Monday, June 20, 2016

Lots of bearded dudes left

Them Bachelorette producers are fake-breaking the rules again by allowing Chad to return to the log cabin. Never before in the history of this show has a guy who has been fired been permitted to return for one last phony conversation with most of the guys eating bowls of Bran Flakes while wearing tight white T-shirts. Cue clinking of spoons. Chad goes hair gel to hair gel with the football player. Full moon and whistling at Pete's Cabin as Chad exits, only to reappear in that one episode where they tell all (read: recap what's already been viewed).

Oh, wait, there's JoJo, kissing Tom Cruise's younger (and shorter?) brother, Alex. James T. still has a scar on his face from a pool accident with one of the blow up swans. The men throw firecrackers and cupcakes into Alex's face in celebration. Chest bumps abound.

Jo Jo addresses the men wearing a sparkly mermaid dress and brandishing a fishbowl sized glass of box wine. Or is she wearing a pantsuit? Hard to say. Why is she in a giant bubble sponsored by Lady Bug shaving creme? They've moved from the log cabin back to the Hyatt Resort, complete with twin waterfalls. The guys freak because Robbie stuck his tongue down her throat. Is that another contestant or the bartender--get out of the frame, dude!!  One guy reads a poem scribbled on a creased piece of paper ripped from his kid's sister's seventh grade health class notebook: "Her heart is like a treasure/Her face a glittery ball/She is the beauty that is left/She is like me/Only with a breast."

They are all vying for time to make out with her. The football player mauls her in a corner, his giant hair creating a shadow in the shape of a rabbit with a bouffant. We all wonder to ourselves why ED guy remains.

Rose ceremony mid-episode.

First rose (drum beat): Derrick. Will not last.
Second rose: Robbie (from the waterfalls)
Third rose: Chay?
Fourth rose: Wells. I like him the best.
Fifth rose: Grant (the only remaining African American player)
Sixth rose: Vinnie whose hair is cut by a razor blade, making him look like an inpatient extra from a remake of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Seventh rose: James T. with the facial scab
Eighth rose and final rose:............................................................WHAT? Evan, the ED guy. Does she just want to score some Viagra for the fantasy suite episode?

Going home: Earnest guy who read a poem. Is he the only one? He exits through the revolving door. Also, the Canadian whose job is listed as "Canadian." He says, "You guys take care, eh?" He wonders why she didn't pick based on body types. He says he has a better chance of getting struck by lightning while.....(long, long pause) shaving his face. He fails in the improv category.

JoJo is flying them all to Uruguay! Or possibly Paraguay! One of the Guays. Date card arrives. Jordan gets the time with JoJo. Wells is devastated. He's a radio DJ and just wants to spin some music. Jordan excuses himself to blow dry his hair into a wave-sized crown. The guys question his motives because he's a football player and wants to be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. His hair cannot take the breeze on the boat. They snuggle on the deck and then jump into the water, ruining his hair so bad. Seals frolic around them while back at home the barber contestants gives free haircuts while wearing a straw hat.

The men have somehow gotten a hold of some gossip magazines and are afraid JoJo isn't in it for the right reasons. Coincidentally, JoJo also has met someone who used to date Jordan and she confronts him with the knowledge that she heard he was a dick. He says he was kind of a jerk because he was playing football and surrounded by cheerleaders. He reverts to something that his pastor said like "If you like it then you should've put a ring on it." He promises that he's not a cheater. Crosses his heart and hopes to make it to the next episode. JoJo is convinced by his insincerity and so asks him if he will accept this rose.  He says yes and his hair has grown back up to its largest possible size, much like that of a rooster.

The producers allow her to read the magazine so that she can cry and because otherwise the show is a snooze fest. Of course I'm Googling the article, which is what they want. She's wiping her tears away, one tear at a time. And yet her breasts still look amazing. She puts on a robe and goes to the boys to explain that she's totally there for the right reasons. The men stick up for her and rub her back while wearing light blue tank tops. Tom Cruise has forgone the shirt completely to be bare-chested, all the better to share with the American public that he has tattoos on half of his torso.

My Dan feels bad for JoJo. He points out that all Chads are bad and that there has never in the history of the world been a priest named Father Chad.

The men are treated to a spa day and we are made to look at their disgusting toes while they have cucumbers on their eyes. Does anyone find this funny? Like, are 12 year old girls wetting themselves laughing?

JoJo has been dropped into the middle of the desert for this group date. They will be sand boarding which looks like a lot of fun if you enjoy mouthfuls of sand. JoJo unfortunately has her hair in another top knot. ED is sure he will get a bloody nose again. Alex gets her attention by doing a back flip. Since he's not very tall, his center of gravity makes it easier for him to do gymnastics.

Robby, the former competitive swimmer, will be on the last one-on-one date. He appears to be growing his mustache ala a villain at a carnival.

