Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Go, JoJo, go

In the inevitable movie of JoJo's transformative life (after The Bachelorette, she becomes an activist for small children in a third world country, accidentally concocts a vaccine, and is assassinated by a former Bachelor competitor while receiving the Nobel Peace Prize), she will be played by Rose Byrne. Right??!!

And now, on to the second episode. Side note: Possibilities are never endless, as one of the men says. Previews show us that everyone hates Chad. I mean, duh, his name is "Chad." He has been cast as the ass who is not "HFTRR" ("here for the right reasons").

Vinny, Ali, Robbi, Tobi, Tommy, Tinky and Foofy are on the group date. All of the men are forced to wear black V-neck T-shirts. They send in a black limousine that's on fire and guess what? In comes a fire engine bearing JoJo, wearing a white tank top and yellow waders with suspenders to spray down the fire with a hose, thereby illustrating how she would be at a hand job (overwhelmed, just pretending to enjoy it).

Group date also includes fire fighter training so that JoJo can know which "one of you can take care of her during an emergency situation." They dress up like fire men/lumberjacks/strippers. The actual fire fighter, Grant, better not have lied on his audition form.

The men have to show that they can unspool and spool a fire hose while running around barrels and trying to open a locked door with a crowbar while kittens are almost falling into barrels of oil. Wells might puke. Next, they have to chop wood. None of these things would actually help JoJo unless she gets trapped behind a locked door or stuck at the top of a tree.

Back at home, the guys are having a sing-a-long with the guitar dude who is only on the show so that he can forward his career. I think it's so interesting how the men really have no trouble bonding and making up songs about JoJo, rhyming with "Ho Mo." whereas on the Bachelor, they show is skewed so that the women are immediately down each others throats. 

Unsurprisingly, Grant, the fire fighter, is able to save JoJo in the race that's set up for the guys to earn extra one-on-one time. I mean, God, if he hadn't, how awful. JoJo makes out with him and we get a close-up of a very large zit on his chin.

Derek gets the first one-on-one date card and the former pro quarterback is green with envy. I don't think Wells will make it because of his anemia. JoJo wears a white sleeveless turtleneck dress, if you can imagine. She pulls Well aside and offers to give him a blood transfusion. He shows her a picture of him and his bloodhound, Carl. Luke, the war veteran, has been told that he will be hotter if his hair stands on end. The ED guy  actually has kids. Another guy wears a white high neck with a tiny white rose. Luke has on a black leather jacket and a white tee and his dog tags are out, in case you weren't sure that he was in the military. He reminds me of the kids on Dawson's Creek who were pretending to play teenagers but are actually in their mid-twenties.  Remember Pacey? Like that.

Derek prepares for his 1 on 1 date by wearing a three-quarter sleeved baseball shirt from the Gap where his chest hair creeps out of the top. They drive away in a baby blue convertible Chevrolet(?) They must choose sky or sea, North or South, plane or train. This is like a "choose your own adventure" date. They end up in San Fransisco near the Golden Gate Bridge with a bottle of chardonnay. He has been coached to touch her hair when they kiss.

Later, she puts on a sparkly dress (with sleeves). JoJo recaps the date for us as if we weren't just watching it. She asks Derek what happened in his last relationship. He stutters. His last relationship was in seventh grade. This girl from Canada. They met on summer vacation. She had leukemia and a twin sister. He can't really talk about it. They are both thankful to have been on this date. I worry that he reminds her of her brother. She gives him a rose. Dan says, "I've fallen in love with Derek too." Cue spotlighted fountains and a kiss in silhouette.

The group date is a game show hosted by some guy I should probably recognize but don't. The singer sings, of course, and then they high-five. The guys are asked who JoJo should not pick and why and it's always Chad in part because he called JoJo a nag. JoJo wonders if she should be worried about him. The host asks Chad if he would want to marry a nag and he says he doesn't know her at all, but that she is beautiful, he's not going to lie. He feels that everyone is fake and they should stop acting like they are in love with her and he won't pretend what he doesn't feel. I mean, I don't disagree with him. JoJo says she appreciates his honesty. She likes that about him but isn't sure if he's really just a nice guy disguised as a douche. Who are Max and Marcellus? I'm guessing that they host some kind of ABC football show. They are giving them Rose Rankings. Number 3 is Alex, the short one. He's doomed. Number 2 for emotional honesty is Chad. Number 1 in the Rose Rankings is...James Taylor, the singer. Chad narrows his eyes. All of the men are sweating and have tattoos. Chad says he does not care at all that the men are so sensitive. 

James T. says that a smile is the only thing you can see on the outside that comes from the inside. I'm immediately putting that on a T-shirt (some of it may have to go on the back). He mumbles a poem about how he loves God and family, how he wishes he would have a pony and he's glad he got a rose and some guys went home. JoJo sheds a tear. He kisses it away with his tongue. He may have a perm, but it suits him. Dan says he can see them going out TGIFridays together. JoJo wears a white sweater and leather pants in 90 degree weather. Why do they make the little guy sit in a giant chair? Nick is cute, but Chad thinks he is trying too hard. Jordan bites his lip a lot because someone once told him that she liked that. Chad hasn't been in a relationship in four years because he's working too hard. Also, his mom died, and he has a Maltese who reminds him of his mother, so he will get a kiss. JoJo has on fake eyelashes and sparkles. They kiss after she drops a coin in a fake well.

