Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Wherein JoJo is asked if she wants to have sex with three different men

Oh, right. The fake cliff hanger.

Roses to Robby and Jordan and...big sigh...Chase. She is sending Luke home, even though he confessed his love for her and even though he built her a heart made out of flower petals. Why she kept Robby, we will never know, but he's going home tonight.  Luke says that it really sucks because he, like, dreamed about this so much and he thought he might actually fall in love with her. She sobs into his lapel, and Luke can't, like, believe that he squandered it away and that magic was real. News flash: magic isn't real. He drops the f-bomb. Dan thinks she made a mistake. I think she's wearing a ring that looks like a twig. I miss you already, he says. She says she is following her heart and her gut or whatever. He says he was in love with her but he never got a chance to love her. "Too little, too late," he says, staring off stoically into the limo's pristine leather interior.

They've been flown to Thailand. Cue the elephants and JoJo in white short-shorts. She says that her choice to let Luke go was "easily the toughest decision" she's ever made. Wait, are these the fantasy suite dates?

Robby shows up in a white shirt and blue linen shorts. They walk through the market in a flash flood. Native women wash and wax their feet while they talk about their futures. JoJo pretends that she can't figure out if she should take Robby into the fantasy suite or not. Robby says nothing interesting, ever. He says his dad snuck a note into the pocket of his jeans, filled with cliches. "Signed, You're the Man...Dad." He snucks the note into JoJo's hands to hold until she sends him home at the end of the show.

Dan says, "One trip to IKEA together and this relationship will fall apart."

They decide that they will spend the night together, but only do oral because they believe in God. Who knew they had a Days Inn in Thailand?

Someone has left six plates of fruit at the end of their bed. Robby's hair has survived whatever night of passion they had and not moved at all. Doesn't she get sick of kissing these guys?

Cue monkeys to show that we are getting ready for another date. It's Jordan, arriving in a boat. They smash into each other and he wraps his arms around her neck, almost like he wants to strangle her. Jordan keeps accidentally looking right into the camera. Cue bong sound and lone whistle, because remember, we're in a foreign country. They go on a hike and look at beautiful mountains. Where is the Tibetan monk? JoJo decides that she has to cover her shoulders to respect the culture even though she's also wearing a bra as a top. She worries that Jordan is too good to be true. At dinner, they are surrounded by fire pits and Jordan may be in danger of having his hair gel set aflame. She asks him what his next year will look like, as if they are in the middle of a job interview. Jordan tries to be honest, and she doesn't like his answer, so he back pedals and says he could be anywhere at any time. Chris supposedly writes a handwritten note on the back of a paper lunch bag, inviting them to stay in the fantasy suite. Next morning, we discover that Jordan sleeps in football pants. JoJo goes, "We're having our first breakfast together." And their last?

An ox eating leaves tells us that we are on our last date with Chase. JoJo only has the one pair of white shorts. Will Chase show up on a motorcycle? Yes. He has some serious back muscles. He leaves his motorcycle behind. The light shines through his ears. Stop saying magical! "Practice nonattachment," Dan says, folding his hands together. Chase and JoJo play with fish to show that they're having a great time, also that they don't have any real chemistry. They keep pointing out the most obvious things. "Look at those trees! Look at that water! Look at that monkey that reminds me of Chad!" Chase goes, "It's so amazing to be here with the salt in the air and the water and the sand and JoJo looks so beautiful next to all these rocks." I guarantee all of his frat buddy friends are never going to let him live this down.

Robby shows up unexpectedly in flip flops right before she's supposed to have her final date with Chase. I don't think she likes him. I am pretty sure this was entirely planned. Otherwise, they would all be doing this.

Date night with Chase and he's sweating like crazy. I wonder what would happen if he shaved that pretend beard off his face? She goes, "Tell me all about your career as a medical security analysis banker." They go back to the fantasy suite and he says he's 100 percent in love with her and he doesn't want to be in a world without her. JoJo confesses that she's not sure she likes him at all. She has to go outside and sit on a sofa under a palm tree. She frequently feels sick to her stomach. She's going to send him home in the middle of a fantasy date. Does he know this is coming? JoJo says he has to go home and he basically says, Thanks a lot for telling me this after I told you I loved you. She starts crying. He looks unmoved. He hugs her begrudgingly and then walks away without saying goodbye. Good for him. She says, I didn't mean to bring you here and break your heart. He says, You just did that though. He won't hug her goodbye. She keeps crying. He pops a beer as he gets into the van. He compares what just happened to having your pants pulled down and being kicked in the nuts. He's embarrassed and...heart-broken (he adds).

