15 Hot Ladies: One Daddy...Who Will Get His Tongue Down Her Throat?

I cannot believe this next episode is also two hours long. How are we to endure it? If you were to edit out all the recaps and the previews, I swear the show would go no longer than 15 minutes, including commercial breaks. This must be a huge money maker for whatever station it's on (I refuse to be their monkey and endorse the BBC).

Opening shots: Jason in the shower, Jason jogging with his shirt off, Jason shucking corn in a thong, Jason doing a topless samba. Recaps of all the women he met and all the crazy weird stuff they did like making hot dogs! Jason keeps talking about how awesome it is to be surrounded by all these beautiful, amazing, single (and widowed) women with or without children, but all wanting a piece of his Ty. His son's name is "Ty" in case you have forgotten. TY! Or possibly it's "Tie." He's not yet spelled it out, so I'm not sure.

15 women left...I guess that means that he will have two giganto dates and maybe one or two one-on-one dates. Psychic prediction about how many women he will kiss on this particular show: Two. Number of scenes with the women in bikinis trying to rub lotion on him: Two. Number of times Jason says amazing: 14.

Scene of Jason zipping up his son Ty's suitcase. Ty's his buddy. Ty is his best friend in the world (really?). But he has to let Ty go home because Ty needs to spend time with his mother, also named Ty. And maybe one of these women will be special enough for Jason to bring his son, Ty, into their and Ty's life.

BBC does love to keep these women liquored up. It's 8 a.m. and they're all drinking straight Scotch. That makes for better television. And the host, Chris Harrison says, "I hope to see all of you women at the rose ceremony." (Why wouldn't he? Is someone going to die?). I also love how they pretend that Jason gets to come up with the dates himself. Yeah, he'll plan the three hour ride to the coast in a jet and a helicopter so they can surf.

Jason just said "anyways." A pet peeve of mine. He's now topless. The women are drooling. He does have a hot body, but it makes me wonder how he spends his time--he has to spend at least 3 hours a day working out. What is Ty doing while daddy's working out, huh? Huh, Jason?

Chicken fight! They're all in the pool in their bikinis. Now Shannon is having the time of her life putting lotion on Jason's broad and handsome and manly, husband-y back. She's telling him that she's truly ready to be a mother and how all of her friends are pregnant and she wants to be a mommy! Please!! She almost starts crying. He says, It'll be fine. Just continue to be your goofy self...Oh, whoops, that didn't go over too well.

Jason must give out a single rose to the girl he most wants to spend one-on-one time with. What are they supposed to do now? It's not like they have any games planned. He's talking to the elementary school teacher and they're holding hands. She asks him if he remembers the conversation they had. He said she quizzed him about poly sci. That's sort of true--the three branches of the government. Another girl is now talking about how she worked with orphans and how it was life-changing. For the orphans, she adds. Shannon is throwing ice cubes at them. Stupid. Now he's talking to some blond. Stephanie, the widow, is making blender drinks to give to Jason and herself. She's standing there and he's not noticing or stopping the boring conversation about this girl's nieces and nephews. Awkward. These girls are boring. Okay, so he's picking up the rose and he's going to give it to...I bet it's Megan. Wrong...He's giving it to Julianne who made him the hot dogs. Oh, I just started not liking Lauren because she said how she is competitive and likes to win and that's why she's always in pageants.

The date with Julianne...They get into a black limo and are headed somewhere out in L.A. Oh, crap, they're going to Disney Hall. SO GROSS! Are they going to dance with Mickey Mouse? Total product placement. What the hell is Disney Hall? Oh, no, double whammy, he just said how magical it is. She has to keep exclaiming that it's beautiful and awesome. He's stuffing a strawberry into her mouth and pouring champagne down her throat. (Aside: she is really working this hot dog story). The biggest surprise of the night is a private performance by Robin Dick. Who? Was he a contestant on American Idol, season 3? Who in the world is Robin Dick and how stupid does he feel performing for two people? I would hate this if I were her. I would be so self-conscious. They're dancing and he sucks as a dancer. He's practically standing on her feet. He just kissed her, right in front of Robin Dick. What would be awesome is if she were just totally into the singer and started ignoring Jason and batting her eyes at RD. I wonder when he'll put his thumb on her chin like he did with Deeyawna every time they made out? Oh, my God, he dipped her and then hugged her. It just seems so fake and forced.

Julianne returns from her date and starts telling them how great the date went and admitting that they kissed. (These girls cannot stop putting their hair into ponytails). Melissa is the next person going on a date and she's really nervous that she won't be herself or get to make out with him. He tells the viewing audience that he likes Melissa because she's fun and beautiful, but he wants to know if she will ever settle down and take total care of his son, Ty. He's making up an oyster for her and she first pretends to like it, but then admits that she hates it. Points for her. Now she admits that she wants to be a first grade teacher and in the summers, she wants to play with her own kids. She can't stop saying "Absolutely" to everything. They're on a beach and I bet anything she wishes that her hair wasn't blowing all over the place. Oh, first thumb on the chin kiss from Jason. Second girl to make out with Jason. Now they're going into a gigantic blimp for a ride. "Going straight to the moon!" he says. He has his arms around her, just like he did the other girl. He's giving her a rose. Will she accept this rose? What does she say? "Absolutely." More slow kissing with his thumb right on her entire cheek. I wonder if he's any good in bed? Or if he's like, too nice? (Clearly, this comment reveals more about me than anyone else).

