Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Wherein JoJo is asked if she wants to have sex with three different men

Oh, right. The fake cliff hanger.

Roses to Robby and Jordan and...big sigh...Chase. She is sending Luke home, even though he confessed his love for her and even though he built her a heart made out of flower petals. Why she kept Robby, we will never know, but he's going home tonight.  Luke says that it really sucks because he, like, dreamed about this so much and he thought he might actually fall in love with her. She sobs into his lapel, and Luke can't, like, believe that he squandered it away and that magic was real. News flash: magic isn't real. He drops the f-bomb. Dan thinks she made a mistake. I think she's wearing a ring that looks like a twig. I miss you already, he says. She says she is following her heart and her gut or whatever. He says he was in love with her but he never got a chance to love her. "Too little, too late," he says, staring off stoically into the limo's pristine leather interior.

They've been flown to Thailand. Cue the elephants and JoJo in white short-shorts. She says that her choice to let Luke go was "easily the toughest decision" she's ever made. Wait, are these the fantasy suite dates?

Robby shows up in a white shirt and blue linen shorts. They walk through the market in a flash flood. Native women wash and wax their feet while they talk about their futures. JoJo pretends that she can't figure out if she should take Robby into the fantasy suite or not. Robby says nothing interesting, ever. He says his dad snuck a note into the pocket of his jeans, filled with cliches. "Signed, You're the Man...Dad." He snucks the note into JoJo's hands to hold until she sends him home at the end of the show.

Dan says, "One trip to IKEA together and this relationship will fall apart."

They decide that they will spend the night together, but only do oral because they believe in God. Who knew they had a Days Inn in Thailand?

Someone has left six plates of fruit at the end of their bed. Robby's hair has survived whatever night of passion they had and not moved at all. Doesn't she get sick of kissing these guys?

Cue monkeys to show that we are getting ready for another date. It's Jordan, arriving in a boat. They smash into each other and he wraps his arms around her neck, almost like he wants to strangle her. Jordan keeps accidentally looking right into the camera. Cue bong sound and lone whistle, because remember, we're in a foreign country. They go on a hike and look at beautiful mountains. Where is the Tibetan monk? JoJo decides that she has to cover her shoulders to respect the culture even though she's also wearing a bra as a top. She worries that Jordan is too good to be true. At dinner, they are surrounded by fire pits and Jordan may be in danger of having his hair gel set aflame. She asks him what his next year will look like, as if they are in the middle of a job interview. Jordan tries to be honest, and she doesn't like his answer, so he back pedals and says he could be anywhere at any time. Chris supposedly writes a handwritten note on the back of a paper lunch bag, inviting them to stay in the fantasy suite. Next morning, we discover that Jordan sleeps in football pants. JoJo goes, "We're having our first breakfast together." And their last?


An ox eating leaves tells us that we are on our last date with Chase. JoJo only has the one pair of white shorts. Will Chase show up on a motorcycle? Yes. He has some serious back muscles. He leaves his motorcycle behind. The light shines through his ears. Stop saying magical! "Practice nonattachment," Dan says, folding his hands together. Chase and JoJo play with fish to show that they're having a great time, also that they don't have any real chemistry. They keep pointing out the most obvious things. "Look at those trees! Look at that water! Look at that monkey that reminds me of Chad!" Chase goes, "It's so amazing to be here with the salt in the air and the water and the sand and JoJo looks so beautiful next to all these rocks." I guarantee all of his frat buddy friends are never going to let him live this down.


Robby shows up unexpectedly in flip flops right before she's supposed to have her final date with Chase. I don't think she likes him. I am pretty sure this was entirely planned. Otherwise, they would all be doing this.

Date night with Chase and he's sweating like crazy. I wonder what would happen if he shaved that pretend beard off his face? She goes, "Tell me all about your career as a medical security analysis banker." They go back to the fantasy suite and he says he's 100 percent in love with her and he doesn't want to be in a world without her. JoJo confesses that she's not sure she likes him at all. She has to go outside and sit on a sofa under a palm tree. She frequently feels sick to her stomach. She's going to send him home in the middle of a fantasy date. Does he know this is coming? JoJo says he has to go home and he basically says, Thanks a lot for telling me this after I told you I loved you. She starts crying. He looks unmoved. He hugs her begrudgingly and then walks away without saying goodbye. Good for him. She says, I didn't mean to bring you here and break your heart. He says, You just did that though. He won't hug her goodbye. She keeps crying. He pops a beer as he gets into the van. He compares what just happened to having your pants pulled down and being kicked in the nuts. He's embarrassed and...heart-broken (he adds).

Just so we won't turn off the TV, they show Chase returning to make JoJo cry again. Robby is boring and Jordan cares too much about his hair. I mean, they both care a lot about their hair. Dan thinks they look identical. They are wearing matching outfits, both in denim shirts and jeggings. Coincidentally, Chase shows up also wearing a denim shirt. This show is sponsored by the GAP. Both men wipe their faces with matching handkerchiefs. It's synchronized. Chase apologizes to JoJo and says that he hopes he can redeem himself enough to be the next bachelor  JoJo has long ago forgotten about him, and remember Luke? Remember her sobbing in agony as she said goodbye to him? Luke who?

Both boys get roses. Clinking of glasses. Tomorrow night: the former contestants last grab at fame in the Tell All show.

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