Just so we won't turn off the TV, they show Chase returning to make JoJo cry again. Robby is boring and Jordan cares too much about his hair. I mean, they both care a lot about their hair. Dan thinks they look identical. They are wearing matching outfits, both in denim shirts and jeggings. Coincidentally, Chase shows up also wearing a denim shirt. This show is sponsored by the GAP. Both men wipe their faces with matching handkerchiefs. It's synchronized. Chase apologizes to JoJo and says that he hopes he can redeem himself enough to be the next bachelor  JoJo has long ago forgotten about him, and remember Luke? Remember her sobbing in agony as she said goodbye to him? Luke who?

Both boys get roses. Clinking of glasses. Tomorrow night: the former contestants last grab at fame in the Tell All show.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Home fry dates

I missed the first home town date because I was eating a piece of chicken. I did see JoJo and the first guy kissing each other for three minutes as they said goodbye, and he said something like, "If feels so real."

Next date is with Jordan, the former football star, who takes her back to his high school to show her the pictures of himself playing football prior to receiving 25 concussions. JoJo painfully points out photos of his more famous football brother and Jordan high tails it out of there to take her to the bleachers. We meet Jordan's dad and his old mom, Darla, and his one brother and his brother's girlfriend, Lyndsey, who had her hair done special. Dan goes, Ohhh, she's prettier than the Bachelorette. The mom is extraordinarily beautiful, looks kind of like Blythe Danner (Gwyenth Paltrow's mom). Dad looks like a high school football coach who has been retired for 25 years. Brother is an older, more bearded version of Jordan, with very special hair.I think they might love Jesus. Wait, no the dad has a giant face, not unlike Herman Munster, but in a nice
way. I mean, he seems like a nice guy. But then again, so did Herman Munster. JoJo, that's what you would have to look forward to. Mom is so excited for her son that she gives him a close girlfriend hug as if the two of them are dating. Lyndsey is going to be so mad because she go zero camera time and she spent so much time on her hair. It's not right! Jordan gains vocabulary points for correctly using the word "exponentially" in a sentence. 

We are whipping through these dates. Next up, Robby, who teaches JoJo to whistle, so that she can call a horse and carriage. I missed where they are. Somewhere in the South? I see palm trees.

Robby looks very 1980s in an open pink oxford over a white T-shirt and light blue jeans. Very villain in a John Hughes movie-esque way and he uses the phrase awesome quite a lot. Like, it's like, totally awesome.

He reassures JoJo that he's totally over the girl he broke up with just four months ago. Actually, the time line would have to be that he broke up with this person and then the next day, applied to be on The Bachelorette. So, yeah, he gave it a day. All of Robby's family screams when they walk in. Everyone showed up to be on TV. How many siblings does he have? Two brothers and two sisters? He tells his brothers that JoJo is incredible and I think the two brothers are adopted and that Mom bought new blue lamps from West Elm just before the producers showed up. Robby hopes for a fairy tale ending. I wish that he would stop referring to her as a girl. Mom tells JoJo that Robby would never be involved with her if he really wasn't ready. JoJo then says that she's in love with Robby. Mom tells Robby that there's a rumor going around from the ex that Robby broke up with her so he could go on the show when he so totally didn't, like, do that, Mom! Robby says he needs to "nip it in the butt." ("Bud?"). He interrupts the sister's time in the bedroom and so they get no camera time either. Unfair. He reassures her and they end up kissing under an umbrella. He says, "I can comfortably tell you that I am beyond excited for our future." Engrave that on the trousseau.

I can't tell whether the show is back on or if this is a car commercial. Oh, okay, Matthew McConaughey means car commercial.

I could never date a guy who says, "Let's roll around the square for a bit." Not because I think I'm better than him, but because I would say, "What are we going to be rolling around exactly?" And he wouldn't think it was funny and that would be the end. They're "getting close to the crib." Luke has brought her to a family reunion, complete with cowboy hats and boots. They are in Texas. Grandpa is confused. We are introduced to a couple who met in 8th grade and are still together.  That makes me sad. Luke goes, "She is so comfortable and that makes my heart stomp." I understand why hasn't talked all that much before now. y'all. I used to say "y'all" sometimes because I grew up in Florida but I always felt kind of phony saying it because it wasn't natural. Dad advises Luke not to make the decision lightly and from the heart. Dad and son say they love each other, for the first time ever, on television. I guess they are both here for the right reasons.

Luke finds a horse and leads her to a sofa made out of hay bales in the middle of a field. He says the whole time with her is like a good day dream. He says, "Every time I'm with you, my heart gets, like more and more involved and it blows my mind and I see that future and I want that future, and the thing is, when I have that feeling that's a little scary and that's how I know it's real. It comes full circle for me, and that much more excited about the future." Cue sunset in the background and birds chirping as they kiss and she runs her fingers across his size-medium, red-checkered shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch in Dallas.