Will wears a leather jacket and that makes me sad. He sticks to her when they hug.

Derek, the commercial banker, wants one-on-one time with her. He may be distantly related to the Baldwins. JoJo goes, "I always feel like I can tell when you're thinking." Why, because his mouth drops open? A single drop of sweat lingers on his forehead. Alex thinks he's a phony, maybe because of his insistence on wearing a suit jacket with a handkerchief over a T-shirt. Alex tells her he can see himself falling for her. The date rose will go to somebody that (who) she wants to give some reassurance to. That is Derek, the sweaty banker. Alex says that Derek is an insecure little bitch and he doesn't want the pity rose. Alex shaves his chest.

Robby and JoJo walk around Paraguay and a stray dog shows up. There's no structure to this date, which is unusual. In most cases, they have to go skinny dipping or something.  Oh, okay, they're going to jump off a cliff into the water. Luckily, Robby is a competitive swimmer plus the producers would never really let them do anything without it being safe. Her top must be glued on, because it doesn't pop off . How will they get back up? Later, at dinner, Robby confesses that he's an emotional person, like his mom. JoJo says she feels very safe with him, just like she does with her mom. Someone he knows was in a car accident from texting and driving off a bridge. I missed who it was. Maybe his best friend or possibly someone who he read about in the newspaper.  He says that he loves her, he does. He does everything at a faster pace because his friend didn't get the PSA about texting while driving. He gets a rose.

Yet another rose ceremony where ED must be going home. I hope it's not wrong of me to say that I don't trust the war veteran. Not because he's a war veteran necessarily or because he wears dog tags under his tuxedo, but because he barely talks. Robby pulls the three bully guys aside to tell them they're behaving like their in a high school clique. Alex tells him that he's being sensitive and calculated. Fake drama.

Chris Harris announces that it has been a very emotional week and so there will be no rose ceremony this evening.

I missed the rose ceremony because my computer restarted. She sent home the guy with the bad bangs, ED guy, and the African American firefighter who never had a chance. She is wearing a dress that I think used to be a tablecloth. All of the men cry. I feel bad for them, especially Vinny the barber with the worst hair cut.

Next week, they go to Buenos Aires to see Circque de Soleil.  I hope she ends up with Wells or Wills or with one of the less likely guys. We'll see.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

In which Chad punches a bunch of dudes

I'm guessing because there were two previews with nosebleeds.

This is really a two hour PSA about steroid abuse sponsored by the World Wide Federation of Wrestling.
JoJo is throwing a pool party in her super hot black bikini. The guys all jump into the pool and ED comes up covered in blood. Oh, that explains the first nosebleed. ED has a tattoo on his arms that seems to read "Adopt Dads." JoJo is not sure if Jordan is as into her as she is into him and his wooden necklace. Is this Survivor or The Bachelorette? JoJo keeps kissing her own arm and her dark hair in a top knot provides too much contrast to her blond highlights. 911 to the hairdresser, please. 


The episode is also sponsored by Billabong, which has furnished manly necklaces for all of the contestants. One of the guys confronts Chad about his aggressiveness and then the camera cuts to the giant blow up swans floating upside down in the pool.

JoJo appears for the final ceremony dressed in a sparkly I Dream of Jeannie two piece pant suit.  I hope Nick gets to stay.

First rose: Grant, the African American gentleman
Second rose:

My computer shut down, so I had to reboot and can tell you that the producers forced JoJo to keep Chad and so Nick went home. Sorry, Nick. At least she kept Wells. The other African American guy went home, as well as the guy with one eyebrow. That's probably racist.

Here's one of the worst stock images I've ever seen. Like what would this be for (?):


They are off to beautiful, bear-filled Pennsylvania and JoJo is being flown in via a prop plane. All the way from LA? Cue JoJo in J. Crew sweater sipping from a mug in front of a fireplace. The men arrive in caravan of mud-splashed Jeeps. Luke will get the first one-on-one date. He's a war veteran with a super James Dean-ish hair style. This whole show has a very 1950s vibe. JoJo and Luke are driven across the countryside by Eskimo dogs. I think that's mean to the dogs. How is she not petting those dogs?
Guest logger: Dan
Aimee asked me to jump in and guest blog. But it is as commercial. I think Chad is a frightening human being. Getting in the hot tub. The smell of flesh boiling. Luke and Jo Jo. Jo Jo and Luke. Luke's hair gel is wack. We need to know more about him though. Back to Chad. He eats all the time. He chews nonstop. Why are they showing a bear along with shots of Chad? Unsubtle comparison. 

Okay, I'm back. Nothing much is happening and I don't understand why this went on for two consecutive episodes. Caution: when you Google "black bear, PA" 80% of the images are dead bears who have been shot for sport. 

