Gather the Smelling Salts

Now, where were we? I believe we left at a cliff hanger (or Clift Hanger, as I am inclined to write), where Daisy Buchanan has feigned a faint and Chris, sweat streaming down his broad American face in salty rivers, has had to step away from the room to gather himself. The paramedics are on hand every second I guess in case anyone has a ruptured breast implant or chokes on wine/whine or whatever. What is wrong with Kelsey? She ate a brownie with a nut? She asks to speak to Chris and wants to make sure that he's not going to not give her a rose. Eyelashes is on to her and thinks that she may be lying about the husband. Brilliant, Eyelashes!

Rose Ceremony: Carly and Britta are safe. None of the women want Kelsey to get the rose because she's a phony. First rose: Jade,  long brown hair. Second rose: Kayla, also brown hair, she's funny and has birds on her arms. Fourth rose: Megan. Blond. Eyelashes is crying because she doesn't have a sad story. Fifth: Somebody blond. The woman with the doll teeth all the same size. Sixth: Ashley aka Eyelashes aka the Virgin. Seventh rose: Kelsey will faint if she doesn't get a rose. Huge pauses. Tears. Pause. More tears. Pause, music builds...Finally...Kelsey. Duh, no duh. This is one of the subplots. Going home: Samantha and MacKenzie who is too young for him anyway (age 21). The girls point out that Sam has a sad story too, but that she didn't use it for leverage.

Coming up: Deadwood, South Dakota. Campfires, kisses. We see Chris change his shirt and put on a leather jacket. Photos of him dressed as a Confederate soldier and a guy in Old West duds. Britt asks Kelsey how she feels and Kelsey says it will be nice not to be just the widow. Or window. I don't know what she's saying.

First one on one with his identical twin sister, Becca. They will get on horses. Cameras have been mounted on the grippy-thingy on the saddle.

Back at the ranch, the women gang up on Kelsey, who automatically brings a tear to her eyes and apologizes to their faces while off-screen, we hear her sarcastically say that she's sorry she uses such big words around these bimbos.

Becca and Chris are laughing a lot, but I missed a lot of what they're laughing about--I can't tell if he's laughing at her or laughing with her. He asks her what her five year plan is and she makes fun of him and says, What's your 15 year plan? He says he wants four to six children, and she says she's one of five. Hey, guess what, Becca is also a virgin. They kiss and Becca then apologizes to her dad. Wait til she goes down on him on national television (sorry, mom!).

Group date and he hugs all of the women, most of who are wearing sparkles and/or leather and denim. Megan sometimes seems drunk. What happened to the woman who came back last week and just wanted to hang out? Was that Sam? Some country Western guys show up.  Or is that Tom Petty? I have no idea.Whoever he is, he can't stop hitting on the women. They're supposed to write country Western songs. The other gals are jealous because he's so in love with Britt. But don't be fooled. The Bachelor producers have done this before--led us down a certain path, only to veer off into a different direction. So, don't be fooled. Carly nails it because she is a lounge singer. She needs to get her roots done, but I still like her. My favorite is still that bird on the elbow girl. Jade is shy. She also can't sing or rhyme, but she's sweet. They're all sweet and wearing denim. He makes out with Jade because of her shyness. Kaitlyn feels like they still have a connection, but then he runs off with Britt, but it's Chris who pulls her away. She's a waitress/actress/super model. He whisks her away to the Tom Petty concert. The backdrop is a giant American flag. Not one black person in the entire 10,000 seat auditorium. He asks her if she will accept this rose in front of all of these hicks. Oh, I forgot, these people on TV are extroverts. Like, I could never in a million years get up in front of an auditorium full of people and dance, unless of course, I looked like a human mermaid in high tops, as she does.

Britt comes back and all the girls give her the cold shoulder and even brave Kayley cries and her nose turns bright red because she says it's so obvious that Britt and Chris have this amazing chemistry and then the fertility nurse cries because Britt is so damn pretty and it makes her feel not so pretty.

Awkward two on one date with Kelsey and Eyelashes. They fly past the heads of the presidents and Kelsey rattles them off while Eyelashes rolls her eyes and they get stuck together. He goes off first to make out with Ashley who wears a lot, a lot of make up. Ashley has really long gypsy hair in braids and is dressed like a yoga instructor except for the knee high black Gestapo boots. Meanwhile, Kelsey waits on the bed in the middle of the desert. Maybe he will send them both home. Kelsey goes back and stares at Ashley who will not look in her direction. Kelsey says that she knows that Ashley threw her under the bus. I read somewhere recently that people who use the phrase "threw so and so under a bus" are the main arbitrators of under-the-bus-throwing. Ashley finds Chris and cries at him. He holds her on the side of a mountain. Maybe he likes to rescue girls. Nope, he tells her that he thinks she's in a different place then he is. She is ridiculous. She won't stop crying. And then laughing and then crying and then throwing up. He also tells Kelsey that he wants to send her home too. Yay!! She manages to keep crying and looking noble. He says, Take care, and whisks off in a helicopter. The women are so happy that Kelsey is leaving. Wait, did her husband die or didn't he. Is someone about the jump off a cliff?

That's why they call it the Badlands, people.

Oh, no, a two day event next time. Sunday AND Monday. It's crazy, because I pretty much like all of these remaining women, except possibly maybe the fertility nurse who has that dumb baby voice.