Next, he takes her down a candlelit path to flowers in the shape of a heart. He says everything except that he loves her. Then he drops her off at a SUV. Guess who's driving? Yep, Matthew McConaughey.  

And how will they wrap the rose ceremony up in 11 minutes? My guess is that Robby will go home, but I didn't see the date with Chase, so I can't be sure. Why are they in an airport hangar? Robby wears a vest. Luke wears another in a series of checkered shirts, this one in blue and white. He might also be super bow-legged. JoJo has on a blue mermaid dress that lovingly caresses her boobs. She just says that she must say goodbye to Luke. Why would she tell us that and will we have to go through another commercial.

Uh-oh, fake alert. Luke interrupts her as she's about to send him home. He tells her that he loves her, so that she won't send  him home and so he can touch her face with his giant thumb. Maybe he could've shaved though. She says, "Thank you, but you're still going home..." She can't control her emotions and she's afraid to make a mistake. Now we are definitely going to have to wait until next week. Yep.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Don't tell me. Does M. Bovary take cyanide at the end?

Another book that I've come to late in life--Madame Bovary. Half the time as I'm reading it, I'm thinking about what my high school self would've thought about the experience, like how I would've had to read it in certain chunks for class, chapters one through three, and then answer three discussion questions or be on the look-out for obvious symbolism. The only book I remember somewhat well from high school is Silas Marner and the gold of Eppie's hair being a symbol that ties back to Silas' love of money. So as an adult, I can enjoy Madame Bovary and her sighing and longing without trying to figure out if the references to cherries means more than they first seem.

Here's what I think about Madame Bovary, the character: she's sad and lonely and bored and has no purpose in life. She wants parties and she instead gets a new sash to wear for only her buffoonish but well-intentioned husband, who can't believe how lucky he is to have gotten such a hot piece of ass. Having read no scholarship around this book, I can't help but wonder if Flaubert isn't sympathetic to Emma's life. I mean, she's like the pretty objects she buys--she's meant to be admired and looked at, but has very little use (hey, look, I found a deeper meaning in the objects). Whereas her husband is out in the world, riding horses and bleeding the local farmers (he's a doctor of sorts), Emma stays home and reads books about places she'll never visit. She wants excitement and romance and she gets a greyhound who runs away and a snoring groom whose head droops over the soup in the evenings.

Isn't that the plight of every human--believing that there must be something more to life than house and home; craving adventure but also stuck in routine? For Emma, you have to add into the fact that she has this social pressure to behave as she did in the convent. She spends most of her time avoiding the object of her desire (a desire conjured out of loneliness more than out of real attraction) and the rest of the time day-dreaming about said object. Here's the problem though--she's just met her match in a scoundrel who is delighting in seducing her. He's totally one-dimensional but maybe he too is bored by life--his sport is to take down vulnerable women, much like the guy in Dangerous Liaisons. What I thought would be tedious isn't really--though I confess I may be skimming a bit over the descriptions of the geography. I don't hate Emma--she's got this little daughter that she doesn't want, and then you wonder what will become of that female child or what may Emma's mom have been like?

Monday, July 11, 2016

And then there were...like, five? Six?

Next stop.. Argentina! Red flags, hoodies, unshaved faces, tattoos, ten pounds of hair gel, horses and carriages, roses flung down in anger, emotional roller coaster, mind games, spinning minds, disappointment, long eyelashes on a very short, muscular man, Chris Harrison and the date card, "JoJo" times 500.  Chris announces that there are no roses on one-on-one dates and this week is huge because it will determine the hometown dates. JoJo is driving out to the countryside and the date card goes to...Alex.

They get into a black SUV while the rest of the dudes have to take a bus. Product placement of chips. JoJo feels taht she is spending the day with someone she feels really comfortable with, like her baby brother. The guys are rapping. As if they just made this up. James Taylor still has a busted up eye.

JoJo is feeling the friend vibe from Alex.

We're learning about the stereotypical gaucho farmer, both strong and not afraid to wear a felt hat. Alex should've worn the boots with the heels. Two real life gauchos are leading them through the day. Alex puts on a white shirt, blue beret, and a belt with a knife. Boots that still too low. JoJo says, "You are cute little gaucho."  Cue mooing of the cow. They mount on two horses. How did Alex learn to mount a horse? Or is that a pony?