The men debate whether Luke will get a rose or not. Jordan wonders if Luke has stolen his hairstyle. Both favor the huge wave. Group date that leaves Chad and Alex on the two-on-one date where one of them will go home. Alex says it's good vs. evil. Cue shot of full moon. 

JoJo says that Luke has a very relaxed self. She doesn't realize it comes from PTSD and an ongoing Oxycontin addiction. He tells a story about getting recruited to play at West Point and how he went to Afghanistan with his men and then his high school friend was killed by friendly fire. Luke says he looks into her eyes and he gets chills when he realizes that her eyes are the two eyes he could be forced to look into for the rest of his life. His schlock guarantees him a rose. 


Cue another singer I don't recognize and the two of them have to make out in the middle of a fog machine in front of hundreds of real fans.

I didn't write at all about the football tryouts that men were forced to do to illustrate their manliness. James T. loses and eye but he doesn't want stitches. THAT's how masculine he is! The entire group will suffer from concussions which should change their personalities not at all.

The winning team will get to watch JoJo do cheers and the losing team will go back to the man-resort to drink.

News flash: Clinton has taken the lead in New Jersey. She will be the democratic nominee!!! Go, Hill!

Back at the house, Lou dons a knit hat and Alex and Chad pretend to hate each other. All scripted. Chad says that the only way that he can get Alex to be quiet is to punch him in the face. Alex has tattoos all over his legs, which doesn't make him any taller, unfortunately. Sizism.

Tag football so none of the guys can sue. Jordan says that he was dropping dimes out there. ED gets another bloody nose but hides it. Ball intercepted by somebody on the blue team. Coach gets the water bucket. Lots of white headbands. Someone slaps JoJo on the ass. The defeated team skulks back to the locker room. Who cares.

Aside: In Trump's most recent speech, he said that inner cities are in terrible shape and so we therefore need to help the African Americans, thereby reinforcing the stereotype that inner cities are terrible because of black people and filled with poor black people. Why is no one outraged? Are they? Am I missing it?

JT is having a bad hair day, making him look more like Howdy Doody than Almanzo Wilder. Also, he kissed her with blood on his face.


JoJo has to give away a rose and she pins it to Jordan because he said that he could see himself falling in love with someone who is right in front of him. Not her in particular, but someone possibly like her.

Back at the house, the men call each other names and pretend like they are going to fight Chad. This gives men a bad name. because they all look like jerks who can only work things out by posturing and threatening one another.

Chad and Alex pack their bags and I can guarantee you for the viewing of the show that Chad will come home. Chad tells Jordan that he will go to his house and beat him up. Alex is wearing patriotic socks like a little clown. It's so predictable that she will keep Chad on the show because it's better television. I will bet money on it.
JoJo is dressed in a red lumberjack shirt because she's in PA. Chad picks her up when he hugs her to show that he's stronger. They are going on a hike. They both have to chop wood. One rose remains on a block of wood. Chad says, Did you ever go float in a river? JoJo asks Alex if he's mad at Chad. Alex spills it. Now she's going to go confront Chad. If she picks him, I have to go volunteer at a domestic violence shelter. I have to. JoJo says Alex told her that Chad was threatening the other men. JoJo says that she would never go tell the women that she would kick their asses. He says, If you have a better way to deal with it, let me know. She said, Yeah, sit down and talk things through. I think it's so interesting that he doesn't deny it. JoJo wonders if Chad is just struggling because his mother died six months ago. She cries about it.

Okay, she has pulled herself together and will maybe send both of them home? She has to send Chad packing. Okay, she is. She tells him that she doesn't think physical violence is the way to solve problems. Chad wonders if he is getting pranked right now. Back home, the guys are thrilled that Chad's suitcase is going home. They pop champagne and tequila. Chad says now he has to go and find Alex and beat the crap out of him. Why are they showing us scenes of Chad left alone in the woods whistling like he's about to come at them with an axe. As if the producers would let that happen.Or would they???

Monday, June 6, 2016

A dramatic two night television event when you should be doing something meaningful

Like anything else. Like putting stamps on envelopes, learning how to make chicken fricassee, writing a poem, bench-pressing puppies. Chad is into eating a lot of wheat and drinking vitamin water. We get it, everyone hates the Chadsters. Chris arrives to lay out the plan--coupla group dates, one-on-ones, nothing new, even though he said it was a little bit different this time. Ginger is wearing a T-shirt I think I got in my last Stitch. Chase gets the first one-on-one where he is supposed to "get physical." Of course it has to do with hot yoga. The teacher wants to know how long the two have been intimate (as she pretends to not know that she's on the show?). The teacher illustrates what it means for them to have an anger-gasm. Embarrassing. This is what gives yoga a bad name. JoJo feels that the date is super awkward. Wait until one of them farts. That always happens. Oh, wait, instead, they are making out.

Here's who they are not like:


Lots of previews about the impending fist fight between Chad and someone else--the little guy? Okay, get to it already.

