Goes to Becca, of course. Caila will not make it. She is giving him the dead eye. I'm wrong. He's sending Becca home. I thought she made it to the end. She says, Why did you do that? Maybe he will want to go back to her at the end. Stop saying "diddn't."

This was a boring one, I'm sorry. Nothing really happened.


Monday, February 8, 2016

Puppy Bowl, Part II, The Final Chew Toy Ceremony

Did you guys watch the Puppy Bowl last night? If not, you missed a bunch of cute little pups going for squeeze toys, not unlike these ladies, who are chasing after Ben with his fuzzy yet gelled hair.

This is a continuation, remember, as Ben has called a halt to the rose ceremony so he can have a serious discussion with Olivia about why the other women hate her. She says she's different because she doesn't want to do the other girls' nails and braid their hair. "I like to read books and do things like 'think,' so I guess I don't fit it."  Ben gives an impassioned plea about how it's time for him to get serious and give out these fake roses. The twin just flashed her underwear. She hates Olivia so much. Everyone else I know loves Becca, but I find Becca to be mannequin-ish and mannish. Olivia tells the cameraman  that the other women are jealous of her because she has a rose and is not going anywhere and so they can all just "suck it."

And now back to our regularly scheduled rose ceremony:


First rose: Kaila
Second rose: Lauren B.
Third rose: JoJo, JoJo, will you consider changing your name? Absolutely.
Fourth rose: Becca, can you walk with your Barbie toes?
Fifth rose: Rita or Leia, or the girl who has her hair in braids, like Princess Leia.


Final rose: The twin is crying and somewhere in Minnesota, the other twin has inexplicably burst into tears. Emily. Oh, okay, now it's tears of joy.
Going home: Jennifer, you have brown hair, you never really had a chance.Her biggest fear was leaving without him getting to know who she is and it has come true. He says to her, "You're an amazing lady." She says, "You too."

Enough of that, let's get to Puerta Vallarta! (Or whatever third world country they're about to invade). Oh, it's the Bahamas. Let's guess: they will all get their hair done Rastafarian style and strut around in bikinis against a lush beach background with not an ingrown hair in sight. They are not human. Cue the steel drums.

Kaila gets the first one-on-one date. This makes JoJo or Leia tear up.

Ben shows up in shorts with his blue J. Crew linen shirt unbuttoned to his navel. Kaila feels like the luckiest girl in the world to spend another whole day with Ben. He takes her on a sailboat and hands her a wine cooler. She wears denim shorts and a turtleneck tank top. Back at the five bedroom paradise, that one girl is really crying and the other blond girl (the teacher) tries to make out with her to put her in a better mood.

Meanwhile, Kaila suggestively reels in a giant, endangered mariln that Ben forces her to kiss. Is that some weird dating tradition that I luckily missed? "Kiss a fish once, fall in love for an entire day."


Ben finds Kaila to be funny, sexy and smart, but he also sees her bubbliness as off-putting. He wants to know all the layers. He says, "I've noticed that you smile a lot. I'm looking for someone who will cry more or show more than one emotion. I want to know like how you react if someone else is struggling." Now that she's been told she smiles too much, she can't stop smiling. She says, "For me right now, I feel like I love you, but I don't know why I can't share...Maybe it's just that I'm not ready (though she did just tell him she loves him after two dates). My greatest fear is that I can't totally, completely fall in love with somebody. Your biggest fear is being vulnerable and my biggest fear is that I might be breaking your heart." He is confused, and so am I. As retaliation, he will send her home. 

He gives her one more chance by asking for clarification. She says that she feels like her mind and heart are telling her two different things (translation: her heart is telling her that she doesn't like him very much, but her mind is telling her to keep pretending so she can stay on the show and possibly be the next Bachelorette). She gives a speech that makes no sense. She says she feels like she understands him and he understands her, and she wants him in her life and she feels happy, "This is real." I don't know what happened, but he seems relieved that she's smiling less. He gives her the rose. They kiss and sweat on each other.  Perhaps they should both take a look at the PowerPoint below. 


Group date. More steel drums and eight pairs of denim short-shorts where the pockets peek out of the bottoms. They are hinting that this group date ends in a shark-filled blood bath. Instead, pigs come swimming out, their teats floating gently in the salty sea. This is paradise for me. I like pigs and pigs like me. Note: Ben has a tattoo on his side that may be a quote from a Cold Play song or may read,"This side up." They are feeding the pigs hot dogs (doesn't that bother anyone? Forcing the pigs to be cannibals?). One of the pigs is wearing eyeliner. JoJo is getting attacked by pigs, others pick up the baby piglets. This is the best thing that has ever happened on this show. 

Leia is crying and telling Ben that she feels ignored and that it's not fair that he went on a single date with someone he already got to know. A pig squeals in the background. He gives her a brotherly hug. She wears anchor earrings, did he even notice that??? 

