Please Get Rid of Westin Hotel

Last writing class tonight for awhile and the people in the class gave me a copy of John Cheever’s writings wrapped in an adorable piece of sheet music and a card. I know it was Halimah who did it. Isn’t that sweet? I said, Thank you, but I can’t go out for drinks with you like I promised because I have to get home at take off this bra and blog about The Bachelorette. I hope you all appreciate it. They were great, honestly.

Missed the first 25 minutes and had to do things like feed the kitties and feed the stray cats and put on my pjs and drink some water and put things away, etc. So, I’ll just recap quickly: Jillian has a date with Reid who sometimes needs glasses and sometimes doesn’t. They laugh and laugh because they don’t know how to speak any Spanish! Like, really? Neither one of you bothered to look up just a little Spanish so you can say “I’m fine” (Read instead said, “Yo soy grande” which translates to “I am big.” Maybe he was trying to hint that he’s well-endowed? Tricky!).

Jillian tells the camera that she wants Reid to say more than that he likes her a lot. Reid says to the camera, I like her a lot. I might like her a lot later, if we have a lot of laters or not, I don’t know. I guess we like each other and have a great time. Jillian says, I laugh so hard with Reid that I almost pee myself! She’s quite the little lady.

They have the clich├ęd dinner at a tiny table and are offered the overnight card in the fantasy (Disney?) suite. Jillian says it’s up to Reid and Reid is being an idiot. What she really wants is for him to say that he wants to stay overnight with her, but he’s not doing it. He didn’t take the bait. She keeps asking for more from him, and keeps going, Gee, that sucks that you’re making out with other guys. But hey, yeah, I like you, but I don’t know if you know how I’m feeling which is completely ambivalent because I’ve never had a serious relationship before in my entire life and I’m from Philly, you know, and a real estate agent, which I like, but I mean, which I like a lot, as a job, but I don’t know if I love it, you know? But I like it bunches.

Jillian gets to meet Ed who has to make up for lost time, and he’s not doing a very good job by showing up wearing motorcycle sunglasses. These dudes are all idiots. The sunglasses have mysteriously disappeared. Maybe the producers forced him to take them off. Ed also needs to learn how to be more articulate. Jillian says, I don’t know I would have had the balls to do what you did by leaving. (Again, quite the little lady). They’re in a horse drawn carriage and Ed’s hair is sticking up in the back. She makes out with everyone. That’s fine, I guess. She feels like she’s in a dream right now, a happy place, she says. He’s so huge next to her. I wonder if he’ll cry on this date as she has on the other dates she’s had. She asks Ed about her family and Ed says that everyone in his family is really cool. They are intertwining their fingers intensely. Ed says that if they had gone to meet him family, he would’ve taken her to kerioke. Fantastic! She has to stand on a box to kiss him. They have good chemistry, she says. She just loves being close to him and talking to him. The producers have forced them to go into a fountain and get really wet. I wonder if it’s strange for a guy to know that he may be being filmed getting a hard on?

Another advertisement for Vagisil. The Bachelorette, sponsored by something for your woo-woo. I guess they know their target audience well.

Now they are at another romantic dinner. Ed looks tired again and can’t stop drinking wine. He asks Jillian if she would relocate. She says that maybe they wouldnt have been so close to one another if they hadn’t been apart. Everything Ed says goes up at the end? Like it’s a question? I could see us together for a long, long time? Ed says that he would have also taken her to a Cubs game and purchased a hot dog for her. He says his mom wants a grandkid? Can Jillian reproduce? Ed adores kids, he definitely, absolutely could have kids within the next twenty years. I wish she would call one of the guys by the wrong name. I hope Ed’s not the guy would can’t get it up. Ed says he would love to spend the night with her. Jillian again refuses. What the hell. She is also super something about herself (couldn’t hear because I was chewing cereal). Jillian says she’s not ready for it. Ed is genuinely disappointed. He thought that maybe they should reproduce. She keeps bringing up that she’s upset that he left. Ed makes the case that he needs to spend more time with her. Go, Ed!!!! Change your mind, Jillian! She won’t. Ed is a little intense. I see him at work in khaki Dockers hunched over a computer. They are at least checking you the fantasy suite. It’s filled with strawberries and gigantic pillows—the bed could not be gigantic-er. Ed says that he really likes her. She asks him what he’s really worried about. He says, Getting a hard on in front of the cameras. Jillian is totally a tease. Oh, wow, okay, fine, she says that they can stay together if they sleep in their clothes. Whatever! Wish we could see what happens when the cameras leave. Why doesn’t someone say, I really have to go to the bathroom.

