What is Thing Called the "Winter Olympics?"

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Luke would like me to write about the time the USA beat out the Russian in an ice hockey shoot out, and they played this song that goes, "Oh, say, O'Shea," but I don't even know what he's talking about.  I don't watch the Olympics, for a couple of reasons, but the main one is that I don't like competitions. I think this comes from being an only child. I never really played a lot of board games as a kid, and I remember being disappointed whenever anyone gave me one.  Because other than my pretend friend or my mom, who was I supposed to be playing Sorry with? Or Clue, for God's sake? I have never once played Monopoly and I don't think I missed anything. The game Operation made me nervous because of the buzzer and Shoots and Ladders seemed too babyish by the time I saw it. So, I never learned how to play board games, and I wasn't athletic at all growing up, so I also never competed in any sports.

As a result, I'm not drawn to watching sports of any kind (except for football, especially college football). The other reason is because I don't like there to be losers. I want to watch a game where everyone is nice to one another and they all win in the end, even the bad guys to some extent. I don't like to watch anyone fail, which is the main reason I can't be witness to ice skating or gymnastics, because it seems inevitable that someone is going to fall on her ass on national television. This is also the reason I'm not interested in watching American Idol--I don't want to see anyone's face register disappointment. And it's why I don't like awards shows--especially the ones where they show all of the potential winners through the announcement of the actual winner, and you watch the other four or five losers struggle to put a smile on. On top of that, I hate the bumbling of the actual winners, where they say dumb, boring things and thank everyone but the most important people.  To sum up,  I don't want to see people show their vulnerabilities, whether that be in messing up an important goal for the team, or not nailing a routine, or accidentally letting an unhappy emotion pass across their faces when they lose.

And yet, I don't feel that way about shows like The Bachelor, where there are tears and people's feelings get hurt, etc. but it's so antiseptic and cliched at this point. Of course the person who doesn't get a rose will cry. But how high are the stakes? Whereas when a person who has trained her whole life to do a double back axle handstand spring jump doesn't stick it, I can't stand it, because it feels like a more authentic disappointment.

Luke is an only child and unless we decide to get on a plane to China tomorrow to adopt a baby, he will remain one. But he's pretty good about board games, I think because he and his dad have played them his whole life, so for him, it's not this weird thing sitting on the shelf in his room, neglected. He is on an ice hockey team too, so he'll learn the benefits of working together, and he will know that his life isn't over when he doesn't score a goal or if he messes up.  I didn't pick up that stuff. What I recall from team sports is getting picked last for softball because I was a terrible player who wore Coke bottle eye glasses and ducked whenever the ball whizzed my way, including when I was at bat. Either that, or I closed my eyes when I swung. See below for evidence of the glasses. Here is yet another birthday where I'm hoping one of my presents isn't Connect Four.

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