Their tasks is to force the horse to its knees and make it roll over. I am not sure why. They have become like one. a centaur. JoJo feels so relaxed. Alex feels so horny. They make out with the horse together. The horse may have died, but it doesn't matter because they are in love. They are the very exact same size. Alex admits that he is falling in love with her and Dan says, "You just want to have sex with her on top of a horse."

A dog has shown up in their final date. They drink to themselves. JoJo says, "I just feel like you've had so much fun today." Why does that matter? His doubts and fears are gone, he says. They kiss. She runs her fingers through his hair gel. Alex says that he thinks he knows that he's falling in love with her. Or wait, no, he fell in love with her the second he saw her and that's what made it hard and easy, and then hard and easy. JoJo wipes away a single tear, but she doesn't quite believe him.

The next date card arrives. Jordan the football star will get it. He goes to get a blow dryer.

Uh-oh, JoJo has sent Alex home. When he realized what was happening, he goes, "Well, that sucks," thereby confirming her decision.

Back at the ranch (for real), Jordan is trying on the tightest maroon T-shirt he can find. He arrives in a white stretch limo to board a white stretch jet waiting for him, and JoJo in denim shorts. As they fly into the air, she believes she does see a future with him. They arrive at Mendoza, a winery with the Andes mountains in the background. They take off their shoes and step into a bucket of grapes which they will later drink. This is boring. They then step into an outdoor tub in their bathing suits and we are exposed to the top-knot again. It's now evening and they are recapping what just happened and imagine what it would be like if she went with him on his home town date. Jordan confesses that he doesn't have a great relationship with one of his brothers because he never played football. Jordan says that he's so in love with her, and for some reason, she believes him. She wraps her black fingernails around his back and sticks her tongue down his throat while he fixes his hair. JoJo feels really loved as they make out on a staircase and he jams her against the wall.

Group date that involves James Taylor stuffing his face with French fries, Robby running down the hall in his underwear, and the three guys cuddling with JoJo on a bed while they watch TV. James appears to be resting his head on Robby's thigh.  I don't really think she likes any of these guys. She takes Robby out to go to the park in her holey jeans. Robby talks about his ex and all of the negatives. Then he refuses to go down that road, so he can go down this path with her. JoJo learns that they just broke up like four months ago. You guys, don't forget that this date has a rose with it. Chase, who does something with banking, says that it all still feels good. Dan says Chase looks like he should just be out at a club picking up women. Chase doesn't claim that he's in love with her, but he really likes her and wants to spend forever with her. Next up, James T., the goofball. He will blow it again by bringing up the other guys. She says that he has every quality she would want, except for that he's not as hot as the other guys. She asks him if he would possibly consider having his ears surgically pinned back or not. They kiss very loudly and he keeps his hand firmly on the back of her head so she can't pull away. Who will the rose go to??? The men debate who the front runners are and this makes them sound like they are talking about horses. Robby is certain that he's a front runner. "The person I want to give this rose to is the guy I'm ready to give the rose to," and it is Robby!! He can't wait to sit in the family room with her and his family. James T. is going home, I bet.

Last one-on-one date with Luke the war veteran and a white pony. Luke knows stuff about horses. He's like a guy on a romance novel cover, except for the lines in his forehead. He's like the dark horse, the winner. He will win. He has to. Question: should you really make a war veteran shoot a gun? He's very good at it. His conversations are way more deep than any of the other guys. I could imagine him deciding that he's not really into her. Luke doesn't seem to be having the same amount of time with her as she had with the other one-on-ones. He comes back to announce that there's only 12 minutes left in this week's episode so they have to move it along.

Time for the non-suspenseful final rose ceremony that will send James home. The men arrive in a horse and buggy drawn by two white steeds, followed by that damn dog. Eight minutes left. Chase felt that he needed more time to touch base with her. James T. has decided to slick back his hair. JoJo recognizes that this is hard, but she must follow her heart.

First rose goes to.............Luke
Second rose goes to Jordan.
Final rose goes to................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Chase.

James T. will finally be going home. He will also not be the next bachelor. He hugs the dudes goodbye. JoJo says that she will walk him out. The men pretend to be somber, but are barely containing their high-fives. They are both crying. She says that he has made her a better person.  He says that he always gets rejected. "Thank you for being so sweet to me, I mean that," he says. Lots of snot noises. James offers to babysit for them at some point. Maybe he'll get a record deal out of this.

Next week, the hometown dates, ya'all.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Lots of bearded dudes left

Them Bachelorette producers are fake-breaking the rules again by allowing Chad to return to the log cabin. Never before in the history of this show has a guy who has been fired been permitted to return for one last phony conversation with most of the guys eating bowls of Bran Flakes while wearing tight white T-shirts. Cue clinking of spoons. Chad goes hair gel to hair gel with the football player. Full moon and whistling at Pete's Cabin as Chad exits, only to reappear in that one episode where they tell all (read: recap what's already been viewed).