Now JoJo  and Chase are at dinner and she compliments him on totally going with it and she felt really connected in the Yim Yam pose. They lok as though they are in someone's kitchen. She gives Chase a rose (only after giving a dumb speech about how she feels that the man who gets it is genuinely there for her). Cue guitar music, which leads to them slow dancing at their own private musical show from Creed or some other band with lyrics that include "tiny dancer" in them.

Group date...meaning that...who gets the one-on-one?

Chad says he doesn't want to go with 12 guys. Jordan confronts him, pointing out that it was always lots of guys before this.  James T. tells him not to go. The ED guy asks for a Sharpie so he can cross Chad's name off the list. Chad says Jordan is a 27 year old failed football player. The short guy says that he's a piece of shit. Please remember that this is all scripted. It's fantasy.

Group date takes them to a comedy club so that they can tell their most embarrassing sex stories to all of us and a live studio audience and their moms.I can't imagine any of them have any interesting sex stories, except for maybe the ED guy.




The Canadian guy says that he thinks poop is his favorite bodily fluid, or the funniest. He looks like he is made of wax or is a ventriloquist's dummy.


Chad tries to kiss JoJo on the stage and she turned her cheek at the last second. Chad tries to punch the little ED guy because he made fun of his steroids.  He punches a wall and bloodies his knuckles. Everyone is aghast. I am not typing everything that's happening because it's a bunch of posturing and fakeness. Also because I was eating ice cream. Chad says the ED guy is bitter because he f-ed up and had three kids and his life blows. Maybe this is somewhat authentic because I can't imagine someone scripting those exact words.

Ding-dong. James T. gets the one-on-one date and Luke, the war veteran from Texas, is so upset.

Back at the group date, the men are drinking heavily with ice cubes clinking in the glass. Chad gets time with JoJo and says that ED tried to push him over and he said that he is appearing to be a bully. ED interrupts the date and Chad restrains himself from punching him. ED tells JoJo that he will leave if Chad stays for the night.

Guest Blogger: Dan

If I was Jo Jo, I would send Chad home and the Erectile Dysfunction guy. I don't need that shit. I mean Jo Jo doesn't need that shit. You are not a strong person if you have to tell people that you are strong person - like ED just did. Oh, crap, Jo Jo just called out Even (ED). He dug his own grave + I think he seems equally feminine as Jo Jo. Chad is twisting up his face. Everyone else is for real. ED looks like one of the 3 musketeers. OMG  ED just got a rose. Chad's head is going to explode. It's going to twist right off. ED is honest. Chad is losing it. He's honest. If they get married Chad would eventually hit Jo Jo and then her brothers would put out a hit on Chad. He's spitting, and thoroughly disrespectful.

Aimee is back.

JoJo is dressed like a 1950s pin up girl and James Taylor wears suspenders. He is also from Texas.  We meet some old people who have been dancing for hundreds of years. They are going to teach JoJo and Jimmy how to swing dance. He confesses that he's a horrible dancer and it does appear to be true. He wears wing tip shoes. He reminds me of someone from The Waltons or perhaps Almanzo from Little House on the Prairie. Right, Kristine???


James T. feels that he has lived life like he was in the movies because they recreated a group dance scene possibly from 42nd Street.

We know this rose ceremony won't be like any of the others because it goes to part II tomorrow night. The wax faced guy explains to Chad that he needs to take it down a notch and not be so much like Hitler, Mussolini or Donald Trump.

JoJo and JT are in a blue Convertible surrounded by some very loud crickets. They are drinking whiskey out of thermoses. JoJo is not sure if she can be physically attracted to JT because he reminds her too much of the boy next door. The one with the crutches and the stutter and the cowlick.  JT explains how he was made fun of as a kid and JoJo gives him a pity rose. Oh, crude, he brought his guitar. It makes JoJo so happy and it makes me so unhappy. I hate it when it seems like they are really on the show to get a record or modeling or acting deal, but of course, that's why they're all there.

The boys debrief about the upcoming rose ceremony and Chad's muscular body. We know we're not going to actually get to the ceremony because of tomorrow's show. Instead of a cocktail party there will be an all day pool party!!!! ED goes after Chris and tattles on what Chad has done. I hope it doesn't end with a male rape. He thinks it's an issue with the guy being too much on testosterone. Chris confronts Chad and Chad says that ED pushed him first. I know, roll the tape. It's on video.Chris tells Chad to apologize and Chad decides he will go ahead and beat the crap out of him.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Write a better book, then

Started a book the other day from the Princeton library's recommended reads and it was atrocious. So bad that I started to worry that I was suffering from some kind of sudden dementia because I couldn't follow the sentences. The cover explanation should have been enough for me not to pick it up.

