Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Shame

I'm so very embarrassed that my blog seems to now only exist when the most ridiculous reality show is on. Also, who is Mark Freestyle (I'm catching the last four minutes of Dancing with the Stars)? Is he a gymnast? A bobsledder? Or is it Paige Someone who is the semi-famous/non-dancer person? I thought for sure that she was a true ballerina. She gets all tens as everyone has wet their pants per her excellent pirouettes. How many more seasons of DWTS before JoJo is a contestant? Guess: 3.

First, we are required to watch ridiculous recaps of JoJoelle pretend to love what's his face. I have forgotten his name already. Steve? I am reminded that JoJo favors clothing that cascades off her shoulders. Promo example:


Also, she talks in a baby voice and has amazing breasts (implants?) and two brothers who will kick the shit out of you if you cross their baby sis. Oh, okay, wait, she's on a journey to find love. Cue cascading waterfalls and sound check on the squawking of the gulls. Candles flicker. "Bring on the men!" she says, tossing her mane of hair. Cue horse neighing.

The Bachelorette is more fun than The Bachelor because the boys never, never, never, never know how to handle competing for the same woman. Women are way more accustomed to being evaluated based on their looks and being chosen rather than choosing. There will be much chest bumping, vodka shots and "dudezzzzzzz!!" being thrown around. Psychic prediction based not on ESP but on experience: there will be exactly three black-ish men, none making it to the final episode.

JoJo, wearing a shorts pant-suit meets with former Bachelorettes to get their advice. Are all of them wearing shorts pantsuits? Kaitlyn is startlingly beautiful.

They advise her to kiss all the guys but to not base her final decision on lust. And tell the truth, except when you're pretending to not like the guy you like the most. And have a great time, even though it will be terrifying.  And scream when jumping into a waterfall while wearing a white bikini. ALL good stuff.

The men:  A mixed race firefighter who "wants to light her fire." A former pro footballer whose very into his own hair. A tattooed motor biker and U.S. marine (see crew cut. Tattoos read: "live free or die free at the tastee free[ze]"). He has a twin brother, both with giant mouths. He may be five foot two. Shirtless mountain climber. Good body, very average face. Likely a dentist or dental hygientist's assistant. Bi-sexual (my guess). Supposedly has a sense of humor to compensate for the part of his hair which starts on the very far left side of his head. A thirty three year old former pastor who looks 43 and helps men get hard-ons.  No wonder he looks older. Cue string of bad penis jokes. "It's a hard business. It's draining." Lumberjack with a Bishon Frise who surfs and shaves his face only every other day. Also, he skateboards. Another black-ish guy in IT. All of these men have been working only their upper bodies. He experienced the pain of not having his father around. He has freckles and/or moles on his face. Farmer boy with another bad crew cut, possibly a serial killer. Also does something while wearing camouflage.

What is with these long intros plus we also have to meet them one by one and endure the cocktail party? I do not stay up this late! 
The men are pretending that they can barely contain themselves as they are so so so so in love with her. "Take care!" says one. Here's the Iranian bartender with fangs. I think JoJo better watch out because he's part werewolf and it's a full moon. It looks like he's already started changing.

Another dude with a guitar singing James Taylor or else his name is James Taylor? Unclear. He's sweet. He will be kicked off. Guy in a kilt. His line "I am half Chinese, half Scottish, but all Scottish below the waist." She goes, "That's ballsy!" Class all the way around.

Santa shows up, another wears a Groucho Marx thing, another with blue stress balls, all of them have really big hair. One's job is "hipster." He'll stay for a long time unless he gets stoned on the first one-on-one. All appear homophobic. Example: "If I was gay, I would be in paradise." Wells has brought in an a capella group, but he isn't actually singing himself. He's adorable. Wait, cue motorbike and ZZ Top music. He's the guy who never knew his dad. He's adorable too.

Next guy clomps in awkwardly on a unicorn. The unicorn flees the scene. She will never be able to remember any of their names.
The guys are all mad at the short military man who does push-ups with JoJo on his back. Who will get the drunkest the fastest? Scottish guy is shiny with sweat. JoJo wants them to relax. She is afraid she won't make any connections. The camera man cannot stop focusing in on her boobs. They keep saying how much more beautiful she is in person. The boobs do look kind of real so I am not sure. She is kissing one of the guys immediately after he says that he's goofy.

Dan is going to bed. We made this video with Chaplin. Dan is now taking him to the fantasy suite.

JoJo finds herself drawn to Chizz. He believes that if he wanted her, he could have her. I want him to die. The Canadian is made out of wax. He wants to know if she understood his joke from the beginning. Did you ever notice that the more you try to explain a joke the less funnier it becomes? Will Santa take his beard off, please? Does he think he's at a Halloween party at Sigma Tau Delta? A lot of controversy about the Canadian poking another guy in the belly button. He will soon be taking off his shirt. Yes. I find that to be grotesque. Now his pants. I was mostly kidding when I said I wanted him to die as he jumps off the balcony into the pool below. Maybe this will sober him up. All of them are drunk. None of them have watched the show before or been to a place where the whiskey is free.

35 minutes left. This is why people DVR. So they can skip the 30 minutes of commercials that stretch the show out.  Has she not given out the first impression rose yet. The Iranian skateboarder surfer can also play "Fur Elise" on the piano. Why is there a piano at the event. JoJo is sitting on Santa's lap.  He has a cute face beneath that white beard. She asks the unicorn guy why he's on the show. I can't understand what he's saying. Something about pursuing a woman's heart and soul. First impression rose goes to...the guy with the biggest hair, the one she kissed who has a wispy forelock is out of place. Jordan, I think his name is, a former member of NSYNC.


It's time for the final rose ceremony, but Jake from 25 seasons ago shows up. This is how the stretch out the show to two hours. The humanity! Oh, it's a total fake-out. Not worth it. Okay, back to the rose ceremony. I am only watching part of this. Just until the next commercial.

First rose: Unicorn dude.
Second rose: Wells, my current favorite.
Third rose: James T. with the guitar.
Fourth rose: Brent, the firefighter who was ranting.
Fifth rose: Derrick. No memory of him.
Sixth rose: Christian on the motorbike.
Seventh rose: Chad, the slimy guy. Not looking so good for erectile dysfunction guy.
8th: Jake.
9th: Alex, the short Marine.
10th: Bobby who looks just like Jake.
11th: Brandon, the hipster. She's looking for someone likely to be homeless.
12th: James F.
13th: Piano player.
14th: St. Nick whose real name is Nick, get it? He's a doll, Leigh Ann!
15th: Will Vinny the barber get it? No, but Will will.
16th: James XY or Z.
17th: Someone else.
18th: Evan the ED guy. He's sweet but will never make it.
19th and final rose. Six men are going home. She will keep the guy in the kilt please not the serial killer. She kept the serial killer Canadian guy.


Bunch of dudes go home. Not one of them cries.  It turns out that it's really only 5 p.m. and still light out. Vinny the Barber-ini is leaving to give some more crew cuts. I am not watching the previews.

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