My Life as a Reality Show

Speaking of reality shows, the one that comes on after The Bachelor is this reality show where the contestants all believe they are being judged by their outer beauty, but it turns out that they win or lose based on their behavior or inner beauty. From what little I've glimpsed so far, none will take the prize, as they all seem superficial and stupid.
But the premise reminded me of how I feel most of the time; as if I were being filmed by some unseen camera and subsequently judged and evaluated by my actions. For instance, I have this thing where I'll go into a clothing store, and if I see a shirt that's half off the hanger, I fix it. Part of me just doesn't like it hanging there, but the other part wonders if maybe one of the sales clerks will notice and think I'm super nice and offer me a job. I really think this. I mean, it's not that I believe this will happen. I know it won't, but I often stand outside of myself and wonder how others view my actions. I think this comes in part from a phenomenon known as "church." After years and years of being told that you're being watched by Jesus, God, St. Francis of Assisi (I hope so! I love animals!) and various and sundry guardian angels and heaven gatekeepers, it's hard to shake the sense that your every action has some kind of cosmic measure. But that doesn't mean I make the "right" or ethical choice because I'm inherently good; I sometimes make it because of this desire for approval or to be seen as nice or good.

They had one scene from the show last night where the contestants were left alone in a room with a book that contained all of their private scores. So, the person left in the room had the opportunity to peek inside the book (I guess maybe they were told not to do this), not knowing that there was a hidden camera. I would probably have looked.


heather said…
i guess the important thing is whether performing those little seen or unseen good deeds makes you feel good... gives you pride or not...? value in that...