Oh, wait, there's JoJo, kissing Tom Cruise's younger (and shorter?) brother, Alex. James T. still has a scar on his face from a pool accident with one of the blow up swans. The men throw firecrackers and cupcakes into Alex's face in celebration. Chest bumps abound.

Jo Jo addresses the men wearing a sparkly mermaid dress and brandishing a fishbowl sized glass of box wine. Or is she wearing a pantsuit? Hard to say. Why is she in a giant bubble sponsored by Lady Bug shaving creme? They've moved from the log cabin back to the Hyatt Resort, complete with twin waterfalls. The guys freak because Robbie stuck his tongue down her throat. Is that another contestant or the bartender--get out of the frame, dude!!  One guy reads a poem scribbled on a creased piece of paper ripped from his kid's sister's seventh grade health class notebook: "Her heart is like a treasure/Her face a glittery ball/She is the beauty that is left/She is like me/Only with a breast."

They are all vying for time to make out with her. The football player mauls her in a corner, his giant hair creating a shadow in the shape of a rabbit with a bouffant. We all wonder to ourselves why ED guy remains.

Rose ceremony mid-episode.

First rose (drum beat): Derrick. Will not last.
Second rose: Robbie (from the waterfalls)
Third rose: Chay?
Fourth rose: Wells. I like him the best.
Fifth rose: Grant (the only remaining African American player)
Sixth rose: Vinnie whose hair is cut by a razor blade, making him look like an inpatient extra from a remake of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Seventh rose: James T. with the facial scab
Eighth rose and final rose:............................................................WHAT? Evan, the ED guy. Does she just want to score some Viagra for the fantasy suite episode?

Going home: Earnest guy who read a poem. Is he the only one? He exits through the revolving door. Also, the Canadian whose job is listed as "Canadian." He says, "You guys take care, eh?" He wonders why she didn't pick based on body types. He says he has a better chance of getting struck by lightning while.....(long, long pause) shaving his face. He fails in the improv category.

JoJo is flying them all to Uruguay! Or possibly Paraguay! One of the Guays. Date card arrives. Jordan gets the time with JoJo. Wells is devastated. He's a radio DJ and just wants to spin some music. Jordan excuses himself to blow dry his hair into a wave-sized crown. The guys question his motives because he's a football player and wants to be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. His hair cannot take the breeze on the boat. They snuggle on the deck and then jump into the water, ruining his hair so bad. Seals frolic around them while back at home the barber contestants gives free haircuts while wearing a straw hat.

The men have somehow gotten a hold of some gossip magazines and are afraid JoJo isn't in it for the right reasons. Coincidentally, JoJo also has met someone who used to date Jordan and she confronts him with the knowledge that she heard he was a dick. He says he was kind of a jerk because he was playing football and surrounded by cheerleaders. He reverts to something that his pastor said like "If you like it then you should've put a ring on it." He promises that he's not a cheater. Crosses his heart and hopes to make it to the next episode. JoJo is convinced by his insincerity and so asks him if he will accept this rose.  He says yes and his hair has grown back up to its largest possible size, much like that of a rooster.

The producers allow her to read the magazine so that she can cry and because otherwise the show is a snooze fest. Of course I'm Googling the article, which is what they want. She's wiping her tears away, one tear at a time. And yet her breasts still look amazing. She puts on a robe and goes to the boys to explain that she's totally there for the right reasons. The men stick up for her and rub her back while wearing light blue tank tops. Tom Cruise has forgone the shirt completely to be bare-chested, all the better to share with the American public that he has tattoos on half of his torso.

My Dan feels bad for JoJo. He points out that all Chads are bad and that there has never in the history of the world been a priest named Father Chad.

The men are treated to a spa day and we are made to look at their disgusting toes while they have cucumbers on their eyes. Does anyone find this funny? Like, are 12 year old girls wetting themselves laughing?

JoJo has been dropped into the middle of the desert for this group date. They will be sand boarding which looks like a lot of fun if you enjoy mouthfuls of sand. JoJo unfortunately has her hair in another top knot. ED is sure he will get a bloody nose again. Alex gets her attention by doing a back flip. Since he's not very tall, his center of gravity makes it easier for him to do gymnastics.

Robby, the former competitive swimmer, will be on the last one-on-one date. He appears to be growing his mustache ala a villain at a carnival.

Will wears a leather jacket and that makes me sad. He sticks to her when they hug.

