There's no place like...

Hometown dates.

First hometown is with the baby voice woman who has a shoulder disability that disallows her from wearing shirts that touch her shoulders. Doctors orders: all shirts must fall off her arms. I've diagnosed eczema.

Her two little girls arrive, also wearing shirts that fall off their shoulders. They wear matching pink cardigans, ponytails and lace up sandals favored by the Kardashians. One daughter goes, "Is that Daddy? Where Daddy go?"  Ben awkwardly plays with the little girls, picking one of them up by her ponytail. This is a serious reality check for him. "Are you the new daddy?"

"I don't know, honey. I haven't given her a rose yet. Let's see what she's made me for dinner."

They drive back from the beach and the littlest baby cries and cries. Amanda's milk comes in.

She lives with her parents? Ben brings a house-warming gift of a paper mache balloon. Ben follows her upstairs to put the baby to bed. The baby screams. Amanda considers giving her up for adoption. Her mom tells Ben that Amanda is very hands-on as a mother. Ben must decide. Does he want to travel the world completely unbound with a hot 24 year old or does he want to move to a small beach town and take care of two toddlers? Hmmm...

Dad seals the deal by telling Ben that if he has kids, he won't be able to go bowling. The toddlers will have to come first. Ben and Amanda kiss goodnight and she goes, "Hey, one last thing, can you help me with the car seat? You have a degree in physics, right? Could you just quickly set up this pack and play?"

Second hometown in Portland, Oregon with Lauren B. He is so relieved that she doesn't have kids. They kiss by the waterfront, their groins immodestly pressed together.

Portland is a much cooler town.

At first, I thought she lived in a castle, but it's actually a whiskey library. Or, as Lauren says, "The whiskey li-berry" (right, Emily?). They sit there, not drinking any whiskey. Dan thinks her lips are too thin. I like it that she's wear a shirt with sleeves, even though it's made of flannel.

I believe that Lauren will be one of the finalists but then will not be chosen as Ben will decide he is in love with Caila. That is my prediction.
She brings him home to meet her dad, mom, sister, brother and brother and the 15 year old chihuahua. I guess at home she goes by Lolo, not to be confused with Lilo. Molly, the sister, will eff it up just like Mary did to Edith last night on Downton Abbey. I believe she might also be hitting on him with her Bambi eyes and pink bra showing. Her shirt is so low cut that her tiny titty might pop out. If we're lucky. Ben can't even focus. His eyes start to water. Turns out he's allergic to the dog. Molly gets a rose. Molly then talks to Lauren who says that she was meant to meet Ben on a reality TV show. Maybe Molly is a therapist. She's really good at making people cry.

This dog is available for adoption.
Third hometown date with Caila, who is the chronic smiler. It's really hard to kiss someone who is smiling all the time. You end up kissing front teeth. I bet she got voted most friendly in her high school yearbook. She first has him color and then she takes him to a factory to make a house out of Playdough and ball bearings. It's not clear to me if she works there or if one of her parents does. She does have a real job--something like software-tician. He sweeps her up in the middle of a factory like in that one movie. What was it....An Officer and a Gentleman, a title that sounds like it's about two men in love but is not. Debra Winger is in it with Richard Gere.


He meets mom and dad. Mom is from the Philippines and dad is a white guy whose eyes are very close together. Ben never actually gets to eat a meal. Caila's mom is beautiful and has braces on both the top and bottom teeth. Maybe she could have taken her retainer out to be on TV? Mom says her daughter has very high standards and hasn't yet met anyone who is at her level. Ben expresses fear that Caila will not accept him even though she doesn't really get to do any of the choosing. None of the women do. Caila tells her dad that she is falling for Ben. Dad says, Darling, there is no rule book to love. Or to the color of your pants (orange).


Final hometown date. JoJo gets a handwritten letter from Ben, who apparently doesn't have an email account. Wait, she didn't get to see the envelope prior to opening the letter because it turns out that the letter is from her ex, Chad! Most "Chads" end up being exes. She cries and paces the living room while the producers focus in on a dozen red roses. She calls Chad and all he can tell her is that he literally has gone through, like, so much since she's been gone. He says he now knows what loves is because she literally showed it to him. Does he know that he's on speakerphone and also on TV?  Phony scene alert. Maybe he and Ben can fight for her love with a good old-fashioned wrestling match.


Uh-oh, Ben has just pulled up wearing a J. Crew oatmeal zipper sweater. Every guy loves to be greeted at the door by a woman crying over her ex boyfriend. She has a huge mirror in her living room ala the reign of Marie Antoinette. She says that she's not nervous about him meeting her family, she's just anxious (aka "nervous").


Has Jojo been away from home for two years? Her brothers yell and scream as she walks in. Mom has had some work done. The brothers are skeptical in their oxford shirts. They look Italian but keep saying y'all. Oh, we're in Texas. It all makes more sense now. Dad is a short bald man with a little mustache. JoJo's brother is also named Ben. Will that cause some problems? No wonder JoJo has a giant mirror. Her parent's house is rife with Victorian furniture and people-sized oil paintings of warriors on horseback and mom's bed is a chariot.

So many tears this last hometown. Mom has perhaps had her lips done five too many times so that her face sort of looks like that living cat woman lady. Dad appear as if his job might be in imports and exports or a former serial killer or he may be a distant relation of Charlie Chaplin.

The brothers want to know if JoJo's sure she can be almost falling in love with him after only two one on one dates. We all wonder that. JoJo's brothers feel that Ben is not that emotionally invested in her. Oh, okay the brothers aren't that bad; they are just warning Ben that they care about their sister and don't want to see her get hurt. The brother says that Ben sounds like he's been coached to say certain things. Yes, well, that's probably true. Is it true that he can't reveal anything to any of them. Mom swigs wine straight out of a bottle.

So, who will be ousted? Would he rather take on two toddlers or two grown men who want to beat the shit out of him?


Final rose ceremony. Come on, get to it. I am usually in bed by now. JoJo seems genuinely glad to see Amanda. Three roses. Four ladies. Please, no more commercial breaks. He should send Amanda home unless he is serious about wanting to be a stepdad. But I don't think JoJo is a mature enough. She's still crying about her ex.

First rose: Lauren. She will accept this rose and also a jacket as she appears to be freezing.
Second rose: Caila. Caila, will you accept this rose and this giant hair curler?
Final rose: JoJo. Which means he really would rather be with one of the remaining two.

Amanda/Mom goes home. She can have her own reality TV show now about being the most beautiful single mom in the world who is not also a teenager. She says she wishes he would've told her sooner and not brought her back out to LA. He says, Did you read the contract? We're on a TV show and I had no choice.


Next week: we go to poverty-stricken Jamaica to experience what Dan is calling the Fellatio Suite. And then Ben will send JoJo home in the least surprising rose ceremony ever.

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