Monday, February 8, 2016

Puppy Bowl, Part II, The Final Chew Toy Ceremony

Did you guys watch the Puppy Bowl last night? If not, you missed a bunch of cute little pups going for squeeze toys, not unlike these ladies, who are chasing after Ben with his fuzzy yet gelled hair.

This is a continuation, remember, as Ben has called a halt to the rose ceremony so he can have a serious discussion with Olivia about why the other women hate her. She says she's different because she doesn't want to do the other girls' nails and braid their hair. "I like to read books and do things like 'think,' so I guess I don't fit it."  Ben gives an impassioned plea about how it's time for him to get serious and give out these fake roses. The twin just flashed her underwear. She hates Olivia so much. Everyone else I know loves Becca, but I find Becca to be mannequin-ish and mannish. Olivia tells the cameraman  that the other women are jealous of her because she has a rose and is not going anywhere and so they can all just "suck it."

And now back to our regularly scheduled rose ceremony:


First rose: Kaila
Second rose: Lauren B.
Third rose: JoJo, JoJo, will you consider changing your name? Absolutely.
Fourth rose: Becca, can you walk with your Barbie toes?
Fifth rose: Rita or Leia, or the girl who has her hair in braids, like Princess Leia.


Final rose: The twin is crying and somewhere in Minnesota, the other twin has inexplicably burst into tears. Emily. Oh, okay, now it's tears of joy.
Going home: Jennifer, you have brown hair, you never really had a chance.Her biggest fear was leaving without him getting to know who she is and it has come true. He says to her, "You're an amazing lady." She says, "You too."

Enough of that, let's get to Puerta Vallarta! (Or whatever third world country they're about to invade). Oh, it's the Bahamas. Let's guess: they will all get their hair done Rastafarian style and strut around in bikinis against a lush beach background with not an ingrown hair in sight. They are not human. Cue the steel drums.

Kaila gets the first one-on-one date. This makes JoJo or Leia tear up.

Ben shows up in shorts with his blue J. Crew linen shirt unbuttoned to his navel. Kaila feels like the luckiest girl in the world to spend another whole day with Ben. He takes her on a sailboat and hands her a wine cooler. She wears denim shorts and a turtleneck tank top. Back at the five bedroom paradise, that one girl is really crying and the other blond girl (the teacher) tries to make out with her to put her in a better mood.

Meanwhile, Kaila suggestively reels in a giant, endangered mariln that Ben forces her to kiss. Is that some weird dating tradition that I luckily missed? "Kiss a fish once, fall in love for an entire day."


Ben finds Kaila to be funny, sexy and smart, but he also sees her bubbliness as off-putting. He wants to know all the layers. He says, "I've noticed that you smile a lot. I'm looking for someone who will cry more or show more than one emotion. I want to know like how you react if someone else is struggling." Now that she's been told she smiles too much, she can't stop smiling. She says, "For me right now, I feel like I love you, but I don't know why I can't share...Maybe it's just that I'm not ready (though she did just tell him she loves him after two dates). My greatest fear is that I can't totally, completely fall in love with somebody. Your biggest fear is being vulnerable and my biggest fear is that I might be breaking your heart." He is confused, and so am I. As retaliation, he will send her home. 

He gives her one more chance by asking for clarification. She says that she feels like her mind and heart are telling her two different things (translation: her heart is telling her that she doesn't like him very much, but her mind is telling her to keep pretending so she can stay on the show and possibly be the next Bachelorette). She gives a speech that makes no sense. She says she feels like she understands him and he understands her, and she wants him in her life and she feels happy, "This is real." I don't know what happened, but he seems relieved that she's smiling less. He gives her the rose. They kiss and sweat on each other.  Perhaps they should both take a look at the PowerPoint below. 


Group date. More steel drums and eight pairs of denim short-shorts where the pockets peek out of the bottoms. They are hinting that this group date ends in a shark-filled blood bath. Instead, pigs come swimming out, their teats floating gently in the salty sea. This is paradise for me. I like pigs and pigs like me. Note: Ben has a tattoo on his side that may be a quote from a Cold Play song or may read,"This side up." They are feeding the pigs hot dogs (doesn't that bother anyone? Forcing the pigs to be cannibals?). One of the pigs is wearing eyeliner. JoJo is getting attacked by pigs, others pick up the baby piglets. This is the best thing that has ever happened on this show. 

