The wait is over!! We can begin to live again

OMG, everyone, I'm so excited to be about to begin this journey of clichés and roses. And guess what? This particular episode is three hours long. And I do not still know how to add images easily, so it will be all text. AND I am also multi-tasking because I signed up for an online writing class and it runs from 8 to 9, so I may not be able to comment on every single awkward yet not actually funny moment. I do like Chris though because he's from Iowa. Lots of male models originate in the Midwest, a little known fact that I just made up.

ABC is really raising the stakes this time. Having finally realized after 42 seasons of a show that draws millions of viewers but costs very little to make, they've decided to subject us to three hours of previews and flashbacks. They're accomplishing this by making Chris sift through 30 crazy women instead of 20 and eliminating however many.

QQ: If this is a live show, how is it that Chris the host already knows that this will the most exciting rose ceremony ever? Shot of Chris the bachelor standing in a field with his hands on his hips, sniffing a mint leaf as all good farmers do. Hey, he can drive a tractor and move corn seeds around with a shovel.

# of times journey has been said in the first 30 seconds: 2. I hope we find out that Chris has already been married a few times and has four DUIs, which is why he can only drive this motorcycle/penis extension he's currently leaning against.

Preview of the final rose ceremony suggests that someone shits her/himself.

I do not care at all about these live interviews with the former Bachelor contestants. This one girl said that they are in 80/40 agreement about when to have the wedding. That's 120 percent.
Whitley the fertility nurse, has a baby voice and ironically, helps people make real babies. I am saying nothing about her horsey overbite. This other woman has a tragedy to share--her fiance died of a heart attack out of nowhere. I hope she will wait to mention this until like the third group date, though she may want to mention it when she shakes his hand, so that she can play the sympathy card and get more time with him.

Who coined the phrase "Bachelor Nation" and what is it supposed to mean?

Every time we cut to the live action, they cue some kind of "whoooo" meter, a sound of chicks screeching.

Soulful interaction between Chris and Nicki, who dated Juan Pablo until she realized he was a jackass or, in her version, that they "were in different places" in their lives. See, I could've skipped this whole first hour and been none the wiser. The women won't be on parade until 9 p.m.

Chris is HOT, but I will get annoyed if he keeps talking about harvesting corn. There is no way he hasn't been told like a thousand times that he should be a model. There is no way that not every women in his little town wants to make out with him. Like, everyone. Even the postman.

First girl exits the limo and starts crying while she's hugging him. Here's that girl in the black dress who will be creeping around later and she has a Southern accent and has possibly had her overbite fixed. Next is adorable Kelsey with the dead fiance. She looks exactly like Catherine from that other Bachelor season or a modern day version of Daisy Buchanan.

Megan has too much hair and is nervous. Ashley says "hey" and is happy to be here and she's so glad it's him, just like the other three woman already said. She does get points for saying she's not going to say "I'll see you inside..."

Second limo: Trina says, "Hello, farmer Chris!" She's a special education major. Two hugs each. He can only go by their looks because they only talk for five seconds. Regan has brought her tissue donation cooler with a fake heart in it. That did not go over very well.

Tara says, "Yee haw!" She doesn't wear a ball gown; she wears  cowboy boots because she's a fishing enthusiast. My guess is that she will get shit-faced immediately. She changes her clothes but he won't recognize her. She sneaks out and goes back into the limo and comes out again. He says, "It's you again!" Points for Chris.

You guys, I can't take this. It's taking too long and it's painful the way they try to stand out. What would I do though? Write a poem? Tap dance? I don't know.

Here are some things that aren't working that well--that girl with the lucky penny that she put in his shoe, the one who wouldn't let him look at her, and the funny freaky girl who said he could plow her fields any day. But then she said something funny--she found a sparkle on his face and said, "All right, who is she?" I might like her, except she just told a really bad dirty joke where the punch line was "because I like a tight seal."

He's enamored with the free hugs woman who has mermaid hair. This one blond girl looks like she's just gone through shock treatment. Chris allows Chris to give a first impression rose to one of the fifteen gals who are already there.

In other news, Luke is upstairs stalling and chatting up his dad so he doesn't have to go to bed.

