Monday, February 29, 2016

And then there were three

Three dental hygienists/entrepreneurs/software tuners in search of true love. Let's start with twenty minutes of recaps so that we can be reminded of who is who and be made to feel like they've gone on fifty first dates instead of two twenty minute interactions on the beach. As an aside, don't you just bet that there's a S & M movie out there called Fifty Fist Dates? I am afraid to Google it. Hey, I forgot that JoJo showed up in a unicorn mask. You're right, producers, that changes everything.

This is the fantasy suite episode, where they get to choose whether or not they will spend all night together in the Holiday Inn Deluxe in Jamaica. The suspense factor is zero, because no one in the history of The Bachelor/ette has ever turned down an overnight date card. I did not fact check that statement, but I'm fairly certain I'm right.

First over night date with Caila who he describes as bubbly and exuberant (difference being?). First, they take a quiet and awkward trip down the river on a raft. Ben goes, "This is relaxing." Translation: "We have nothing in common." Caila explains to the camera that she is stressed out because there are two other women he might be in love with. No matter what he says to her, she responds with "Yeah!" They stop at a beach and are served jerky chicken in a giant green fond and drinks in real coconuts with plastic straws from McDonald's. The only black people who manage to stay on the show are the natives of the countries they are exploiting.

Later that night, another conversation in front of the beach with flaming torches that illuminate their shiny faces. Ben, wipe the sweat from under your nostrils, please. A long river of perspiration slides down the divot of his nose. Caila makes a confusing speech like, "Whenever I'm with you, things feel so wrong together and then when we're apart, that feeling grows and I want to tell you that...I love you." They wade into the ocean and make out while fireworks prematurely explode, foreshadowing the three minutes of passion they'll experience momentarily in the fantasy suite. The next morning, Caila looks beautiful and her eyelashes are super curly, perhaps from the humidity.

Second fantasy suite with Lauren H., flight attendant in a pair of denim underwear. They are shown a pail full of baby turtles that will undoubtedly be devoured in seconds by seagulls. Should you pile 25 baby turtles on top of each other in a bucket? They make a mad dash to the ocean, and we are not subjected to the reality of them being eaten one by one by other creatures. Later, Ben and Lauren H. will ironically be served turtle soup prior to relaxing in a hot tub.

I can't capture all that's happened on this boring date, because I had to eat two bowls of Honey Chex. Ben did break all of the rules by saying that he's in love with Lauren. To her perky little face, I mean. They are completely in love with each other (they say as the music swells). He draws the blinds and the lights go out amid smooching noises. Why not just end the show now?

Do any of the women get really pissed off after watching him essentially have the opportunity to have sex with two others? He pays the exact amount of attention to each one with the same level of tepid intensity.

JoJo shows up, braless, runs toward him and wraps her legs around him in the way I hate. She has borrowed Lauren H.'s short shorts. The two brothers show up in a helicopter to whisk her away. Oh, wait, no, they are taking a journey to Negril, Jamaica where waterfalls abound. They appear to have chemistry. Is his tattoo from Psalms? "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Bachelorettes." This would be a deal killer for me. We get a romantic shot of Ben's butt crack as they loll on the rocks. He tells JoJo that he loves her too. What the flip?? He didn't say it to Caila. I looked up his tattoo. It is a Bible verse. It reads “Happy is he who repays you for what you have done to us – he who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks” (Psalm 137:9). No wonder he sent the mommy character home. A bit troublesome that a person who says he's committed to the Lord has no problem making out with twenty different women and spending the night with three of them.

Is he telling them that he loves them so that they will go farther in the fantasy suite? Ben questions JoJo about her family and she says, "My brothers just love me. They want to protect me. They would kill for me, capisce?" She accepts the fantasy card to the Romeo and Juliet Villa at Sandals. Did Ben forget about the fact that she is still communicating with her ex-boyfriend? They wake up and eat watermelon. He leaves with a back pack on, like a Boy Scout.


Ben admits that there is something missing from Caila. Little does he know (as we do from the previews) that she will show up at his resort to make things more complicated. I have a feeling that he's going to wipe that smile off her face, but then again, there's half an hour left. 

You guys, we are being tricked. They don't let them see each other like this. Either this will be the thing that's supposed to change his mind, or it will be heart break for Caila. She really never does stop smiling and acting like a Disney princess. He sits, staring contemplatively into the distance when she bounds over, putting her hands over his face, almost blinding him. Surprise! He won't hold her hand, so I guess he is going to break up with her. She is wearing a crazy amount of foundation, which she probably doesn't need. 
How will they fill up the remaining twenty minutes? 
She smiles even as she's being broken up with. She asks for more answers, like, was it something she did or didn't do in the fantasy suite (see first paragraph re: fisting)?  Is it because she's too non-white for him? I thought she was the one. Let's not forget that he's not that much of catch. She leaves, sobbing in the car but with the perfect amount of curl to her hair. 

He sets us up for the climactic ending by telling the camera that he hopes he didn't make a mistake. 

The best, best, best ending would be if he sent both girls home at the last episode and said he wanted her. I bet that's what they're going to do. He'll be tortured by his choice and not be able to get Caila off his mind and then realize that he has to go to her.Or at least call her on his cell phone.
 

He says, "Right now, I have two true loves." Uh...Oxymoron.
Also:


At the rose ceremony, he forces the remaining women to have a group hug. Lauren H. has to be annoyed that Ben would feel the same way about her as he does about JoJo. Maybe he could propose to both of them? Or neither. Or call Caila. Either way we have to wait two weeks. How will we survive?

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