Monday, February 23, 2015

Three Damsels Left and Only One Fertility Nurse Who Really Matters

I mean, that's my guess. Baby voice can make it work wherever she happens to lives as we discussed in last week's post (see: animal husbandry). Becca, nee Doll Teeth, however, may not be able to transition (though I forget her job) and Kaitlan is too urban to be a farm girl. Here are the questions of the night--will he send the virgin home? Will a monkey in Bali poop on Chris' shirt, with hilarity ensuing? Will they confront the poverty of this country or just bask in its ethnicity because of how colorful it is? Chris contemplates the sunset while sitting on a rock, as in the distance, a poor man pulls rice with a basket on his back.

Kaitlan arrives first and wraps her legs around him because she's tiny. Oh, okay, yes, they will be exploiting the culture fully--they are now carrying their own baskets on their heads and Chris wears a turban. It is possible that Kaitlan has bad skin covered by three layers of foundation? Her face seems to be melting off. A bit.

A monkey appears, as friendly as the crazy squirrels
on Penn's campus. More erupt from the trees, leaping on Chris' back and we all begin to wonder if this is foreshadowing for his inevitable heroin addiction later in life. They go to dinner and Kaitlan's face again looks weird--a little yellow, as though she may have malaria. I mean, she is still totally beautiful though. Chris tells her not to worry and he hands her the fantasy suite card. Kaitlan says, "I can't imagine saying no to that." Chris says that they both deserve it. I think she doesn't really like him all that much and that's the main problem. They move into the FS and find a bathtub full of roses. Unfortunately, the corpse of the native person who had to pluck the roses is at the bottom of it, but they probably won't actually use it anyway. Kaitlan admits that she has fallen in love with Chris and Chris pretends to believe her. They kiss. A monkey screeches in the background.

What is this with the women jumping on Chris and wrapping their legs around him in a koala-like embrace? If I did that to Dan, he would fall over and I would crack a tooth. Whitley and Chris go on a pirate ship called the Plaintain. Please do not let them do the Titanic thing on the prow or bow or whatever it's called. "Journey, the journey..." Whitley has her own addiction--to helium.  I do like her better with her hair flat--not so bouffanty in this particular episode. At dinner, she wears a lime colored dress from Forever 21 and works very hard to maintain eye contact. Someone needs to get a fan for Chris. He wants to know if Whitley would like to live in a town with 400 people. She gives him this run around about how her career is very important to her and how she worked really hard to get where she is, but how she would leave it all in a second to have his babies. That is exactly what she said IN A NUTSHELL (which is a phrase I notice that people overuse these days). They decide of course to go into the fantasy suite and Whitley covertly brings the turkey baster with her in case she gets sent home.

Next is Becca, the virgin. They consult some local fortune tellers who tell them to have sex. This is ironic for Becca. She is saving herself for marriage (read: she will only do anal).  How old is she? She so, so doesn't look real. Is her mom a dentist? Is she part zombie?A Christian? Brainwashed? Made of wax? Chris has this way of looking at someone when she's talking with his chin up, kind of quivering. Beccas says that she would have to really really have to be sure she's in love before she would think of moving to Iowa. She barely moves her mouth when she talks as if she's practicing ventriloquism. Becca gets a handwritten note from Chris the host on lined notebook paper written in the penmanship of a fourth grader. Next time, they should choose a climate
 that's not 110 degrees. They take a tour of the fantasy suite and she goes, "Here's to falling in love in the most unexpected way!" Whatever that means, I guess they're toasting to falling in love on a TV program? She launches into a long preamble as she tries to figure out how to tell Chris about the status of her hymen, She finally says that she's a virgin. He sighs. He doesn't know how to respond. He says, "I respect that. I am surprised." He says that he's really more interested in figuring out how their relationship is going to work. But he won't be able to figure out how it works in bed until he puts a ring on her finger.

The next morning, Chris stands gazing off into horizon wearing a tight light blue T-shirt and Becca strolls bra-less down the beach in a maxi dress. Chris says that he sees all three of these girls as potential mates. He does use the term "girls" which applies mostly to Becca. Becca draws a picture of penis entering a heart in the sand. Did he take her virginity last night, is that why he's almost, not really crying? Dan says, "Turns out he's a virgin too."  Since it's so hard for Chris to choose one woman, Dan suggests that maybe they should just morph this show into that one about the guy with five wives.


Half an hour left, and how will they stretch this out? And why are the Chris' dressed identically ibn white warriors with tablecloths tied as sashes around their waists? The women are arranged by size, tallest to shortest, including Whitley's top knot. The women are dressed in traditional Bali clothes in bright colors like so much ornamentation in varying shades of lipstick. He pulls Becca aside and sits on the dirty steps despite his white pants. He looks like he's in scrubs. They both claim to be falling in love with one another, and yet they seems robotic. I wonder how many times they have to cut the scene to towel off Chris? Are they not allowed to call each other on the phone? Okay, she is coming back, so he will keep her and that means that one of the other two will have to go home and it's probably Kaitlan. She's too cool for him.


First rose goes to Whitley...That means Kaitlin is going home. Chris should follow his heart in
realizing that Becca won't want to be with him.

Music swells. He picks Becca. Kaitlin shakes her head in dismay. He made a mistake. He does go for blonds. He tells Kaitlin that he's so sorry. She lets him hug her while she stands there woodenly and asks, "What happened?" Kaitlin is confused and upset but still beautiful. A rooster crows. She walks away with him. This is a horrid show. I mean, if any of this is real. She gets into the van and puts her sear belt on right away, because safety first. I have to keep in perspective that they really don't know each other all that well.

Chris seems torn or maybe just overheated.

Next week is The Bachelor: The Women Tell All. I don't like that episode because of the recaps of the recaps, but I will tune in anyway.

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