Hillary Clinton Just Emailed Me and We're Not Even Facebook Friends!

The truth is, I haven't yet decided who I'm voting for tomorrow. Well, obviously not John McCain, but I'm on the fence about H and O. My friend Ben has been trying to get me to send an email to the Hillary peeps saying she should drop out and though he can be persuasive in many, many ways (he's an attorney and so cannot stop arguing and saying things like, "Permission to redirect, your honor"), I have not caved. Philadelphia seems to love Obama...there's a million and one of those blue and red drawings of him and not even one caricature of Hillary to be found in the whole city.Walked to Rittenhouse today to do some writing and was given a flyer by a random Democrat running for court jester who luckily didn't try to talk to me further, but I did get to see a few disgruntled teens with skateboards drinking huge cans of beer and attempting to catch pigeons with their bare hands. I'm ambivalent about both candidates. I want to vote for Hillary b/c I would love to see a woman be president, but she's also kind of shady and in bed with the people from Walmart. I like Obama too, but am afraid that he can't ultimately be elected b/c of how racist we are as a country and also how ill-informed (heard again someone on the radio go, "I don't know about that Osama bin guy. Ain't he a Muslim and don't them people want to kill Jesus and make me wear a caftan?").

Did not finish my profile for Philadelphia Stories or start my other piece for Maven (due May 1), in part b/c it's about ex-boyfriends (tentatively titled "The X-Files") and every time I try writing it, I get hung up on how specific I should or can be. Like...for instance...Well, the focus is about how much easier it is to learn about your exes b/c of the Internet and also to stay in contact with them in these weird ways. Like, I'm Facebook friends with this guy I worshipped in college because he wore ripped jeans (when it was cool) and was a great actor and basically didn't know I existed and now I could play Scrabble-iscious or whatever with him and see the latest photos of his dog. And then there's B., who I email with every once in awhile and who is sometimes more flirtatious than he should be (this is an understatement. I'm guilty of this as well though). Can't write about him, can I? And Dave, but there's really nothing juicy to say about him and we're still friends and actually see each other on occasion, and so I'd have to invent some weird IM intrigue. And, of course, SR and his marriage proposal on-line. That's the best thing that's happened for this article so far, but again, don't know if it's appropriate since the real details would cast him in a highly unfavorable light, with little or no exaggeration. I seem to have this uncanny ability to continue to be friends with people I used to date or sleep with or fall asleep with while on a date and frequently get emails from random exes, such as my first long term bf from when I was 19 who emails me out of the blue about every year or so and has talked about visiting Philadelphia which would likely be a colossal mistake. We dated/lived together for 5 years, but there's stuff about that situation I can't mention either (I'll tell you later in person if you don't know what I mean, though most of my friends do). So, instead of writing the article, I spent most of the time people-watching and doodling pictures of girls in hoop skirts and knights on unicorns (I am excellent at this--both at procrastination and at drawing horses).

Got a cute and funny email from a cute and funny guy today that reminded me of this debate I have been having with LM; or rather, a debate I sort of had with this guy Josh who I tried to have a crush on. The crush didn't sustain in part b/c he's highly skittish; like a little pony, he frequently seems to be on the verge of bolting across the field to hide under a willow tree hoping to camoflague himself. He's an artist who does these great self-portraits where his nose resembles a penis. LM and I have debated the meaning of this choice. Does it signal that he has a tiny, tiny one? Huge? Average? Does it indicate that he has sexual hang-ups, some weird nose fetish or, conversely, is he extremely confident? Or is he just being funny? The other reason I couldn't sustain a crush on him is that he never seemed to remember me. I tried to puzzle out why; all of the ego saving mechanisms you use: he’s intimidated by me…He’s not over his ex…He’s secretly gay…He’s in the witness protection program and can’t get involved… But, at a certain point (say, the fourth time we’re introduced and he says, “Oh, hi, Annie”), I had to admit defeat. It really didn't matter because I barely knew the guy and he’s not really very tall and he could use some hygiene tips (see, but now I’m just doing that thing you do in junior high where you pretend not to care. “I didn’t ask you to dance. I said, ‘You look fat in those pants.’”). But I digress. The debate centered around the difference between being a hipster and being a nerd. He seemed to want to be seen as a nerd rather than a hipster...can't remember why I know this, except I think maybe LM told him that I thought he was a hipster and it offended him on some level. So, here's a simple quiz you can take to determine if you are a male hipster:

1. Is your wallet connected to a chain?
2. Do you have tattoos (visible or not; doesn't matter) and/or multiple piercings and some sort of facial hair such as sideburns or a moustache or a full beard?
3. Do you weigh less than most of the women you know?
4. Are you an artist of some sort?
5. Do you shop at thrift stores to buy ill-fitting/1950s type clothes that are meant to be viewed ironically?
6. Do you order Pabst when frequenting dive bars?
7. Do you wear expensive retro glasses?
8. Is one or both of your pants legs rolled up because you rode your bike to get to wherever you are?
9. Do you know most of the lyrics of Bright Eyes, Death Cab for Cutie, or Feist by heart?
10. Do you live in Fishtown or Northern Liberties and know exactly what you're doing on the first Friday of every month?

If you answered yes to four or more of these questions, you are a hipster. Embrace it. It's fine. I think most guys would rather be nerds--it's suddenly become more hip to be a nerd than to be a hipster. In truth, I prefer nerds. So, let's see...A quiz to determine if you're a male nerd (in a cool way):

1. Do you have at least five vivid memories of middle and/or high school wherein you said something super awkward to try to impress "cool" people and failing miserably?
2. Do you sometimes find yourself over-explaining something and realizing, mid-sentence, that the person you're speaking to has a glazed look in his/her eyes?
3. Are you a good chess player?
4. Do you secretly love science fiction or fantasy (such as The Hobbit or anything involving aliens or knights or time travel)?
5. Do girls still make you nervous because you think they can see behind your fairly together adult self into the goofball that you used to be?
6. Could you easily spend more than twenty minutes accurately quoting dialogue from certain movies such Star Wars, any of the Star Treks or Indiana Jones movies, Napoleon Dynamite, numerous 80s flicks, The Last Unicorn, Harry Potter, and/or Woody Allen films (this question, actually, doesn't quite work for separating the nerds from the hipsters, b/c it could apply to both)?
7. Are you good with cats?
8. Are you involved in some capacity with the sciences or math?
9. Do you over prepare for things (i.e. have you ever considered making note cards before going on a date so that it will go more smoothly)?
10. Do you find yourself focusing more on your partner in bed because you can't fucking believe you're actually with a girl?

If you answered "yes" to four or more of these questions, congratulations, you are a nerd and I would like for you to take me out for dinner.

Comments

Liz said…
I wouldn't say she's in bed with Walmart. She sat on their board when she was first lady of Arkansas. And, while I'm disappointed that she didn't express more outrage at the time over working conditions, etc; I don't think that should be the reason not to vote for her.

I struggled too but ultimately I went with Clinton. No one made a good argument to me that either of them could beat McCain (or that one or the other had no shot at beating him) so I went with my gut and went for her because I think she has the best command of the issues and is the most open to labor.

We shall see. It's going to be an interesting six months, that's for sure...

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