The story is set in Victorian England (I think? They have carriages and parasols, so that's my guess) and the characters include both vampires and werewolves. The two main characters have names I kept confusing--Rue and Widget or something. "Rue" was short for Prudence, but it took me like two chapters to figure that out.  Rue or Prue or Rudence (she was called many names) is a meta-natural, which means that if she touches the skin of a vampire or werewolf, she becomes that creature for a few hours, and zaps the individual's powers for a while. I can imagine the brainstorming that led to this idea. Let's see...I need to come up with a completely different thing; how about a woman who can fly like a vampire and run like a dog? No, doesn't make sense. A woman who is a vampire in the daytime and a werewolf at night? Big deal. A zombie who looks like a werewolf? A witch with fangs but only during a full moon? Or a person who can become either a vampire or a werewolf temporarily, so that she can spirit away in the middle of formal ball (that's what happened in one instance)?  The writing felt peculiar; like the author was trying to be surprising and clever, but instead ended up creating sentences that were tangled and un-charming. Stuff like: “Rue was further delighted. She twirled. She’d even left her hair down. It felt very wicked." How is one further delighted? Should that be delighted further? Is "left" a typo for "let?" How is twirling and left-ing your hair down wicked?

Add to this the abundance of characters with similar names (one of the men is called Percy, too much like his sister who is named Prim--short form Primrose [read: whimsical!] and also too much like Rue). I almost never knew who was doing what or why. I don't finish books I don't like. I moved on to another one by Charles Lambert called The Children's Home and was relieved to find that I understood the sentences.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Go, JoJo, go

In the inevitable movie of JoJo's transformative life (after The Bachelorette, she becomes an activist for small children in a third world country, accidentally concocts a vaccine, and is assassinated by a former Bachelor competitor while receiving the Nobel Peace Prize), she will be played by Rose Byrne. Right??!!


And now, on to the second episode. Side note: Possibilities are never endless, as one of the men says. Previews show us that everyone hates Chad. I mean, duh, his name is "Chad." He has been cast as the ass who is not "HFTRR" ("here for the right reasons").


Vinny, Ali, Robbi, Tobi, Tommy, Tinky and Foofy are on the group date. All of the men are forced to wear black V-neck T-shirts. They send in a black limousine that's on fire and guess what? In comes a fire engine bearing JoJo, wearing a white tank top and yellow waders with suspenders to spray down the fire with a hose, thereby illustrating how she would be at a hand job (overwhelmed, just pretending to enjoy it).


Group date also includes fire fighter training so that JoJo can know which "one of you can take care of her during an emergency situation." They dress up like fire men/lumberjacks/strippers. The actual fire fighter, Grant, better not have lied on his audition form.

The men have to show that they can unspool and spool a fire hose while running around barrels and trying to open a locked door with a crowbar while kittens are almost falling into barrels of oil. Wells might puke. Next, they have to chop wood. None of these things would actually help JoJo unless she gets trapped behind a locked door or stuck at the top of a tree.

Back at home, the guys are having a sing-a-long with the guitar dude who is only on the show so that he can forward his career. I think it's so interesting how the men really have no trouble bonding and making up songs about JoJo, rhyming with "Ho Mo." whereas on the Bachelor, they show is skewed so that the women are immediately down each others throats. 

Unsurprisingly, Grant, the fire fighter, is able to save JoJo in the race that's set up for the guys to earn extra one-on-one time. I mean, God, if he hadn't, how awful. JoJo makes out with him and we get a close-up of a very large zit on his chin.

Derek gets the first one-on-one date card and the former pro quarterback is green with envy. I don't think Wells will make it because of his anemia. JoJo wears a white sleeveless turtleneck dress, if you can imagine. She pulls Well aside and offers to give him a blood transfusion. He shows her a picture of him and his bloodhound, Carl. Luke, the war veteran, has been told that he will be hotter if his hair stands on end. The ED guy  actually has kids. Another guy wears a white high neck with a tiny white rose. Luke has on a black leather jacket and a white tee and his dog tags are out, in case you weren't sure that he was in the military. He reminds me of the kids on Dawson's Creek who were pretending to play teenagers but are actually in their mid-twenties.  Remember Pacey? Like that.

Derek prepares for his 1 on 1 date by wearing a three-quarter sleeved baseball shirt from the Gap where his chest hair creeps out of the top. They drive away in a baby blue convertible Chevrolet(?) They must choose sky or sea, North or South, plane or train. This is like a "choose your own adventure" date. They end up in San Fransisco near the Golden Gate Bridge with a bottle of chardonnay. He has been coached to touch her hair when they kiss.

Later, she puts on a sparkly dress (with sleeves). JoJo recaps the date for us as if we weren't just watching it. She asks Derek what happened in his last relationship. He stutters. His last relationship was in seventh grade. This girl from Canada. They met on summer vacation. She had leukemia and a twin sister. He can't really talk about it. They are both thankful to have been on this date. I worry that he reminds her of her brother. She gives him a rose. Dan says, "I've fallen in love with Derek too." Cue spotlighted fountains and a kiss in silhouette.