Today is the first group date. Jason says today will be an "amazing" day fulll of surprises. The girls get to go shopping and pick out anything they want. Hey, okay, I like that. But what if they don't have the right undergarments, like if their bra straps are showing. More drinking. Second or third time that they're all in their bikinis? Oh, dear, he's doing a talent show. He's doing this fake break dancing horrible thing. Three girls do a synchronized swimming routine and then Molly steals him away to sit on this odd dais thing. He asks her what her talent is and she says, I'm a good kisser. Smooth! They kiss. He seriously just jammed his thumb into her chin.

Okay, weird. Nikki is admitting to the camera that she has only kissed one other person in her life. But she has had sex with five guys. Her seventeen year old ex boyfriend. Is she Christian? What is going on? She's strange. She's too intense.

Naomi has decided that she needs alone time with him. So she snuggles up with him under a faux bear skin rug in front of a faux fireplace. He kisses her too. Like a friend. She says, Can friends kiss? Another good move! I might do okay on this show for a little while. Surrounding the flirtateouness, at least. Omigod, I totally underestimated the number of girls he was going to kiss. He has now made out with four different women.

Raquel gets into the limo because she knows that she won't have other one on one time with him. Way to go. She makes it weird though by saying, Have you had enough of me? She's definitely going home. She I guess just didn't plan it well enough. She basically said that she would stay as long as he would have her and never go home until he told her to and then even at that point, she probably won't go home right away but will just fly to Seattle to hang out with Ty until he finishes up the show and realizes that she's the love of his life!!! Okay?

The rose ceremony is officially 45 long minutes away. He's having one on one time with Erika. In case you've forgotten, Erica is the obnoxious brassy girl who almost got voted off by the other girls. He says that he noticed that Erica pulled away from him toward the end of the huge group date. Erica says, Yes, you're right. What she really means is that she had too much boxed wine to drink and so was close to passing out. Now the elementary school teacher is saying how she feels like it's not a two way street and he's not sending the right vibe (this is also the beauty pageant girl). And next, Shannon is being goofy again. She's telling him that he's so so so cute. He's not sure how he feels about the fact that she knows so much about him, for instance, the date of his son's birthday. Now Stephanie is making everyone bummed out by telling the story of how her husband died for the third time. The other girls are pretending to cry. She talks alone with Jason and manages not to bring up her dead husband. Or rather, her arched eyebrows talk to him.

Who is this girl? Oh, Lisa. She's going home. Good for her!!!! This has never happened before. No girls ever leave. But her grandma is sick. This would not have phased most of the, such as the widow, whose has just explained that her daughter's birthday is tomorrow. The other girls are trying to control themselves from screaming with joy. One less person competing for a rose!!

Megan takes her turn to be one on one with him. She's wearing a side ponytail. She's trying to tell him about what her life was like but she gets interrupted by one of the girls who already has a rose. Everyone is now talking about how lame it is that Molly did that, especially Erica and then, omigod, get this, Erica tells Molly the opposite. And now she and Megan are fighting and Erica looks like a crazy drunk person.

Final rose ceremony...Okay, I guess I'm going to predict that Raquel and Erica are going home. Raquel because she just showed up in the limo and Erica because she's so mannish and plus, I just don't like her. Probably the BBC will force Jason to keep her for the drama factor. I hope Joan Collins/Megan stays for one more week at least. Chris Harrison is talking about how catty the girls are getting. Jason admits that tonight is getting tougher. It was really hard for him to say good-bye to Lisa since he never really got a chance to talk to her at all and had no serious interest in her, but still. We have to now watch a play by play of the night. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. At least Jason manages to call them "women" rather than "girls" occasionally. Maybe I should drink while watching this show. Or maybe I should try to write about this and another show at the same time, such as Bromance, the newest dumb show from MTV; the guy version of Paris Hilton's, My Best Human Prop Ever. What are these guys being judged on? How dude-ish they can be? Who is this prick anyway? Or "anyways," as Jason would say.

First rose goes to: Eyebrows? No, Megan! Joan Collins gets to stay another week.

2nd: Nikki. When he was talking about her excellent assets, the camera paused on her boobs. I swear to God.

3rd: Lauren. The beauty queen who needs lots of attention.

4th: HURRY UP! They pause for like ten seconds between each. Naomi. Because she kissed him? He's kind of cute. They all say absolutely. Did I mention that before.

5th: How much can I type before he chooses--okay, Stephanie and her eyebrows.

6th: Kerri. She's cute, but I don't remember her even a little bit. She almost just fell down.

7th: Natalie. She's all right. Won't last.

8th: Raquel looks as if she's made of wax. She might throw up. Shannon, the psycho. Why is he keeping her?

FINAL ROSE goes to...: It's going to be....Uh, probably Erica because of the BBC's need for continued theater. I am right. She puts his hand on her boob so that he can feel how much her heart is beating.

Tragically going home: Raquel and that high strung looking girl, Sharon. She's going to be pretty poised about it. She quit her job to come on the show. She's now wandering around the garden. Raquel will be back at his house. She is saying that she had faith it would work out, but she was wrong because she went into his limo. She says, I don't know why it didn't work out. I weally don't know. She weally said "weally."

Next week: Someone does a cartwheel. Slow motion with Stephanie doing a serious collide with her daughter, knocking out her front baby teeth. I'm not kidding.


pamma la said…
wow, i have and will never) watch the bachelor but I enjoyed the hell out of that!
I am curious to see the thumb to chin kiss move though...I may have to youtube a little to see if I can catch that.
That was weally awesome.
Aimee said…
You're smart not to waste your time. I can feel myself becoming dumber as I watch...