Home fry dates

I missed the first home town date because I was eating a piece of chicken. I did see JoJo and the first guy kissing each other for three minutes as they said goodbye, and he said something like, "If feels so real."

Next date is with Jordan, the former football star, who takes her back to his high school to show her the pictures of himself playing football prior to receiving 25 concussions. JoJo painfully points out photos of his more famous football brother and Jordan high tails it out of there to take her to the bleachers. We meet Jordan's dad and his old mom, Darla, and his one brother and his brother's girlfriend, Lyndsey, who had her hair done special. Dan goes, Ohhh, she's prettier than the Bachelorette. The mom is extraordinarily beautiful, looks kind of like Blythe Danner (Gwyenth Paltrow's mom). Dad looks like a high school football coach who has been retired for 25 years. Brother is an older, more bearded version of Jordan, with very special hair.I think they might love Jesus. Wait, no the dad has a giant face, not unlike Herman Munster, but in a nice
way. I mean, he seems like a nice guy. But then again, so did Herman Munster. JoJo, that's what you would have to look forward to. Mom is so excited for her son that she gives him a close girlfriend hug as if the two of them are dating. Lyndsey is going to be so mad because she go zero camera time and she spent so much time on her hair. It's not right! Jordan gains vocabulary points for correctly using the word "exponentially" in a sentence. 

We are whipping through these dates. Next up, Robby, who teaches JoJo to whistle, so that she can call a horse and carriage. I missed where they are. Somewhere in the South? I see palm trees.

Robby looks very 1980s in an open pink oxford over a white T-shirt and light blue jeans. Very villain in a John Hughes movie-esque way and he uses the phrase awesome quite a lot. Like, it's like, totally awesome.

He reassures JoJo that he's totally over the girl he broke up with just four months ago. Actually, the time line would have to be that he broke up with this person and then the next day, applied to be on The Bachelorette. So, yeah, he gave it a day. All of Robby's family screams when they walk in. Everyone showed up to be on TV. How many siblings does he have? Two brothers and two sisters? He tells his brothers that JoJo is incredible and I think the two brothers are adopted and that Mom bought new blue lamps from West Elm just before the producers showed up. Robby hopes for a fairy tale ending. I wish that he would stop referring to her as a girl. Mom tells JoJo that Robby would never be involved with her if he really wasn't ready. JoJo then says that she's in love with Robby. Mom tells Robby that there's a rumor going around from the ex that Robby broke up with her so he could go on the show when he so totally didn't, like, do that, Mom! Robby says he needs to "nip it in the butt." ("Bud?"). He interrupts the sister's time in the bedroom and so they get no camera time either. Unfair. He reassures her and they end up kissing under an umbrella. He says, "I can comfortably tell you that I am beyond excited for our future." Engrave that on the trousseau.


I can't tell whether the show is back on or if this is a car commercial. Oh, okay, Matthew McConaughey means car commercial.

I could never date a guy who says, "Let's roll around the square for a bit." Not because I think I'm better than him, but because I would say, "What are we going to be rolling around exactly?" And he wouldn't think it was funny and that would be the end. They're "getting close to the crib." Luke has brought her to a family reunion, complete with cowboy hats and boots. They are in Texas. Grandpa is confused. We are introduced to a couple who met in 8th grade and are still together.  That makes me sad. Luke goes, "She is so comfortable and that makes my heart stomp." I understand why hasn't talked all that much before now. y'all. I used to say "y'all" sometimes because I grew up in Florida but I always felt kind of phony saying it because it wasn't natural. Dad advises Luke not to make the decision lightly and from the heart. Dad and son say they love each other, for the first time ever, on television. I guess they are both here for the right reasons.


Luke finds a horse and leads her to a sofa made out of hay bales in the middle of a field. He says the whole time with her is like a good day dream. He says, "Every time I'm with you, my heart gets, like more and more involved and it blows my mind and I see that future and I want that future, and the thing is, when I have that feeling that's a little scary and that's how I know it's real. It comes full circle for me, and that much more excited about the future." Cue sunset in the background and birds chirping as they kiss and she runs her fingers across his size-medium, red-checkered shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch in Dallas.

Next, he takes her down a candlelit path to flowers in the shape of a heart. He says everything except that he loves her. Then he drops her off at a SUV. Guess who's driving? Yep, Matthew McConaughey.  

And how will they wrap the rose ceremony up in 11 minutes? My guess is that Robby will go home, but I didn't see the date with Chase, so I can't be sure. Why are they in an airport hangar? Robby wears a vest. Luke wears another in a series of checkered shirts, this one in blue and white. He might also be super bow-legged. JoJo has on a blue mermaid dress that lovingly caresses her boobs. She just says that she must say goodbye to Luke. Why would she tell us that and will we have to go through another commercial.

Uh-oh, fake alert. Luke interrupts her as she's about to send him home. He tells her that he loves her, so that she won't send  him home and so he can touch her face with his giant thumb. Maybe he could've shaved though. She says, "Thank you, but you're still going home..." She can't control her emotions and she's afraid to make a mistake. Now we are definitely going to have to wait until next week. Yep.

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