Derek, the commercial banker, wants one-on-one time with her. He may be distantly related to the Baldwins. JoJo goes, "I always feel like I can tell when you're thinking." Why, because his mouth drops open? A single drop of sweat lingers on his forehead. Alex thinks he's a phony, maybe because of his insistence on wearing a suit jacket with a handkerchief over a T-shirt. Alex tells her he can see himself falling for her. The date rose will go to somebody that (who) she wants to give some reassurance to. That is Derek, the sweaty banker. Alex says that Derek is an insecure little bitch and he doesn't want the pity rose. Alex shaves his chest.

Robby and JoJo walk around Paraguay and a stray dog shows up. There's no structure to this date, which is unusual. In most cases, they have to go skinny dipping or something.  Oh, okay, they're going to jump off a cliff into the water. Luckily, Robby is a competitive swimmer plus the producers would never really let them do anything without it being safe. Her top must be glued on, because it doesn't pop off . How will they get back up? Later, at dinner, Robby confesses that he's an emotional person, like his mom. JoJo says she feels very safe with him, just like she does with her mom. Someone he knows was in a car accident from texting and driving off a bridge. I missed who it was. Maybe his best friend or possibly someone who he read about in the newspaper.  He says that he loves her, he does. He does everything at a faster pace because his friend didn't get the PSA about texting while driving. He gets a rose.

Yet another rose ceremony where ED must be going home. I hope it's not wrong of me to say that I don't trust the war veteran. Not because he's a war veteran necessarily or because he wears dog tags under his tuxedo, but because he barely talks. Robby pulls the three bully guys aside to tell them they're behaving like their in a high school clique. Alex tells him that he's being sensitive and calculated. Fake drama.

Chris Harris announces that it has been a very emotional week and so there will be no rose ceremony this evening.

I missed the rose ceremony because my computer restarted. She sent home the guy with the bad bangs, ED guy, and the African American firefighter who never had a chance. She is wearing a dress that I think used to be a tablecloth. All of the men cry. I feel bad for them, especially Vinny the barber with the worst hair cut.

Next week, they go to Buenos Aires to see Circque de Soleil.  I hope she ends up with Wells or Wills or with one of the less likely guys. We'll see.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

In which Chad punches a bunch of dudes

I'm guessing because there were two previews with nosebleeds.

This is really a two hour PSA about steroid abuse sponsored by the World Wide Federation of Wrestling.
JoJo is throwing a pool party in her super hot black bikini. The guys all jump into the pool and ED comes up covered in blood. Oh, that explains the first nosebleed. ED has a tattoo on his arms that seems to read "Adopt Dads." JoJo is not sure if Jordan is as into her as she is into him and his wooden necklace. Is this Survivor or The Bachelorette? JoJo keeps kissing her own arm and her dark hair in a top knot provides too much contrast to her blond highlights. 911 to the hairdresser, please. 

The episode is also sponsored by Billabong, which has furnished manly necklaces for all of the contestants. One of the guys confronts Chad about his aggressiveness and then the camera cuts to the giant blow up swans floating upside down in the pool.

JoJo appears for the final ceremony dressed in a sparkly I Dream of Jeannie two piece pant suit.  I hope Nick gets to stay.

First rose: Grant, the African American gentleman
Second rose:

My computer shut down, so I had to reboot and can tell you that the producers forced JoJo to keep Chad and so Nick went home. Sorry, Nick. At least she kept Wells. The other African American guy went home, as well as the guy with one eyebrow. That's probably racist.

Here's one of the worst stock images I've ever seen. Like what would this be for (?):

They are off to beautiful, bear-filled Pennsylvania and JoJo is being flown in via a prop plane. All the way from LA? Cue JoJo in J. Crew sweater sipping from a mug in front of a fireplace. The men arrive in caravan of mud-splashed Jeeps. Luke will get the first one-on-one date. He's a war veteran with a super James Dean-ish hair style. This whole show has a very 1950s vibe. JoJo and Luke are driven across the countryside by Eskimo dogs. I think that's mean to the dogs. How is she not petting those dogs?
Guest logger: Dan
Aimee asked me to jump in and guest blog. But it is as commercial. I think Chad is a frightening human being. Getting in the hot tub. The smell of flesh boiling. Luke and Jo Jo. Jo Jo and Luke. Luke's hair gel is wack. We need to know more about him though. Back to Chad. He eats all the time. He chews nonstop. Why are they showing a bear along with shots of Chad? Unsubtle comparison. 

Okay, I'm back. Nothing much is happening and I don't understand why this went on for two consecutive episodes. Caution: when you Google "black bear, PA" 80% of the images are dead bears who have been shot for sport. 

