Falling Down on the Job, Brought to You by Comcast

Who knows what's going on. I missed the last two episodes and the first hour and fifteen minutes of The Bachelorette. Jillian is grilling some blond guy on his ex-girlfriend, if she is his ex. He's sweating because he's lying on national television and the non-ex girlfriend will likely be calling the program very soon (meanwhile, i just watched Emma Carol kill and eat a fly. Good girl). Jillian is confessing that she grew up alone and always wanted fifteen kids and now she only wants 14 kids or so. What state are they in? Alaska? Why are they dressed in parkas in front of a fake outdoor fire? Oh, okay, it's British Columbia. Is that near Alaska?

Jillian is telling the guy that she would totally run away and live wherever the guy she likes lives and open up whatever bar he might want to open and give him babies and also be on a radio program, if that's what the man wants. Meanwhile, she's being described as independent. Unfortunately, I don't know who any of these guys are. Ed looks like a younger, more frazzled version of Robert Downey, Jr. circa that one film where he o.d.s in the back of a car. Poor Ed. He needs to get about 48 hours of sleep. Jillian strips and gets into the hot tub with more steam than you'll see in any place. The camera is fogging over from the steam. She appears to be giving him a hand job under water. Too cloudy to tell. Maybe he should try sitting up since his head is nearly half-submerged in the water. He can barely talk because water keeps getting into his mouth. I wish she would quit wiping boogers out of her nose. She's giving him the rose even though they haven't kissed. She would love for him to accept this rose. Just kiss already. A short peck on the mouth, into a larger kiss. Jessie or whatever his name is says that he's "gleaming" right now. Don't know what that means.

Ed now must tell Jillian that he has to leave, maybe because he has a girlfriend too. We know from the previews that it ends in tears. Who cares if Ed goes home? He doesn't have any clue how to wear a button up shirt under a sweater. She acts the same with every guy, like she totally loves him. Ed tells her that he has to leave because he has to go back to work. Huh? Did he not tell his work that he was going to be on a television show? Has he been calling in sick? Why would he take the rose then? She's crying and saying that it sucks but she's glad he's leaving and letting her down as opposed to the 6 or 7 people at work who have to take up the slack for him. She gives him an awkward hug and then blows her nose on his shirt. Ed says that he wants to keep the rose just because he...uh...he has to give it to his wife. Jillian asks him to promise her that when he does find someone he's crazy about that he shouldn't let work get in the way. By the by, they are sitting on the most gigantest sectional sofa I have ever seen. It has about twenty five sections on it. A caravan of people could relax on it.

She feels rejected because she's not sure if he's leaving for real because of work or because he's not into her. Get it together, Jillian. You've known this guy for three weeks and only in group settings. She worries that his leaving will cause a chain reaction where all the other guys will leave too. Ed claims that he absolutely could see himself falling in love with her and marrying her, but he has to check himself into rehab for his crack addiction which could inevitably lead him to od in the back of a convertible driven by Andrew McCarthy.

Hey, guess what reality show I can comfortably die without seeing? I Survived a Japanese Game Show.

They have made Jillian up into someone who looks like a drag queen--way too much make-up. Jillian really just can't stop crying about Ed. Still don't know why. She was just really attracted to him and his hang-dog, I-haven't-slept-since-I-called-in-sick-to-work-3-weeks-ago look about him. Chris is asked Jillian how she feels and why she's so upset and if she still thinks that some of the guys have girlfriends. She says she wishes Tanner would've focused on the relationship and not on gossip. She says that she thinks Jake is perfect, but she's not perfect. Mark doesn't like her enough. Robbie, she says, she feels like she knows him really well. And Wes, the hick country singer, is somebody who has been really open and she feels like she knows him so well and he makes her happy, except when he's crooning. She's not sure about Kiptyn (?) and Tyler too. Only one person will be going home. Wow, that sucks for the one guy. Jillian knows what she wants to do and doesn't want to worry about the stupid cocktail party.

God, this is long and I've only been watching it for a little more than half an hour. Okay, here are two other shows i never need to watch, Here Come the Newlyweds and Marry Me. True confession: I just ate a quarter of my body weight in Acme sharp cheddar cheese.

And now, the rose ceremony, where one single loser will be asked to go home. Jillian is telling them that she had such an incredible week with youse guys. This whole week has been such a great incredible and remarkable experience and so let's just get started.

First rose: Jesus, hurry up. Reeve. Frat boy. I guess he's cute and at least he's not wearing five tons of hair mousse.
Second rose: Kiptyn. Dumbest name ever. I guess I like him anyway. He kisses her loudly on the cheek.
Third rose: One guy smiles weakly. Robbie will absolutely accept this rose.
Fourth rose: Jake. The guy who smiled weakly. He'll go home next week.
Fifth rose: Don't high five, please. Don't give each other "knucks." Have some dignity. Tanner of the scary psycho eyes will accept this rose. Wes is really sweating it. He feels a song coming on.
Final rose: It'll be Wes. Not this other dude who we've never seen before. Yes, it's Wes and Tanner wants to beat the shit out of him. He is kind of sexy. He tells her that he's sorry about Ed. He's a playah.
Going home: Mark. Sorry about that, Mark. We didn't even really know you were on the show, to be honest. Absolutely. He tells her to visit any time she's in Denver. This whole situation has made him feel very stronger about his barrier situation. He's been cheated on 4 times. She absolutely has the kind of personality he truly loves, but he can't get past his own barriers. Yes, he did say barriers and situation twice in fourteen seconds. She is just happy that they're around.

Next week: A romantic journey across the rockies on a train. Tanner gets drunk and shows his underwear. Wes says he hopes this whole thing will give him publicity. Wow, that is horrible. One guy can't get it up on national television. Humiliating!! Are they really going to go there? It appears so.