Later, back at the cabana, he pulls Becca aside and says that he feels like she's being stand-offish. She says everyone knows he has the hots for Lauren B. She pets his hair. I mean, she is super beautiful, there's no doubt. He then reassures the mom with the baby voice that it's real. He does not tell her that she has a red wine stain on her usually Crest-white teeth. A hurricane is brewing, foreshadowing the two-on-one date. Ben writes a card with the word "sea" either purposefully or accidentally spelled wrong. Olivia says she feels like she will be baby-sitting her daughter on the date with little Emily. 

Leah/Leia has time alone with Ben and she uses it to sell out Lauren B., saying she's a phony. She is wearing false eyelashes, but I don't really see her as phony. This technique always backfires, because the one who tattle-tales gets sent home. Lauren B. interrupts (Aside: is there another Lauren? If not, why do they have to always refer to her as Lauren B.)? He plays with her ear lobe. She quickly puts her hair into a top knot. Leah gets called out and lies, saying she would never say anything mean behind anyone's back, at least not by using Lauren B.'s actual name. All the girls love touching each other's hair. 


How can Lauren B. cry so much and yet her mascara doesn't run and her fake eyelashes stay lacquered in place? He will give the rose to Lauren B. because she cried the most and because she has the tiniest mouth. Oh, no, it actually goes to B.V. Amanda.  

Leah is putting on lipstick and brushing her hair, because the producers have told her that she must
sneak out to try to see Ben for better television. Ben sits waiting, pretending to be watching CNN. Knock-knock. Like, all of the women would do this if they could. I find this embarrassing. He pours her a goldfish goblet of red wine. I wonder if they paid her a lot of money to play this role? She's sitting with Ben and instead of talking about herself and getting to know him better, she ends up alienating him by prattling on about Lauren B. He says that something is missing and something doesn't feel right. He sends her home. This is fake. She goes, "Oh, okay, yeah, sure." Another brotherly hug. He says, "Our sparks have been few and far between." She literally did not see that coming. She also says, "It is what it is." She trundles off into the night, dragging her pink Caboodle behind her.

Two-on-one date with the female nemesis-is. They go on a very fast boat and their hair dos are totally getting fucked up. Who are those other people on the boat? I guess they are going to have to dive for oysters. Olivia strategically puts her hair in a bun while Emily's hair flails about and gets into her mouth. Olivia talks about how she knows who she is and she how she's grounded and likes to have intellectual talks, because that's her "jam." And how she's confident and an introvert and in love with him. She then forces him to kiss her. Emily says she knows that she has a lot of growth to do. Mostly, she needs a rubber band. Is this a fifteen minute date? He's about to give the rose to not Olivia. He realizes that when Olivia tells him that she loves him/her, he can't reciprocate those feelings. Olivia stands near a spout of water, unable to speak for once. All the women are shocked when her suitcase is taken out of the suite. Olivia thought Ben wanted everything that she is. They're going to leave her stranded on the island with geysers of water representing her tears blowing into the air around her like so many whale spouts of lost love as rose petals wash out to sea...


Ben is so upset about what just happened and plus they've run out of air time so the cocktail party has been cancelled. Shot of him standing on a cliff in a Versace suit. Many of the women already have roses. He says "didn't" like this: "Didddnt."  He has a tiny bit of chest hair peeking out of his light pink shirt.

A bevy of blondes remain.



First rose: Becca, who will win.
Second rose: JoJo who was having a nervous breakdown.
Final rose: either the teacher or Lauren B. will go home. Or maybe the teacher is also named Lauren. She is going home. Lauren B. will stay and Lauren AB+ will go back to her job teaching elementary school kids and getting paste smeared on her face.

For the rest of the season: BV Mom continues to wear shoulder less shirts. We will be going on home town dates to Chicago, Peoria, Minneapolis, and Tacoma. Next week on Sunday will be a special Valentine's Day bachelor reunion with the girl who is always catching her tears with her fingertips.I believe she also has a twin sister? Will you be( n) my valentine?


Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Aloha, Mexico or Buenos Tardes, Maui--What's the diff to these ladies?

Eek!! They're in Mexico! In a resort called the Four Seasons! They will never have to see any barefoot children unless they're streaking by on a moped.

The one-on-one date goes to Amanda, mother of two, with the baby voice to beat the band. They go up in a hot air balloon and her helium-voice powers the balloon into the air. She favors blouses that barely cover her chest. Oh, okay, they're are going to an intimate dinner in a hotel lobby. She wears a black bath towel. I am certain that if he rubbed a handkerchief on her cheek, it would come away with one-inch of foundation on it. She is admitting to Ben that her ex-husband was a cheater. "It was like, he was like, I would like, look at his, like phone? And there was all of these like ex girlfriends and like, you know, it was like, what? And I said like, What, like, gives?" He hands her a rose and she gives him a hug and a smoochy kiss. "Let's see where this can go." Up, up and away!


