Monday, January 26, 2015

Bad Beach Dates and Bikinis

Missed the first fifteen minutes and can't really pay attention because of my class which is happening concurrently. That short-haired girl hates the outdoors--Kelsey. So what if she hates being outdoors? She even admitted that she is tired from trying to smile all the time and it's making her face hurt. I wouldn't want to be there either.  One girl is dressed as an American flag (she's also a virgin. A super patriotic virgin). All of the girls appear to be wearing tiny life buoys/microphones.

The girls are being interviewed by some blond women who may or may not be related to Chris. The one other blond girls says that she wants Chris to be like her grandpa. That quote is taken out of context, but still is weirdly put.

Other stuff happens and there are two virgins present, and one of them is the girl with the super fake long Bambi eyelashes who admits that she has never had a boyfriend. She sneaks into his tent to tell him that she's virgin and only does anal (I'm SORRY).  Except she doesn't actually use those words. She explains later that she snuck into his tent to make out wiht him to prove that she's wife material, not just someone who wants to hook up. Uh...

I keep thinking how rank his tent must smell--for some reason, he just strikes me as someone who has a lot of terrible gas. And yet Ashley I. pretends like it smells normal.  She says that he can probe into that area later if he wants to. Hubba-hubba. Who cares if she's a virgin or not? Who cares?

Jade gets to dress up like Cinderella as put together by a large woman with pink hair. She wears glass slippers that she gets to take home!!!  She's in a ballroom with Chris and they both are sweating like crazy  (The dark haired virgin is left back at the house, wearing her own princess dress and eating corn on the cob). Cue a symphony of violinists, candles, and a platform. I think I would quit the show right then if they made me dance on a dias in front of a bunch of talented musicians. I wish they would fall off.  OMG, There is super product placement in this--a huge screen TV plays the ball scene from the Cinderella movie. Worst moment in Bachelor history. Worst. So bad. He dips her and kisses her, smooshing his sweaty face onto hers.  Fairy tale, fairy tale, fairy tale, fairy tale. That's what they keep saying. The clock strikes midnight and she has to go. Please do not leave a shoe. Please, God, I will have to quit watching the show if she leaves a shoe. This is just fucking awful. A symbolic shoe is left behind. "Tonight was magical, and hopefully, Jade's and I's fairy tale becomes a reality," says Chris, staring down the stairs at her until the director yells, Cut! Come on, they can't do any better than that?

Oh, wait, I take that back. In this next scene, the women are made to wear identical wedding dresses and go through an obstacle course to get a rose. Who conceptualizes these challenges? Why don't they ask them to do things that you would really help you decide if this person you might want to continue dating, like have them take some kind of ethics test or put them on the show What Would You Do and see if they're racist or homophobic? Or make them take a test for STDs or ask for their high school transcripts. Or give them 48 hours to solve a murder investigation. At the very least, make the challenges more imaginative.

The winner, Jillian, gets to go out to dinner with Chris. He asks her what she wants to do in five years and she says she doesn't know and then launches into a long monologue about her athletic prowess and how she started competing as a wrestler. Jillian swears on the date and asks Chris if he would rather sleep with a homeless woman or abstain from sex for five years? It doesn't go over very well, but she thinks she's doing swimmingly. I wonder, do the interviewees interrupt the date to ask them how they think it's going? Or is this totally fake? He will not give her the rose because she's a little too masculine for him--or not feminine enough. She may ask him to arm wrestle. Instead, she starts crying. Just like a girl! I think she was being herself, but now she's pretending like she wasn't. It's fine if herself is athletic and energetic, right? She has to go home.

Cocktail party. The virgin is still wearing her princess dress and is bound and determined to tell Chris that she is a virgin. He is surprised and he says that it's great and she tells him not to think it's a big deal even though she has made a super huge deal about it. She has a potty mouth.  The instant she tells him, she decides she shouldn't have and has to be comforted by Mackenzie, the 21 year old.

I missed some big confrontation that the pretty sparkly girl (Britt) had with him, I think it was
something about him making out with everyone. He pretended to take it well and then stormed off and made an announcement about how they can all leave if they aren't their for the right reasons or if they are virgins.

Final rose ceremony.

First rose: Whitney. She looks like some kind of movie actress.
Second rose: Carly,
Third: Pam. All blonds so far.
Fourth: Samantha, brown hair.
Fifth: Mackenzie wearing a shirt with a belt.
Sixth: Kelsey, only girl brave enough to wear short hair.
7th: Becca: blond, cute, Barbie teeth.
8th: The virgin. That was a pity rose.
Final rose: goes to Brit, even though she told him some hard truths that I missed.

Going home: Crazy Ashley, some dark haired girl dressed in red and black like a pirate, this blond easethetican, whatever that is. She lost her father and doesn't know how to spell her name (Juelia). He takes a moment to tell her that she should go home to her daughter and not waster her time with him because he is totally not interested.  

Dan just said, I want to see Chris again in a pair of shorts. He thinks he has a funny build. That's the reason he gave me anyway.

No last words from Ashley?

Next week: parachutes, baby talk, orgasms, someone dressed like an ice skater, people starting to hate Kelsey, Kelsey collapsing near a water fountain and needing an epi pen while the other girls laugh from behind their hands.

OH! Ashley. I think she is a paid actress. Here is what she says, word for word: "I feel nothing. I'm actually not sad at all. I have no feelings. Like, honestly, I'm not worried about me at all." She hoots like an owl. "All I have to say to you is...Nothing." Perfection.

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