And God said, Let there be hot tubs and wedding crashers

And so there were.

God, in this case, is ABC and Jesus is Chris. Or Chris is Jesus. At least to all of these women, he appears to be. I hope this week, I am able to save this post so that you can get the minute by minute nonsense, even though I am again only half paying attention due to also taking an online writing class for the first hour. Jimmy Kimmel will be in this episode and the only reason I only kind of like him is because he dated Sarah Silverman.

Show starts with ominous music for no reason that I can discern except that JK is there to wake up a gaped mouth Chris, who sleeps on his side with his hand under his head like a little baby. I am again struck by the fact that he has a large body, possibly one which will run to fat if he eats too much corn.

Maybe JK is on the show to provide some actual humor which is largely non-existent most of the time, except for the 30 seconds of bloopers they sometimes show at the very end. I wonder how many of these women have no clue who JK is?

Kaitlin gets the first one on one date card. She's adorbs. She asks Chris if they are doing something with Jimmy. She wears a cut off half shirt and a flannel shirt. I think they are outside of a Target and doing JK's shopping for him. Kaitlin is tiny. Is that a sports bra? Who dresses these girls? You look away for one second and then the next thing you see is Kaitlin and Chris in a giant blue hamster ball being pushed by Mexican children. They kiss, still encased in blue plastic, foreshadowing for the condoms that will be used in this making of this show. They kiss again and her lipstick gets all over his mouth. A somewhat realistic moment. I feel like she's the kind of girl who might just fart really loud in  the middle of the conversation just to be funny.

JK shows up--have they finally realized that Host Chris (HC) is a super bore and has no personality to speak of. He asks Kaitlin is she likes beef and no one expands on that question. JK asks her if she has dated farmers before, and I think she's lying. They're grilling out. They must be editing out at least 85% of what JK is actually saying, especially when he mentions lubrication. She has a tattoo on her elbow. I'm dying to know what it is and hope it's not a cartoon character. She won't let him French kiss her--she does these small little guppy kisses. Luckily, she has brought her bikini, so that they can make out in the hot tub with JK looking on. More humor!

I am not paying much attention to the group date which lamely involves them doing supposedly farm-like things like shucking corn, cracking eggs and milking goats, showing their asses (not as in donkeys). One of the blondes wins. I guess that means she gets to ride a pony with him one-on-one. Mackenzie asks him why he's kissing everyone when they kissed and she is way too young to be on this show. She's probably not even out of college yet. The girls like to wear sparkles on their faces. They're all like fairy princesses.

Whitney gets the next one-on-one date. But there is one more rose that must be given out on this date. They all also have perfect dental work. PERFECT! He give the rose to...Becca, even though they haven't kissed and she's wearing a man's white shirt as a dress.

Whitney has a baby voice and she wears pink and he wears pink and she is super perky. He says what he wants in a woman and she then tells him that's exactly what she's like. She meets all these people in airports and becomes Facebook friends with them. She says that she wants to crash the wedding because YOLO. She would never never never normally do this. It's just to make good television. He high fives her. I am not feeling that he is really feeling her. Here's the basic problem with this idea--they can't actually crash the wedding without the cameras capturing them. He introduces her as his fiancé. He says he likes her because she can milk cow and hold conversations with random people. That does a wife make. And she's a good liar, I guess that's an attractive quality as well. Could it be that he really likes her? Even though she just broke someone's nose trying to catch the bouquet? They kiss on the dance floor.

The women are now being forced to attend a pool party and this girl decides now is the time to put on her sparkly headband and tell him about the suicide of her husband. One day, her whole life was literally turned upside down. So what happened was she had a baby and he couldn't deal with it. He came home and told her that he wrote a suicide note at work (meanwhile, we can still kind of hear the women frolicking in the pool in the background). He brought out a gun and she was really scared. She left, talked to him later that night, and then the next day, he killed himself. Is she using this story to get closer to Chris so he can't kick her off until the third to last episode? I'm sorry to be that cynical, but it does seem a little weird, as she is also wearing false eyelashes and things mean the world to her.

It's getting down to the wire at the pool party with all of the women vying for his attention, including the make up artist, Jade, who begs him to see his place. He takes her into it, while the rest of the girls eat hummus and chips. Jillian thinks she's being sneaky and smart by getting into his private hot tub. Little does she know that he will never show up because instead, he's going to go make out on the bed with this adorable girl and her dimples and high heels. Is this every man's fantasy or what? All of these women dying to get into bed with him. Cue the poon music. Cue the bubbles as Jillian waits alone in the Jacuzzi, probably getting a yeast infection.

The other girls eavesdrop from the foliage and he starts kissing Jillian or she starts kissing him or something. Mackenzie joins them wearing a sundress, as do two other women who are "shy." Can you be shy and also decide to go on a national reality TV show? Jillian possessively keeps her hand on his leg. The girl with the other headband runs away and drops her glass, mad that the other girls are being competitive.

Ashley I. with her black bikini and her belly ring. She's laughing and crying at the same time. I don't think that's attractive to rub her snot nose on his shoulder. She wants to kiss him and she pulls him toward her and they both tumble off the balcony. She says she feels so much better for making out with him by force even though she had cotton mouth.

Only ten minutes left for the final rose ceremony, which should really only take two minutes, but with dramatic pauses, it's usually a good half hour long. 

Oh, I get it. JK on this show is an extended commercial for his own show. Brilliant. He says, Whatever you do, don't be yourself. Hardee-har-har.

Some of these women had no time with Chris at all and so will likely be going home, and I hope one of them is the girl with the eyelashes (Ashley I) who says that she feels like a "nine in confidence level."

First rose goes to Jade who made out with him in his bed.

Second rose goes to Samantha.

Then Julie. I don't recognize either one of these two.

Mackenzie is staying. What?

Fifth rose to the cute short haired girl, then Brittany, then Megan who looks awkward in this black dress and high heels. Carly, who is she? What about the woman whose husband killed herself. Ashley S., the weirdo who didn't do anything this week. Nikki, who? Nikki and Ashley are identical twins. Jillian, from the hot tub. One rose left. Black girl will be going home, he's kept her on for the requisite two weeks so as not to look like a total racist. Ashley I. accepts the rose and I guess the suicide's wife did get a rose?

Tears, tears, and tears and why me's to follow. Next week, someone becomes addicted to heroin and another girl chips a tooth on a helicopter and five of them are decapitated in a car wreck. Stay tuned.