The men debate whether Luke will get a rose or not. Jordan wonders if Luke has stolen his hairstyle. Both favor the huge wave. Group date that leaves Chad and Alex on the two-on-one date where one of them will go home. Alex says it's good vs. evil. Cue shot of full moon. 

JoJo says that Luke has a very relaxed self. She doesn't realize it comes from PTSD and an ongoing Oxycontin addiction. He tells a story about getting recruited to play at West Point and how he went to Afghanistan with his men and then his high school friend was killed by friendly fire. Luke says he looks into her eyes and he gets chills when he realizes that her eyes are the two eyes he could be forced to look into for the rest of his life. His schlock guarantees him a rose. 

Cue another singer I don't recognize and the two of them have to make out in the middle of a fog machine in front of hundreds of real fans.

I didn't write at all about the football tryouts that men were forced to do to illustrate their manliness. James T. loses and eye but he doesn't want stitches. THAT's how masculine he is! The entire group will suffer from concussions which should change their personalities not at all.

The winning team will get to watch JoJo do cheers and the losing team will go back to the man-resort to drink.

News flash: Clinton has taken the lead in New Jersey. She will be the democratic nominee!!! Go, Hill!

Back at the house, Lou dons a knit hat and Alex and Chad pretend to hate each other. All scripted. Chad says that the only way that he can get Alex to be quiet is to punch him in the face. Alex has tattoos all over his legs, which doesn't make him any taller, unfortunately. Sizism.

Tag football so none of the guys can sue. Jordan says that he was dropping dimes out there. ED gets another bloody nose but hides it. Ball intercepted by somebody on the blue team. Coach gets the water bucket. Lots of white headbands. Someone slaps JoJo on the ass. The defeated team skulks back to the locker room. Who cares.

Aside: In Trump's most recent speech, he said that inner cities are in terrible shape and so we therefore need to help the African Americans, thereby reinforcing the stereotype that inner cities are terrible because of black people and filled with poor black people. Why is no one outraged? Are they? Am I missing it?

JT is having a bad hair day, making him look more like Howdy Doody than Almanzo Wilder. Also, he kissed her with blood on his face.

JoJo has to give away a rose and she pins it to Jordan because he said that he could see himself falling in love with someone who is right in front of him. Not her in particular, but someone possibly like her.

Back at the house, the men call each other names and pretend like they are going to fight Chad. This gives men a bad name. because they all look like jerks who can only work things out by posturing and threatening one another.

Chad and Alex pack their bags and I can guarantee you for the viewing of the show that Chad will come home. Chad tells Jordan that he will go to his house and beat him up. Alex is wearing patriotic socks like a little clown. It's so predictable that she will keep Chad on the show because it's better television. I will bet money on it.
JoJo is dressed in a red lumberjack shirt because she's in PA. Chad picks her up when he hugs her to show that he's stronger. They are going on a hike. They both have to chop wood. One rose remains on a block of wood. Chad says, Did you ever go float in a river? JoJo asks Alex if he's mad at Chad. Alex spills it. Now she's going to go confront Chad. If she picks him, I have to go volunteer at a domestic violence shelter. I have to. JoJo says Alex told her that Chad was threatening the other men. JoJo says that she would never go tell the women that she would kick their asses. He says, If you have a better way to deal with it, let me know. She said, Yeah, sit down and talk things through. I think it's so interesting that he doesn't deny it. JoJo wonders if Chad is just struggling because his mother died six months ago. She cries about it.

Okay, she has pulled herself together and will maybe send both of them home? She has to send Chad packing. Okay, she is. She tells him that she doesn't think physical violence is the way to solve problems. Chad wonders if he is getting pranked right now. Back home, the guys are thrilled that Chad's suitcase is going home. They pop champagne and tequila. Chad says now he has to go and find Alex and beat the crap out of him. Why are they showing us scenes of Chad left alone in the woods whistling like he's about to come at them with an axe. As if the producers would let that happen.Or would they???

Monday, June 6, 2016

A dramatic two night television event when you should be doing something meaningful

Like anything else. Like putting stamps on envelopes, learning how to make chicken fricassee, writing a poem, bench-pressing puppies. Chad is into eating a lot of wheat and drinking vitamin water. We get it, everyone hates the Chadsters. Chris arrives to lay out the plan--coupla group dates, one-on-ones, nothing new, even though he said it was a little bit different this time. Ginger is wearing a T-shirt I think I got in my last Stitch. Chase gets the first one-on-one where he is supposed to "get physical." Of course it has to do with hot yoga. The teacher wants to know how long the two have been intimate (as she pretends to not know that she's on the show?). The teacher illustrates what it means for them to have an anger-gasm. Embarrassing. This is what gives yoga a bad name. JoJo feels that the date is super awkward. Wait until one of them farts. That always happens. Oh, wait, instead, they are making out.