Alex (short) thinks Chad is the highest level of D-bag. This may be a Dungeons and Dragons reference. She's about to give out the promise keeper rose and it goes to James, oh, my, goodness, he says. He is a sweetheart, but he may have a giant jaw. He's sort of a ginger, and I have a soft spot for gingers. 

Cocktail party and Chad pulls JoJo aside so he can stick his tongue down her throat. The guys vie for JoJo's attention while Chad chows down. Someone is wearing a bow tie. I'm not sure why they are obsessing about how much roast beef Chad's eating. It's all fake editing anyway, where some cameraman goes up to a dude and asks him about whether or not Chad took too much from the buffet, so it just seems like they're all talking about it. 

Here you go, Kristine. Vinny the Barber(ino).

Someone's TP-ing the house. I do think the Alex has nice eyes and eyelashes, but his height, unfortunately, is part of the challenge. Chad thinks he has a good shot at JoJo. James S., whose job is Bachelor Superfan, thinks he's misbehaving. Ali, the bartender, has not dealt with his eyebrows. The producers are doing the best they can to get a fight started and Chad says he feels like he's in West Side Story and being surrounded by a bunch of Care Bears. I think he's funny. The guy who teaches ED feels bad that he didn't push back. I feel bad that he's wearing loafers without socks. Almost a scuffle where the guys are pointing fingers at each other and threatening to kick each other's asses. Alex may have a battery pack on. He comes across as part robot. Chad could stop eating crackers though.

Rose ceremony. JoJo thanks them all for an incredible evening. Her dress is rose red. Whacky hairdos abound.

First rose: Li'l Alex. He is her exact same size.
Second rose: Christian. Why are they playing Chad's thoughts over this?
Third rose: Robby with a bow tie.
Fourth rose: Luke, he of the large hair and worried forehead.
Fifth rose: Chase, very average hot.
Sixth rose: Jordan, more large hair.
Seventh rose: Lou Grant. The fireman.
Eighth rose: Ali, the bartender.
Ninth rose: Daniel, I don't like him, but he did say "you bet" instead of "absolutely."
10th rose: another James
11th rose: Nick advances to the next round.
12th: Vinny the Barberino.
13th: Erectile Dysfunction
Last and final and only rose: Will go to Chad for drama, and so hipster will go home as will Superfan. She was forced to keep him.

Going home: Superfan, James XYZ, and the hipster. She gives a final toast while the men stare lasers at her and Chad calls them a parade of losers. He believes that the end of the day, he will get the girl.

Next week: two episodes and  two hot tubs and two old cars, two rock concerts, two knuckle crackers, two blow up pink flamingo floaties, two men wearing necklaces, twenty five black tank tops, two hooded sweatshirts,  one punching of a door, one grabbing by the throat punching, loads of bourbon!!!

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Shame

I'm so very embarrassed that my blog seems to now only exist when the most ridiculous reality show is on. Also, who is Mark Freestyle (I'm catching the last four minutes of Dancing with the Stars)? Is he a gymnast? A bobsledder? Or is it Paige Someone who is the semi-famous/non-dancer person? I thought for sure that she was a true ballerina. She gets all tens as everyone has wet their pants per her excellent pirouettes. How many more seasons of DWTS before JoJo is a contestant? Guess: 3.

First, we are required to watch ridiculous recaps of JoJoelle pretend to love what's his face. I have forgotten his name already. Steve? I am reminded that JoJo favors clothing that cascades off her shoulders. Promo example:

Also, she talks in a baby voice and has amazing breasts (implants?) and two brothers who will kick the shit out of you if you cross their baby sis. Oh, okay, wait, she's on a journey to find love. Cue cascading waterfalls and sound check on the squawking of the gulls. Candles flicker. "Bring on the men!" she says, tossing her mane of hair. Cue horse neighing.

The Bachelorette is more fun than The Bachelor because the boys never, never, never, never know how to handle competing for the same woman. Women are way more accustomed to being evaluated based on their looks and being chosen rather than choosing. There will be much chest bumping, vodka shots and "dudezzzzzzz!!" being thrown around. Psychic prediction based not on ESP but on experience: there will be exactly three black-ish men, none making it to the final episode.

JoJo, wearing a shorts pant-suit meets with former Bachelorettes to get their advice. Are all of them wearing shorts pantsuits? Kaitlyn is startlingly beautiful.

They advise her to kiss all the guys but to not base her final decision on lust. And tell the truth, except when you're pretending to not like the guy you like the most. And have a great time, even though it will be terrifying.  And scream when jumping into a waterfall while wearing a white bikini. ALL good stuff.

