The Bachelor, Season 547

I decided to just skip the first hour and guess what? There's still nothing going on. He's still meeting the girls/women/girls and it is just so great to meet all of them, and they're all so beautiful and have such beautiful dental work and such shiny lip gloss that he can't take it. Is it okay to tell someone she looks great when they've just meet? Sarah has had some work done and one of the things she had done was to be poured into a white dress. What is this guy's name anyway? Dustin? Destiny? Three black girls already--that is amazing. The rest are blondes named Giana or Tiarana or Broleena. Diana forgot to tell him her name, but she did remember to braid her hair. Lesley brought a flipping football, and she's making him snap it at her. This is so embarrassing. Why does she keep saying Blue 32? Is that from Toy Story? There are like 300 girls and they all have stupid opening lines. Kristie is from Wisconsin and she's brought the best from the Midwest!! How often did she practice that. Ashley H. also just arrived and she's of unspecified ethnicity. This girl's family owns an Italian restaurant, and she has  message from her dad saying, If you break my heart, he'll break your legs. HAAAHHAA. NO, someone is wearing a wedding dress. The humiliation continues! These women suck. One surprise guest is about to come out of the limo! Thank God, a commercial break.

The surprise guest is Kacie B. I don't know who she is and how would he know who she is? I guess she's there for the right reason sand for a second chance. She's from Ben's season? The other girls don't think it's fair. Desiree, the bridal stylist, might be in tears. They all look like Barbie's. No ordinary girls, all very Hollywood looking, all wearing prom dresses, except for the one in the wedding dress. I wish one of them would not accept the rose. JUST ONCE! He wants them to be theirselves. That's what he said.

He meets first with Kacie, who didn't expect to be there. But then, how did she get there? He gives her his letter jacket. He's not my type. The little brown haired girl, Desire, would of course, accept the rose, Oh, my gosh! She stands out because she has a rose.

I remember now why I stopped watching this show, but why I do hope someone out there is writing her dissertation on this show. It's always the same. The women are always portrayed as slightly desperate to get married, and they never seem to have a choice--or they never make the choice to say no. And they're catty and insecure and superficial. The guys are not that much different; bland, not interesting (one exception: Andrew Firestone. He was the best). It's hard to even be sarcastic about it any more; it's too easy to make fun of.

He has given out four roses so far and all the women are freaking out! He even gave one to the black girl. He's giving the roses to the girls he likes a lot and who have a lot of energy. Ashely H. did not get one, even though she put herself out there, she can barely open her mouth to speak. Lindsay, the wedding dress girl, is hoping he understands the joke, she's totally drunk and wishes she hadn't so much to drink. She begs him for a  kiss and is forcing him to dance. She did not get a rose. She worries that she blew it for doing a ballsy move and she thinks that maybe he didn't get it. Ashley somebody else is dancing like a porn star while he's trying to talk to Paige. I actually love the drunk girls. They're the most fun. She pulls out a tie and says, When you got dumped by Emily, I called my mom and said, Mom, that guy is the guy I'm going to marry. My mom already loves you. She falls down the stairs. I would get drunk too, totally. If I were still drinking.

I'm happy he's at least giving some roses to the black girls. I always feel like they just have one or two for show. This one girl seems to be almost crying, Taryn. He steals Brooke away and Taryn is a little bit drunk. Taryn is surprised that she has to compete for his attention. Hi, that's the whole point. Sarah is insecure and doesn't feel like she should do it, because she only has one arm. WHAT? That's a new one. She explains that she was obviously born with just one arm. He says, Really?I didn't even notice. He gives her a rose. I won't make any jokes about which hand she will use to accept it. Of course he does, he would look like such a jerk if he didn't.

Ting ting ting. Rose ceremony. He confesses that he has some tough decisions to make.  Yawn.

Rose ceremony. Only 7 roses left to hand out.  Sean is the most sincere bachelor ever, says Chris. Sean says, Thank you guys for coming out. It's like he's speaking to the football team.

First rose goes to Amanda. She's got brown hair and a great smile. The other girls just look pissed. I wish one of them would vomit.

Second rose: Lesley M. with her hair in a bun.

Third rose: KC. Of course. They paid her a lot of money to show up again.

Fourth rose: Christie or Kirtsen or Kristen. Another brown haired girl.

5th: Daniella. A blond.

6th: Taryn, the crier who can't believe she has to compete for his attention.

Last rose: please give it the wedding dress crazy girl. Yes, he did! Good, she was fun.

The crazy dancer and the other black girl and the beautiful blond did not get one. The girl who said her dad would kick his ass did not get a rose. The plain girl and Paige did not get a rose. Paige is a jumbtron operator. I don't know what that means. She's forcing herself to cry. The mermaid hair did not get a rose. She says she's embarrassed for getting kicked off the first night. The Southern black girl did not get a rose.

He stands around with all the women and says they are about to embark on a crazy journey. Next, exciting highlights. Beaches, running, snuggling, underwater, making out, a semi famous person singing, the mountains, helicopter, mountain climbing, fairy tale, leaping into the water, waves, in a plane, kissing, more kissing, drama, secrets, she has a boyfriend, not here for the right reasons, fists, open mouth shock, she's not friendly with girls who like the boy she likes, and she will bite, roller derby, the paramedics, a neck brace, the girl with one arm, crying, top knots, hands over faces, tears, tears, tears from the guy, a giant watch, a tuxedo, dropping a rose in slow motion, a monkey on the beach, he knows who his wife is and he's meeting her on a pier surrounded by cacti. Hell yeah I'll tune in next time.