Here's who they are not like:

Lots of previews about the impending fist fight between Chad and someone else--the little guy? Okay, get to it already.

Now JoJo  and Chase are at dinner and she compliments him on totally going with it and she felt really connected in the Yim Yam pose. They lok as though they are in someone's kitchen. She gives Chase a rose (only after giving a dumb speech about how she feels that the man who gets it is genuinely there for her). Cue guitar music, which leads to them slow dancing at their own private musical show from Creed or some other band with lyrics that include "tiny dancer" in them.

Group date...meaning that...who gets the one-on-one?

Chad says he doesn't want to go with 12 guys. Jordan confronts him, pointing out that it was always lots of guys before this.  James T. tells him not to go. The ED guy asks for a Sharpie so he can cross Chad's name off the list. Chad says Jordan is a 27 year old failed football player. The short guy says that he's a piece of shit. Please remember that this is all scripted. It's fantasy.

Group date takes them to a comedy club so that they can tell their most embarrassing sex stories to all of us and a live studio audience and their moms.I can't imagine any of them have any interesting sex stories, except for maybe the ED guy.

The Canadian guy says that he thinks poop is his favorite bodily fluid, or the funniest. He looks like he is made of wax or is a ventriloquist's dummy.

Chad tries to kiss JoJo on the stage and she turned her cheek at the last second. Chad tries to punch the little ED guy because he made fun of his steroids.  He punches a wall and bloodies his knuckles. Everyone is aghast. I am not typing everything that's happening because it's a bunch of posturing and fakeness. Also because I was eating ice cream. Chad says the ED guy is bitter because he f-ed up and had three kids and his life blows. Maybe this is somewhat authentic because I can't imagine someone scripting those exact words.

Ding-dong. James T. gets the one-on-one date and Luke, the war veteran from Texas, is so upset.

Back at the group date, the men are drinking heavily with ice cubes clinking in the glass. Chad gets time with JoJo and says that ED tried to push him over and he said that he is appearing to be a bully. ED interrupts the date and Chad restrains himself from punching him. ED tells JoJo that he will leave if Chad stays for the night.

Guest Blogger: Dan

If I was Jo Jo, I would send Chad home and the Erectile Dysfunction guy. I don't need that shit. I mean Jo Jo doesn't need that shit. You are not a strong person if you have to tell people that you are strong person - like ED just did. Oh, crap, Jo Jo just called out Even (ED). He dug his own grave + I think he seems equally feminine as Jo Jo. Chad is twisting up his face. Everyone else is for real. ED looks like one of the 3 musketeers. OMG  ED just got a rose. Chad's head is going to explode. It's going to twist right off. ED is honest. Chad is losing it. He's honest. If they get married Chad would eventually hit Jo Jo and then her brothers would put out a hit on Chad. He's spitting, and thoroughly disrespectful.

Aimee is back.

JoJo is dressed like a 1950s pin up girl and James Taylor wears suspenders. He is also from Texas.  We meet some old people who have been dancing for hundreds of years. They are going to teach JoJo and Jimmy how to swing dance. He confesses that he's a horrible dancer and it does appear to be true. He wears wing tip shoes. He reminds me of someone from The Waltons or perhaps Almanzo from Little House on the Prairie. Right, Kristine???

James T. feels that he has lived life like he was in the movies because they recreated a group dance scene possibly from 42nd Street.

We know this rose ceremony won't be like any of the others because it goes to part II tomorrow night. The wax faced guy explains to Chad that he needs to take it down a notch and not be so much like Hitler, Mussolini or Donald Trump.

JoJo and JT are in a blue Convertible surrounded by some very loud crickets. They are drinking whiskey out of thermoses. JoJo is not sure if she can be physically attracted to JT because he reminds her too much of the boy next door. The one with the crutches and the stutter and the cowlick.  JT explains how he was made fun of as a kid and JoJo gives him a pity rose. Oh, crude, he brought his guitar. It makes JoJo so happy and it makes me so unhappy. I hate it when it seems like they are really on the show to get a record or modeling or acting deal, but of course, that's why they're all there.

The boys debrief about the upcoming rose ceremony and Chad's muscular body. We know we're not going to actually get to the ceremony because of tomorrow's show. Instead of a cocktail party there will be an all day pool party!!!! ED goes after Chris and tattles on what Chad has done. I hope it doesn't end with a male rape. He thinks it's an issue with the guy being too much on testosterone. Chris confronts Chad and Chad says that ED pushed him first. I know, roll the tape. It's on video.Chris tells Chad to apologize and Chad decides he will go ahead and beat the crap out of him.