The men:  A mixed race firefighter who "wants to light her fire." A former pro footballer whose very into his own hair. A tattooed motor biker and U.S. marine (see crew cut. Tattoos read: "live free or die free at the tastee free[ze]"). He has a twin brother, both with giant mouths. He may be five foot two. Shirtless mountain climber. Good body, very average face. Likely a dentist or dental hygientist's assistant. Bi-sexual (my guess). Supposedly has a sense of humor to compensate for the part of his hair which starts on the very far left side of his head. A thirty three year old former pastor who looks 43 and helps men get hard-ons.  No wonder he looks older. Cue string of bad penis jokes. "It's a hard business. It's draining." Lumberjack with a Bishon Frise who surfs and shaves his face only every other day. Also, he skateboards. Another black-ish guy in IT. All of these men have been working only their upper bodies. He experienced the pain of not having his father around. He has freckles and/or moles on his face. Farmer boy with another bad crew cut, possibly a serial killer. Also does something while wearing camouflage.

What is with these long intros plus we also have to meet them one by one and endure the cocktail party? I do not stay up this late! 
The men are pretending that they can barely contain themselves as they are so so so so in love with her. "Take care!" says one. Here's the Iranian bartender with fangs. I think JoJo better watch out because he's part werewolf and it's a full moon. It looks like he's already started changing.

Another dude with a guitar singing James Taylor or else his name is James Taylor? Unclear. He's sweet. He will be kicked off. Guy in a kilt. His line "I am half Chinese, half Scottish, but all Scottish below the waist." She goes, "That's ballsy!" Class all the way around.

Santa shows up, another wears a Groucho Marx thing, another with blue stress balls, all of them have really big hair. One's job is "hipster." He'll stay for a long time unless he gets stoned on the first one-on-one. All appear homophobic. Example: "If I was gay, I would be in paradise." Wells has brought in an a capella group, but he isn't actually singing himself. He's adorable. Wait, cue motorbike and ZZ Top music. He's the guy who never knew his dad. He's adorable too.

Next guy clomps in awkwardly on a unicorn. The unicorn flees the scene. She will never be able to remember any of their names.
The guys are all mad at the short military man who does push-ups with JoJo on his back. Who will get the drunkest the fastest? Scottish guy is shiny with sweat. JoJo wants them to relax. She is afraid she won't make any connections. The camera man cannot stop focusing in on her boobs. They keep saying how much more beautiful she is in person. The boobs do look kind of real so I am not sure. She is kissing one of the guys immediately after he says that he's goofy.

Dan is going to bed. We made this video with Chaplin. Dan is now taking him to the fantasy suite.

JoJo finds herself drawn to Chizz. He believes that if he wanted her, he could have her. I want him to die. The Canadian is made out of wax. He wants to know if she understood his joke from the beginning. Did you ever notice that the more you try to explain a joke the less funnier it becomes? Will Santa take his beard off, please? Does he think he's at a Halloween party at Sigma Tau Delta? A lot of controversy about the Canadian poking another guy in the belly button. He will soon be taking off his shirt. Yes. I find that to be grotesque. Now his pants. I was mostly kidding when I said I wanted him to die as he jumps off the balcony into the pool below. Maybe this will sober him up. All of them are drunk. None of them have watched the show before or been to a place where the whiskey is free.

35 minutes left. This is why people DVR. So they can skip the 30 minutes of commercials that stretch the show out.  Has she not given out the first impression rose yet. The Iranian skateboarder surfer can also play "Fur Elise" on the piano. Why is there a piano at the event. JoJo is sitting on Santa's lap.  He has a cute face beneath that white beard. She asks the unicorn guy why he's on the show. I can't understand what he's saying. Something about pursuing a woman's heart and soul. First impression rose goes to...the guy with the biggest hair, the one she kissed who has a wispy forelock is out of place. Jordan, I think his name is, a former member of NSYNC.

It's time for the final rose ceremony, but Jake from 25 seasons ago shows up. This is how the stretch out the show to two hours. The humanity! Oh, it's a total fake-out. Not worth it. Okay, back to the rose ceremony. I am only watching part of this. Just until the next commercial.

First rose: Unicorn dude.
Second rose: Wells, my current favorite.
Third rose: James T. with the guitar.
Fourth rose: Brent, the firefighter who was ranting.
Fifth rose: Derrick. No memory of him.
Sixth rose: Christian on the motorbike.
Seventh rose: Chad, the slimy guy. Not looking so good for erectile dysfunction guy.
8th: Jake.
9th: Alex, the short Marine.
10th: Bobby who looks just like Jake.
11th: Brandon, the hipster. She's looking for someone likely to be homeless.
12th: James F.
13th: Piano player.
14th: St. Nick whose real name is Nick, get it? He's a doll, Leigh Ann!
15th: Will Vinny the barber get it? No, but Will will.
16th: James XY or Z.
17th: Someone else.
18th: Evan the ED guy. He's sweet but will never make it.
19th and final rose. Six men are going home. She will keep the guy in the kilt please not the serial killer. She kept the serial killer Canadian guy.

Bunch of dudes go home. Not one of them cries.  It turns out that it's really only 5 p.m. and still light out. Vinny the Barber-ini is leaving to give some more crew cuts. I am not watching the previews.