Monday, July 11, 2016

And then there were...like, five? Six?

Next stop.. Argentina! Red flags, hoodies, unshaved faces, tattoos, ten pounds of hair gel, horses and carriages, roses flung down in anger, emotional roller coaster, mind games, spinning minds, disappointment, long eyelashes on a very short, muscular man, Chris Harrison and the date card, "JoJo" times 500.  Chris announces that there are no roses on one-on-one dates and this week is huge because it will determine the hometown dates. JoJo is driving out to the countryside and the date card goes to...Alex.

They get into a black SUV while the rest of the dudes have to take a bus. Product placement of chips. JoJo feels taht she is spending the day with someone she feels really comfortable with, like her baby brother. The guys are rapping. As if they just made this up. James Taylor still has a busted up eye.

JoJo is feeling the friend vibe from Alex.


We're learning about the stereotypical gaucho farmer, both strong and not afraid to wear a felt hat. Alex should've worn the boots with the heels. Two real life gauchos are leading them through the day. Alex puts on a white shirt, blue beret, and a belt with a knife. Boots that still too low. JoJo says, "You are cute little gaucho."  Cue mooing of the cow. They mount on two horses. How did Alex learn to mount a horse? Or is that a pony?


Their tasks is to force the horse to its knees and make it roll over. I am not sure why. They have become like one. a centaur. JoJo feels so relaxed. Alex feels so horny. They make out with the horse together. The horse may have died, but it doesn't matter because they are in love. They are the very exact same size. Alex admits that he is falling in love with her and Dan says, "You just want to have sex with her on top of a horse."

A dog has shown up in their final date. They drink to themselves. JoJo says, "I just feel like you've had so much fun today." Why does that matter? His doubts and fears are gone, he says. They kiss. She runs her fingers through his hair gel. Alex says that he thinks he knows that he's falling in love with her. Or wait, no, he fell in love with her the second he saw her and that's what made it hard and easy, and then hard and easy. JoJo wipes away a single tear, but she doesn't quite believe him.

The next date card arrives. Jordan the football star will get it. He goes to get a blow dryer.

Uh-oh, JoJo has sent Alex home. When he realized what was happening, he goes, "Well, that sucks," thereby confirming her decision.

Back at the ranch (for real), Jordan is trying on the tightest maroon T-shirt he can find. He arrives in a white stretch limo to board a white stretch jet waiting for him, and JoJo in denim shorts. As they fly into the air, she believes she does see a future with him. They arrive at Mendoza, a winery with the Andes mountains in the background. They take off their shoes and step into a bucket of grapes which they will later drink. This is boring. They then step into an outdoor tub in their bathing suits and we are exposed to the top-knot again. It's now evening and they are recapping what just happened and imagine what it would be like if she went with him on his home town date. Jordan confesses that he doesn't have a great relationship with one of his brothers because he never played football. Jordan says that he's so in love with her, and for some reason, she believes him. She wraps her black fingernails around his back and sticks her tongue down his throat while he fixes his hair. JoJo feels really loved as they make out on a staircase and he jams her against the wall.

Group date that involves James Taylor stuffing his face with French fries, Robby running down the hall in his underwear, and the three guys cuddling with JoJo on a bed while they watch TV. James appears to be resting his head on Robby's thigh.  I don't really think she likes any of these guys. She takes Robby out to go to the park in her holey jeans. Robby talks about his ex and all of the negatives. Then he refuses to go down that road, so he can go down this path with her. JoJo learns that they just broke up like four months ago. You guys, don't forget that this date has a rose with it. Chase, who does something with banking, says that it all still feels good. Dan says Chase looks like he should just be out at a club picking up women. Chase doesn't claim that he's in love with her, but he really likes her and wants to spend forever with her. Next up, James T., the goofball. He will blow it again by bringing up the other guys. She says that he has every quality she would want, except for that he's not as hot as the other guys. She asks him if he would possibly consider having his ears surgically pinned back or not. They kiss very loudly and he keeps his hand firmly on the back of her head so she can't pull away. Who will the rose go to??? The men debate who the front runners are and this makes them sound like they are talking about horses. Robby is certain that he's a front runner. "The person I want to give this rose to is the guy I'm ready to give the rose to," and it is Robby!! He can't wait to sit in the family room with her and his family. James T. is going home, I bet.

Last one-on-one date with Luke the war veteran and a white pony. Luke knows stuff about horses. He's like a guy on a romance novel cover, except for the lines in his forehead. He's like the dark horse, the winner. He will win. He has to. Question: should you really make a war veteran shoot a gun? He's very good at it. His conversations are way more deep than any of the other guys. I could imagine him deciding that he's not really into her. Luke doesn't seem to be having the same amount of time with her as she had with the other one-on-ones. He comes back to announce that there's only 12 minutes left in this week's episode so they have to move it along.

Time for the non-suspenseful final rose ceremony that will send James home. The men arrive in a horse and buggy drawn by two white steeds, followed by that damn dog. Eight minutes left. Chase felt that he needed more time to touch base with her. James T. has decided to slick back his hair. JoJo recognizes that this is hard, but she must follow her heart.

First rose goes to.............Luke
Second rose goes to Jordan.
Final rose goes to................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Chase.

James T. will finally be going home. He will also not be the next bachelor. He hugs the dudes goodbye. JoJo says that she will walk him out. The men pretend to be somber, but are barely containing their high-fives. They are both crying. She says that he has made her a better person.  He says that he always gets rejected. "Thank you for being so sweet to me, I mean that," he says. Lots of snot noises. James offers to babysit for them at some point. Maybe he'll get a record deal out of this.


Next week, the hometown dates, ya'all.

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