Date with douchebag, Wes. They go on a bike ride and Wes asks Jillian to observe how cute he is on a bike. He needs to shave that perpetual, Northern Exposure five o’clock shadow. And not pick his teeth when he’s talking about baring his soul to someone. He literally just stuck his finger in his mouth and pulled out a salsa chip. Jillian observes that when Wes is talking to her, his body language is saying that he has no real interest in her, like doesn’t want to touch her. Also, it’s nearly impossible to understand what he’s saying, “I just don’t know what I want with this big game and you know, you’re a filly and I’m a stallion and you know, I want to brand you.” Jillian asks Wes if he could ever see himself moving to Vancouver and he says that would be crazy. He changes the subject to say that there’s a bird missing a foot. Then he spills his beer. This is awkward. I like his Country Western shirt though. He thinks he’s cuter than he is. He will be kicked off the show.

Date night. We already know what’s going to happen because we’ve seen the previews a million times. Here he comes in another Western shirt. Okay, that’s overkill. He looks like he’s about to be taken off to a square dance. All Jillian can think to say is that she thinks Barcelona was a blast. Wes agrees and he says that he would also like to clear the table. Wes sniffs while she talks. He says, “I haven’t told any of those guys that I have a girlfriend.” She brings up that he will have a career to benefit from being on this show. He says that his manager was the one who suggested that he be on The Bachelorette. Hmm…I thought that last week, his entire fake family said that they nominated him. Liars, all of them, even the mom and stepmom. He explains that he isn’t there just to sell his great records, and that if he wanted to sell his wonderful records and his song, he would’ve left already, because he’s already done that by now. He says that he didn’t kiss her during the day because he was afraid that she would turn her head. Stupid. She’s crying again. She’s asking him how he feels. He says that he’s not here to hurt her, but numero uno is the most important. WHY would he say that? He admits that he spent six years with this person, Laurel. She broke up with him because of their differences (translation: because he told her that he was going to be on The Bachelorette). He says, Well, my girlfriend…Whoops! He doesn’t even try to defend himself. He picks up the date night card. Please tell me that he won’t get any publicity from this. Wes says that he thinks they should spend the night in the fantasy suite. Jillian says, No thanks. Jillian is embarrassed that she didn’t see that he has something to hide. She says that more than anything she feels sorry for him. I hope that when she sends him home, he breaks into song one last time.

Hey, guess what? I don’t care to see Wipe-out, Couples Edition. Or Dating in the Dark. Or Here Come the Newlyweds. Ever. Ernesto has just discovered catnip and passed out on the floor in bliss. As an aside, I found a copy of this vampire series but that one Stephanie woman. I started reading it last night and wondered if there was ever an editor involved, because it doesn’t seem like it.

Why are we even having this Final Rose Ceremony? I wish I would’ve seen what her date was like with Kiptyn. I like Reid the best, but he’s not ready. Ed would be the solid choice even with his evident insomnia.

First rose: Ed. Ed is wearing a green tie. He’s quite tall. She may like Ed best or she may think that he’s too nice. Get on with it! For God’s sake.

Second rose: Reid. He is adorable. Wes says, Congratulations, bro, to Kiptyn. Because he knows it’s not him.

Third rose: Kiptyn. Yes, finally. Wes is wearing another in an endless series of cowboy shirts.

Going home: Wes. I am typing this even before the rose ceremony has begun. When she tells him to go, he will say, Best of luck, darling Wes says that if he gets kicked off, he will be back at home having lots of sex. All of the other guys stare at the ground. What a fucker. He thinks that his show will not only get him a record deal but also tons of poon-tang. He might be right.

Now I’m back to real time to see if Wes calls her darling. She asks him if she can walk him out. He rejects her kind of by saying goodbye to the guys as well as “Enjoy, enjoy!” Bastard. They are still holding hands. She now knows that she made the right decision. He can’t even look her in the eye. He says, You take care sweetie. (Darn, not darlin’). The bad boy is definitely gone. He blows her a kiss. She shot me down. First guy ever on The Bachleorette to make it to the gop four with a girlfriend. He admits it. He says, My acting days are over. This is just another bump. Going back home because he wants to see his dog and his band. And tonight, he is in Spain and he’s going to go out tonight and get laid in Spain and everybody’s going to know my name (he sings, finally). Maybe he’ll get run over by a bull.

Next week previews: (can you believe I typed this much from only watching one hour? Imagine what it would be like if I saw the whole two hours). They are going to Hawaii. She jumps in the water with someone. She goes on some rocks with someone. She stands on a mountain with someone. A bridge. A leap of faith. A meadow. A sailboat. Many strawberries are being eaten. Stop talking about missing the hometown date with Ed. She will get her heart broken somehow. I wonder if the producers hated Wes as much as we all do?


Anonymous said…
Your assessment of the only hour of tonight's show is fucking hilarious! Yes...Wes was a douchebag. Asta la vista motherfucker...go give some other girl in Spain an STD.