Monday, February 2, 2015

The season is about to EXPLODE

That's what the preview guy just said. I think that just means there will be more baby talk and one girl will effectively fake an orgasm (Carly). Why are they painting Daisy Buchanan aka Kelsey as the
bad person? I like her. Oh, yeah, except I forgot that the previews reveal that she slips on a banana peel that she threw down herself and has to be rushed to the set of General Hospital for pretend ER care.

The ladies jump up and down because they are going to Sante Fe, which is either in Old or New Mexico. Each girl appears to require a minimum of 15 bikinis per person. Chris is excited to spend time with these beautiful girls/women in an adobe-style Holiday Inn. Eyelashes wants to prove to Chris that she's a virgin by allowing him to take her virginity on the circular resort bed and then showing the bloodstained sheets to the girls over orange juice the next morning.

Carly, the cruise ship operator, gets the first real date and is so stoked by it. She wears her Liz Claiborne Sante Fe sweater from Macy's. They are met by a woman with dark bobbed hair whose earrings are so long that they touch her navel. She is a meditating love guru whose head shot didn't make the first cut of the Bachelor auditions. Chris and Carly must sit back to back and breath in and out until their lips are numb and they must keep their eyes closed even as they know the cameras are zooming in for a close up. Carly blind folds Chris and she is going to use her touch and her breath to smear strawberries on his bare chest. It's like Nine and a Half Weeks except he ends up with a chocolate smeared mouth that makes it appear as though he has lost a few teeth. They have to take off each others clothes while staring at one another. Both of them are experiencing it as the worst date of their lives. Next, they have to breath on each other and explore each other with their hands, this is the fake orgasm that they previewed. All she's really doing is breathing heavy. They are not allowed to kiss. What if he gets a hard on? I mean, can he get one with the cameras rolling? Do they have a professional fluffer off screen? Meanwhile, the piano keys flutter in the background as they finally kiss. There's no way that you could compare this gal Carly to the facade presented by Eyelashes, for example.


Group date and they have to go on the river and the girls get jealous because one of the ladies has super cold feet (foreshadowing?? ) and so Chris massages them in her cute little men's athletic socks. Group dates are so stupid. How will the fertility nurse get the time she needs with Chris? Stop calling each other girls!

Some girl from week two shows up and he says he sent her home because she got too drunk and didn't seem that serious. She said that it was God that brought her back, but I think it was her dad's Chevy. She wants a second chance. This is dumb. Just tell her no. Everyone will totally hate her and she just more or less admitted that she has a drinking problem. He lets her stay. I hope she gets drunk and he kicks her off again. Can anyone come back at any time?

Here's that girl whose teeth are all the same size. Whitley the sperm gatherer gets the rose and Eyelashes is like so upset by it because she thinks Whitley is way too perky. I bet this girl thinks that if she were in The Breakfast Club, she would be the Ally Sheedy character, when actually, she's way more like Claire as played by Molly Ringwald. I mean if Molly's character wore three layers of fake eyelashes. Not that she's ever heard of The Breakfast Club, as she probably hadn't been born yet.


He goes to wake up Britt and she looks beautiful because she puts all of her make up on before she goes to bed, just in case, which explains why she has lipstick on at 4 a.m.. She's worried that she will have to jump off of something, but instead she's going to go up in a hot air balloon! Little does she know that she will have to jump out of the hot air balloon once they get over the field where the llamas frolic. Why aren't there more llamas in this show? He wears a manly flannel shirt and she wears sparkles and rings on her index finger. Chris says that he's on cloud 9. Who is driving this thing? Back at the house, the girls gossip about how  Britt has said that she likes to be single so much and then they cut to the date where she tells Chris that she wants to have, like, 100 kids. You will not be fitting into those cute little red hot pants after one kid, lady. Dan wants to know why none of these women are not full time Victoria's Secret models. It's true, they are all very cute. He also suggests that they could model for Sears if they wanted to and "make a shit load of cash."

Britt comes back and tells the girls that she was in Chris' room for two hours and Kelsey, who hasn't eaten in about six days straight, does not take this lying down (she will be lying down later, we know this from the previews). She goes to his room and uses the pity method to ensure a rose, telling him about her husband who died of a heart attack out of the blue. Meanwhile, I can't stop wondering how much hair mousse is required to get Chris' hair to stand on end like that. Wait, she made this up? That's what my friend Kristine is texting me right now. This was something I didn't know. Like she's not going to be found out? So fake. No one would do this. I can't even complain about the set up of this, yes, it's scripted and they have to always make someone the bad girl, but I mean...How stupid is the audience supposed to be? Very, I guess. This is insulting. And like she would then act all smug about it.

Chris makes a speech about how Kelsey's story is triggering his lost memories of sexual abuse by his camp counselor in seventh grade. Kelsey allows her eyes to well with tears. No one can cross her because she has a dead husband. Or not. She strings together a bunch of cliches about time and Britt is continually rubbing her shoulder until it starts bleeding.

Chris has decided to send all of the women home. Every single one of them. There will be no cocktail party. How are they going to wrap this up in four minutes? It must be too cold in the room because they all have blankets on their laps. Three minutes. Kelsey is a guidance counselor? She leaves the room and has faked a fall on the balcony. She manages to keep her legs together. Maybe Chris will make out with her while she's on the ground. TO BE CONTINUED...Dan says, We won't know if Kelsye's dead or alive for a whole week! And then they end with the funny "real" scene of one of the blond girls being totally racist and stupid. Can't wait until next week.

No comments: