Monday, March 7, 2016

Wherein we re-meet-eth the women we barely remember (even though they were on the show, like, 2 weeks ago)

This is the women tell all show before the big hot dog finale. It's also the cheapest way for CBS or whatever station to get prime time viewers without actually filming new content (it's 70% recaps that we've already seen. And at times, it's recaps of recaps, which are called doublecaps aka DULL).


It's called The Women Tell All, but it should be called The Women Offer No Insights & Fight for Air Time.  Please stop calling viewers Bachelor Nation. I hate it. I hate it too because there is now something called Tr*** Nation (I don't use his name because why give him any more attention? It feeds the fascist fire).

Here is the part where Ben shows up at your Bachelor parties like a creeper and the women wet themselves. Maybe he'll fall in love with a mom at one of the parties.  He is handing out roses and eating a piece of cake with the hosts face on it. How do they find these mobs of people and why are they all wearing footie p.j.s?

All of the ladies have had their hair professionally done and slutted up and cleavage is a requirement. As is a chicken and tons of facial foundation. Please stop waving with both hands. I don't remember a third of the women because they only lasted two shows. Caila is wearing a black pantsuit and Olivia-z is wearing a white jumpsuit. I don't care if Anthropologie offers a two for one deal on jumpsuits, you will never voluntarily find me in one (here is where I imagine what scenario exactly would find me in a pantsuit, and I think it would have to be as an extra in a prison movie being filmed in Princeton and starring Mark Ruffalo. Then, maybe).



The women pile on Olivia and Jubilee and Leah and anyone who acted like the show is a competition for one man's attention, even though that's exactly what it is. Race is addressed only is so far as the women of color are being made to apologize to one another. I wish she would be the next Bachelorette but she is too black for it, according to CBSNBCABC. Recaps of Jubilee trying to confront Ben with the fact that she's too black for him. She says, "I feel like the most unlovable person in the world right now." No one addresses that this might be because she is the only black girl on the show who made it past the first three episodes.

Liz is here now and it's a joyous reunion.


Me, Liz and Cousin ITT.
They are going over Lace's interactions. I think she is very beautiful. The cameraman shows that he has a tattoo of Lace on his side. That can't be real. It's a poorly done tattoo, much like the tear drop that prisoners draw on their faces with sharpened quills dipped in blood.

Olivia recap now. Remember" she got the first impression rose and then the most sexual vibe rose and and then the date rose and then the huge mouth rose and then the crying twin rose. They remind us that he went off to the rock cliff, holding a rose and then leaving her there like an abandoned child.  Olivia compares herself to Jubilee in that she's different than the other girls. Chris asks her if she feels like she was in the wrong but also that she was done wrong. She apologizes to Amanda for the teen mom comment. Teen mom goes "being a mom is my jam."  The twins attack and then some other blonds jump in to get air time. I'm only half paying attention because my friend is here. Anyway, there is nothing to say. What's the suspense? If they will get asked to be on The Bachelor in Paradise summer show? Olivia recalls her time being bullied in elementary school. Severally bullied. The women called b.s. Olivia explains that she is an introvert even though she's a public figure. She says how we all really judge and she apologizes for her insensitivity. She says how there';s not a guide book for how to behave on this show and if there was one, she would have read it.

Caila is in the hot seat next. Dan wants to know what size rollers she wears to get ringlets the size of sausages. Ben called her a sex panda. She says that she feels like she loves him and that she's going to hurt him. Fireworks, bikinis, and smiles. Liz says that she cries in the most pretty way. I like that she doesn't wipe away one single tear at a time, but lets them flow. Liz says that she can totally tell what Ciala looked like as a baby. Exactly like she does right now. Chris Harrison says, "I can see from the expression on your face that you're upset." As opposed to being able to tell from her armpit?


Ben is now in the hot seat. What does that even mean "the hot seat?" Liz says that JoJo is trifling. We don't like any of the two remaining contestants. Chris asks Ben to tell Caila what happened. He says that he appreciates her and that they had great conversations. Caila says he always made her feel comfortable but she wants to know if her confusion made him confused. He says, "It was clear that we knew what each other was saying but we didn't understand one another."  Becca thanks Ben for letting her know that there are guys out there just like him who are nice and boring and into the Boy Scouts. Chris asks Ben if he can tell the twins apart and he correctly picks them, based on the fact that the extrovert is showing her tits the most.

Scenes where we see who Ben will choose because he loves them both and he is confused about what to do. Gasps from the audience. Open mouth stares. The twins are excited! I have never been in love with two men, so I can't relate. I mean, I'm sure it happens, especially when you're on TV. One more week...

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