The group date is a game show hosted by some guy I should probably recognize but don't. The singer sings, of course, and then they high-five. The guys are asked who JoJo should not pick and why and it's always Chad in part because he called JoJo a nag. JoJo wonders if she should be worried about him. The host asks Chad if he would want to marry a nag and he says he doesn't know her at all, but that she is beautiful, he's not going to lie. He feels that everyone is fake and they should stop acting like they are in love with her and he won't pretend what he doesn't feel. I mean, I don't disagree with him. JoJo says she appreciates his honesty. She likes that about him but isn't sure if he's really just a nice guy disguised as a douche. Who are Max and Marcellus? I'm guessing that they host some kind of ABC football show. They are giving them Rose Rankings. Number 3 is Alex, the short one. He's doomed. Number 2 for emotional honesty is Chad. Number 1 in the Rose Rankings is...James Taylor, the singer. Chad narrows his eyes. All of the men are sweating and have tattoos. Chad says he does not care at all that the men are so sensitive. 

James T. says that a smile is the only thing you can see on the outside that comes from the inside. I'm immediately putting that on a T-shirt (some of it may have to go on the back). He mumbles a poem about how he loves God and family, how he wishes he would have a pony and he's glad he got a rose and some guys went home. JoJo sheds a tear. He kisses it away with his tongue. He may have a perm, but it suits him. Dan says he can see them going out TGIFridays together. JoJo wears a white sweater and leather pants in 90 degree weather. Why do they make the little guy sit in a giant chair? Nick is cute, but Chad thinks he is trying too hard. Jordan bites his lip a lot because someone once told him that she liked that. Chad hasn't been in a relationship in four years because he's working too hard. Also, his mom died, and he has a Maltese who reminds him of his mother, so he will get a kiss. JoJo has on fake eyelashes and sparkles. They kiss after she drops a coin in a fake well.

Alex (short) thinks Chad is the highest level of D-bag. This may be a Dungeons and Dragons reference. She's about to give out the promise keeper rose and it goes to James, oh, my, goodness, he says. He is a sweetheart, but he may have a giant jaw. He's sort of a ginger, and I have a soft spot for gingers. 

Cocktail party and Chad pulls JoJo aside so he can stick his tongue down her throat. The guys vie for JoJo's attention while Chad chows down. Someone is wearing a bow tie. I'm not sure why they are obsessing about how much roast beef Chad's eating. It's all fake editing anyway, where some cameraman goes up to a dude and asks him about whether or not Chad took too much from the buffet, so it just seems like they're all talking about it. 

Here you go, Kristine. Vinny the Barber(ino).


Someone's TP-ing the house. I do think the Alex has nice eyes and eyelashes, but his height, unfortunately, is part of the challenge. Chad thinks he has a good shot at JoJo. James S., whose job is Bachelor Superfan, thinks he's misbehaving. Ali, the bartender, has not dealt with his eyebrows. The producers are doing the best they can to get a fight started and Chad says he feels like he's in West Side Story and being surrounded by a bunch of Care Bears. I think he's funny. The guy who teaches ED feels bad that he didn't push back. I feel bad that he's wearing loafers without socks. Almost a scuffle where the guys are pointing fingers at each other and threatening to kick each other's asses. Alex may have a battery pack on. He comes across as part robot. Chad could stop eating crackers though.

Rose ceremony. JoJo thanks them all for an incredible evening. Her dress is rose red. Whacky hairdos abound.

First rose: Li'l Alex. He is her exact same size.
Second rose: Christian. Why are they playing Chad's thoughts over this?
Third rose: Robby with a bow tie.
Fourth rose: Luke, he of the large hair and worried forehead.
Fifth rose: Chase, very average hot.
Sixth rose: Jordan, more large hair.
Seventh rose: Lou Grant. The fireman.
Eighth rose: Ali, the bartender.
Ninth rose: Daniel, I don't like him, but he did say "you bet" instead of "absolutely."
10th rose: another James
11th rose: Nick advances to the next round.
12th: Vinny the Barberino.
13th: Erectile Dysfunction
Last and final and only rose: Will go to Chad for drama, and so hipster will go home as will Superfan. She was forced to keep him.

Going home: Superfan, James XYZ, and the hipster. She gives a final toast while the men stare lasers at her and Chad calls them a parade of losers. He believes that the end of the day, he will get the girl.

Next week: two episodes and  two hot tubs and two old cars, two rock concerts, two knuckle crackers, two blow up pink flamingo floaties, two men wearing necklaces, twenty five black tank tops, two hooded sweatshirts,  one punching of a door, one grabbing by the throat punching, loads of bourbon!!!