The women are on a group date, practicing how to say "I love you" in Spanish. Jubilee won't let him say the same things to her as he does to every other girl. He says, "I want to kiss. I am falling in love with  alles of ya'll." Oh, okay, now we're in the market, and the focus is only on the women so we don't see anything untoward such as poverty. They're going to buy fresh meat and cheese and are introduced to Nico and his sister who run the restaurant. It's a cook off to see who will make the better recipes. Here's the catch everybody, The recipes are written in Spanish! Come se dice "guacamole?" The women get mad because Olivia gloms onto Ben and so does Jubilee. He picks Olivia and Jubilee's self-esteem continues to plummet. Olivdiaz's loveliness shines through the fact that all of her teeth are the same length (see previous blog post about Becca). I've added a picture above of Sister Carmelita, who is serving Mexican food.

Emily is claiming that Olivia has terrible breath and that's why Ben is feeding her fresh mint with his hands. They probably all have terrible breath from not eating any food for three weeks. What's with the top knots? Lauren, the elementary ed teacher is muy excitado about her date with Ben!!! She has that one super aggressive dimple in her face that looks like it was made by a hatchet. The brother with the wax mustache tests the food along with his sister with a ladder-like braid. One of the women should go for him. He's adorable. Olivia says, "I put some crickets on top of the dish because people here love to eat crickets."  I don't particularly like any of these women, except for maybe Kaila. And Jubilee, but she will never make it. They don't deal with issues of race or racial inequality on the show, so they have scenes where she's surrounded by a bunch of blond white women and she says, "I just feel out of place," and that's where the analysis stops. "Why do I feel as if I don't belong?" Well, at least she gets to win the cooking competition. 

Olivia almost accidentally on purposes says that she loves him. I don't like it when people talk through a kiss, which is what she just did. Next, Emily comes to interrupt. He gives Emily a brotherly kiss. I like the girl Jennifer, but she won't make it to the next episode. How much time does each person get to spend with him? The girl in the two piece white dress makes out with him the most. Jubilee gets her turn and she's annoyed and going to make it worse. She says that she feels like she's overshadowed by all of the blondes. Ben asks her if it's been difficult. She says, "Do you remember little old me?" Now, because she has pulled away, Ben is telling her that he's no longer interested. He then asks Jubilee to leave. What he doesn't say is, "Thanks for being the token black woman for the last four shows. I am sorry that your entire family was killed and you survived and made it on to this reality TV show that means nothing, but you are still not the girl for me."

I should stop watching this show. It makes me feel icky inside, especially that none of the women ever, ever evaluate the guy. They just automatically LOVE him and feel rejected and devalued when he doesn't pay attention to them.  

JoJo takes it on herself to make Ben feel better by making out with him. So, it's all okay now! The women are all secretly thrilled that he sent her home, mostly because it means one less person in the final rose ceremony. 

Ben is taking Lauren to have that thing on her face removed. She wears a Mexican style top and Ben puts on a poncho. He's cute, but he's not my type. I don't think these women would notice him either if they weren't all competing for his attention.





Lauren is given a hair style and put into a fashion show and Ben has his hair styled into a Back Street Boys brush up.

He takes Lauren to dinner to see if there is more to her than just her talent with making arts & crafts with children, which is important to him, but perhaps not as important as oral sex & crafts. He needs to know if they are more than friends. He likes that she's funny and that she speaks from her heart (what has she said from the heart? That she likes somberors?). She covers her entire face when she laughs.  He says, "When it's right, it's so right. When it's wrong, it's so wrong."  She says that she knows who she is and she was in a serious relationship for four years and then suddenly, he broke up with her. Again, a cheater. Meanwhile, all of these women who have had their hearts broken by a cheating guy have decided to date a man who is openly dating twenty other women. 

Is he falling asleep as she's talking? I know I am.


Final cocktail party as the women talk about how they really can see how they can build a life with him. Not just a life with him, but "like a life" which is exactly what they will get if they marry someone they met on a TV show. Olivia accidentally told the woman with the two kids that she reminds her of the show Teen Mom. Emily goes and tattles on Olivia and starts sobbing. Olivia goes to intercept. This is the part where Ben has to figure out what's going on. She just gave him a cock ring to wear on his pinkie. Emily is sad, but she appreciates how it has made her dig down deep and figure out who the fuck she is (her expletive, not mine). 

Final sombrero ceremony. 
 

2 minutes left and so it's definitely going to be continued.
 
Next week: Six blondes cry. They are all questioning everything. Doors slam. Ben stands tormeneted on a beach in a Versace suit.