I missed who he gave the first impression rose to. The next limo arrives and Dan goes, "Another car full of sluts."

Samantha feels blessed to be here, and everything just got so intense. Everyone's hair is so long and flowy. Julia is an electrician. Dan thinks it's funny. Tandra arrives on a motorcycle. The women are staring at the arriving women creepily from the fake gates. The girl from Hamilton, NJ brings her own seat belt because she's a flight attendant. Jordan brings her own flask of whiskey and this ginger wears a pig nose because she says she wants to "ham it up with him." The woman from Florida wears a white spider dress and stripper heels. This other girl brings her own karaoke machine because she works on a cruise ship.

Guest blogger Dan: Another load of girls rolls in. They all look the same. The outfits are ridiculous and one girl just said "douche" for some reason. Most of the girls are named Meghan. Here are the two Chris'. One could use a nose job. The bachelor Chris just said that "there are so many amazing girls here". That implies that a small percentage of the girls are not amazing.

Kaitlin, whose middle name is most likely Meghan, is turning out to be amazing.  The girls are lining up to talk to Chris. They should take numbers like at a piggley-wiggley deli counter, just to be fair. Chris is incredibly anxious - but who gives a shit.

Back from a commercial, Chris states that he has had some great conversations. One was about becoming a cat lady. Aimee is back - Dan out!

I am not sure what is happening with this shock treatment girl who just pulled a pomegranate out of somewhere.

He is doing watercolors with this special education person.

A bunch of the women are drunk because they have been imbibing for the last eight hours. I like that fishing girl, because she goes, "I really like this kid!"

I do not admire the blond with the huge Bambi eyes.

Chris sits on the rose and then gives it to Brintley.  They kiss. Along with free hugs, she gives free kisses and possibly...

There is one almost black girl and twenty blonds and one girl who is maybe a size ten and so looks hugely obese by comparison.

They are going to stretch out the final rose ceremony for half an hour?? That's three commercial breaks and two recaps. An eternity. How does he remember their names? They are all doing these breathing exercises.  How many roses are there?  

One girl is so stressed out that her left eye went out of whack.

First rose goes to the funny girl who told the dirty jokes. Yay!!
Second rose goes to Jade who I don't remember. Daisy Buchanan needs to get a rose.
Samantha gets third rose. She might be native American or also from Jersey.
Fourth rose goes to Ashley something. She is so happy right now. He likes the dark haired girls.
Fifth rose goes to Pandora.
Sixth to Nikki who looks just like Ashley.
Kelsey/Daisy Buchanan.
Meghan. The red head almost faints.
Martha or Elsa, looks the same as the other three.
The black girl gets it because otherwise he's racist.
Julia. Blah.
Becca, very beautiful.
Ew, Trina?
Tara is acting like Amy Schumer and almost vomiting on the risers. She just yawned. I love it.

Chris leaves the stage for dramatic effect because he is feeling the pressure and because they need to take a commercial break.

Chris can't decide if he should pick Tara or not because she's a wreck. Go ahead, pick her. She's fun. She's way more fun that Whitley.

McKenzie who may or may not have a RAsta hair do gets the next one.
Someone else.
He picks Tara, despite her drunkenness.
Tree. Who trips on the way to accept the rose.
Jillian, the journalist in the red dress.
Whitley who delivers babies will accept this rose and his sperm.
Carly wants to thank the Lord Jesus for giving her this rose.
Final rose should go to the redhead but not the stripper from Florida. It goes to Ashley with the one eye out of whack. She's kooky.

The end. All the others must say their goodbyes, including the girl with the pig nose. She wishes him good luck. Bambi leaves to go back to teach ballet. Somehow, it's dawn when she's leaving. Have they been up all night? The soccer coach goes home because she is faking her Southern accent.  Another pretty girl goes home, a yoga instructor. That's it. What about the big girl in the red dress? The yoga instructor steals him back because there's another thirteen minutes and one commercial break left. Oh, wait, there is a sneak peek coming up. I will not be staying tuned.

Bye, ya' all. It's good to be back.


Padhraig said…
More guest blogger Dan please!