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Shame

I'm so very embarrassed that my blog seems to now only exist when the most ridiculous reality show is on. Also, who is Mark Freestyle (I'm catching the last four minutes of Dancing with the Stars)? Is he a gymnast? A bobsledder? Or is it Paige Someone who is the semi-famous/non-dancer person? I thought for sure that she was a true ballerina. She gets all tens as everyone has wet their pants per her excellent pirouettes. How many more seasons of DWTS before JoJo is a contestant? Guess: 3.

First, we are required to watch ridiculous recaps of JoJoelle pretend to love what's his face. I have forgotten his name already. Steve? I am reminded that JoJo favors clothing that cascades off her shoulders. Promo example:


Also, she talks in a baby voice and has amazing breasts (implants?) and two brothers who will kick the shit out of you if you cross their baby sis. Oh, okay, wait, she's on a journey to find love. Cue cascading waterfalls and sound check on the squawking of the gulls. Candles flicker. "Bring on the men!" she says, tossing her mane of hair. Cue horse neighing.

The Bachelorette is more fun than The Bachelor because the boys never, never, never, never know how to handle competing for the same woman. Women are way more accustomed to being evaluated based on their looks and being chosen rather than choosing. There will be much chest bumping, vodka shots and "dudezzzzzzz!!" being thrown around. Psychic prediction based not on ESP but on experience: there will be exactly three black-ish men, none making it to the final episode.

JoJo, wearing a shorts pant-suit meets with former Bachelorettes to get their advice. Are all of them wearing shorts pantsuits? Kaitlyn is startlingly beautiful.

They advise her to kiss all the guys but to not base her final decision on lust. And tell the truth, except when you're pretending to not like the guy you like the most. And have a great time, even though it will be terrifying.  And scream when jumping into a waterfall while wearing a white bikini. ALL good stuff.

The men:  A mixed race firefighter who "wants to light her fire." A former pro footballer whose very into his own hair. A tattooed motor biker and U.S. marine (see crew cut. Tattoos read: "live free or die free at the tastee free[ze]"). He has a twin brother, both with giant mouths. He may be five foot two. Shirtless mountain climber. Good body, very average face. Likely a dentist or dental hygientist's assistant. Bi-sexual (my guess). Supposedly has a sense of humor to compensate for the part of his hair which starts on the very far left side of his head. A thirty three year old former pastor who looks 43 and helps men get hard-ons.  No wonder he looks older. Cue string of bad penis jokes. "It's a hard business. It's draining." Lumberjack with a Bishon Frise who surfs and shaves his face only every other day. Also, he skateboards. Another black-ish guy in IT. All of these men have been working only their upper bodies. He experienced the pain of not having his father around. He has freckles and/or moles on his face. Farmer boy with another bad crew cut, possibly a serial killer. Also does something while wearing camouflage.

What is with these long intros plus we also have to meet them one by one and endure the cocktail party? I do not stay up this late! 
The men are pretending that they can barely contain themselves as they are so so so so in love with her. "Take care!" says one. Here's the Iranian bartender with fangs. I think JoJo better watch out because he's part werewolf and it's a full moon. It looks like he's already started changing.

Another dude with a guitar singing James Taylor or else his name is James Taylor? Unclear. He's sweet. He will be kicked off. Guy in a kilt. His line "I am half Chinese, half Scottish, but all Scottish below the waist." She goes, "That's ballsy!" Class all the way around.

Santa shows up, another wears a Groucho Marx thing, another with blue stress balls, all of them have really big hair. One's job is "hipster." He'll stay for a long time unless he gets stoned on the first one-on-one. All appear homophobic. Example: "If I was gay, I would be in paradise." Wells has brought in an a capella group, but he isn't actually singing himself. He's adorable. Wait, cue motorbike and ZZ Top music. He's the guy who never knew his dad. He's adorable too.

Next guy clomps in awkwardly on a unicorn. The unicorn flees the scene. She will never be able to remember any of their names.
The guys are all mad at the short military man who does push-ups with JoJo on his back. Who will get the drunkest the fastest? Scottish guy is shiny with sweat. JoJo wants them to relax. She is afraid she won't make any connections. The camera man cannot stop focusing in on her boobs. They keep saying how much more beautiful she is in person. The boobs do look kind of real so I am not sure. She is kissing one of the guys immediately after he says that he's goofy.

Dan is going to bed. We made this video with Chaplin. Dan is now taking him to the fantasy suite.

JoJo finds herself drawn to Chizz. He believes that if he wanted her, he could have her. I want him to die. The Canadian is made out of wax. He wants to know if she understood his joke from the beginning. Did you ever notice that the more you try to explain a joke the less funnier it becomes? Will Santa take his beard off, please? Does he think he's at a Halloween party at Sigma Tau Delta? A lot of controversy about the Canadian poking another guy in the belly button. He will soon be taking off his shirt. Yes. I find that to be grotesque. Now his pants. I was mostly kidding when I said I wanted him to die as he jumps off the balcony into the pool below. Maybe this will sober him up. All of them are drunk. None of them have watched the show before or been to a place where the whiskey is free.