Leia is crying and telling Ben that she feels ignored and that it's not fair that he went on a single date with someone he already got to know. A pig squeals in the background. He gives her a brotherly hug. She wears anchor earrings, did he even notice that??? 

Later, back at the cabana, he pulls Becca aside and says that he feels like she's being stand-offish. She says everyone knows he has the hots for Lauren B. She pets his hair. I mean, she is super beautiful, there's no doubt. He then reassures the mom with the baby voice that it's real. He does not tell her that she has a red wine stain on her usually Crest-white teeth. A hurricane is brewing, foreshadowing the two-on-one date. Ben writes a card with the word "sea" either purposefully or accidentally spelled wrong. Olivia says she feels like she will be baby-sitting her daughter on the date with little Emily. 

Leah/Leia has time alone with Ben and she uses it to sell out Lauren B., saying she's a phony. She is wearing false eyelashes, but I don't really see her as phony. This technique always backfires, because the one who tattle-tales gets sent home. Lauren B. interrupts (Aside: is there another Lauren? If not, why do they have to always refer to her as Lauren B.)? He plays with her ear lobe. She quickly puts her hair into a top knot. Leah gets called out and lies, saying she would never say anything mean behind anyone's back, at least not by using Lauren B.'s actual name. All the girls love touching each other's hair. 


How can Lauren B. cry so much and yet her mascara doesn't run and her fake eyelashes stay lacquered in place? He will give the rose to Lauren B. because she cried the most and because she has the tiniest mouth. Oh, no, it actually goes to B.V. Amanda.  

Leah is putting on lipstick and brushing her hair, because the producers have told her that she must
sneak out to try to see Ben for better television. Ben sits waiting, pretending to be watching CNN. Knock-knock. Like, all of the women would do this if they could. I find this embarrassing. He pours her a goldfish goblet of red wine. I wonder if they paid her a lot of money to play this role? She's sitting with Ben and instead of talking about herself and getting to know him better, she ends up alienating him by prattling on about Lauren B. He says that something is missing and something doesn't feel right. He sends her home. This is fake. She goes, "Oh, okay, yeah, sure." Another brotherly hug. He says, "Our sparks have been few and far between." She literally did not see that coming. She also says, "It is what it is." She trundles off into the night, dragging her pink Caboodle behind her.

Two-on-one date with the female nemesis-is. They go on a very fast boat and their hair dos are totally getting fucked up. Who are those other people on the boat? I guess they are going to have to dive for oysters. Olivia strategically puts her hair in a bun while Emily's hair flails about and gets into her mouth. Olivia talks about how she knows who she is and she how she's grounded and likes to have intellectual talks, because that's her "jam." And how she's confident and an introvert and in love with him. She then forces him to kiss her. Emily says she knows that she has a lot of growth to do. Mostly, she needs a rubber band. Is this a fifteen minute date? He's about to give the rose to not Olivia. He realizes that when Olivia tells him that she loves him/her, he can't reciprocate those feelings. Olivia stands near a spout of water, unable to speak for once. All the women are shocked when her suitcase is taken out of the suite. Olivia thought Ben wanted everything that she is. They're going to leave her stranded on the island with geysers of water representing her tears blowing into the air around her like so many whale spouts of lost love as rose petals wash out to sea...


Ben is so upset about what just happened and plus they've run out of air time so the cocktail party has been cancelled. Shot of him standing on a cliff in a Versace suit. Many of the women already have roses. He says "didn't" like this: "Didddnt."  He has a tiny bit of chest hair peeking out of his light pink shirt.

A bevy of blondes remain.



First rose: Becca, who will win.
Second rose: JoJo who was having a nervous breakdown.
Final rose: either the teacher or Lauren B. will go home. Or maybe the teacher is also named Lauren. She is going home. Lauren B. will stay and Lauren AB+ will go back to her job teaching elementary school kids and getting paste smeared on her face.

For the rest of the season: BV Mom continues to wear shoulder less shirts. We will be going on home town dates to Chicago, Peoria, Minneapolis, and Tacoma. Next week on Sunday will be a special Valentine's Day bachelor reunion with the girl who is always catching her tears with her fingertips.I believe she also has a twin sister? Will you be( n) my valentine?


No comments: