All of Them Foxes

We are dismayed to learn that Ben drives a huge, gas-guzzling red truck. We are in his hometown of Warsaw, Poland. Seven women left, though Emily (the twin) is a pity keep. He says that this town is where he had most of his firsts. First communion, first high school date, first kiss, first...

Ben's dad is a silver fox.


Lauren gets the first one-on-one date. I can't tell if they are in his house or in a Holiday Inn Suite.

He confesses to Lauren that he was the quarterback of his high school football team and got his first kiss from a girl in the seventh grade. He was in the 12th grade at the time.


Ben takes Lauren to this place where he was a youth counselor. None of the kids remember him since it was so long ago that he volunteered to add the experience to his college application. Ben favors v-neck T-shirts. Two dudes from the Indiana Pacers show up to play basketball with the kids. Is this a fun date? No matter what Lauren does, she looks like a porn star, even while shooting baskets.

Afterwards, he and Lauren sit on a sofa in another nondescript location. His parent's living room? There are three stars on the wall ala Americana art decor. She tells him that he makes her so happy and they kiss. He takes her to his favorite dive bar, the Rex Rendezvous. Lauren tells the camera that she's not in love with Ben the Bachelor from TV but Ben the Bachelor from TV who lives in Indiana. Did you know that Warsaw is the known as the "Orthopedic Capital of the World?" Wikipedia told me that.

JoJo gets the second one-on-one date and it will take place in the Windy City. The women debate for
a while about what it means, because it's pretty windy where they are (says Emily?) but one of the other ones explains that Chicago is considered the Windy City.

I hate when women leap all the way into a guy's arms and wrap her legs around him. I can't take her seriously because she goes by JoJo, which makes me think of a name you would give a poodle or a pizzeria. They go to Wrigley Field. I used to live down the street from there in two bedroom garden apartment with a woman I met in The Chicago Reader. We were roommates for one year and then she moved to Guatemala.

Ben and JoJo have matching shirts with Mr. and Mrs. Higgens written on the back. Dan says, "JoJo Higgens? Sounds a little like Bilbo Baggins." He can't stop saying her name. JoJo, JoJo, JoJo.

Emily gets the next one-on-one and she cries because she is so happy.

How much did it cost them to be able to drink champagne in the middle of Wrigley Field? Guess it's off season. They are served hot dogs on a silver platter. I hate to tell the producers this, but not that many women would consider a dream date one that involves playing baseball and then eating dinner under stadium lights. Even at Wrigley Field. 



Group date with three depressed women who are all so nervous. Only one of the women will get a rose on this date, but the other two can still stick around. It's Becca, Baby Voice, and the only non-blonde. They are at a farm and two of the women have to go row the boat by themselves while Ben rows with Caila.

Next, they fly kites. How much more boring could this get?
Maybe next they could also go pick strawberries or go to baptism or listen to Prairie Home Companion while canning peaches.

Becca tells him that she's scared and he wants to know why. He doesn't understand why she should be insecure when she is one of only seven women that he's dating concurrently.

Caila has time with him and she tells him she is adaptable, like moss of a tree. She truly never stops smiling.

Baby voice gets the rose. She will now be allowed to spend alone time with Ben, churning butter. 

Becca feels "fus-trated." We all know what happens. She will be one of the final two and then be sent home and then he will regret it and ask her for her to come back. A good way to start a relationship is to have it

She wouldn't be crying if she saw the date that Ben was taking Becca on to McDonald's where they are waiting on by an older, worn out blonde woman with a black bow in her hair. He overuses the word awesome. How fun to get to work the drive through window!!

The town is so small that they're throwing a carnival just for Ben and Amanda, hosted by the mayor. Thousands of people have turned out to watch them ride the Tilt a Whirl. Ben wets himself. They do the cliched carousel with the lean-over kiss and then they beat up on some local kids with plastic, inflatable hammers. Oh and a kiss on the Ferris Wheel. I guess the argument of this show is thatyou can fall in love with anyone if the dates are televised and planned out.

One-on-one date with Emily, age 18. He says he thinks that Emily just became her own individual self. All the women are talking about how if Emily meets his family, then they might fall in love more even though she still lives at home and sleeps in a win bed. Oh, she's 23, but she seems really, really young. She meets the parents and can't stop talking. Emily says that she loves ducks and that she didn't know she would blossom into this person that she is. In seven weeks. She has gone from being a girl into a woman.She says that she hopes to be a professional cheerleader one day and that she loves to watch movies and she hates vegetables. Her giddiness makes mom cry. She will be going home. Perhaps she shouldn't have worn her most threadbare pair of jeans.

Ben tells her how great she is and how she's not for him at all. Ben wipes away one tear. I guess he was just attracted to her or attracted to her twin. In the house, the women are thrilled to see that Emily is being sent home, but they must pretend like they are upset. Ben drives off on a pontoon boat.  Emily and all the girls cry about this. I am pretty sure that Emily will rebound just fine.

The bell tolls, signaling the end of one fake relationship and the beginning of yet another fake rose ceremony. The women are pretending that they know that something is off with Ben. Three women left, and two roses. Or is it three roses and two women? Or four women, four roses? He's sending Caila home.

They are standing out in the middle of the street in a place that looks like that town in Back to the Future. Perhaps Marty McFly will mow them back to 1984.

First rose: Lauren.
Second rose: JoJo. I thought she already had a rose?
Final rose: Goes to Becca, of course. Caila will not make it. She is giving him the dead eye. I'm wrong. He's sending Becca home. I thought she made it to the end. She says, Why did you do that? Maybe he will want to go back to her at the end. Stop saying "diddn't."

This was a boring one, I'm sorry. Nothing really happened.


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