35 minutes left. This is why people DVR. So they can skip the 30 minutes of commercials that stretch the show out.  Has she not given out the first impression rose yet. The Iranian skateboarder surfer can also play "Fur Elise" on the piano. Why is there a piano at the event. JoJo is sitting on Santa's lap.  He has a cute face beneath that white beard. She asks the unicorn guy why he's on the show. I can't understand what he's saying. Something about pursuing a woman's heart and soul. First impression rose goes to...the guy with the biggest hair, the one she kissed who has a wispy forelock is out of place. Jordan, I think his name is, a former member of NSYNC.


It's time for the final rose ceremony, but Jake from 25 seasons ago shows up. This is how the stretch out the show to two hours. The humanity! Oh, it's a total fake-out. Not worth it. Okay, back to the rose ceremony. I am only watching part of this. Just until the next commercial.

First rose: Unicorn dude.
Second rose: Wells, my current favorite.
Third rose: James T. with the guitar.
Fourth rose: Brent, the firefighter who was ranting.
Fifth rose: Derrick. No memory of him.
Sixth rose: Christian on the motorbike.
Seventh rose: Chad, the slimy guy. Not looking so good for erectile dysfunction guy.
8th: Jake.
9th: Alex, the short Marine.
10th: Bobby who looks just like Jake.
11th: Brandon, the hipster. She's looking for someone likely to be homeless.
12th: James F.
13th: Piano player.
14th: St. Nick whose real name is Nick, get it? He's a doll, Leigh Ann!
15th: Will Vinny the barber get it? No, but Will will.
16th: James XY or Z.
17th: Someone else.
18th: Evan the ED guy. He's sweet but will never make it.
19th and final rose. Six men are going home. She will keep the guy in the kilt please not the serial killer. She kept the serial killer Canadian guy.


Bunch of dudes go home. Not one of them cries.  It turns out that it's really only 5 p.m. and still light out. Vinny the Barber-ini is leaving to give some more crew cuts. I am not watching the previews.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Jane Eyre as serial killer

Finished Jane Steele last night, the book about Jane Éyre as a serial killer governess, although that's an exaggerated description from the book jacket that's meant to cause you to pick it up. She's more like Jane Éyre as Batman--she only does away with those who are nefarious and deserving of death--rapists, child abductors, mass murderers.  The first-person narrator in the contemporary version does address the reader directly, but instead of stating, "dear Reader, I married him," she writes "dear reader, I murdered him." She's not a sociopath though; she feels guilt and hates herself for these mostly random or opportunistic slayings.

It's hard not to compare it to another Victorian  Gothic retelling I read recently; Pride, Prejudice and Zombies, which weaved together real text from the Austen novel and sprinkled in zombies. Not enough zombies for me and the book didn't play that up enough somehow. It also had illustrations and I couldn't think who it would appeal to. For people who liked P&P the original, the plot had slight adjustments but didn't much stray from the original tale or tone and so you more or less were familiar with what was going to happen. For zombie fans, the formality of the language was probably off-putting. For feminists, it was pretty cool to read about young society ladies who were trained to be zombie slayers and whose main goal was not to marry, but to kill the undead. The other thing both books do is to stay close to the time period and tone of that time; they're not re-shaping the core story in modern times.

Jane Steele deals with the parallels by mentioning the original book throughout (quoting it at the beginning of every chapter), but also acknowledging that the character of Jane has read the novel and is fully aware of the irony of her life unfolding in similar ways (she's an outcast orphan, she is sent to a terrible boarding school, she works as a governess), so that acknowledgement felt skillfully handled. There's also things that are completely different, like the child is a horse-loving girl of Indian Descente, that the Rochester figure (named Charles Thornfield in this version. If you'll recall, the mansion in JE was Thornfield Hall) does not have a secrete wife, and then there's also a whole other story about a treasure chest of dolls covered in stolen jewels and the war in India that I didn't understand and care much about.  The story may have other parallels that I didn't pick up on, since I haven't read Jane Éyre in 15 yeas and tend to confuse it with Wuthering Heights (I vaguely recall a character named Catherine,  a lot of talk about the heath and the moors, an unhappy ending?).

Think how much time the write must have spent with the original, and how she had to decide how closely to adhere to certain plot lines o move away from them without completely wandering off the track. I should take advantage of this trend and find a novel that I loved as a kid and rewrite it to include vampires or where the genders are flipped. What book would that be? Not Little Women because I don't think I could stomach re-reading that book 100 times. I never liked Beth because she was so meek and Amy in the book was a little snot. Ideas welcome.