The Bachlorette, Or Jillian is a Total Fool

How is it that everyone in the world except for Jillian knows that Wes the Cowboy Junction has a girlfriend? And why is everyone crying on this show? He is a liar and a cheat and will never have a number one CD. Could someone please bust him somehow in a real way? Like, can’t Jillian make a phone call? Can’t the producers do some sleuthing? It’s their job, isn’t it, to pick single guys as opposed to men who are otherwise engaged? Also, why are there more commercials in this show than the actual show? Fifteen so far in this ten minute break. I’ve been offered insurance, Nativa (?), previews for Who Wants to Be a Tax Break? Among many others.

Just as an aside, watched Agatha Christie’s Poirot on PBS last night and now crave a waxed moustache. I was glad to learn that it wasn’t easy to determine the murderer. There were many twists and turns (and not just of the French detective’s stache).

I have missed the first hour or so because of my writing class, so I’m not sure what transpired, and of course, missed last week because of Boston. Here’s what I gather so far: Wes is a slimeball and Jillian does not seem to have the wherewithal to accept it or anything, for that matter, without having tears spill out of her wide, limpid eyes. I guess Jake (who came back to tell J the truth) was kicked off previously, perhaps because of his penchant for oxford shirts buttoned up to the very top of his neck and tucked into his jeans.

J: “Honestly, I don’t know what to believe right now. Do I trust the straight-laced Jake or the Texan bad boy?” Did she even hear the question she just asked? Omigod, if she lets him kiss her, I will scream. She is cute, why are these guys being so weird? Jillian, crying, says that she really wants to still meet his family, even though he’s a liar and can’t stop saying how much he doesn’t have a girlfriend except for this one girl Laurel from two weeks ago. She’s buying it. She’s totally buying it. She is a sucker. He is not that hot.

J: “I don’t know if I’m in la-la land right now or if I just can’t see what’s really going on.” Answer: La La Land. Wouldn’t the family wonder what was going on and wouldn’t the family tell him if he had a girlfriend? They are all lying to her too. “Guys are always going to be jealous of you because of all that you have going for him and stuff,” says lying sister. Is Jillian holding the hands of the mom? Mom is now lying, or maybe it’s stepmom. She is so relieved that the whole family is lying to her and she doesn’t even notice that he’s handing them fifty dollar bills under the table with the spurs on his fake Texan cowboy boots. Jillian makes a toast and we all stare mesmerized by his silver necklace.

Wes: “Jillian likes me and that’s what really matters. I will get my singin’ contract after all, bitches.”

Fifty more commercials.

Fake surprise as Ed shows up and asks for another shot. Jillian crying again. It looks like he has at least gotten some rest, no more circles under his eyes. Nice argyle sweater dude. Jillian doesn’t know what to do. She has all these concerns that are going through her head and she does want him to go to the rose ceremony. He touches her hair in that way that all men should do if they want a woman to give them a rose. They kiss on the mouth. Can’t she just let him back onto the show? Oh, no, she can only bring four guys home and now she has to let go of 2 instead of 1 (since 6 are left now). I didn’t realize that math would be involved in this show.

50 more ads. I mean, how much can it cost to produce this show if they have to offer 25 minutes of commercials? I just ate an entire bowl of Corn Pops and the show still isn’t on. Offered: iced team, trip to the aquarium, trip to a restaurant, ad for a stupid reality show, ad for detergent, ad for skin crème sponsored by an ageless Brooke Shields, ad for Vagasil. Makes me feel itchy even thinking about it.

Jillian arrives wearing a floor length strapless ball gown, looking exactly like Belle in the movie, Beauty and the Beast. Chris Harrison asks Jillian (or J as Wes calls her) how she felt about seeing Ed and she says she almost puked all over herself. Chris emphasizes that she won’t get to meet Ed’s family, to see if they get any more sleep than he does. Chris knows how tough this decision is going to be. She feels like she fit into every single family. Chris brings up the date with Wes and then we have to relive the entire thing for four excruciating minutes. We saw this already. Why do we have to get the recap? There must have been like zero going on during the actual dates. Jillian must look at all of the pictures and decide which two to send home. She’s totally struggling with what her decision is going to be and if she should take vocal lessons to get rid of her accent.

Ad for mascara including collagen for breathtaking volume (like, how fat do you want your eyelashes to be?), fast food restaurant with disgusting close ups of the food, cell phone service sold by another movie star, car, Johnny Depp movie making a killing machine character look like a sex symbol, something to do with dogs and square dancing, laundry, cheap chain store, another TV preview, and another reality TV preview including a preview. Omigod, it’s 5 minutes of ads, I’m not even kidding. I looked at the clock. 5 minutes. JHC. Oh, wait, one more. Ad for weather.

Rose ceremony. Who will go home with a softened penis? Which of the 500 products advertised during this show can remedy this problem? Hint: It’s not Vagasil.

They reveal that Ed is back in the running. Ed suddenly looks like he has a fat head. Maybe he’s been using the lash fattening mascara? Wes would like ta kick the g-damn sheet outta Ed. They have Jillian enter to harp music. Shot of the men looking at her as if she is a goddess, except for Wes who gives her a shit-eating side grin. KICK HIM OFF! She won’t. The show won’t let her. He Wes, try shaving.

First rose goes to: Reed and his fake glasses. He’s my man.

Second rose: Kiptyn. His forehead could not be shinier at this moment.

Third rose: Pick Ed, but she won’t until it is the last rose. One guy is psyching himself out. Oh, wow, she picked Ed. Please, please, please, please send Wes home.

Fourth rose: blond guy would like to cry. He looks like a swimmer. FUCK. She picked Wes. She is sending home the other two guys. Don’t know who they are. I HATE Wes.

Going home: Blond swimmer guy and some other guy who has stubble. Too bad about short swimmer dude. And about tall guy in a vest who gives her a long hug but says he feels like shit right now, this sucks. He was very surprised to see Ed and he believes Wes is there for the wrong reasons. Aw, crap, they make him take a taxi home instead of a limo. Blond guy Michael says that for a girl who just dumped him and just broke his heart, he could not say a bad thing about her. There are just a 100,000 small things that he just loved about this girl. He says, Oh, man, I straight up loved that girl, didn’t I? He is so so so so so so so cute. If he could tell her three things, first, e would tell her she’s beautiful and will always be beautiful. Second thing, I am going to miss you. And the third thing is, Be happy. God, I hope he is the next Bachelor.

Previews: One woman, four handsome men. She has to pick the blond guy with the glasses, Reed. He is the cutest. And Ed needs to make up for lost time. Jillian says that she’s not sure she would have the balls enough to do what he did. Classy, Jillian.

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