The Bachelor Sings an Aria

Perhaps this will be the episode where Sharlene realizes she's had enough air time to have her own reality TV show; one that follows around five aspiring opera singers as they make jokes about Puccini and arpeggios. Obviously, this would appear only on PBS. Or maybe she'll do that thing where she continues to pretend to be falling more in love with him, despite their stark differences in languages, common interests, IQ, maturity levels, cultural background, class, and personality traits. "I find myself being pulled closer and closer to his five o'clock shadow, in ways that I never imagined could ever have ever ever happened," she might say, staring off into the distance, hoping her high school choir teacher isn't watching.

I finally figured out who that perpetually teenage-looking contestant Clare reminds me of.

Actress Kristen Bell of Veronica Mars fame

Actress Clare Someone who will after this, make her living at car shows in Vegas
Uncanny, isn't it?

This will be the show where they are hanging out in Miami. The girls go to this lovely home and they are given tiny bikinis in little boxes. They can't believe it!!!

Juan is reunited with his daughter Camilla. Is this a weird photo for him to post with his daughter?

At home, Juan goes on an on about Sharlene and how classy she is. This is a sure sign that she will be leaving the show. "She's an Oprah singer," he says. I'm spelling it phonetically for you.

Sharlene says that she's missing the cerebral connection with Juan. Yes. And if she said that to him, even his own language, he would say, "I do not know what this word it means, cerebal? Is it something you want for breakfast?"

One-on-one date with Sharlene on a yacht. She says that they don't get each other. That is an understatement. He is wearing all pastels as they lay on the front of a yacht and make out. She says that she's very attracted to him. I she says, he is ridiculously sexy. I guess. Please don't let them do that Titanic thing. Back at the ranch, the girls talk crap on Sharlene, wondering why she's there when she has this international career and will have to be in Germany and London all the time. The producers are really trying to sell this idea that the two of them could be compatible by showing them on sunlight beaches rubbing noses. I feel like in real life, Juan would sit around in his underwear drinking beer and watching soccer all day. Like that would be his dream Sunday whereas she would be a the Metropolitan Opera House practicing the lead for Aida and then maybe going out for tapas and red wine afterwards.  Juan says he really wants to go see her parent. We have to watch a close-up of them making out and him sliding her the tongue. It's uncomfortable. ICKY. Juan says, "I like when you think." Stop with the back and forth--"it's right, it feels right, it's not right, I am very attracted to him, but there's a little voice saying, 'You're nuts'. It feels good though. In a bad way, but nicely." Hey, finally though, a woman who is making her own decision about how she feels instead of waiting to see how he feels about her. I guess that's progress?

In direct contrast, we have the next one-on-one with Darling Nikki, the pediatric nurse with the heart-shaped face who can't keep her hands out of her hair. Itty bitty jean shorts with the pockets hanging out are back in style, ya'll. 

What the hell is Juan P. doing bringing Nikki to his daughter's recital? We are forced to watch little girls singing in a gymnasium. Boring and odd. Camilla ignores her completely, as any kid would because what the hell?  I thought his whole thing was protecting his daughter from meeting too many of the women until he was serious about one of them? Seems like an odd twist. He then takes Nikki to a baseball field where he seems to have an office and Nikki---I am amazed. I don't know she is able to keep that shirt on. I wish I could draw it for you. It's a very low cut backless white shirt and she cannot possibly be wearing a bra. When is her titty going to pop out? Pair that with a teeny tiny skirt and she looks like she's the second act in a sailor-themed strip show. I mean, like classy strip show, but it's definitely not an outfit that leaves much if anything to the imagination. Wait, did she also meet the ex-wife at this recital? I'm confused about who was there.  
Show stopper. Sharlene decides to leave. She whispers the break up news, which is the best way to leave someone, because it's hard for that other person to get mad at you, especially if they can barely hear what you're saying. LOOK AT ME, he says. What is it with him and crying? He actually wipes the tears off their face. With his tongue. It's weird. It's like maybe he had to take care of his drunk mom when he was a little boy and so may never see another woman cry his entire life. He says that the only thing that pisses him off is that she didn't sing enough for him. A moment of brevity. Stop crying, Sharlene. I mean, seriously. Is this the first time in the history of The Bachelor that a girl has decided maybe she needs to leave the show instead of waiting to get rejected first? I think maybe so. "He doesn't have what I'm looking for in terms of forever," she says. Yes, that is an important thing to know.
Group date with a caveat--whomever gets the rose from him on this group date gets a special on-on-one date with JP. I guess there will only be four women left. Chelsea is humiliating herself because she's reading out loud the stupid, clich├ęd letters that her parents gave her. Ali wears a giant mumu  and/or pant suit on the beach like she just time-traveled from an episode of Maude. She starts crying and says she's nervous about next week and him meeting her family, but I think what she's more upset about is the fact that she might not make it onto the next episode of the show. Why is it important that these girls say that they love their families? Can't one of them be like, My family sucks and I really don't want you to meet them because they're embarrassing. By the way, Clare is one of six girls? No wonder she craves attention.  JP gives the date rose to...Andi, the mumu-wearer. I am surprised, but I like her okay. I mean, she's a lawyer and she doesn't seem that dumb.
Mini one-on-one date with Ali. She also wears a stripper-type dress, this one is red and short and she wears it with high heels that barely fit. They dance in the middle of the club and it's painfully bad. Andi can't stop smiling, but I think she's living in a dream world. He doesn't like her either. His true love left the show.
Illogical arguments between the Veronica Mars and Nikki that allows both of them to get more air time. Neither are that likable, so I don't care. Is there a class you can take in LA, like an acting class for reality shows where you get advice about how to define your character early and how to create conflicts and how to get more time on the show? I bet you a thousand hundred million dollars that this class exists, if not multiple classes like it.  Oh, yes, I just looked it up and there is actually a Reality TV school in New York. Can you imagine the people who sign up for that nonsense?
Final cocktail party. My psychic prediction is that he will go pick Nikki, Clare, and Renee. Chelsea is definitely going home; and I can't really tell who else is left. Clare and Nikki don't like each other. Nikki thinks Clare is psycho and Clare thinks Nikki is a brat. In the background, we hear a truck backing up. Who will break the silence first? I bet you anything that they wish they had their phones so that they could pretend to be doing something else. No one is talking or moving, and Renee says that Nikki is just sitting there, like a mannequin. Come on, get on with it, for God's sake.
Only one "ay" this week.
Final rose ceremony: Chris has on his serious face because it is "one of the most important rose ceremonies to date." He has now said that same phrase 304 times. JP makes a speech about how he has to make a decision and hopefully it's the right one. How did we get this far and I don't really like any of them, except for maybe Renee and Ali a little?

First rose: Nikki
Second rose: Clare. Huge long pause, music swells.
Last rose: Renee, she has a kid. I guess I like her the best, but they haven't given her much play. Why does Chelsea just have to stand there like a dumbie? Was Chris in the bathroom or what?

Going home: Chelsea, but we already knew that since she escaped by the skin of her teeth last week.  He is crying again. LOOK AT ME, I can't stop crying. This show is a travesty. "Your breasts are too small,"' Dan says in JP accent. He walks her out and she says, It's nice to date a good guy for once. She remains chirpy and happy, but we know she will crumble into bits in the limo. She's only 24--I do not feel bad for her.

Oh, no, next week is a two day event. Two episodes, two nights?? I can't deal with it. Supposedly, next week, it's the most shocking thing we've ever seen. Does someone die of jealousy? Clare's family looks pretty darn trashy and I can't say for sure if her mom has all of her teeth or not. Stay tuned.